What to do when your dc doesn't like dinner? - Page 2

[lilgreen]

Originally Posted by natensarah

I'm sorry you feel like that. What does dh say when you talk to him about it?

I went through a very long and painful stage where I felt my dh was going to screw up my kids permanently. It was from when dd was about 2-3, and I'd been doing a lot of reading on here and in parenting books. I got obsessed with every little interaction between dh and the kids, and scrutinized every thing he did or said. I tried to be so diplomatic about it, but irregardless, it drove him nutty. I think the real issue was that I was depressed and feeling insecure about my own worth/place in our family and marriage (adjusting to not being a wage-earner), and I was projecting this all onto their relationships. Anyway, long story short, I am now of the mindset that how dh phrases something is going to have very little effect on the kids' happiness and mental health and even their relationships. If something big comes up, I'll bring it up to dh, but I also am trying to be much, much more open to his suggestions, even if I think his rules are pointless and wouldn't choose to enforce them.

Anyway, not saying you're having this issue, but I do think that spending too much time on the GD board can sometimes distort the relevance/importance/weight of discipline issues.

Thanks for this... I think this is really good for me to hear, too.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by chfriend

lilgreen, do you have a sense of where your husband is coming from in his choices about how to treat food? Is it possible for you to explain to him that you are not comfortable with this way of going about it and would like to change it?

Are there sources or authorities (besides you, of course) that he would respect?

It does sound like your son needs to eat what he likes, and to not be pressured, threatened or forced to eat what he does not like. I imagine your husband has real concerns that drive his approach to discipline around the issue of food, and I would think that the place to start is by talking with him and actively listening to those concerns. Is he worried your son isn't eating enough? And also worried that by allowing your son to eat something different you'd be setting up undesirable eating habits down the road? Are there ways you can allay any fears he may have, or address his concerns with information? Can you approach this not as an "I'm right and you're wrong" thing, and more as a "we're learning together, here's what I read and what I think, what do you think? What do you say we try this and see what happens?" kind of thing?

Is there a way you can approach the food issue that addresses your concerns, and your husband's, and your son's? Some creative solution?

Originally Posted by lilgreen

I feel so often like h is screwing up our kids. How do you come to terms with that feeling?

I've felt this way in the past. For me, it helps to remember that there isn't one single, correct way of parenting. And more importantly, it helps to remember that my partner is human, and he's doing what he does out of genuine concern for his children and he's doing the best he can at the moment. Just like me. We're both bound to make mistakes, and kids are resilient. There hasn't been a kid born yet who had perfect parents.

Originally Posted by natensarah

Anyway, not saying you're having this issue, but I do think that spending too much time on the GD board can sometimes distort the relevance/importance/weight of discipline issues.

[limabean]

For us, I don't cook 2 separate meals -- I try to choose meals that are family-friendly, but occasionally there'll be a main course that I'm pretty certain DS will only eat 1 or 2 bites of, and on those nights I'll give him an extra side dish (something like apple sauce or cheese cubes) to make up the caloric difference.

If he at least tries everything on his plate and truly doesn't like anything (which is very rare), he's welcome to have a bowl of cereal instead -- I chose cereal for his alternate-dinner option because it's something he likes enough that he'll eat a good amount of it if he's truly hungry, but it's not something that he loves enough to choose it over dinner every night.

[marzanmama]

I think for us what works is plain old compromise. I accept (albeit reluctantly!) that my almost 4yo is one of those kids who likes his food plain.

And he accepts that on occasion, in exchange for not having to eat mommy's yummy casserole he has to have a few bites of plain steamed broccoli and plain rice noodles (or whatever) instead.

[CherryBomb]

I ask my 6 year old to eat some of everything. Most of the time she finds she likes it even if it looked like she wouldn't. I do tell her that while it's okay if she doesn't care for something, it's not okay to be all "OMG EWWWW YUCK GROSS" because it hurts my feelings. If she doesn't want to eat after eating a few bites, then she's welcome to have some carrots or an apple, but I don't make multiple meals.

[chfriend]

Possible solution: Is your child interested in learning to cook. My 7 year old started a homeschool cooking club. She and her 3 year old sister made tortillas for dinner tonight and are grating cheese near me right now to put on top of them. .....

Maybe your husband and child could cook together? Might be a way for them to come together on food?

[Magella]

I like chfriend's idea of having your child cook, or help cook.

Also, what about involving your child in meal planning? That can help ensure that there's always something he likes.

And I think Maya has posted before about Ellyn Satter's (spelling?) books about helping kids eat. IIRC, she had some great ideas about fixing meals that included at least one nutritious thing each person likes. Also, one of her books (I read one, but can't remember which) talked about the importance of not forcing food. Might be a good resource for you. I think one is called something like "How to Get Your Child to Eat, But Not Too Much." And maybe one is called "Child of Mine"?

[warriorprincess]

I try to make some things that everyone will like. We do carrot and celery sticks every night so I know the kids will eat something.
Being rude is another matter. They can be polite and say no thank you. If they're rude, the older two get to do dishes that night. The youngest eats anything so that hasn't been a problem with him.

[simplehome]

Originally Posted by mytwogirls

Here is the rule at our house: You eat what is put on the table, as much or as little as you want. I do not cook anything special; this is not a restaurant. If you don't like it, then get down from the table and go without. That has been the rule from day one. It was the rule when I was little. I do make exceptions when they are sick (duh!) but I don't cook two different meals. I cook things I know EVERYONE will like and 99 percent of the time it works. My oldest is 22 months and she has never starved. There have been nights when she ate just a bite or nothing at all, but she knows she won't get anything else. Your kids will eat if they are hungry enough. Hope I don't like a bi*ch about it, but that is one of my pet peeves at our house. Good luck mama!

Yes, but what can be done when a child makes the choice not to eat dinner, but then is so hungry that they won't sleep? Dinner is right before bedtime at our house, so a bedtime snack isn't really reasonable. All allowing someone to not eat anything at the dinnertable does for us is ensure a crappy night of sleep for all.

I don't think the "8 more bites" thing is very healthy in the long run, but we also do what some previous posters have said---have at least one thing that kiddo loves, but he gets one serving of everything, then can have seconds when a reasonable effort has been made at the meal. The other night this meant olive bread---he could have a second piece of bread once he worked on his chicken, green beans and quinoa for a while. He truly didn't like the quinoa so we let it drop, but were pleasantly surprised when he actually took seconds of the green beans on his own, before he even got more bread.

[monkey's mom]

It always bums me out to hear the "they won't starve" talk here. No, they probably won't, but "not starving" my kids isn't much of a goal. I want to *nourish* them--physically, mentally, emotionally. Nice meals together are a wonderful way to do that. Punishing kids with food seems like a really bad idea to foster an attached relationship.

My parents used to take away my chair and make me stand to endlessly chew on meat that made me want to wretch. What a surprise that I have food issues. And so do many Americans--it's not because we've been a culture raised on freedom and choice surrounding food.

I read someone here compare it to morning sickness, and that made a light bulb go off for me. Trying to eat something that is making you feel sick is bad enough. Knowing that you're going to be in trouble for not choking it down is worse. Going to bed hungry when you know your parents could have prevented that is a shitty, shitty feeling.

La Leche League has a book by a Dr. Garcia that talks about how kids are generally going to eat as much as they need to. And that giving them grief or pressuring them or punishing them is not going to result in them eating any more food. It's just going to mess things up. So you ought to just trust them to eat what they need and not mess things up.

:

Oh, and regarding husbands/partners....I'm finding that my kids have their own relationship with my husband. They tend to treat him just as he treats them.

[MtBikeLover]

I cook one meal (well, sometimes two because my H is more pickier than the kids and I will cook him something different if he doesn't like what I have made for me and the kids). I involve the kids in meal planning and they usually eat whatever gets cooked. Sometimes they take two bites, sometimes they eat a lot. I have been guilty of asking them to take a few more bites (like when we are going out and I know it will be awhile until they eat again) but I try not to do that.

If they don't like what we are having for dinner, they are free to get some snacks out of the fridge or make themselves something else like a sandwich or a bowl of cereal.

I never make them taste something that they have never had before. I've always asked them "Would you like to taste this?" If they say no, I respect their choice.

And my kids usually get a snack before bed which consists of yogurt, cheese, crackers, or a fruit. So if they didn't eat much for dinner, at least they don't go to bed hungry.

[ann_of_loxley]

I think the first thing to do is to start from a very young age (at weaning) with a healthy diet. I am just adding this - though I am sure most MDC mums provide great well balanced nutritional meals in their homes! lol But I am also adding this because if my son doesnt want what I give him...but would just as happily eat a biscuit or crisps instead...then thats a no go. I am fine with my son having foods like these as long as we eat healthy first. This hasnt been an issue until recently (new found independence etc) so I will simply tell him that 'we eat our healthy foods first'. He is fine with that. Though I have been very lucky to have a son who doesnt have eating issues. We just do love our food in this house though! lol

The second thing is...I will never say 'Eat this or...'...we dont punish in our house and that sounds like a punishment. I also dont want to create eating issues. How many of us eat when we are depressed or dont feel like eating when we are sad? I dont think thats normal - and looking back through my childhood (being sent to bed without any food, etc) I can see why I feel the way I do towards food in regard to how I am feeling. I do not want that for my son. I dont want to cause him to overeat 'eat 5 more and then you can...' or under eat 'go to bed without anything to eat then!', etc) Food is enjoyable yes...but its basic purpose is to fuel our bodies!

I think it helps that our son doesnt normally eat with us. This is because he goes to bed much earlier than us, DH gets home late and we ourselves dont feel like eating when our son has his evening meal. So - I can make what he likes. Hes only two so I cant ask him, but I know what he has eaten before...which is how I know he likes it! lol

If he doesnt finish it all. Thats fine. If he doesnt want it at all. Thats fine too. Thats usualy where it ends.

I dont let him starve though. But its also not realistic for me to go back in the kitchen to keep making him foods until he is satisfied with what he is given. It sounds cruel - but I guess its how you view this sentence but in our house its 'you eat what you are given, or nothing at all'. But that doesnt mean you then starve or are punished for not eating or that eating is set to a limit. As soon as we get down from the table I put out some fresh fruit. If he has not eaten what he was given there is usually a reason behind that.

So thirdly, I think its reasonable to be reasonable...lol

1). My son snacks all day long - he doesnt usually do one big meal. So I do provide healthy snacks for him all day long. He may not have wanted to eat the meal I made him but if I add up his snacks, thats plenty enough usually! lol...I have friends who limit what their children eat. I dont. Its my sons body. So if he doesnt want what he is given - he is telling me he is not hungry. (if he doesnt wnat what he is given but wants the crisps instead - then hes telling me he is being fussy and I will remind him we eat healthy first and as I said this usually is enough for him...he eats what he is given or some of it...and then he can have the crisps by all means! lol) I will save it for him for later - put it on a table he can help himself to later. He usually does about and hour later. If he doesnt I assume perhaps he is unwell...and this for us is a sure sign!

2). Growth spurts, etc... Some days as pp have said above...my son will go without eating much at all - and then eat the whole house a week later like I dont feed him! lol

If your son doenst want to eat, I would leave it at that. Its his body. If this is a normal thing...look at what else he is eating. Perhaps he has plenty to eat during the day? Come evening my sons meal is very very small compared to the rest and all the snacks he has had inbetween - so I wouldnt expect him to be really hungry then anyhow. And if you are worried about his diet, just provide lots of healthy snacks!

[mytwogirls]

Sorry Monkey' Mom you don't agree with me on this. My kid has NEVER been so hungry she won't sleep. She eats 99 percent of the time. The one percent of the time she doesn't eat is because she is not feeling well (I don't know about you, but I don't always eat when I am not feeling well) or she is just upset she has to stop playing to eat. We are teaching her it is time to stop and eat dinner. She has never been a picky eater from day one so I have not really had to worry about most of those issues. Our dinner time is not right before bed, and yes I do give her some milk and/or a snack before bedtime if she wants it. I am not going to punish my kid for not eating either. I simply tell her she can get down from the table and go. Nor am I going to bend to her every whim just because she wants PPJ and not what we are having. Our meals are meals I KNOW she likes. I was made to finish my meals too as a child and I remember it well, trust me. Not pleasant, not to mention my mother sucked as a cook. Just my way of thinking I guess....

[A&A]

I don't force food. I don't make him eat what he doesn't like. I feed him when he's hungry and not when he's not. Simple.

[monkey's mom]

I just don't get how taking, what? 2 minutes? less? to throw together a sandwich or put on some water for pasta is "bending to every whim."

To me, modelling flexibility and generosity are more important. Meeting my child's hunger cues are more important than teaching lessons about what I will or will not do.

And 99% of the time my kids are eating what's served, as well. (FWIW, I mostly do have to make them separate meals b/c of severe food allergies. Making one meal for all of is a luxury).

So for those rare times when they're just not feeling the dinner I've made them, I can't see not offering up something else. I'm not going to start roasting a duck or pull out the food processor, but some pasta or microwaving some chicken nuggets just doesn't seem like that big a sacrifice so my kids can feel nourished. It's an act of service given out of love, for me, in many ways. I just can not imagine telling them, "No, sorry, guys. That's it. Take it or leave it." Their mouths would hang open in disbelief and I know it would hurt their feelings. Just like it would hurt mine if someone I loved and relied on to feed me did it to me.

[ruhbehka]

We try to have more than just one thing available to eat for dinner (like a casserole and a dish of veggies and some fruit), and DS can eat what he likes. I usually give him a bit of everything to try, and then let him indicate what he wants more of. He's 17 mos, so some days he'll eat anything and others he just picks through dinner and asks to leave a minute or two later. Both are fine.

We always have a healthy snack a few hours after dinner, so if DS asks to eat again shortly after dinner, I will offer him some of whatever we had for dinner. If it's been a while, I might fix our snack early.

I try to offer healthy foods 99% of the time, so that it's no big deal if he doesn't want to eat a particular meal or snack. The next food will be something different and also healthy. We try not to keep junk food in the house except once or twice a month, and even that I don't really restrain him from eating lots of, though I might say, "Would you like an orange, instead?" if he is asking for more and has had a lot. If he declines, we'll have cake. No big deal. It won't be in the house again for a while anyway.

[mytwogirls]

No, it doesn't take me very long to make a sandwich but the point I am trying to make here is SHE needs to learn mommy and daddy decide what is for dinner, not her. I just see it as special treatment that doesn't need to happen. Why should she have something different? We eat as a family, not having separate meals. It is the way I grew up I guess. We all sat around the table and ATE THE SAME THING. Like I said above, she does get a snack before bedtime if she wants one, most of the time she doesn't because she eats her dinner. It is just a matter of how I raise my child is different than others...no big deal, just how it is done at my house.

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by mytwogirls

the point I am trying to make here is SHE needs to learn mommy and daddy decide what is for dinner, not her.

Not being a pain in the neck really, but I don't understand this part. Why does she need to learn that she doesn't decide what is for dinner?

[mytwogirls]

Simple: We are the adults in the family. I see it as I choose what is best for my children and yes they have a voice in the house and if were up to her what we ate every night it would be spaghetti and bread. No, I am not being mean and not listening to my children, but they are 22 months and six months so I make the ground rules of the house and they will follow. In my opinion I think there should be ground rules and structure so children know what is expected and not expected of them. Yes, as they get older and mature, I am sure they will have more of an input on dinner (and hopefully help prepare it). I guess this thread is getting blown out of water for me and most of everyone is not seeing my point of view. I hope this clears it up...a little.

[mommy_e]

Originally Posted by simplehome

Yes, but what can be done when a child makes the choice not to eat dinner, but then is so hungry that they won't sleep? Dinner is right before bedtime at our house, so a bedtime snack isn't really reasonable. All allowing someone to not eat anything at the dinnertable does for us is ensure a crappy night of sleep for all.

This is my big quandry. If I only make meals that "everyone likes" then we would only eat mac & cheese or pizza. My oldest isn't super picky, but his likes don't overlap the other kids' likes. DH and I are tired of bland kidfare and really none of it is good for our health. I can't make six different things every night so that everyone has something they like when I barely get a main dish, side and vege on the table on a good night. If I make something that DH and I like, then the kids usually won't eat it even if it is kid-friendly. Then there is the magical transformation of something that was devoured with extra helpings just one week ago into something "icky".

So, do I dictate a menu and refuse to make separate stuff for the kids? I feel like they get to eat anything they want for breakfast and lunch (within reason), so they can eat what I fix for dinner. After wrangling kids all day, I'm tired and hungry too and just want to eat my dinner while it is warm (not even hot!). I want to be able to sit at the table, not get up and fix sandwiches or cereal or whatever else. It also tends to be contagious - one turns his nose up and gets a sandwich so now the next one, who was happily eating before, wants a sandwich too.

But if I don't make them something to eat, then we get into this bedtime issue (our dinner is right before bed too). They are hungry and tired. which leads to tantrums, whining, fussing and then waking up in the night. The best of all is DC2's tendancy to vomit in the morning when he doesn't eat dinner.

I am just so sick of mealtimes.