It's just me and the little one today. Nice and quiet!
My milk came in right on schedule, 47 hours after birth, just like with DS. The only difference, though, is that he was born in the morning and this one was at night, so it was right as we were going to sleep.....ugh. She nursed every hour (both sides, sometimes three!) that first milky night, relishing her newfound liquid gold!! (and it IS gold, which I don't remember from last time).
Midwife came back yesterday, and we both checked out. My mom left in the evening, right before bedtime. DS was SO upset----we did our bedtime routine like normal, but he then wanted the baby out of the wrap so we could snuggle. I knew she'd wake up and want to nurse if we did this, but I thought I'd try....nope. So she's screaming, keeping DS up. Finally we trade, I nurse her while DH lays in bed with a screaming DS getting PUMMELED, then I go back in to try to help DS go to sleep....
We basically sat on the bed and rocked and sobbed in each others' arms for 45 minutes. It was so sad and so wonderful, all at the same time. He's not my tiny guy anymore, he knows it, and we're both brokenhearted.
The hardest part for me is that he is definitely done nursing. I miss nursing him so much, and I know it would help him through these rough days. But he doesn't even want to try. He just cries and says, "I can't nurse anymore! I'm not little and I don't remember how! I want to be little so I can nurse!"
I'm bawling just writing this right now. I know it's just part of life and part of our little ones growing up, but I just envisioned the end to our nursing to be a bit happier---him growing out of it and going on to be a happy, bouncy, well-attached little boy. Not filled with stress and sadness and regret.
The last time he latched on was in November, I think, and it ended with him crying, telling me he didn't remember how to nurse. I just don't want that memory at all.
I'm having a really hard time with him right now. I just want him to be happy, and he's just NOT. This is all just classic second child stuff, I know, but someone dig me out here and tell me it does get better, and that I haven't ruined his life or our relationship, please?
One good thing is the he insisted upon sleeping with us last night, and he hasn't wanted to in about a month. I was worried that the baby would keep him up, but she totally didn;t I was up with her twice, each time for about 1-1.5 hours, and while he stirred, he stayed asleep. Morning was another story---he wanted baby to MOVE so that he and I could snuggle, but even after we managed to rearrange, he just didn't want to accept Daddy getting out of bed with him. I really wanted to stay asleep as long as the baby was sleeping, but he managed to wake her up with all of his screaming. Oh well. I got up.
I'm already tired of these boulders that are trying to impersonate my breasts. Nursing is going fabulously well, and DD is handling the fast flow and oversupply much better than DS did (she doesn't even seem to notice!) but I'm now at about a 32K. Yikes.
I feel like I'm recovering pretty well---as soon as DH and DS stepped out the door this morning I had my first BM since birth. That felt really good....I also did the stairs for the first time, because DH forgot to feed the cat before he left. I think I'm really going to get the bleeding to stop much sooner this time because I've been much more serious about taking it easy.
I guess that's all from me. A novel, but I'm just so sad about last night that I needed to get it out. Thanks for "listening"