or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Personal Growth › Coping for the Highly Sensitive Parent
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Coping for the Highly Sensitive Parent - Page 3

post #41 of 88
Hmm, those last replies were helpful for me. DD is almost two and I had planned to wait at least one more year before even thinking about getting pregnant. I tend to need just a couple of really close intense relationships and I already have one with DH and one with DD I wonder if adding another would be too much for me. DD is very intense and demands my constant attention and I often feel very overwhelmed. Definitely something for me to think about further.
post #42 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by kylesmama View Post

That is my dream too - to have a single night away in my own bed & room - or just a day of silence! I have been nursing for 3.5 yrs & dc are very sensitive at night time - dd is sleeping on me now - but I guess my sensitivity helps me meet & care for their needs.

I couldn't have found this thread at a better time! Thanks!
______________________

Your comment really hit home..... My husband dreams about great holidays , sightseeing etc etc .. and I just want to go to a quiet island with only me there where I can walk along the beach, sit on a big rock and look at the ocean, read a book and sleep for a week!!
post #43 of 88
Hello -

This is my first post to this forum. So Hi everyone

I am a HS. Through the years I have cultivated many coping mechanisms. I realized I "am not fit for regular service". So I am a yoga teacher and I work in clay. Both of these things feed my sensitive nature and make me a better parent. I also use flower essences from Perelandra- Ltd. and I use gemstones for healing my sensitive energetic field.

It took me a long time to learn to adjust to parenting because of my nature? but now I make time for me and respect my need for not having constant stimulation in the environment. Like the damn t.v. drives me nuts. So I bought headphones for it. I ask my family to help me accomodate my nature - and they do. My four year old gets - its quiet time. We bend and flex all the time for each of our natures.

I would highly recommend Restorative yoga, meditation, sacred reading and nature. Gardening is the balm that heals the soul (its seed catalog time right now, planning for next years garden) I also make herbal products for me and my family from my garden which I love. Most important is to pay attention to the inner msgs you receive from your body/psyche. I work with my dreams and they let me know what I need to do too to get in balance. For HS its and inner thing I think.

Great question.

Many blessings
post #44 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraLoo View Post
but I so needed to get away and be in control of what I needed when I needed it for longer than just a couple of hours here and there. Does anyone else do solo get aways, or am I the only one?
A few years ago I realized I needed the break of DH taking Hope to church on Sundays and got DH on board. Now Sundays I get regular me time until 12:00 or 1:00. Sometimes I sleep in, sometimes I watch a movie, take a bath, get a massage, check email, etc.

Also I was very fortunate to be able to have a couple of solo get aways at my friend's mother's home. One was overnight and one was for five days. Having that time to relax, unwind, watch movies, journal, cry, listen to music, have Reiki treatments, etc. was very healing and grounding for me.
post #45 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by kylesmama View Post
cortneydc - honestly, I have to say that 2 dc has put me over the edge a bit.
...I must honestly say that I have never been so overwhelmed before. I find that I completely freeze & can't do anything & I think it's b/c of the chaos of 2 young kids. I often wonder if there was more space b/n them if it would be any easier...who knows. Me & the kids all have intense personalities & reactions & sensitivities & seem to really play off each others emotions. It's really hard on me. I feel like a deer in the head lights quite often. I have not figured out any coping techniques yet. & have just discovered HSP & that is what's wrong with me! I felt more in control with just one & maybe it was b/c he was young & not so intense, etc. yet as well. I sometimes wish I had more time for his emotional needs (& mine) I feel very stretched thin.

...I agree a positive is that I am very intune with other people - I can read emotions & find I am sensitive to my dc & to their friends needs. I can read people & see thru face value as well. I thrive on authenticity & also have a very deep intuitive complex inner life - constantly thinking about my thoughts. & as a pp said am sensitive to others facial expressions or noises on the phone, etc. esp those I know well. I also struggle with others not getting why I value people over things - that is one thing that goes way back w/ my family - they always took way better care of things than the people. I never got that. It's very strong in my heart.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been considering the idea of having another baby for quite some time as I had dreams of a large family.

If I had a child that was very loud like DH I would have a hard time adjusting. And yet if I had another quiet, thoughtful child like Hope the transition would definitely be easier.

Whenever I go over to my sister's house I am overwhelmed by her kids (she has 4) and her house. But that is mostly because of the chaos at their house. I end up feeling emotionally and physically drained by the end of the visit.

My good friend has 3 kids and when I would play with her 3 I have fun and can enjoy the children without feeling drained. I guess the big difference is the chaos.

This is something to definitely consider for us HSPs before having another baby if we are unsure.
post #46 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by kylesmama View Post
cortneydc - honestly, I have to say that 2 dc has put me over the edge a bit. we were discussing whether our family was complete & that we could barely handle & had time for one & each other - when we discovered that we were pregnant w dc2 - surprise! I must honestly say that I have never been so overwhelmed before. I find that I completely freeze & can't do anything & I think it's b/c of the chaos of 2 young kids. I often wonder if there was more space b/n them if it would be any easier...who knows. Me & the kids all have intense personalities & reactions & sensitivities & seem to really play off each others emotions. It's really hard on me. I feel like a deer in the head lights quite often. I have not figured out any coping techniques yet. & have just discovered HSP & that is what's wrong with me! I felt more in control with just one & maybe it was b/c he was young & not so intense, etc. yet as well. I sometimes wish I had more time for his emotional needs (& mine) I feel very stretched thin.

sound (especially whining, crying, constant demands & neverending imaginative stories), visual clutter (which my house is always cluttered - is this common for HSPs?) & emotions are my biggest triggers. I get worked up so quickly & usually prob make things much worse than it is. I like retreating & being anonymous as well - am surprised I've been able to reside in a small town for 2 yrs - I just don't make myself available quite often. Unfortunately I don't get many real breaks - or none that seem to really help me. My HSC ds won't be without me except with select people - no classes or school without me so that makes it hard to get a break.
Thanks so much for your honesty... I'm afraid I would feel overwhelmed as well. However, we have purposely waited to have bigger age gap, but am not sure if that would make a difference or not, we'd still have two kids and WAY less time to ourselves. (dh is not HS, but very introverted and we both need alone time in addition to time with each other)

It's such a difficult decision and I didn't mean to hijack this thread, so thanks for taking the time here to share your experiences.
post #47 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraLoo View Post
Does anyone else do solo get aways, or am I the only one?
I wish I could! But I'm a single parent, barely squeeking by on SSI and child support- I'm sure my parents could watch the kids for a couple of days but I can't afford to pay for a hotel room!

Quote:
Originally Posted by shantiom View Post
Hello -

This is my first post to this forum. So Hi everyone


Quote:
I would highly recommend Restorative yoga, meditation, sacred reading and nature. Gardening is the balm that heals the soul (its seed catalog time right now, planning for next years garden) I also make herbal products for me and my family from my garden which I love. Most important is to pay attention to the inner msgs you receive from your body/psyche. I work with my dreams and they let me know what I need to do too to get in balance. For HS its and inner thing I think.
For me, paying attention to inner messges from my body/psyche means NOT planting a garden! Besides being highly sensitive, I also have fibromyalgia- bending down to tend a garden is simply out of the question- even getting outside on the hottest days is a lot for me.

Yoga is also a toughie for me- I would probably need individual lessons with a skilled yoga instructer (or whatever the appropriate term is) because there are many "simple" movements that I can't do safely or comfortably. Reaching my arms above my head is a MAJOR workout for me, and I can't bend my head lower than my waist without getting dizzy. It's hard for me to get up from the floor.

Ack. My shoulders hurt just THINKING about yoga right now! I'm just getting over a flare-up from the FMS- I'm in a lot less pain than I was yesterday but I'm nowhere near 100%.
post #48 of 88
I am also highly sensitive but my son who is 7 is extremely highly sensitive.

As a matter of fact my son is so sensitive that I am pulling him from school to HS because he just doesn't do well in a boisterous classroom with constant 'forced' socialization all day long. When he comes home from school he just wants to be alone to de-frag.

I am very sensitive to fabrics. Especially lace. I don't own a single piece of lacy clothing. I can barely wear a bra. When I do wear a bra it is a cotton, very soft sports bra or a thick, tight camisole. The feeling of most bras just make my skin crawl. Hubby always hints that he wishes I would wear some sexy lingerie but I just can't. It makes me itch just thinking about it.

My DS is also the same with clothes. No elastic can touch him. He pulls off socks the second he is home. He has to have all tags cut out of clothing. All new clothes must be washed multiple times before he can comfortably wear them.

I think it is somehow beneficial to my son that I am also highly sensitive. When I was a kid no one understood me. They just thought I was being 'picky'. I never think that about my son. I understand him.

I am also easy to fly off the handle and overwhelmed. For example, if we have to be somewhere or someone is coming over in a few hours I start to get panicked about everything that needs to be done - laundry put away, dishwasher unloaded, floor swept etc etc.

I really try to control it and even know ahead of time that I will get overwhelmed. Hubby is slowly trying to understand it. Sometimes I just warn him....."You know, your family is coming for dinner tomorrow so I am going to start getting overwhelmed by around 4pm." LOL!
post #49 of 88
I am this person as well.
I always attributed it to being a pisces ( well actually a double water sign with moon in scorpio)
I find that reading about astrology helps me to come to terms with the fact that everyone is different.
I stay at home alone a lot because of the noise and commotion the outside world brings.
If Im going to go out I try and meditate first and come to some kind of agreement with myself that Im going to have to deal:
post #50 of 88
Wow, what a great thread! I am definitely a HS person. I took the quiz just for fun and I scored 24. No question about it, I've always been sensitive since I was a child and was treated as if I was abnormal by my parents and labeled as, "shy" by my peers and teachers. I hated it, I found that very few ppl understood me and my mom still tells me to this day, "you are over-sensitive." I find it incredibly overwhelming to have too much going on at one time and I cannot stand loud noise, harsh lighting and strong smells. I don't even like going to the mall, b/c if I have to walk past a bath and bodyworks or the perfume counter, it just hits me so hard, I usually get a headache immediately.

I know that it is genetic in our family, my father is a very sensitive person (although he's also NPD, so he is only sensitive to himself and not at observing others emotions and feelings), one of my brothers is also very sensitive. As a child it was so easy to push him over the edge, but now as an adult, I find it very comforting to talk to him, since he understands me and I understand him and we are both very observant of those around us. I have come to realize that my oldest DS is also HS. So, this is a very strong trait from my side of the family. I would venture to say my mil is also HS, but she is also NPD like my father, so it's all about her, and not other ppl.
post #51 of 88
I will be back to read through the posts, but this is definitely me, too. I have some sensory issues for sure. Light brightness/placement, sounds, movement, touch, everything. And I'm extremely sensitive to my environment in a number of ways. I soak up everything. Every place I go has a "feeling" or a "mood" to it. I'll drive out of my way because I like the feeling of the route better. It's almost like synesthesia, in a way. When someone's hurting, upset, in pain, etc... it just takes me over. And yet I have little concept about how to show them that I feel for them... but that's another topic, I think.

I have been working on my coping skills when overwhelmed for years. I'm well known for "curling up in a ball" in blankets and hiding when I feel that way. It's very soothing to just block everything out like that. But I'm doing better (usually) at learning about how to deal with troubling situations without doing that. It's all a constant battle/learning experience.
post #52 of 88
This makes a lot of sense to me. I have never thought of myself as highly sensitive, though I have thought one of my DDs is. But I took the test and read some of Aron's pieces on her website, and this is definitely me. I can't take being in big crowds, or a lot of loud noises. I can't wear lace, either - too itchy. I was dubbed "shy" as a kid...people also say my DD is shy. I am going to have to read more about it so I can help DD understand that "shy" is not bad. It's just that those "talky" people get uncomfortable when someone doesn't talk back to them.
post #53 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemon Lady View Post
Are there any HSP moms around?

For those of you who are HSPs, I'm interested in whether you feel that parenting has been different for you than it is for others who are not highly sensitive. It has always been quite a task for me to reap the advantages of my sensitivity and to manage my life so that I don't become overwhelmed, which happens rather easily. What, if any, benefits do you see in being an HSP and a parent? What drawbacks? Any particular coping mechanisms you've developed to manage?
I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only one! I've spent years feeling inadequate as a parent because so many little things make me nuts! I'm still trying to find ways to cope because I often feel like I should live by myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thriftyqueen View Post
I am a beginning to realize that I, as well as my son, am highly sensitive. Noise really bothers me. It was really hard for me when DS was a baby because he cried a lot and I couldn't handle the sound. Anything high pitched, continuous, loud really bothers me. I love quiet. Some people like to have a TV or radio on all day. I can't stand it. It is hard for me when DS and DH play loudly together. I have to leave the room most of the time because the noise drives me crazy.

I am highly sensitive to scents as well. We are chemical/scent free in our house for this reason. DS is sensitive to these things too. I have a hard time in public because the smells really get to me.

I think it is hard to parent as a sensitive person because sometimes you just can't get away from the things that get to you.
When my ds was an infant I thought I'd go insane. He was colicky and rarely slept and I was so sick with hypo and ppd I really thought I'd die before we both got better. I cannot stand high pitched sounds, and I just hate it when the rest of the family is home for more than a couple of days (think school vacations) because my dh and dsd like the tv on all the time and I hate it. I can't stand it when I'm somewhere and both a tv and music are on at the same time. I find it irritating when one of the kids wants to play a handheld video game while watching tv. I personally have lived without a television but dh is a tv addict, so this is a constant battle we have when everyone is home. I spend a lot of time holed up in another room or, as Ruthla said, in front of the computer.

Smells make me physically ill, so often when I do go out I end up having to move or leave because of some intrusive odor.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraLoo View Post
The worst noise for me is when dh watches some sporting event on TV -- I can't handle that "haaaahhhhahhhhhh" spectator noise in the background, and then the commentators yelling above the noise when something happens. I might as well be chewing glass.
OMG! yes! I hate that sound! I can't stand sports anyway, but I think the noise factor is the biggest part of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sledg View Post
I have trouble with noise (too loud or too many noises at once-like when everyone tries to talk at the same time), chaos, too much visual stimulation, crowds, being touched too much or having people in my space too much. I have trouble with the kids' meltdowns-I get can get worked up very quickly when they meltdown, it's just so...overwhelming.

All of that. I can't stand for people to invade my space. Both of my dcs are sensitive and a bit clingy, so we're at odds there. Dsd has a particularly strident tone that comes out daily when she is irritated and it grates on my nerves. Both dcs seem to delight in irritating each other which leads to bickering and the sound makes me want to find a rubber room. Noise without a purpose puts me on edge. If you aren't going to watch the tv, why is it on?

Trying to find ways to attend to everyone's needs is the hard part. Dh and dsd seem to really need noise, where I need quiet, and ds seems to be able to deal with either. Since dsd got an ipod with earbuds she is able to do things quietly for longer periods of time now. We're finding headphones are a wonderful tool to cut down on some of the noise. Sudden noises drive me batty as well, and I honestly don't know how to do anything about those. How do you stop your dcs from dropping things? I find smaller houses noiser, also. I grew up in the midwest where houses are larger and yards are as well. Here, everything is so close together that if someone has something on in one room you can hear it all over the house. There's no upstairs or basement to put any distance between you. I always feel like everyone is right next to me invading my space.

People always act like I'm weird for wanting my space, and for wanting my quiet. I've always felt like noisy people who like to be crowded like a litter of puppies were weird, yk?
post #54 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by melissabb View Post
I am also easy to fly off the handle and overwhelmed. I really try to control it and even know ahead of time that I will get overwhelmed.
I find I am flying off the handle A LOT with DD and I hate it.
I wonder if this is partly due to being an HSP but also it could be that she is 5 now and that sometimes my expectations of her are far beyond her ability to project. It's hard to describe what I'm trying to say. She doesn't think things through and then has issues and I get so frustrated...perhaps this is the age that one figures out cause and effect.

Please share any thoughts you have on this.
post #55 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I'm ...trying to find ways to cope because I often feel like I should live by myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I should live on my own too. Perhaps it depends on how out of balance I am.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
Smells make me physically ill, so often ...I end up having to move or leave because of some intrusive odor.
DH is a mechanic and worked from home for 2 years, boy, can I relate! Sometimes the smell of diesel or gas fumes would be so strong and fill up the kitchen. uke It was sooo gross!


Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I can't stand for people to invade my space. Both of my dcs are sensitive and a bit clingy, so we're at odds there.
Lately it seems all 5 year old Hope can do is cling to Mama! ARGH! It drives me crazy!!! Of course telling her to back up only makes her cling more. Sheesh. Any suggestions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
Trying to find ways to attend to everyone's needs is the hard part.
For the most part Hope and I get along fantastically (sp?). We both enjoy having quiet, reflective time for reading or play as well as loud and crazy time at times. Trying to fit DH in is another story altogether. He is so loud and oblivious to most of the noise he makes that its hard to make him aware of them.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
People always act like I'm weird for wanting my space, and for wanting my quiet. I've always felt like noisy people who like to be crowded like a litter of puppies were weird, yk?
Growing up it felt like I was an introvert living in an extrovert's world. It sucked. For so long it seemed like people were frustrated with me because I wasn't super loud and in their faces.
post #56 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by bjorker View Post
And I'm extremely sensitive to my environment in a number of ways. I soak up everything. Every place I go has a "feeling" or a "mood" to it.
I can soak up everything too. I used to soak up absolutely everything but have learned to create protection for myself as well as grounding my expectations in reality.

I can so relate to places having feelings. Every time I drive through a certain area of town I want to cry missing one of my best friends who moved away. Places and emotions are very connected for me, they always have been.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bjorker View Post
When someone's hurting, upset, in pain, etc... it just takes me over.
Feelings like this used to take over me as well. I had to learn, with the help of my counsellor, to distance myself from things that were happening to protect myself from always being on the edge. It took time but it works for me now. Also I have to remind myself that others are able to help themselves.
post #57 of 88
:
post #58 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I find smaller houses noiser, also. I grew up in the midwest where houses are larger and yards are as well. Here, everything is so close together that if someone has something on in one room you can hear it all over the house. There's no upstairs or basement to put any distance between you. I always feel like everyone is right next to me invading my space.
I also grew up in the midwest. We recently moved from the southwest back to the midwest. I was so excited to finally have a basement for the kids! I set it up totally as a playroom area for them.......and now they won't go down there willingly! : Seems like they have become accustomed to always being under my feet and in my space 100% of the time. (As I'm even typing this, dd is hanging on my elbow.....<sigh.> She is my worst offender!) We've even made a rule that toys are to stay in the basement or in their rooms......and it just doesn't matter! They will create fantasy play with no props in our living room.


My mom is highly sensitive, so she always got that I needed space, and innately, I understood her need for it, too. DH still doesn't get it, so on the weekends, I often go to our bedroom to take a nap. Sometimes I don't even sleep but just lay on the bed soaking up the quiet for an hour.
post #59 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraLoo View Post
I was so excited to finally have a basement for the kids! I set it up totally as a playroom area for them.......and now they won't go down there willingly! : Seems like they have become accustomed to always being under my feet and in my space 100% of the time.
Your kids are still quite little. It's perfectly normal for 3yos to hang off of Mommy all day long- and age 6 is a time when some kids are just starting to get more independent and want to run off and play by themselves. Some kids do that when they're 4 or 5, and others don't feel ready for that until age 7 or so.


Ugh, I had a stressful morning. DS had a birthday party at a laser-tag place, and it wasn't until I got there that I realized it was an arcade as well. We were a few minutes early and I took DS to the "parents waiting area" where it was a little bit quieter with less stimulation, and we stayed there about 10 minutes until the Birthday Family arrived.

Then I did some nice quiet, calm, child-free shopping during the party (not buying anything perishable of course, but stocking up on various canned and dry goods) and then I went to pick him up about 5 minutes before the party was scheduled to end. It was another 10 minutes before the cake was eaten and I could take him home. I managed to go to the quiet, boring ladies room (or should I say the "Babe's" room, which was next to the "Dude's" room) but I still couldn't avoid the noise and flashing lights completely.

I think the 20 minutes in that place wiped me out more than the 1.5 hours I spent driving around and shopping in an unfamiliar area.

Then I came home to the TV blaring and a huge mess on the kitchen table. I made the kids turn off the TV and clean up the kitchen (well, most of it, I did the rest myself) and sent DD1 and her guest to go work on homework quietly (which is the whole reason the guest is even here- so she can get help catching up on homework after having missed 2 weeks of school.)

I ended up yelling at the kids during the noise and mess, then apologizing after things got calmer.
post #60 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
Your kids are still quite little. It's perfectly normal for 3yos to hang off of Mommy all day long- and age 6 is a time when some kids are just starting to get more independent and want to run off and play by themselves. Some kids do that when they're 4 or 5, and others don't feel ready for that until age 7 or so.


Ugh, I had a stressful morning. DS had a birthday party at a laser-tag place, and it wasn't until I got there that I realized it was an arcade as well. We were a few minutes early and I took DS to the "parents waiting area" where it was a little bit quieter with less stimulation, and we stayed there about 10 minutes until the Birthday Family arrived.

Then I did some nice quiet, calm, child-free shopping during the party (not buying anything perishable of course, but stocking up on various canned and dry goods) and then I went to pick him up about 5 minutes before the party was scheduled to end. It was another 10 minutes before the cake was eaten and I could take him home. I managed to go to the quiet, boring ladies room (or should I say the "Babe's" room, which was next to the "Dude's" room) but I still couldn't avoid the noise and flashing lights completely.

I think the 20 minutes in that place wiped me out more than the 1.5 hours I spent driving around and shopping in an unfamiliar area.

Then I came home to the TV blaring and a huge mess on the kitchen table. I made the kids turn off the TV and clean up the kitchen (well, most of it, I did the rest myself) and sent DD1 and her guest to go work on homework quietly (which is the whole reason the guest is even here- so she can get help catching up on homework after having missed 2 weeks of school.)

I ended up yelling at the kids during the noise and mess, then apologizing after things got calmer.
__________________

We set up the basement for our DS as well (but he is a teenager) .. however... I also use it for "my space" to get away from any noise and just to sit and be quiet.

On another note:
I find I am okay in a mall etc where I am not expected to be "on" .. but in a social setting I always find it terribly stressful ... If we have company over I usually will find time while my DH is chatting with everyone to go and have to a 10 or 15 minute quiet time in my room. I just feel so overwhelmed. .. and even more stressful if we are at someone elses home because I can't really get a break... Sometimes I will make up an excuse to go to my car and just sit there for a few minutes.... Am I crazy??
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Personal Growth
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Personal Growth › Coping for the Highly Sensitive Parent