Okay I should SO be sleeping right now.......................................
...but I have been trying dd#2 (18 days) at the breast again. Here's what's happening, which is what I saw on days 9 and 10, prior to her weigh in where she was not gaining enough after fabulous gain:
Rooting, licking, making cute cooing pigeon noises, looking like an adorable little piggy. (WANNA EAT HER UP! YUM!)
I get her into position. I get my big floppy boob into position. I pretend I have 50 hands and fingers, hold babe, mash my nipple into a hamburger after expressing some milk on the nipple. Babe licks milk and coos. (SO CUTE!) I wait for the big mouth, angling the tip of my nipple towards the roof of her mouth and making sure the rest is touching her chin. No big mouth. More licking. Okay. More expressing. Okay.
See the big mouth. Put dd on. She sucks a couple of times, cries and lets go. We repeat this OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I KNOW she is getting milk because she swallows. But it's like she wants a river to flow immediately instead of drops. Or she seems like she's in discomfort or something. I don't know. This was already happening before I poisoned the waters with the evil bottle.
Girl, you have to work a bit and wait for the letdown! I find it very stressful. I hate having her cry in frustration at my breast. She gets all worked up, red and even broke into a sweat today. This is not right. It doesn't seem right to me.
The midwives suggest I take her to a CST because her jaws seem very tight. She wasn't suctioned or anything. ?? Who knows. I think I'll do so even though I am not quite convinced by the practitioner I took dd#1 to. $100/session for nada result.
The midwives have been trying to lure me in for an extra visit so this week I agreed. We had a big talk about mental health and how they support me and what I did was totally medically appropriate for me. Lack of sleep is toxic to a person with a serotonin deficiency (I know, it gives me RAGE, irrational behaviour, things I don't like and that hurt my family--my mental health HAD to be a priority this time). It's just hard because I know plenty of people with depression/anxiety who were able to bf their babies. I guess it's looking at the big picture though, social support or lack of, other stressors, etc etc etc.
Dh has been a tremendous help but always complaining that it's too much, he's too tired, he can't do it all. It makes me feel very sad and I am trying to keep my problem solving hat on to make sure we get all we need. But it's stressful and tiring for ME to be worrying about all this NOW in the early postpartum. Ain't someone supposed to be mothering me?
Well this is my reality. I just wish he felt a bit better. I'm trying to support him but then end up feeling overtired myself. I caught the flu this week from him and then got a blocked duct. It's finally clearing slowly. I'm "at risk" for mastitis so I'm supposed to rest. Har de har de har.
I told the midwives that I don't want to accept this idea that I am not capable of bfing or learning how to bf. I think I have the intelligence to do so. (They agreed.
) So I am going to try a bit more. I have to do it in a non-stressful way though. If I make sure dd#2 gets fed and then offer the breast for comfort, perhaps that would work. Although when I offered the breast just now to help her doze off, initially it seemed to be comforting, but just ended up pissing off and agitating her.
It's so frustrating! I need some answers. Maybe I'll ask my primary MW for an extra visit for bfing support. Sigh. I'm tired.
Thanks for letting me vent. If any of you have ideas for how I can juggle anything (magic answers) let me know.