I have the answer! - Updated .... I have a diagnosis

[Nathan1097]

I've spent the day alone. Just reading - reading books of opposing opinions on psych. meds and bipolar, reading my book "Cry to Heaven", and talking with friends on the phone. Ate out. I feel more in touch with my emotions- listening to a piece over and over again. Do you ever feel you have the answer? The answer I've been searching for? I have glimpses of it- the thread that holds my life together! Me and me and me... and the glue that holds my emotions and ideas in check - that takes my mind into the music as an actual place I could go! Now I know where that is. And a secret I could tell the world! The secret of my genius. For so many years it has eluded me! Since childhood, I have had this knowlege and I have suffered to share it! The best I could do was to sing! Now I want to sing to the world, for I cannot write what I mean. I have to tell them all at once- and yet... to keep myself in my own, wonderful world!

[Nathan1097]

Man.... now I was just bawling over nothing. Listening to music for 3 hours in a row- same song- and that was not soothing! I gotta get out of here. I'm afraid to go out and its : tonight, but I must not sit in this dark bedroom all night. I will never sleep! I need to get with my friends and if not, read. DBF called and that relaxed me a bit. My ear hurts... Think I'll eat and go read. I HATE having my emotions SOO up and SOO down! Its exhausting!

[abbylotus]

are you manic right now?

[Nathan1097]

Originally Posted by abbylotus

are you manic right now?

I have no idea. WOuld seem like it. My social worker said it sounds like withdrawl??? (THEY gave me the meds!) TOnight, though, I am good. All day I've been fine. Bit achey from period, and a yucky headache, but otherwise good. Partly because I spent time today just reading and watching dvds and I even took a nap when I was tired for an hour- and THAT helped! I didn't feel over-slept when I woke up.

I see my psych. dr. tomorrow. Haven't seen her since March- so 10 mos. (Beeing seeing a social worker instead.) I think I aught to remember all this stuff before I go in, huh?

[abbylotus]

mental jazz is confusing. i was just wondering if you were manic because your first post looks a lot like something i would write if i were manic. i, too, see a social worker/therapist but i see my pysch about every three weeks. i find this system really keeps my jazz in check. good luck!

[Nathan1097]

I saw my actual psychiatrist today. Had been since April. So I told her all that's been going on this week and the past couple months, really. We talked for an hour. FINALLY somebody listened to me! For a YEAR I've been thinking to myself that really I am not depressed I am bipolar. They had me down as "bipolar uncertain" or whatever it was. Now it is "Bipolar I with mixed episodes". For whatever that is worth. I am both relieved to finally have a diagnosis and frustrated because BF sent me a link saying maybe I just have magnesium deficiency!! I asked her if could be PMS, and she said hormones play a roll in mood, but wouldn't account for the things I've told her alone. She was very nice and listened and was concise at the same time. Didn't sit and say "I really don't think you are bipolar because such and such person I know is and you don't act like them"! Ugh. I've heard that and I hate it. My social worker said that to me recently!! Its like, you feel one way, you read about it, all the lights click on "I am this!" and yet people say you aren't. Its like a cat living in a dog world. All the dogs say "You have four legs, four paws, a tail, two ears, whiskers... You are a dog." And the cat is saying "But I think I am a cat... I read how other cats feel and I think I am different...." and the dogs just say "You enjoy dog food. You talk differently, but that's okay. You are dog." She prescribed me Abilify in addition to my Depakote. She said my blood levels last few times they were taken indicated I hadn't been taking the Depakote! The number was 4 and should've been 50-100! I said "I may forget- and I did forget a couple days in a row this week- but I do take it." She said maybe it isn't working anymore so she'll add this and see- and if it doesn't work, try upping the other. I told her I'd seen people and things that then weren't there. People, buses (like this morning).... heard voices. Nothing scary. But all signs of bipolar I. I'd seen triangles in the sky back in 1999 or 2000- convinced aliens must be here. Asked my then-husband if he'd heard anything on the news?? I rubbed my eyes and looked away and they weren't anywhere but in the sky. And what year is it now? See how frustrating this is?

So what I want now is for my boyfriend (and others) to understand and at least not downplay things. I dunno- I think my mother will just say "Oh yeah. Well, I have x that is worse". Ugh. So no point in that. I told BF I felt ashamed. He said not to think that way. But it is for LIKING being manic- even though eventually it feels rotten. He told me that this is not who I am that I am still me. I said that makes sense: I don't go around saying "I am ileitis", or as my friend, Susan, said, "I am hemorrhoids!" We had a good laugh over that one! :-)


Anyway, my friends, Its been a day! To top it off, my insurance almost refused to pay for my new med! Over 300 bucks! Whew!

[abbylotus]

good you saw your pysch and had such a positive visit! i, too, have bipolar 1 mixed episodes. i have more of a problem with the manic and pyschotic (i hear and see things sometimes as well) side then the depressive. it's a bumpy road but i'm getting more of a grasp on things. i was diagosed last year this time. if you ever want to chat, pm me!

[abbylotus]

"I am hemorrhoids!"

HIlarious!!

[abbylotus]

what's going on, mama?!!

[Nathan1097]

Originally Posted by abbylotus

what's going on, mama?!!

Hey.
I had to make a call to my pdoc because I couldn't sit still for a moment and was becoming more and more manic- buying things, dis-engaging, drinking more, very agitated and quick to lash-out, mood swinging up and down quickly. She upped my Depakote and took out Abilify (which she'd added only a few days before- about a week ago) and added Ativan.

I saw my social worker yesterday. She wants me to keep track of my moods in one of those charts. I started to before, but you know... My leaving diagnosis from that appointment was "Bipolar I, current mildly manic" (Or however they word it.) Some of the stuff she wants me to talk about and work on, I don't really wanna. Like she's always wants me to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend - specifically to re-evaluate. At the moment, he is across the table from me looking at his laptop looking like he's about to cry. That' is very unlike him. He thinks he may have ruined it- which is understandable. He just gave me a hug and a kiss. (I'd told him I was here for them if he needed.) Awww....

As far as me, I am still in a bit of manic phase and still taking Ativan to try to counter-act that while the new Depakote dose takes effect. That includes wanting to shop, and wanting sex a lot. But it HAS calmed down somewhat. I feel less out-of-control- if that makes sense. I did get the kids some piano theory and piano music, as we got a free upright piano a couple months ago and they keep asking me to learn to play. I got two theory books- one for my 6-year-old and one for my 10-year-old, with a note telling my 8-year-old that if she wanted to learn, too, I'd get her one.

I did take myself out for breakfast this morning and read some; I talked with a good friend on the phone for a bit about music; talked with my ex. about the kids for a bit... All good stuff. Now I feel like just doing stuff here today, but we'll see what SO wants.

Thanks for asking!

[abbylotus]

you'll feel a lot better once that mania crap cuts out. talk about exhausting. good luck!! i tried to pm you, but your box if full.

[abbylotus]

i had taken ativan in the hospital and it helped quite a bit. peace to you.

[Nathan1097]

I cleaned up my inbox a bit.

[Autumn Breeze]

yeah, that sounds like me when I'm hypomanic.

I'm glad you were able to get your pdoc to listen.

I don't see mine for another few weeks, but I have a 2nd opinion appointment coming up.

[Nathan1097]

I had an appointment to follow up about the ativan and higher Depakote with my pdoc Monday but missed it! My cell phone's calendar is out of whack. So I had to reschedule for THIS Monday. Oh well. That means a short work day though. hehe....

[abbylotus]

has that ativan taken you down a couple of notches?

[Nathan1097]

Yeah the ativan has helped a lot. I found this article which practically describes me- the singing and everything! At the moment, though, I am up in the middle of the night (post says 3 a.m.!) with a sore throat, aches, headache.... blah! It was a possible snow-day here, but our county has no closings; many others do, though. We've had some snow-days last week. (I work at a school.) So no built-in excuse to stay home; will have to actually call in sick. My sleep is all messed up - obviously. Show on tv about the blue whale. They're the biggest animal ever to live on the earth. Neat, huh? Anyway, here's that article. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/pha...olar-disorder/