mixed feelings

[birthmommom]

i know that some mamas are glad to let their babies cook for a long time. Trust me I don't want mine to spend any time in the NICU, or come when not ready but I am soooooo over this pregnancy.

to be totally honest, I hate being pregnant.

I should be about 37 weeks tomorrow or the next day and he can come at any time, but at the same time I am scared to be a mom again.

I haven't really shared this much, but I really want to meet this babe and find out what he is like, I really want to be a normal person again. But at the same time if I wasn't so uncomfortable I don't know that I would be ready. I think the main fear I have is that when this baby is born I will forget my other baby. I do not regret placing her for adoption and we have a very open one but I am so worried about getting caught up in life and not knowing enough about hers. I am terrified of her ever thinking that she was unwanted in some way. I don't think she will but I guess as a birthmom you are always worried about that. I also worry that what if one turns out better than the other? will she ever look at this child and wonder if her life could be like that, or will she be thrilled that she didn't end up like that? I know that we all do our best, and that we all kinda mess up our kids a little, or at least I feel that way. I was asked a lot when I placed dd if they were going to get her therapy and I wondered why, we all probably could use some.
I guess it is just a lot of hormonal surge, and that she will be 5 in March and I am not sure if I remember how to do this. Not only that but I plan on doing things a little differently this time, which i would have done anyway but I guess I don't want one to think they were shorted or another thing they got a let up. With dd she was born with epidural, bottlefed, started solids to early, had a birth defect, we co slept but not until later, I tried to wear her often, she was read to a lot and I tried to spend a lot of time with her. With this one I plan on breastfeeding, giving birth without and epidural, co sleeping from the start, and only working pt. with dd I was also a single mom, and now I am married.

anyway...just needed to get that out.
Thanks for listening

I guess all I can do is my best and hope that I do a good job.

[mama_nym]

: It seems like you're going through a lot emotionally right now and have a lot to work through. Any mother has the tendency to compare their children and one of the most difficult parts of motherhood for some moms is to let go of the comparisons and accept that every child is a unique individual and we do our best with each child. You did / are doing what is best for each of your children - you did something that many of us couldn't imagine having the strength and love to do because it was the right decision for yourself and your child. Yes, your children are going to have different lives ...but it sounds like they're both going to have good lives and both will know just how much you love them always.

[sarahn4639]

: I agree with everything Amanda said. You are in a difficult situation with lots of feelings to sort through. Just let yourself feel them and then try to let them go. :

[FelixMom]

to you for realizing you need to work through these emotions.

We all worry sometimes about whether we are short changing older children when a younger one comes along, but are amazed to find that love multiplies accordingly, embracing the uniqueness of each child.

You made some difficult decisions in the past. Cry, paint, write a journal or some poetry to get those feelings out. It will help your current impeding birth for the better to not have things lodged in your subconscious...

Good luck!

[Mama2-4]

As the pp have said, it is good to talk about your feelings and get them off your chest. I think they are all totally normal and just feel more out there because of all the pregnancy hormones and emotions running around in your body! Also, I think you are moving soon! You have so many MAJOR life changes right now how can you not help but be totally emotional! Birth, moves, divorce and death are the #1 stressors in a persons life. You are experiencing 2 major stressors simultaneously!

So, just use this as a place to release your emotions, fears and anxiety. It can be totally overwhelming at times, but take it all day by day and minute by minute.

[birthmommom]

thanks mamas...
I was thinking that this is probably just bothering me b/c so much is going on.

As for Savannah, I know that I chose the right thing at the time and I stand up for that. I have pretty much come to terms with if she is going to hate me she is going to hate me. I am pretty sure she won't b/c I will always be there to answer her questions.

Thanks again

[Gunter]

allyn,

i have a 2 year old and already think about how i am going to "miss her" because of being caught up with a newborn. i know it's not the same as what you are talking about but it's similar to feel that the newest/youngest is getting more attention. and, it's normal to second guess what kind of parent we will be to this newest one.

one thing that you said is how you plan to do things differently...you have learned a lot in 5 years of being a parent. and, we're all going to learn more with these feb babes even if we already are moms to 3 kids or 7! hopefully, the whole family benefits from the newest addition being more "attached" or whatever it is that's different this time around. it shows older kids that life is a learning process.

my babe is only 2 and i think she knows my imperfections and how i let her down sometimes. she knows that i am a real human, capable of being flawed and that hopefully allows her room in her own life to embrace her human realness instead of striving for unattainable perfection. you sound like a great mom. i am glad that you can talk with us here and process this.