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Losing my child - Page 2

post #21 of 45
1/23/08 at 3:15pm
Try to get your parents back on your side, enroll in a training program or college and set out to make your life what you want it to be.

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post #22 of 45
1/24/08 at 1:18am
I mean this quite gently -- something does not seem quite right with the story.

Usually grandparents, however squirrelly or awful, don't want the responsibility of raising grandchildren. It's a lot of work, they've done their turn, and it's not something they'll pick up unless they feel they must. Whatever their concerns, it appears that the legal and social services people agree with them. Your talk of picking up and moving suggests to me that maybe they are seeing, among other things, a lack of maturity and commitment that you want to see in a parent. No matter how hard this is for you, your child comes first. Keep in mind that it's probably very difficult for them to have you there, too. Unless it's in the agreement, they're not required to let you live there. I wonder if they and the legal people have decided it would be in your child's best interest -- and maybe yours -- to have you nearby.

I would follow the advice of some other posters here -- find a job, and find a counselor who can help you work with your parents and the legal system to get you to the point where they feel you can be trusted to have your child back.

Nursing and vegan may be important, but part of adult life and parenting is recognizing and accepting that there will be times when things just are not going to go your way, and that so long as no one will be seriously hurt, you have to let things go. I'd have loved to have bf'd, too, but a prior surgery made it impossible. My daughter came to no harm. Your child will survive the beef particles. The more important thing is doing whatever you must do to work with everyone and win back the right to care for your child.

Good luck --
post #23 of 45
1/26/08 at 5:31am
What is it that CPS says you have to do to get your child back?

As much as it may hurt to hear this, you ARE lucky to have your child in the same house as you and get to see him every day. I say that from personal experience.

How long was the temporary custody order that you signed? At least in this state, after 90 days, they have to go to court to take it any further. Have you been to court? Once your child is in someone else's custody for a year, they can move to terminate your parental rights.

If you signed a voluntary custody agreement, there should be a provision that says you can revoke it at any time, and at that point they either return your child to your custody, or it will be taken into court. If you can't afford an attorney, they will provide one for you the day of your hearing. (Again, speaking only for my state; things may be different where you live.)

I would suggest, if you move to revoke, that you be prepared to move out of the house into your own place. That's actually the caseworker's job - to help you do that. If the caseworker isn't helping you, ask for her supervisor. If the supervisor doesn't help, ask for THEIR supervisor.

You have to show them that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get your child back.
post #24 of 45
1/26/08 at 5:55am
Oh, good luck mama, Unfortunately, they are right when they say that you're lucky to be in the same house as your DC. My mom wasn't, and when she got her youngest two boys back, the foster parents had given the 13-m/o a lump the size of a golf ball on the side of his head, bruises, and a diaper rash so bad they thought it would SCAR.

That's the ugly part about CPS that no one likes to talk about-- they take kids away from perfectly loving and able parents to pad out their claims that they don't have enough money all the time.

You have to fight it as much as possible, but you have to play nice-- smile sweetly while they stab you in the back, but get it on recording.

Do what the PP said, RECORD everything, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, and DON'T SIGN ANYTHING ELSE that you don't read first. If they tell you you HAVE to sign this that or the other thing and you're not comfortable, sign UNDER DURESS on the line, then your name under it. You should be able to get a lawyer assigned to you, you have to fill out a lot of paperwork, but if you're low income, they generally have to. Be careful about the lawyer though, some of them are completely unscrupulous. Also, someone above mentioned it, but DON"T let your DC be in custody for a whole year if you can help it. You have to fight and document and fight some more. They can terminate your parental rights after something like 13 or 15 months in someone else's custody. It's hard, it gutwrenching, and COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS that you have to do so much just to get your kid back, hopefully not permanently damaged, but is the unfortunate truth.

Good luck, mama! You're in my prayers.
post #25 of 45
1/26/08 at 8:09pm
Mama, what you need is a heart full of pissed-off. They had no right to do that to you and your ds, it's just sick. Now that the court has made it's decision, there's nothing you can do but go along and do everything they say. Just make sure you read all the fine print, and if there's any doubt in your mind about what they're asking for or what's going to happen, ask. They have to answer everything, they can't do stuff to you that you don't understand. Just be polite and persistent- keep asking, what do I need to do to get my son back? How can I show the court that I'm the best parent for him? And get a lawyer if there's any way you possibly can

Let that fire of anger burn low and strong in your heart- they took your son, and you have more strength, more integrity, more heart for your child, than they do. You're his mother and you love him forever- better and stronger than anyone in the whole world. It's no different than if it was a disease that took him, or war, or a flood, or a pack of wolves. Slave mothers didn't give up their kids when they were sold away- they started walking as soon as they went free, looking for their lost children. It's no different for you- it just feels like it because you might be afraid people are going to secretly believe you aren't sharing the [I]real[I reason they gave custody to your parents. It makes you so much more alone than someone who, say, has a child battling with cancer. That's why you have to remember that this isn't your fault, no matter what anyone else thinks. Just concentrate on doing everything you can to get him back- Some day, he will know that's the way it was, and no matter what the outcome of all this, it will make all the difference.
post #26 of 45
1/26/08 at 8:44pm
Just came back to reread the original post, because I missed the part about there being a court date.

You should have been sent an order from the court to appear. Who told you you didn't need to be there? It has to be served on you; and there should be a record of the proof of service from whoever served the paperwork that is in your court file. All you have to do is go down to the courthouse and request to see the file to see if someone filed a proof of service. It's not the caseworker's job to tell you when court is (though she should), especially if it was the first court date for your case. If you live in the same house as your parents and your child, wouldn't you have known when it was because they would have had to go to court?

If you weren't served and thus didn't know the court date, I'd suggest visiting Legal Aid and having them help you file a motion for an emergency hearing based on that fact. Just call the Family Court desk at the courthouse, tell them you qualify for Legal Aid for your CPS case, and they should have the information for you. I can imagine that if you didn't show up for the initial hearing, that looked - to the court - like you didn't care about your child.

If your case has gone to court, your child should have been assigned a CASA and/or a Guardian ad Litem. And this person should have been in touch with you by now. They also should have had at least one visit with your child by now.

There should also be a follow up date in court, and I don't understand how the next court hearing could be 9 months from now. I'm pretty sure that the case has to be updated with the court about every 6 months.

It's important to know exactly what it is that CPS wants you to do to get your child back. Just because your parents are saying one thing (what were the initial allegations? what are they basing opening the case on?), if there are services that you need to engage in to get your child back, good reports from service providers are what you need to get your child back.

And, unfortunately, if you are saying to your parents that you don't want to give your child good night kisses, whether or not that's directed at your parents and not your child, they can report that to the caseworker and/or the Guardian ad Litem, and comments like that can be used against you.

It's kind of hard to help without knowing some of the bigger details. If you can fill us in on the details, I'm sure some of us would be happy to offer more suggestions.
post #27 of 45
1/26/08 at 8:49pm
Just playing devils advocate here for further clarification.

I tracked down your previous post to get history. In it you mentioned you are bipolar and this makes you get into fights with your mom with your yelling and slamming things so severely she has to call the police to settle you.

In that post and this one you mention a desire to leave you son adn pretend he doesn't exist. You also tell us that when he came in to say good night you refused to say it and IN FRONT of him said he wasn't your child anymore.

YOu are living at home because living elsewhere is not good for your bipolar. You have no job and left on a vacation while this was going to court.

Based on what I am seeing and my experiences with another single bipolar mom (so I saw the swings etc), I can understand their concerns for your son.

In your first post you said your parents are mostly good but your mom and you fight. In this one you make it sound like they are raging child abusers. I just don't see it as some conspiracy between your parents, the social worker the judge etc to tak your child. Fromt he sounds of it they want you to be in your child's life which is why they hve let you stay in the home, but they feel for your son's best interest your parents are the legal guardians.

Have you been taking and responding to your meds? do you see a therapist regularily? These are 2 vital parts of dealing with bipolar, if you have been than your therapist can testify on your behalf in court.

The most concerning thing I have heard though is how much you long to have the single pre-baby life back, and want to run away and pretend he doesn't exist. The fact that you are so willing to toss him aside like that tells me that the courts made the right decision. I can not see how you could go on vacation and just accept things, I would be making calls and pounding the pavement to make sure I got my child back. NOt gong on vacation. They have had custody now for a couple months, but you have sat there and let them, you have not gone out and gotten a job, lined up a lawyer(there is legal aide offices everywhere), even calling around and asking if a lawyer would work pro bono for you. If it is truely a case made on falsehoods like you say then I am sure there is a lawyer out their willing to take it on for free, but you have to do your part.

WHat the courts see is a mother who has clearly given up on her child, not one fighting tooth and nail to get him back.

If what you are saying is true than I am very sorry you are being put throuh this, but I have a feeling there is way more to this story than you are revealing, that indicate why the courts moved forward so quickly.
post #28 of 45
1/26/08 at 10:43pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
I mean this quite gently -- something does not seem quite right with the story.

Usually grandparents, however squirrelly or awful, don't want the responsibility of raising grandchildren. It's a lot of work, they've done their turn, and it's not something they'll pick up unless they feel they must. Whatever their concerns, it appears that the legal and social services people agree with them. Your talk of picking up and moving suggests to me that maybe they are seeing, among other things, a lack of maturity and commitment that you want to see in a parent. No matter how hard this is for you, your child comes first. Keep in mind that it's probably very difficult for them to have you there, too. Unless it's in the agreement, they're not required to let you live there. I wonder if they and the legal people have decided it would be in your child's best interest -- and maybe yours -- to have you nearby.

I would follow the advice of some other posters here -- find a job, and find a counselor who can help you work with your parents and the legal system to get you to the point where they feel you can be trusted to have your child back.

Nursing and vegan may be important, but part of adult life and parenting is recognizing and accepting that there will be times when things just are not going to go your way, and that so long as no one will be seriously hurt, you have to let things go. I'd have loved to have bf'd, too, but a prior surgery made it impossible. My daughter came to no harm. Your child will survive the beef particles. The more important thing is doing whatever you must do to work with everyone and win back the right to care for your child.

Good luck --
There absolutely is no reason for this. My parents have always been very vindictive, particularly my mother. It's been several years since I really felt like she was my mother (the exception being the first few weeks after DC was born).

I would never actually pick up and move halfway across the country (otherwise I already would have), it just sometimes feels like doing that, and leaving everything behind, would be the only thing to keep me sane. But common sense tells me that wouldn't happen, and I could never leave DC like that.

I do have a job, though. I've had a job for several months. And before that I was watching children...the only reason why I ended up getting a "real" job was because the mother didn't need me anymore once she put her children in school and I couldn't find someone who was close enough, okay with me taking DC and paying me a decent amount (seriously, all the offers I got were like $100 a week for 45 hours a week - not gonna happen lol).

The vegan (etc) thing bothers me not just because of the risks I feel DC is being put at by the various changes in DC's diet (and other things) they've made, but also because they told me that my parenting decisions - so long as they weren't harming DC - would be respected. And clearly they have not been respected. Vaxing is the only thing that, so far, they may have respected. But I don't even know for sure.
post #29 of 45
1/26/08 at 10:45pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysByMySide View Post
What is it that CPS says you have to do to get your child back?

As much as it may hurt to hear this, you ARE lucky to have your child in the same house as you and get to see him every day. I say that from personal experience.

How long was the temporary custody order that you signed? At least in this state, after 90 days, they have to go to court to take it any further. Have you been to court? Once your child is in someone else's custody for a year, they can move to terminate your parental rights.

If you signed a voluntary custody agreement, there should be a provision that says you can revoke it at any time, and at that point they either return your child to your custody, or it will be taken into court. If you can't afford an attorney, they will provide one for you the day of your hearing. (Again, speaking only for my state; things may be different where you live.)

I would suggest, if you move to revoke, that you be prepared to move out of the house into your own place. That's actually the caseworker's job - to help you do that. If the caseworker isn't helping you, ask for her supervisor. If the supervisor doesn't help, ask for THEIR supervisor.

You have to show them that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get your child back.
I'm actually planning to move out before I start fighting it. That way I can show that I've been doing my end of things. I'll look into the CPS stuff with my state.
post #30 of 45
1/26/08 at 10:49pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks again, everyone. I'll have to read the last two later, I've got to go run some errands before closing time. Thank you everyone!
post #31 of 45
1/26/08 at 11:07pm
You don't need to look into the CPS stuff for your state - it should all be listed right on the voluntary custody agreement.

Also, at some point you must have signed a service plan or safety plan, which outlines what you need to do to get your child back. If you do not have a copy of this, your CPS caseworker will be able to provide one for you. I wouldn't even call and ask for it; go down to the CPS office and have them give you a copy of it.

If we don't know what's on the service plan, none of us can help you get any further. But if you wait to get a job and you wait to move out and you wait and you wait and you wait, it starts to look like you aren't interested in getting your child back.
post #32 of 45
1/27/08 at 6:49pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
Nursing and vegan may be important, but part of adult life and parenting is recognizing and accepting that there will be times when things just are not going to go your way, and that so long as no one will be seriously hurt, you have to let things go. I'd have loved to have bf'd, too, but a prior surgery made it impossible. My daughter came to no harm. Your child will survive the beef particles. The more important thing is doing whatever you must do to work with everyone and win back the right to care for your child.

Good luck --
Whoa. Vegan is very important to those of us who are. It is the same as our moral convictions, and our religious convictions. It really is important to us vegans. And the harm thing is SO highly up for debate.....

However that said, OP, being vegan freaking takes effort. I cook for a family of five vegans. We eat awesome. People are shocked that my food is animal-free because it's just that freaking good! But it takes effort. Not just anyone, who is used to normal cooking can do it. I think that your older parents fall into that lot. They have been cooking and eating "normal" for many a year. It is my feeling that they are being VERY respectful of your wishes by PICKING OUT THE VEGETABLES for your son. That was sweet, no two ways about it. And the dairy, oh my, I have deep issues with dairy, but seriously these are older people, they really think they are making his bones strong! If it truly matters to you get into he kitchen and do the cooking. At least make one vegan dish to go with each meal. Remember being vegan is "out there" to everyone who isn't. It's not exactly something they will have any urge to trip over themselves to do. I think them picking the vegetables out shows that they do want to respect your wishes of raising a vegetarian child, and are trying to handle it as best they can. I think if you make the kitchen effort, you'll see your diet wishes for your son more respected. Also do you allow him to have soy? Are you purchasing soy dairy products for him? I'm sure if the milk, butter, ice cream, etc. equivelent is there they'd be happy to use them. What do you eat? I would assume you'd be cooking for the two of you. Anyway, I hope it works out for the four of you to everyone's best. ESPECIALLY the baby's.
post #33 of 45
1/28/08 at 1:33am
Bibicaffe, I get the vegan thing; it's a matter of perspective. My dd actually goes to a vegan daycare, and there's a local push for vegan in the public schools, which I support. However. People do not generally die of eating American diets for a year or two (on the contrary, so long as the calories are controlled, they tend to live 80 years or so). And Oz is trying to, or says she wants to, win back custody. That's the priority. Antagonizing authorities over diet in the meantime is counterproductive. If Oz gets herself together, gets the BP under control, and wins back custody, then she can keep things happily vegan for her son until the kid is about 9 and discovers he can walk to Burger King with nobody the wiser.

In the meantime, the child is under her parents' custody, so they're the ones who get to decide what's best. Frankly, Oz is lucky her parents are willing to keep her in the house, if she's really got behaviors that lead to her mother having to call the police. Many parents would tell her she had to go. It's tough to overstate the stress of living with someone who's got an active mental illness, and BP is a very tough row for families to hoe. Add to that the legal affairs and the ordinary stress of caring for a baby while being grandparent-age, and I begin to suspect the parents are in line for medals. I don't fault them for not doing cooking that's unusual for them. You really have to look at the whole picture.
post #34 of 45
1/28/08 at 1:52am
Hugs to you! I am so sorry you are going through this terrible situation. Please know that it is perfectly normal for you to feel upset and maybe overwhelmed and rather powerless right now, given the circumstances. I think it's important to validate that for yourself, and also to remind yourself you are doing absolutely the best you can at this time, we all are. When we know different, we do different.

Something that may help is looking at how you think about yourself and your life. I believe that our core beliefs about ourselves and our life are the programs by which we run our lives. So when we have a childhood where events made us feel like we were nothing, unheard, not validated or respected, etc, we see ourselves that way and that belief guides us into our lives, where we usually see it being validated. I think that people who are lucky enough to have a extremely blessed and emotionally well family growing up tend to think they are great and loved and their lives usually bear this out as well. I think many of us are around the middlish of either extreme somewhere.

How thinking like this helps me is that usually when bad things happen to me, they verify negative beliefs I've already held about myself and my life,and so it hurts all the more, and I feel powerless and overwhelmed. Now when something happens I can see I am in charge and I can take control. I see that I have a negative belief working itself out, and so I know that by addressing it, and working on letting it go, I can change my present situation. I often see the situation totally differently, and often circumstances just change themselves, once I am coming from a different place. I have had some hard times, and this has really helped me in changing my life for much the better! I still have a lot to do in this area, but it feels good to know I am working things out a little at a time and moving in a real positive direction.


Anyway, I thought maybe looking at things this way might help you, too. If this makes sense, and seems like it might help, you could start by affirming that you are powerful, (or whatever issue seems to be at the core of things) even if you don't feel that is true at first. As you keep constantly affirming it, you can work through and release past events that contributed to you feeling powerless in the first place. It sounds like your mother and home situation were at the heart of it to begin with. After validating your feelings as they come up, it's helpful often to be able to see that those who hurt us/are hurting us were hurt themselves, and so were those who hurt them, etc, because staying angry keep us tied to the pain we are working on letting go.

You can eventually let negative and self-defeating beliefs go, and allow yourself to claim your power now, which gives you the chance to change present events for you and your son. Please know you are believed in. I am sending lots of love and good thoughts your way!
post #35 of 45
2/5/08 at 12:43pm
Thread Starter 
They're kicking me out. And while I want to get out, I now have 24 hours and there's no way I can find a place that quickly. I'm going to be living in a shelter probably. The only place that I can go is a shelter, and I can't even go to the safe ones becuase they won't take me unless I have my child with me.

I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've given up on everything. All my self destructive behaviors have come back full force, and I just give up.
post #36 of 45
2/5/08 at 1:22pm
firstly - they can not just "kick you out". Technically if that is listed as your residence, your home, then they would need to go through a court ordered eviction. Yes, family would have to do that to get adult family members to leave. I know this from experience.

Secondly - if you do become homeless - i would go and apply for help with housing through social services. Not that i like DSS, but you can not just be homeless, and you have a child you need to fight for in the long run. Things might seem bad right now, but choices you make NOW will effect you (and your DCs) future.

s
post #37 of 45
2/5/08 at 1:37pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
firstly - they can not just "kick you out". Technically if that is listed as your residence, your home, then they would need to go through a court ordered eviction. Yes, family would have to do that to get adult family members to leave. I know this from experience.

Secondly - if you do become homeless - i would go and apply for help with housing through social services. Not that i like DSS, but you can not just be homeless, and you have a child you need to fight for in the long run. Things might seem bad right now, but choices you make NOW will effect you (and your DCs) future.

s
The CPS worker did it. She said I have 24 hours to get out, or she'll have me removed by the cops.
post #38 of 45
2/5/08 at 2:57pm
oh - that may be different. Can i ask why CPS told you to leave? you can PM me if you want.

I would still seek any help, dss, maybe a church, red cross, etc
post #39 of 45
2/5/08 at 11:05pm
What in the world happened?
post #40 of 45
2/5/08 at 11:11pm
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

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