Should I choose this Known Donor?

[pranava]

I need some help weighing the pros and cons on a situation. I just found out that DW's best friend is pregnant on accident by a 23 year old guy she's been dating for 4 months. He's very excited and wants to raise the baby with her. He knows that DW and I have been TTC for awhile now and mentioned being our donor.

I don't know him very well, neither does DW. But DW and her best friend are all excited thinking about how their kids would be related, how fun would that be, ect. My concerns are many - DW's friend is mid 30's and yet to have a relationship last longer than a year. Add the fact that he's so young, and I see recipe for separation. I'm worried about our child getting to know the donor for a few years, then he separates from DW's friend and dissapears. Or, they stay together forever and our child knows this guy is his bio dad, he hears his 1/2 sibling call him dad, but doesn't have the same relationship with him.

I don't know, there's a lot to think about and he's not our only choice for a known donor. I'm torn. It could be good, but it could get complicated too. My gut reaction is uneasiness. What are your opinions?

[MujerMamaMismo]

I don't think any of the reasons you listed automatically need to mean you must veto this potential donor.

Our donor is someone who will not play a parenting role in our childs life but he will be around us and our child will know that this is the man who helped hir parents to have hir. Our donor and his partner have indicated that they will be TTC in a year or so which means that we will have the complication of 'half-siblings' too but I can't see how having lots of meaningful people in our childs life can be harmful - as long as honesty is priority number one and the concept is as clear as it can be to a child.

Your concern that the couple may break up and your donor may disappear really isn't something you can guarantee regardless of who your donor is. It's a risk you take. Certainly, it's something I'd want to discuss with my donor, just as you should discuss a whole host of potential situations and 'what ifs?'

I'm so thrilled we're going the known donor route. It certainly complexifies things a bit but it really has been the right thing for us, so far.

This guy may or may not be your guy but at this stage, I think the best I can recommend to you is to keep talking and not to rule anyone out (well, rule the freaks out...) without really running through all the options.

Good luck...

[ktcl]

I can't remember, pranava, were you already set on using a known donor?

I think there is so much to think about with a KD. I agree with you that it sounds like potentially difficult if a break-up would mean that your kid loses any shot at a relationship with KD...especially if that is why you are doing KD in the first place. Which gets me to the real question to consider for all of this-- why are you doing KD? For example, it could be because the odds of getting pregnant with fresh sperm are sooo much higher. In that case, go for it. It'll save time and money. ON the other hand, if the reason is to have your child have a relationship with the donor, it seems like a less appealing choice.

OF course there is also the issue of how you break it to your DW if you have questions/concerns and she is so excited. That's tough, but worth the conversation!

good luck!

[pranava]

Thanks for the advice. I won't veto him automatically. Maybe I'm placing more importance on the biological relationship with the donor than our future child will. Our child may see the donor as just a friend of the family.

The choice to use a known donor came from 5 months of frozen insems that wiped our savings. It's not so much a relationship with the donor that we're seeking, but I'd hate to have the donor develop a relationship with our child, and then later walk away. I know that could happen with any donor, and even happens with parents so there's no guarantees. I'm just worried already about someone putting my kid through an emotionally painful experience.

[mama2rey]

I think it's important to bring up these concerns to your KD and see how he responds. What is most important is that you are able to communicate with your KD and talk things through. Relationships change all the time. Our KD was all set to have a relationship with our son, and we had talked about seeing each other every weekend. Well, when I was 5 months pregnant, he broke up with his boyfriend-and moved to Mexico. He still will have a relationship with DS-however he will only see him every 3-4 months, not every weekend.

I can guarantee you that no matter who your donor is things will change. What's important is can you talk through these changes. So I would see how he handles your concerns-can he discuss them reasonably? Does he get mad? Does he trivialize your concerns? IMHO that will speak volumes about wether or not you should have this guy be your donor.

[AngelaM]

Yes, I agree with others that being willing to do the work of talking through your visions of parenting and the donor's involvement (or non-involvement) is important. Stephanie Brill's "Lesbian Guide to Conception..." has a good chapter on envisioning different donor arrangements, and I think some exercises you and your DP can do to think this through.

[pranava]

OK, scratch that idea. He is not willing to sign his rights away so DW can adopt. He wants to be the "Dad". Back to frozen sperm until we find someone else.

[snoopy13]

sorry to hear that, but at least it was an unequivocal situation, where it became clear that he would not work out... maybe someone else will appear!

JD

[mama2rey]

I'm glad you found out now! Good luck TTC!

[ktcl]

It's a good thing that you didn't have to figure it all out...
But I also know that it's hard to find a KD, so I can understand if there's a little frustration about going back to frozen