getting older, worry about losing connection to clients

[Defenestrator]

Hey --

This may seem silly, but I have been going through a little bit of a crisis right now around choosing not to have any more kids.

If it were 100% up to me, I would have at least one more baby, even though things aren't entirely ideal right now for that -- money issues, housing issues, etc. But my dh is 100% done and he is almost 10 years older than me, so I think that he is ready to move on away from parenting babies and enjoy the kids as they get older.

I am pretty ok with all of this, but one thing that gives me a little twinge of grief is moving out of the life phase that my clients are in -- I have felt that it really helped me to empathize with them being a fellow parent to babies and toddlers. Even though they are a pretty diverse bunch -- middle class, poor, from 17 to 45, we always had that in common.

Now my youngest is almost 4 and it won't be long before my boys are much older than the majority of the kids of the families that I work with -- and a lot of the things that we shared as a common culture, like babywearing and cloth diapers, aren't part of my life anymore.

A huge part of my identity as a midwife is wrapped up in this kind of sisterhood -- a kind of "we're all in this together" I think I need help finding a new way to imagine my role.

Any sympathizers?

[MsBlack]

Was there....and now I'm 50, with a renewed practice after a long break. My baby is 10!

Believe me, the changes are good...way better than I expected really. People, for one thing, are glad to know that they are not taking me away from any babies/toddlers of my own, to be with them. They're glad that my babies/toddlers will not be taking me away from them, either! In other words they see that I'm more available than when I had youngest of youngsters on hand. And they see me as someone who is more experienced than they are--I've been through the stage they are in now, I lived and grew and learned through it and now have more to share than I did when I was in the same stage as they are now.

I still have a sisterhood with my moms--but now I'm more of an elder sister. I can relate to what they're going through, because I've done it too, I can speak of it truly and humorously and empathically with them from my experience. They know I 'get it', even if I"m not in that same place right now--not like you forget birth, babies, breastfeeding, just because you're not doing them anymore.

And really, I think it's better this way. Or maybe I've just learned to appreciate the unique wonders of being this age in this work (I started very young, early in my own childbearing) as they differ from the wonders of being younger. But there is definitely something about being seasoned and experienced as a *person*, having survived many things in life to get to here---the families seem to really respect that, even though we have relaxed peer-to-peer kind of relationships in general.

In other words, I think they're glad I'm older now, for various reasons. I know I am.

[JamieCatheryn]

I wouldn't want a midwife my age, it's easier to trust and respect someone with more experience (who also shows herself worthy of it), not that I couldn't respect someone young, it's just easier.

[Doula Dani]

I am 24 in May and I certainly do not think you are too old. It's funny you brought this up, because I have thought that as a doula I am probably suited for people in their 20s only. (Which knocks me out of the 30's and 40's and women are having children later in age all the time!!!)

My midwife (I am currently pregnant) is in her mid 40s I'm assuming. Maybe even late 40's. And I love her and think she's amazingly awesome. Not to mention I met this other women who had to be in her 60s not that long ago, who had closed her midwifery practice recently. I remember thinking- what a bummer, she seems like an awesome midwife.

So no, I don't think you're anywhere near too old, if there is such a thing.

[doctorjen]

This is an issue for me, as well. I have really enjoyed being age-peers with my clients, and now that my last baby is nearing 5 and most of my clients are younger than me, things are changing. I'll never share a pregnancy with another client, or commiserate over the all-night nursing anymore, or share potty learning war tales in real time.
I do think that my younger clients are now viewing me a little differently and it's a bit weird to be the older, experienced person. One thing I've found really helpful though, is that my pregnant mamas and mamas of babies and toddlers do find some hope in hearing me say that those newborn days do pass - that there is light at the end of the nurse all night tunnel, that you can still love and cherish your children when they are taller than you!
I've always really valued having a personal connection with my clients, and I'm finding that it's not dependent on being in the same life phase. What does matter is that you are always genuine, and always recognize that the other person's experience is their experience. So even though I've lived through all those early days, I have to remember that when you are going through them yourself they seem endless! Just like I try hard to remember how intensely I loved my first crush when living through it with my own kids. So you just keep reaching out in genuine concern for your clients, and your age and place in life won't matter so much.

[momileigh]

I would not worry about it. I think you'll find the change is for the better. Most women love their midwife/doula to be more of a "been there/done that" kind of person for them to look up to and learn from, rather than a "am there/doing that" commiseration experience. The Wise Older Woman who is there to guide the younger women is a need often unfilled in our society. You may or may not be actually older, but by having passed the baby time in your own life, you are moving into that role. It is a good role.

I'm only in my late 20s, but most of the women I've worked with were first-timers a little younger than me. I felt I had more "clout" (by which I mean the trust they gave me and what I said) than my classmates who were single/childless. (Regardless of their age.) The midwives with the most clout, though, were the grandmothers. Everybody listened when they spoke. (Even if what they said wasn't exactly what I would call wise in every case...)

What I'm trying to say is that this is a change that can be and ought to be embraced. You may mourn your own growing older and moving on, but your clients won't suffer for it... they will certainly embrace your new role.

[AlpineMama]

Originally Posted by momileigh

Most women love their midwife/doula to be more of a "been there/done that" kind of person for them to look up to and learn from, rather than a "am there/doing that" commiseration experience. The Wise Older Woman who is there to guide the younger women is a need often unfilled in our society. You may or may not be actually older, but by having passed the baby time in your own life, you are moving into that role. It is a good role.

ITA.

[truelife]

As a former apprentice midwife, and current LD and CBE, there is so much to learn from the women who have walked through and had to balance the struggles, joys, and adventures as a midwife/doula, wife/partner, and Mom. I greatly look up to my midwife, and really trust her because of the knowledge, wisdom, and insight she is able to provide because of her age. She also is very nurturing, and while I'm in labor it is so soothing to have someone comforting me in such a motherly way.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I will probably start attending births again someday (more likely as an apprentice midwife than a doula, because I hate hospitals so much), and it will be when I'm through with this phase of life. I'm already through having babies, but I don't want to start attending births til my girls are old enough that, if I have to leave at 2 am and my DH has to work at 5 am, we can leave a note "Girls-mom's at a birth-will touch base around 9" or something I definitely think that women feel comfortable with maternal-type midwives, probably many women even more so than they would with a midwife in the same stage of life that they're in.

[HappyMommy2]

I'm not a birth prof ... I am a homebirther. My friend recommended a more "motherly" mw ... rather than a peer. And I agree. It was nice having an older experienced woman as my mw. (like a mommy to ME) :-)
Hope that helps!

[jakesask]

My midwife is 48 and her youngest child is 15. And she's a FABULOUS midwife and I wouldn't change a thing about her. So I don't think you have to worry.

I liked having a midwife who was closer to my mother's age (52) than my age (28). I think it's nice that her oldest kids are a bit closer to my age too -- it makes me feel like she has some understanding of where I'm coming from. As the previous poster also said, I appreciated having a motherly midwife.

[jeninejessica]

Just wanted to chime in. I think that with OB's people seem to look at it differently, as they don't seem to keep as up to date with practices as midwives do. You are likely learning and revising your policies and procedures as evidence and research changes- to me anyways- this is the only part that makes me worried about having an 'older' attendant. As long as your practices are still relevant- YOU are still relevent.

The doula that taught my DONA cert course was older (had grandchildren), but she was such an amazing woman, as soon as we started talking I felt the love, and support, and wisdom she had. It was like she wrapped the whole room in it. I would have her at my birth any day.

I think as long as you don't lose your passion- you haven't lost anything. You are valuable to these women.

[linaee]

Originally Posted by jeninejessica

Just wanted to chime in. I think that with OB's people seem to look at it differently, as they don't seem to keep as up to date with practices as midwives do. You are likely learning and revising your policies and procedures as evidence and research changes- to me anyways- this is the only part that makes me worried about having an 'older' attendant. As long as your practices are still relevant- YOU are still relevent.

The doula that taught my DONA cert course was older (had grandchildren), but she was such an amazing woman, as soon as we started talking I felt the love, and support, and wisdom she had. It was like she wrapped the whole room in it. I would have her at my birth any day.

I think as long as you don't lose your passion- you haven't lost anything. You are valuable to these women.

I agree, I agree, I agree. My midwives are older than me and I lost my mother when I was 6. It is almost like my midwives became my surrogate mothers, in a way. I look up to them and admire them in so many ways...and now I strive to help them maintain the atmosphere and work that they have created.

Have you ever read the "Secret Life of Bees"? Honestly, I feel like the girl in that sometimes...like I found my home at the birth center.

The older you get, the wiser you get...and you can share all of that with your moms. That is a gift beyond anything else. As long as you listen and compassionate, you will not lose that connection. It will just have slightly different dynamics.

Best to you during this period of transition.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

Was there....and now I'm 50, with a renewed practice after a long break. My baby is 10!

Believe me, the changes are good...way better than I expected really. People, for one thing, are glad to know that they are not taking me away from any babies/toddlers of my own, to be with them. They're glad that my babies/toddlers will not be taking me away from them, either! In other words they see that I'm more available than when I had youngest of youngsters on hand. And they see me as someone who is more experienced than they are--I've been through the stage they are in now, I lived and grew and learned through it and now have more to share than I did when I was in the same stage as they are now.

I still have a sisterhood with my moms--but now I'm more of an elder sister. I can relate to what they're going through, because I've done it too, I can speak of it truly and humorously and empathically with them from my experience. They know I 'get it', even if I"m not in that same place right now--not like you forget birth, babies, breastfeeding, just because you're not doing them anymore.

And really, I think it's better this way. Or maybe I've just learned to appreciate the unique wonders of being this age in this work (I started very young, early in my own childbearing) as they differ from the wonders of being younger. But there is definitely something about being seasoned and experienced as a *person*, having survived many things in life to get to here---the families seem to really respect that, even though we have relaxed peer-to-peer kind of relationships in general.

In other words, I think they're glad I'm older now, for various reasons. I know I am.

: My baby just turned 18 and now, being a serious apprentice, I am glad I don't have any children at home. It makes life so much easier! I can think straight, and my focus is on the clients, not what needs to be done at home. I am enjoying this part of life!

[wendy1221]

My last midwife was close to my age and had similarly aged kids to mine. I really liked her a lot. She is not currently practicing and I am seeing her old partner. My current midwife has kids my age (although she also has 12 year old twins.) I feel just as comfortable w/ her as I did my previous midwife. It's realy comforting to know that she has had SO much experience.

My sister's midwife is also middle-aged w/ kids our age, and she felt comfortbale with her. If anything, I think women will be MORE comfortable w/ an older midwife, knowing she's had a lot more experience than a younger one, and therefore more equipped to handle anything that comes up.

[Charmie981]

There's a chapter in The Lactation Consultant In Private Practice about this exact thing, albeit from a LCs point of view. It was a reassuring read for me, because though I'm not at that point yet, it is something I think about often because I LIKE being a younger midwife.

[deuxceleste]

I can't sympathize, but I can tell ya that I'm 27 and would hire an over-35 doula or midwife in a HEARTBEAT! I'm sure there are some things that you'll have to change about your presentation (my baby is only ten months old, so I tend to talk in present-tense)

Regardless, I'm sure you rock!

[Defenestrator]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

People, for one thing, are glad to know that they are not taking me away from any babies/toddlers of my own, to be with them. They're glad that my babies/toddlers will not be taking me away from them, either! In other words they see that I'm more available than when I had youngest of youngsters on hand. And they see me as someone who is more experienced than they are--I've been through the stage they are in now, I lived and grew and learned through it and now have more to share than I did when I was in the same stage as they are now.

I still have a sisterhood with my moms--but now I'm more of an elder sister. I can relate to what they're going through, because I've done it too, I can speak of it truly and humorously and empathically with them from my experience. They know I 'get it', even if I"m not in that same place right now--not like you forget birth, babies, breastfeeding, just because you're not doing them anymore.

And really, I think it's better this way. Or maybe I've just learned to appreciate the unique wonders of being this age in this work (I started very young, early in my own childbearing) as they differ from the wonders of being younger. But there is definitely something about being seasoned and experienced as a *person*, having survived many things in life to get to here---the families seem to really respect that, even though we have relaxed peer-to-peer kind of relationships in general.

I've been reading all the responses again and again as new ones come up, but it is this one that really seems to get at the core of where I hope to come out at the other side of this transition.

I also understand that occasionally, people feel sensitive about the impact that my work has on my young kids. I was at a birth last week, assisting another midwife, where there was a maternal transport and I was at the home, taking care of the newborn for hours and hours while things resolved themselves at the hospital. At one point my husband called and put my 3-year-old on and one of the family's elderly relatives listened to my end of the conversation and just burst into tears. I think that with all of the stress of the day and the scary things that went on that it just hadn't occured to her that I existed outside of the role I was playing right at that moment.

I'm not really worried about not getting clients -- I feel like I present myself pretty well in interviews and if I'm a good match for the family it will all work out. If a family is not going to hire me, it is usually evident before I walk back out of the door. It is more a feeling of community, of being in the same tribe. But I can adjust, I'm sure I can. This job is one of constant growth, whether I like it or not

[MsBlack]

Well, gosh, I'm honored

But I will correct you on one thing....

It is not just this job that is one of constant growth, it is this Life.

Or at least, 'those not busy being born are busy dying' (er, Bob Dylan?)

You'll do great. And remember....Real Tribes contain people at all ages and stages, and each has their valued place.