Originally Posted by kittywitty
To make a long story short, dh does not want more kids. Period. He's talking V.
I am from a huge family and want 10+ kids. I was a bit in pain and hormonal for awhile and thought maybe this would be the last one, but I know now I still want a big Amish family.
Unfortunately, dh does not and even though we agreed on more before we had kids together, I guess I'm getting the short end of the stick because what I want doesn't matter.
Sorry, I'm a bit emotional and angry right now and this has been upsetting me for weeks.
IFYP, as this is pretty much where we are, too. I don't *think* he would seriously consider surgery right now (and I think I've got him scared that, were he to go to that length without us being in agreement--or at least me not vehemently opposed to it--that it would render pointless the reason for doing so in the first place, LOL!), but he keeps saying he's definitely done.
I feel betrayed in some ways, because we also discussed this before we got married, and I *thought* we were in agreement about all forms of contraception--ie, we both agreed that it did not fit in our lives. But apparently, he didn't mean allllllll contraception?? Or maybe because I caved to his "logic" when we first got married and used bc for about a year, maybe he thought my mind was changed? I dunno...it hurts, but I also am reminding myself that he does have the right to change his opinion about things, even the big issues that affect others.
It's just that he's got me so off-balance, because he'll look me straight in the eye and tell me he's finished, four is his limit, not budging, but then the other night we were reading the bible and he stumbled across some silly sounding obscure name, and he laughed as he mispronounced it and then said, "Hey, if we have another boy, let's name him that!"
And I KNOW how ridiculous it is that my heart leaped at that off-hand comment and interpreted it as "there's hope for changing his mind" rather than just the silly, meaningless statement it was, but color me ridiculous, because that's exactly how my mind works.
I just cannot wrap my head or my heart around the thought that I might never do this again...even the hard moments. It makes me feel so frantic when I hold Bethany, when I see how fast (oh, my dear God, how fast!) she is growing and changing--I feel the need to capture it, memorize it, hold onto it, and I forget to just be in the moment and enjoy her.
I do have saner moments, in which I realize 1) chances are, he'll change his mind in a couple years, when he's feeling more at ease about things, and 2) even if he doesn't change his mind, it's not ultimately up to him, anyway--God may have a different plan for our lives--possibly one that neither of us can imagine right now.
boy does he have me right where he wants me though.
: It's positively brilliant--i don't know if he's actually thought it out, but it's absolutely genius. I dare not complain, or show weakness, or ask for help (from him or anyone else) because the moment I do, I hear, "if you are having this much trouble dealing with the kids we already have, how can you even think about wanting more?" Or some variant thereof.
I get impatient with the kids and raise my voice, or happen to mention that I had a rough day, or sleep in because I've been up a lot during the night....all those will be met with the same response--why in heck would I even consider more kids if I can't "handle" the stress of the ones we have now?
Funny thing is, he thinks that he's being understanding and supportive when he says such things. Seriously....I blew up at him awhile back, told him off for adding to my stress by saying such hateful things when I needed comfort and understanding and reassurance instead of being made to feel even worse about my mothering, etc.....
And he was truly stunned that I was upset at him! He thought that he was acknowledging how tough I have it already, and in light of that he was merely pointing out that another child would be even more challenging. Or so he said.
Who knows? meh
I've got to let go of my feelings about this, because honestly, it's a moot point right now.....I have a baby (and three other amazing kids!) and I need to just concentrate on enjoying them now, living in the moment with them now, and not worrying about something that may or may not happen in some future setting.
And I REALLY need to continue to bite back the flippant response I'm soooooo tempted to give him whenever he's being an ass about it, anyway! So far, I've been good, but I'm really worried that it might just spill out before I can stop it one of these days: "That's fine, dear. I understand how you feel, and I support you totally. No one is asking you to father more children. In fact, I've been thinking that I need to be more careful in selecting the father of my next child, anyway!"