When to stop trying to help?

[mama2annabelle]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this?

My SIL has a 3 week old baby. They came to visit this past weekend and stayed with us for 2 days and then with other family for 3 days. I am a breastfeeding counselor and educator, plus I have been nursing for pretty much the last five years with only a few short breaks in between children.

SIL is clueless, but says she really wants breastfeeding to be successful. She has been supplementing with formula since the first week because she just doesn't believe that she has enough milk. Her pediatrician encouraged the supplementing. I brought her to a LLL meeting with me while she was here and spent a lot of time talking with her about supplementing being detrimental to nursing at this point while her milk supply is getting established. I spoke to BIL alone about all this as well because I know how moms can be postpartum (I've been there!) and did not want to keep giving her advise if she was done hearing it. Especially since she seemed to take NONE of it to heart. I even saw a bottle of JUICE on the counter at one point when they were here! I didn't see them give it to baby, but why else would it be there?

She owns a copy of the Breastfeeding Book by Sears (I gave it to her for her baby shower) and the LLL leader gave her a big packet of info for new moms. It is so frustrating to me that someone with so much information and access to so much help would completely disregard it and then complain that they don't know what to do...which is what she does. Baby gets formula after every feeding and in place of nursing sometimes. Nursing time is getting shorter and shorter as baby is getting frustrated at the breast (forgot to mention...they're using medium flow nipples with the bottles because it took too long for her to finish the bottle with the slowest flow nipple). Thankfully her latch was perfect from the get go and she's had it easy from that standpoint.

I am at the point that I feel that any further advice is unwelcome. I definitely do not want to be pushy. But at the same time I am so sad for this little baby girl! Why won't her mama do what she needs to do???

SIL broke out in hives yesterday. BIL just told me that she is taking benadryl at the highest dose possible since last night. I know that benadryl can lead to a decrease in milk supply. They have left and are on the road heading home now. Do I call and give them this information even though they haven't asked? Of course I want to and would normally under any other circumstances, but after the last few days something tells me that they really don't care and that this might be her "out" from breastfeeding if that is what she is looking for.

Anyway, just needed to ramble and wondering what you all would do.

[sapphire_chan]

Honestly, I'd destroy the relationship because I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. What she's doing is a slap in the face to every woman with real breastfeeding problems and she needs to either start learning about breastfeeding and working at making it work or she needs to stop lying about wanting to breastfeed.

So, no advice, just near as I can tell you've lead the horse to water and even raised the water up to a more convenient height, and it's not your fault the horse is refusing to drink.

I'd be tempted to write a note and put it in a sealed envelope and have someone sign and date the seal "Dear SIL, I wrote this back when I gave up helping you be successful in breastfeeding. You totally ignored all the advice I gave and ignored all the breastfeeding literature that was given to you. Please stop telling people that you couldn't breastfeed because you didn't have enough milk, you didn't try to have enough milk. Love, Me" Because you know she's going to do that.

[maine06]

unfortunately, I think you've done what you can do. You've given her the information, the willingness to help, everything. She knows you're there... BUT, it does seem like she's pretty much decided anyway, if she's replacing nursings with formula. And if they gave juice to that little baby, well, : that's just not right.

I think now you just have to wait and see how it goes. Good job, mama, you did some good work!

[maine06]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Honestly, I'd destroy the relationship because I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. What she's doing is a slap in the face to every woman with real breastfeeding problems and she needs to either start learning about breastfeeding and working at making it work or she needs to stop lying about wanting to breastfeed.

So, no advice, just near as I can tell you've lead the horse to water and even raised the water up to a more convenient height, and it's not your fault the horse is refusing to drink.

I'd be tempted to write a note and put it in a sealed envelope and have someone sign and date the seal "Dear SIL, I wrote this back when I gave up helping you be successful in breastfeeding. You totally ignored all the advice I gave and ignored all the breastfeeding literature that was given to you. Please stop telling people that you couldn't breastfeed because you didn't have enough milk, you didn't try to have enough milk. Love, Me" Because you know she's going to do that.

ITA.

[MarcyC]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

What she's doing is a slap in the face to every woman with real breastfeeding problems and she needs to either start learning about breastfeeding and working at making it work or she needs to stop lying about wanting to breastfeed.

:

[Mama Poot]

Tell her to at least give the baby formula NOT JUICE. Sorry but I wouldn't have been able to let that one go. ....I do agree though that you've probably done all you can do.

[mama2annabelle]

Thanks for the quick replies ladies. I guess I'm just needing to give myself permission to let it go. I feel the burden of helping not only because this is my newborn neice, but also it's my profession. Part of me wants to think she is acting like this because of all the post partum hormones and that once she gets past this she's really going to have regrets. But I do feel like I have done all I can do and that trying to help any further is forcing the issue. She knows I am here and willing to help, I just have to trust that if/when she decides to get serious about breastfeeding that she will seek out my help.
It is definitely going to be so hard to keep my mouth shut if she stops because she "didn't have enough milk"!!

[Dandy]

You've done a lot and she certainly does know where to go if she wants help Maybe ... maybe you helped her through the roughest patch. Maybe she will come out of the postpartum fog with just enough supply left and will have the energy to give it a serious effort... and you will have saved that nursing relationship

I have been positively surprised TWICE this year already by women who had rocky starts and didn't seem that committed to breastfeeding!

[krystyn33]

I can relate. I'm working on postpartum doula cert and BFing support is a passion of mine. A few months ago I was helping my sister with her newborn and she gave up BFing during week 2 due to thrush. She had plenty of support and info available to her--she just did not have the commitment, and I also think that she just does not believe it makes much difference--that formula is fine, so why bother?

It was hard for me to let it go; it is still hard, especially since my niece has been hospitalized twice--for meningitis and then for RSV. I so much wanted to say something to make sure my sis knows it is possible to relactate and give that poor babe some immunity help, but that will only cause hurt feelings and bad blood between us. So I sympathize with the difficulty in biting your tongue!!!

[TattoMomK]

You tried! YOU TRIED YOUR BEST.

Even talking to your bro is better than most would do - but if he tells her that you talked to him it might just piss her off even more...you know those hormones.

Sorry but pausing on the JUICE in a bottle???? ::::

WHO is telling her to give juice as I know a pedi really wouldn't -- right?

You can keep pushing or do as PP said nail her on the "not enough milk" issue.

[miche28]

You know, I think you can acknowledge to her that you recognise that she's choosing not to breastfeed and that that choice is disappointing to you. You see that the information she has is not being put to use, so you are understanding that she doesn't actually wish to breastfeed and that it's not necessary for her to pretend that she does for anyone's benefit.

Let her know that if you've misread that and she is looking for help, you're happy to provide support, but that otherwise, you will consider it a closed matter and not offer more advice.

I don't know if you can actually do this, but putting it on the table could be helpful in future so that her "not enough milk" excuse doesn't propagate itself onto other members of the family.

Anyway, I know this totally stinks - but you don't own this decision and can't feel guilty about it.

[TattoMomK]

OMGoodness -- YEAH THAT!
:::

[mama2annabelle]

Thanks again Ladies. I think I am going to drop it and not say anything further unless asked. I hate doing that, but I don't want to risk my comments sending her deeper into this PP fog that she is in. I suffered with PPD after my second baby and know how easily the guilt and self blame can overwhelm. I am making my peace that I have tried and that I can't control what others do.

[mommydancer]

Hey, it is so sad that you have offered so much good information and your SIL isn't taking advantage. Most of us have to get up and running without much help, often despite disparagement. You have made every effort to "lead this horse to water" so to speak, and I don't see her drinking. Maybe her remarks about frustration and worry are more out of respect to what she thinks she should do than what she actually wants to do. Behavior is often a better indicator of our true intentions than words.
I think in the big picture, retaining a good relationship toward both of these parents will enable you to continue to offer healthy parenting info which will enrich (hopefully) your niece's life. Pushing too hard could cause a rupture that might inhibit your future input, so you are wise to cease until she reintroduces the subject. I will be very hard, though, so I wish you good luck.

[guestmama9904]

Originally Posted by miche28

You know, I think you can acknowledge to her that you recognise that she's choosing not to breastfeed and that that choice is disappointing to you. You see that the information she has is not being put to use, so you are understanding that she doesn't actually wish to breastfeed and that it's not necessary for her to pretend that she does for anyone's benefit.

Let her know that if you've misread that and she is looking for help, you're happy to provide support, but that otherwise, you will consider it a closed matter and not offer more advice.

I don't know if you can actually do this, but putting it on the table could be helpful in future so that her "not enough milk" excuse doesn't propagate itself onto other members of the family.

Anyway, I know this totally stinks - but you don't own this decision and can't feel guilty about it.

ITA.
two of my cousins did similar things when they had babies. they both complained about the baby "not wanting to nurse anymore" at like 4 weeks, and said they just "had to give formula". its bs in my opinion. plus as pp said it makes moms with real breastfeeding problems seem like they are being flippant too.

[CathMac]

Originally Posted by mama2annabelle

... SIL broke out in hives yesterday. BIL just told me that she is taking benadryl at the highest dose possible since last night. I know that benadryl can lead to a decrease in milk supply. They have left and are on the road heading home now. Do I call and give them this information even though they haven't asked? ...

mama2annabelle,
I tend to agree that if you hope to have input on other parenting issues down the road that you need to proceed cautiously. However, I don't see the harm in making a quick call and almost casually mentioning that she shouldn't be surprised if her supply drops due to the Benadryl and she may be able to counteract the effect with Oatmeal, Fenugreek, etc.

Good luck.
~Cath