Whiiiiinnnniiiiiiing

[*Luna*]

It is driving me out of my mind!

My 7yo DD has been on a whine-a-thon for MONTHS and I have tried everything to work with it and to get it to STOP. She whines about her little sister getting into her things, she whines when she's hungry or doesn't get her way.... I try really hard to get her to ask for what she needs and to say how she feels instead of using that annoying whining voice but it just isn't working....

Any advice?

[mamaduck]

She is 7?? Wow. I thought only little kids did this, and I was looking foward to some reprieve at some point. Oh well, so much for that fantasy!

Here's what I do -- rarely with permanent results -- but it does keep things bearable around here:

I tell my kids that I cannot listen to a whiny voice, and I am not interested in responding until they use a "normal" voice. Even my 3 yo. knows how to turn it off and level his voice out when he is asked to do so.

I am consistant about not responding to the whining, even when I know that responding will be the quickest way to end it.

I often reward requests and complaints with attention and immediate action when they are voiced in a reasonable way, and both my kids understand this.

We role-play what a non-whiny voice sounds like vs. what a whiny voice sounds like, so that they know exactly what I'm talking about when I ask them to stop whining.

I am careful not to confusing the expression of negative emotions with a whiny voice. They are always free to express negative emotions, I just prefer them to do it in a constructive and respectful tone of voice!

[journeymom]

Dd is 8 y.o. and is a whiner. But only because I've been inconsistant and have given in to her requests just to get her to stop.

But, everything I've read about stopping whining agrees with what mamaduck said. And that's what I do when I'm on top of the game.

I've told her, "My ears don't hear whining, only normal voices." And it works for a while. Until that instance when I'm tired, distracted, frazzled, whatever. Then I'll do anything to get her to stop that tone of voice.

It might be worth it to investigate if there's a "root cause" of the whining that could be addressed, as well. In my own case, I have/had two issues. First was working mother guilt. Once I quit I felt like I wanted to make up for lost time and needed to give in to every request of dd's. The other is my auditory sensitivities. I get irritated and overwhelmed by noise faster than most folks, so again, I give in to dd's unresonable requests just to get her to stop pushing me.

Of course, some times there isn't an underlying issue. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!

[Piglet68]

Could you try to practice with her, going over potential situations where she might whine, and practice having her not whining?

I say this b/c I still clearly remember being young and having my mother get angry at me for whining. I recall at the time feeling as though I didn't really know myself why I was whining, I wasn't even sure I was whining. I just remember feeling a strong emotion, that naturally came out as a whine. If I had to try and describe it, it was a combination of frustration and fatigue. I had to make a very concious effort not to whine when I was in those situations, and I found it quite difficult, as though I were trying to stop water from pouring out a leaky bucket.

So I feel as though maybe if I could have rehearsed the situations that got me feeling that way, maybe I could have learned better ways to express those feelings.

I have no idea if this makes sense, or if it would work or anything. I just so clearly remember feeling whiny, and when mother would demand that I stop whining, I found it very difficult.

[Deja]

I don't know how this method will be received, but this is what I do and what I find to be effective.

When a child is whining, I tell them that I don't like the way that they are talking to me. I tell them that the way that they are talking is annoying and when I am annoyed, it's hard for me to listen to what they need. I then model how I would like them to make their request or statement, and ask them if they think they could try to say it THAT way. When they mimic the way that I've made the request (mainly focused on tone of voice) I brighten up and respond immediately to their request. I tell them how much I appreciate it when they talk to me that way, and that it makes me feel good and when I feel so good, it's easier to listen to what they have to say.

At first you have to do a lot of this modeling, showing them how to verbalize whatever it is that they want to say without whining. Then you'll see the child begin to correct herself or to use the modeled communication technique without being directed to do so. When that happens, I try to wrap up whatever it is that I am doing to attend to the child's needs (if such is the required action) immediately while very sincerely praising the child for talking to me in such a nice, sweet manner.

This has worked very effectively for me. I've personally found that the child usually just doesn't realize what is desired of her in the communication, and when she does most children very quickly adapt the desired technique when it gives them better results than does whining.

[annettemarie]

What has been extremely effective for us (to the point that my 6-year-oild says "Why do you keep saying that to me???") is to say, very calmly, "I will be happy to listen to you when your voice is as calm as mine" and then I just carry on with what I was doing. As soon as his whine is gone I stop, look him in the eye, and listen. I don;t lecture him or mock him; I don't focus on the whining really at all.

[PM]

What Annette said.

I also reinforce when she asks nicely. Right now it's "Mommy, may I can have...please?" :LOL

But she never was much of a whiner. I think it's cultural. I really do. And I've heard a lot of it on television (like on a Sesame Street video dd has). Dd doesn't watch anything but Russian stuff, so I think she's just had less exposure to whining.

[annettemarie]

Well, my kids are TV-free, and they can still whone a good whine. :LOL

[PM]

Oh, more than a television thing I'd say it's a cultural thing. Disclaimer: I do not mean that all kids who watch TV whine because of it. I do not mean that only Americans whine. etc., etc., etc.

[annettemarie]

Oh, I know. I am willing to conceed that my little Americans are big whiners. :LOL

[mountain]

In our house, it's "use your strong voice please, i can't understand whining".

Repeated over and over and over ad nauseum, of course :LOL

[organicbanana]

oh man... if you want to hear some whiny television, try sitting through an episode of caillou. holy gads do i hate that kid...
(and some of the characters on dragon tales too... et tu p.b.s.???!!)
but i digress...

around here, i try to break up the whining with humor - letting the kids know how unitelligible and difficult to listen to it is.
- my usual response is "i'm sorry, i don't speak whinese - could you try that again?" if they persist, it becomes "do you have a whinese translation book i can borrow??"
if i get a little silly with it, it helps disarm them a bit and they can usually settle down and get their points across without the whine aspect. with ds2 i simplify a bit, because he's 2, but he sees the older kids' responses and he's picking up on it pretty well.

[Bleu]

Nothing helpful to add. Just wanted to let the OP know that she may have written The. Funniest. Thread. Title. Ever. )

[LoveBaby]

I'm so glad to read this thread. We are having the same issues w/ DS (3 1/2) He is a whiner of epic proportions. I sometimes wonder what his real voice actually sounds like since we hear it so rarely! I try to ignore the whining until he ask is his "big boy voice" but sometime just give in so I don't have to hear the whine anymore. I'll be sure to be more consistent now and just calmly grin and bear it so to speak until he speaks to me appropriately.

[philomom]

Use your nice voice, please!


Say it sweetly.

I can't hear you, did you want to try again?

[annethcz]

I usually do what has been suggested, "I'll be happy to talk with you when you're ready to use your polite voice"

Occasionally, I'll try a humor tactic, and tell DS that he's not whining enough. Please? Will you whine a little more/ a little louder etc.? If you whine more, mom will give you what you want, right? I just love it when you whine (I use a whiney voice when I do this, so DS can understand what I'm hearing from him) To which DS will reply, "NO!" and laugh and will rephrase his request in a better tone of voice.

[Ayala Eilon]

These suggestions don't really work because the cause of the whining must be addressed. Once the child has no need to whine, the problem is solved. Trying to "stop" the child from doing what she (aparantly) need to do, only shoves her issue under the rag. You must find why she must whine. I learned this form the book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I highly recommend it. It was reviewed in Mothering. For example, a whining child may have emotional issues, anger, jealousy, insecurity and she may be supressing an urge to cry and instead it comes as constant whining. Helping her reach deep into her feelings and crying may be the solution. But I cannot know in your case. Aldort give phone sessions too. You may want to consult with her after you read her book. Any behavior that we don't like, is still a behavior that the child seems to have a real need to do and without getting to the root we only teach her that we are displeased with who she is.