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So sad and so hurt

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I just don't know where else to put this. A few weeks ago, we had a discussion on this board about grieving the loss of a friendship. And today I am just so slammed by the whole thing, I don't know what to do. I need to lose it, I need to cry and scream and let it out, but of course I am at work and I can't. Then when I get home, I can't do it there either.

The story I told about losing my friend is here.

I just hurt, so much. I know she's not dead, she's alive and well and has her family and doesn't need me and my drama, but she was my best friend, more of a sister than anyone else ever has been. I miss her, I feel like a part of ME has died. I don't want to do this whole pregnancy thing without her, I don't want to do it all most of the time. I can't get past this because I know her life goes on, and I dream of her happiness, but part of me is so filled with anger that I can't move on too.

I'm not angry at her, no way, but at myself. I hate myself for letting him put me in this position and now that I want more than anything to get away, to be free, I CAN'T. I can't legally make him leave and I can't financially take myself and my children away from him. It sucks so bad and I need her, I just need her voice and her hugs and her laughter. I want to call her on the phone and talk about what she made for dinner and what her dog dragged in from outside and what her son said that made her laugh and what her baby did for the very first time. But I can't. It's my fault, but I still can't.

I have never felt so alone. And I still have to have this baby alone. I don't think I can do it.

I'm sorry, I just needed a place to get some of this out.
post #2 of 8
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
post #3 of 8
(((((((hugs)))))))))

You know what you need to do, and it sounds like someday you want to do it. I'm wishing you the strength you need, when you need it, and where you need it. Someday you will have your friend back.

Have you gone to the single moms board or the parents as partners board? There might be some people who can offer you help and really good advice.
post #4 of 8
I'm so sorry I read your other post. It sounds like you're in such a tough situation. I agree that you should head over the single moms and see what advice they have. Many of these women have left abusive situations and have survived with their children.

I'd advise you to go to a women's shelter and speak with a counselor about your options and what's likely to happen if you leave. You might be empowered or discouraged, but you'd have an accurate picture of your situation should you decide to leave.

s
Lisa
post #5 of 8
so sad
post #6 of 8
post #7 of 8
I'm sorry. I ended things with my best friend a couple years ago and I still dream about her all the time.
post #8 of 8
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa49 View Post
I'd advise you to go to a women's shelter and speak with a counselor about your options and what's likely to happen if you leave. You might be empowered or discouraged, but you'd have an accurate picture of your situation should you decide to leave.
I have done so, numerous times. I've been in touch with CPS regarding his abuse of the kids, too, and the fact that his verbal and emotional abuse of me is abusive to them (continuing the cycle, etc.) but it all comes to nothing. Going to the shelter backfired on me last time, and even counseling with them now feels rather pointless.

Quote:
I agree that you should head over the single moms and see what advice they have. Many of these women have left abusive situations and have survived with their children.
I wondered if it was really appropriate for me to post in the single moms forum, because I am still married. He is not actually a partner, doesn't really do anything but weigh us down and hold us back, yet he IS still there. Maybe there is someone who has gotten out of a situation like mine though, who might be able to provide some insight as to pathways I haven't considered... I don't know. I can check... it's always better to hope. Thanks.... I appreciate the kindness I've found here.
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