So now MIL is giving me a hard time...

[MarcyC]

Why why why.....
Why do people assume just because I'm bottle feeding, my baby deserves less.

The in-laws are here visiting. Of course, since they are uncomfortable w/breastfeeding (which I'm technically not), I have to feed him in another room. Okay okay...I actually don't mind it because I can escape from them...LOL!

What I've been doing is bottle feeding him, but doing skin to skin. I hold him on one side w/bottle and pump the other side. About half way through the bottle, I switch sides. I also allow him to tell me when he's done....never forcing him to hold the bottle...all the normal things you'd do while nursing, just with a bottle, kwim?

Well, last night I pumped while he fed, then he fell asleep, but he was up again and rooting an hour later so I decided not to pump at that point and I took him out in the living room to feed him. I was wearing flannel pjs with a spaghetti-strap tank underneath. So I unbuttoned my shirt and held him against my bare chest, but my "girls" were completely covered.

When I hold him, I usually tuck his bottom arm down around towards my back just like in the nursing position.

MIL says: if you hold his arm back like that, he'll never learn to hold his own bottle.

Um.....okay.....who cares! I LIKE feeding him. Love it, as a matter of fact.

Then she says: why do you pump and bottle feed...can't you just nurse him. I said, no he has latch problems so this is the best I can do for him. She said she saw formula on the counter. I said that I cannot pump enough for all of his feedings so he does get formula, too. She asked well why pump at all for just some breastmilk, why not switch him to all formula.

O-M-G!!! Get a clue!!!

Today she asked me why I do skin to skin. I said it's important for him to feel and smell my skin. It's good for him. It feels good to him. She said, maybe he's like the feel and smell of flannel or fleece...what kind of fabric softener do I use...maybe he'd like a calming lavender scent or something.

Oh...okay...

I don't know what do to...I'm going nuts!!!

[velcromom]

It sounds so frustrating, I'm sorry mama! I can't imagine dealing with having my MIL in the house!!

[thixle]

When are they leaving???
No J*, I can't "just pump a bottle" so DD can drink from a bottle in public around you because I can't pump... No, she can't come spend the night by herself K*, she's only 2 months old and I can't pump... My ILs have selective hearing, too. Dmaned if you do, damned if you don't

[RachelGS]

It sounds like you're working hard and doing really well by your baby. Try to remember that.

[GooeyRN]

You mil sounds like a real peach. I don't see why she cares so much about how or what your baby eats. I really don't get why she thinks you should give all formula. She seems pretty odd to think your baby would prefer scented fabric softener than the smell of mama.

My mil keeps pressuring me to give ds bottles during the day when dh isnt here b/c it will be easier. How would it be easier? I still have to feed him! Maybe she assumed I would bottle prop. Um, no. Bottle feeding does not mean babies don't deserve the same cuddles and skin to skin. Keep it up, you are doing a great job. I EP'd for my dd, and she never held her own bottle. She didn't even hold her own sippy cup until a week before her second birthday. And she still sits on my lap to drink it at 27 months old.

[mama24-7]

It is sooooo hard having the ILs around and to have them hammering out the questions only makes it worse. I'm pretty lucky, mine usually have better things to do and are happy to brag about their grandchildren that they almost never see. :

I know that my mom asks me questions about things that feel like she's critical but she's really just curious. Is it possible that's why your MIL is asking? I know it doesn't feel that way. It's very likely she never held your dh skin-to-skin and doesn't know how important every drop of breastmilk is b/c her generation was told formula is better. I really think the concept of bottlenursing is foreign to many, many people.

You baby is lucky that you persist. Many have given up way before now!

Sus

[turtlewomyn]

It sounds like part of the problem is that she is really clueless and just doesn't understand why so she is asking questions. My MIL does this stuff, and has pissed off an alienated people because of it. For instance, the time when she was asking my SIL (the wife of DH's step brother on his dad's side, the family is divorced and remarried, but everyone goes to the kids birthday parties, or they did before this incident) why did she have her tongue pierced and what was it good for. She just kept asking stupid questions over and over and didn't get it. It is almost like they are socially inept or something.

I know it doesn't make it any better, but just remember, it is her, not you.

[elanorh]

MarcyC,

My ILs were frustrating while I was having to exclusively pump (and give elemental formula), as well. Lots of "Why bother to pump? You could get off your ridiculous diet" comments, lots of "Well she seems to like the formula and is finally gaining weight" comments, etc.

It's very difficult to do, but continue to kindly explain what you're doing and why. Our culture is so dismissive of the value of breastfeeding, breastmilk, etc. and people simply default to the formula-feeding 'norm' in terms of their expectations, unfortunately.

My sister and bil adopted a baby a few years ago, and they did as you're doing, and always held her in a nursing position etc. etc. while giving her formula bottles. They got questions too. Unfortunately I think people just expect that bottle-fed babies should be holding their own bottles and bottle-propped a lot of the time.

Anyway, we continued to explain/educate with SIL and FIL and step-MIL.... Eventually they quit asking questions (either they didn't like the answers or they finally 'got' it ) -- hopefully eventually you will get through to your ILs as well. I certainly don't think that the ILs have become lactivists by any stretch of the word - but I think they do know a little more, represent a little better, etc. than they did before. And they quit harassing me.

[franklinmarxmom]

You are doing such good things for your baby! What a lucky baby you have!

My IL's and my own parents are idiots too. I EP'd for 3 weeks, then slowly added nursing sessions to replace the bottles, and all of them told me I should just give up.

Adding to PP:

Now, we are still nursing at 12 mos., except when I work and he gets a bottle, 1-2x/day. And daycare expresses concern about his development, "He's the only one who can't hold his own bottle!" That's b/c he never gets to practice, ever! We even deliberately bought those big, fat Avent bottles, which are too heavy and awkward for him, so they have to keep feeding him. Thankfully, they don't mind, but it's so wrong that "bottle-holding" should be counted as a developmental milestone. Even EI asked about it at his eval! My answer: No, he can't hold his bottle, because I do.

[oskie]

Originally Posted by MarcyC

MIL says: if you hold his arm back like that, he'll never learn to hold his own bottle.

Oh, but didn't you know she's completely right about this? That's how my mom bottle-fed me and here I sit, 30 years later, still unable to drink anything by myself.

Oh, wait. That's wrong. Somewhere I must have picked up that little skill. Probably learned it "on the streets" like I had to learn everything else my "neglectful" parents didn't teach me.

Keep up the good work and don't let anybody that ignorant make you feel bad!

[WhoNeedsSleep?]

I dealt with a lot of this as well when I was EPing. In fact I got really bad comments from LLL women (that's another thread all together) and from one Mom;s group that I went to. They ripped the bottle out of my hand and tried to force my son to my breast. Needless to say, I never went back. My husband, my son's endocrinologist, my mom, and my MIL were my only supporters. His ped, pretty much threatened to call CPS (God knows why), my siblings and friends thought I was nuts, my FIL thought I was an idiot, and his ped said "formula is good enoguh and to stop being a super mom."

[DreamsInDigital]

Originally Posted by oskie

Oh, but didn't you know she's completely right about this? That's how my mom bottle-fed me and here I sit, 30 years later, still unable to drink anything by myself.

Oh, wait. That's wrong. Somewhere I must have picked up that little skill. Probably learned it "on the streets" like I had to learn everything else my "neglectful" parents didn't teach me.

:

[Ruthla]

I'd give your MIL the benefit of the doubt- assume she was asking because she honestly didn't understand and does want to learn, even if her social skills are lacking.

Could you send her information to read (email or snail mail) about the benefits of breastfeeding in your situation? Specifically you need to send her stuff about the benefits of breastmilk, even when formula supplementation is needed, and the benefits of bottle-nursing when direct feeding at the breast isnt' possible. I'd suggest giving information about the baby's specific reasons for being unable to latch as well.

Maybe if she can read and digest the information on her own time, she can be more supportive/less annoying when you see her in person.

[KittyKat]

Today she asked me why I do skin to skin. I said it's important for him to feel and smell my skin. It's good for him. It feels good to him. She said, maybe he's like the feel and smell of flannel or fleece...what kind of fabric softener do I use...maybe he'd like a calming lavender scent or something.

Yes, didn't you know chemical fragrances and fabric softeners are SO much better for babies than your smelly nasty dirty skin. Ew.

I mean for crying out loud, why should a poor innocent baby be subjected to so much HUMANITY by being held against his mother's skin?

Keep it up. You are doing AWESOME.

[captivatedlife]

"Oh don't worry, he'll learn how to drink from a cup when the time's right. It's important I bond with him and spend time with him - did you know he can regulate himself and his heartbeat/breathing by being next to me! It's amazing. While I cannot give him the best I want, I am going to work my darndest and give him the best I can! Can you imagine (big eyes here) not giving EVERYTHING I can for him? Seriously!"

or something like that. Hugs - family is hard, but you have to stick to your guns!

[boheime]

I'm a low supply mom and have to supplement with LAs. I NIP without problem, but if my ILs are here, I head to the bedroom. I just don't want to deal with them and their crap....so when they are here, this very pro-lactavist hides in the bedroom to nurse. I've worked too hard to provide my children with as much breastmilk as possible. It's hard emotionally and I don't need them adding to that.

[sapphire_chan]

If she's only asked about each topic once, I would think she was trying to learn. (Unless her voice was super sneery or something.)

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/pre...g/bonding.html
might be helpful to give to her. It's a mainstream source and talks about the importance of touch in bonding.

[Hippie Mama in MI]

Mother in laws are created to give us headaches. It's their purpose in life, they LIVE to grind away at us for eveything they can think of, and it makes their day when they can smile smugly and say, "I told you so."

Why?? Because we have their sons now. Deep down, they resent the heck out of that.

Just IMHO.

[KittyKat]

Originally Posted by Hippie Mama in MI

Mother in laws are created to give us headaches. It's their purpose in life, they LIVE to grind away at us for eveything they can think of, and it makes their day when they can smile smugly and say, "I told you so."

Why?? Because we have their sons now. Deep down, they resent the heck out of that.

Just IMHO.

Aww, that's kind of sad.

I know, I know, for plenty of people it's reality. Hopefully it's helping *us* to learn what NOT to do as a MIL someday.

I am so very grateful for my MIL.
DH is an only child. Far from acting resentful, I have been taken in as the daughter my MIL never had by birth. She's kind, caring, helpful, and understanding.

She didn't BF her son, but recognizes that was due to her own lack of experience and info about it, as well as the cultural climate. She asks me questions, and tells me she's glad I do the best I know how for her grandkids. If I choose to BF in the room with the family, she never gives me flack. If I ask for a quiet back room to calm a restless fidgety little one, she provides a soft rocking chair.

THAT is the kind of MIL I hope to be someday!

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by Hippie Mama in MI

Mother in laws are created to give us headaches. It's their purpose in life, they LIVE to grind away at us for eveything they can think of, and it makes their day when they can smile smugly and say, "I told you so."

Why?? Because we have their sons now. Deep down, they resent the heck out of that.

Just IMHO.

I have awesome in-laws. My husband, on the other hand, deserves everyone's pity.