What is going on with DD's lies or exaggerations?

[EviesMom]

My nearly 4 year old (who is still nursing) kept putting her hand in my armpit and tickling me this morning while she was nursing. I kept (probably sternly because I was half awake) telling her "no!" and "stop that" and moving her hand away. She was still nursing the entire time. Then when she got up, she said to dh that she was sad because I wouldn't nurse her and I kept screaming at her and hitting her!?!?!

I'm really pretty freaked out because it is actually an effort for me not to spank or scream having grown up in a quite violent household. I have never and will never spank or hit. I am doing the best I am able, and eventually I may be more NVC or consensual living, but seriously, this is where I'm at right now.

I don't know if she got this weird phrasing from my mother who she saw yesterday (my mother has tried to invent weird things before, telling dd at barely age 2 that no one should touch her vagina and that it was horrifying that dh and I wipe her after she goes potty?!? Which meant dd screamed "no" whenever we tried to help her wipe for a few weeks, but of course, couldn't really wipe herself well, and then the pediatrician said "she's looking a little rashy, she should probably have more help wiping after going potty."

So beyond putting her out of contact with my mother ever again... what can I do? These bizarre things were so sporadic up to now, and I wanted dd to have a relationship with my mother, so I haven't cut her off up to now, but my mother is getting weirder. Cutting her off I fear may lead to her calling CPS or something though and now I'm afraid she's been trying to seed ideas in dd or something.

What on earth can I do? Edited to add: Oh my god! DD has a huuuuuge bruise on her back, apparently from falling on the stairs with my mother yesterday. (Just saw it while dh is getting her dressed).

[todavia]

s sorry you're having to deal with this. if i were you, i would not let dd have any more alone time with your mother. she sounds like a negative influence at best. if i read your post correctly, she was abusive to you as a child and i would be very concerned about exposing my child to her violence (physical or psychological).

that being said, it is natural for kids to exaggerate some. my 5yo can get very dramatic and if i say "i really wish you hadn't XYZ" he'll sometimes come back with "you think i'm a bad boy and you don't love me!". i really don't know where he got this since we've never said anything even remotely like that but i reasure him "i don't like what you did but i think you're a wonderful boy and i will always love you no matter what" and then move on. you might tell your dd "even when we don't like what someone is doing, we don't scream and never hit in this family" or something like that.

take gentle care...

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by violetisadora

she was abusive to you as a child and i would be very concerned about exposing my child to her violence (physical or psychological).

Thank you! Yes, my mother was abusive. My father was authoritarian, but not abusive to me. She was bad with older children but okay with little ones. And she's had tremendous physical decline, so I didn't worry about her physically hurting dd (for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure dd did actually fall on the stairs, and she said my mom was not in the room when she fell.) If anything, my mother is ridiculously permissive with dd and lets her do absolutely anything she wants to do. I wanted dd to have a relationship with her grandparents... but maybe it's just a bad idea all around.

Maybe dd's comment this morning is just random and not connected to my mother as well. She wasn't very awake either, so maybe she felt very pushed away by me pushing her hand away.

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by violetisadora

: you might tell your dd "even when we don't like what someone is doing, we don't scream

I wish this was true, but I do sometimes yell. : I try not to, but I do.

[mamazee]

If she hasn't been exposed to screaming and violence, your stern voice and pushing her hand away could seem like "hitting and yelling" to her. Like, maybe she doesn't know what real hitting and yelling are so she doesn't know that this isn't it?

Edited to add - or maybe it just felt like hitting and yelling this morning. Anyway, my point is that she wasn't necessarily lying or exaggerating, she could have just been perceiving it differently based on having different experiences than you had.

[Daffodil]

At that age, my DD used to say exactly the same kind of thing. (She still does it a bit, but not as much.) She would report to one parent that the other had told her to "go away and never come back," or complain about how I was always giving her time outs and hitting her. We're actually pretty mellow people with no history of abuse or weird interfering parents, and we don't do any punishments. (She knows about time outs because her cousin gets them.) I think this kind of exaggeration must just be typical (or at least not uncommon) for kids that age.

[todavia]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I wish this was true, but I do sometimes yell. : I try not to, but I do.

i do too. it's a work in progress. hang in there...