Birth Trama and birthdays

[MayBaby2007]

I didn't know where else to put this.

My DD is almost 8 months. Time flies so fast. Her 1st Bday will be here before I know it. I still have nightmares--when I finally get to sleep while lying in the darkness reflecting on her birth. I still have about 15 flashbacks throughout the day. I have triggers that send me. Thinking about her birth day--the worst day of my life--is something I don't think I can handle.

To date, I feel like taking off work June 7th (the day I got the awful news of "needing" CS) and June 8th...the day of my birth rape. To date, I want to send my DD to my gramma's for those 2 days and hide in my house--drinking and popping pills to cope with the anniversary. But, it's my DD's birthday. She's too young to understand...but still. I just don't think I'll be able to socially handle those 2 days...or even be a mother those 2 days. Even on my "trigger" days...I can't be a mother. June 7/8 will be horrible for me.

My gramma gives me 10 shades of grief over it. She tells me, "just get over it....". I was SCREAMING at her to STOP STOP STOP (as I'm shaking and the "flight response" is taking over) talking about my birth and to stop telling me to get over it. She doesn't get it. Not many people do. I tell her, "My DD's birthday will be like celebrating a gang rape. Do. you. get. that.????? That's what the freaking doctors did to me...." Again, she tells me to get over it. She constantly brings it up, all the while knowing it bothers me. The other night, we sat down in the living room with hot soup and a sandwhich. The TV was in the background and a "special" came on about STL mom's. They immediately started talking about pregnancy/PPD, etc. I flipped out and said "I can't watch this!" I jumped up so quick to grab the remote, I spilled the hot soup all over me and the floor. Did it stop me? No...I ran for the remote to change the channel (that's what started the "STOP STOP STOP" night).

I can't watch anything with babies/preggo's. I can't go to the doctor...still haven't been to the doctor since CS. (Yes, I'm in therapy) I can't even watch commercials for any kind of birth control or anything--I have to change the channel. The thought of DD's birthday depresses me. I love my baby and anyone can see that I do. I don't regret HER for one minute...but I just can't get past what happened to me. People tell me, "Maybe she would have died if the heroic (exagerating) doctors wouldn't have done a CS...." "Maybe this would have happened....maybe that would have happened." I don't care. What DID happen has screwed me up pretty bad. I'm glad my DD is here--healthy, safe, beautiful, perfect--but I just want to forget the day she was born. I just want to wipe my memory of that entire week--all the days leading up to the birth rape. I just want to forget

How do other mama's in a similar position to mine handle birthdays? Does it get easier? (I know it must sound awful for me not to want to see my DD on her birthday but trust me, it will be much better for her if I'm not around that day or the day before. It will be a very self destructive couple of days).

[danotoyou2]

Wow mama, those doctors really hurt you.

My DS1's birthday was a little hard for me, but by that point I was already pregnant with DS2, so that somehow made it easier... like I was already being given a second chance.

I'm not telling you to go get pregnant to cope with that though! LOL

It does get easier with time. I think that if you're having this much trauma over a birthday that she won't remember... well... maybe she doesn't need a birthday this year. Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays, and those children aren't scarred for life because of it (maybe other reasons, but that's another story).

I think that you and your daughter need to do something though. It doesn't need to be social. It should be YOU TWO, bonding like you weren't able to bond at her birth. One of the things that made my traumatic c/s easier in regards to my relationship with my son, was understanding that it was HIS trauma too. He was torn away from his mommy, and given to nurses, and screaming for me. That was his trauma. I had to recognize that in order to set my own feelings aside sometimes so that I could tend to him. And, it helped us bond. The team that went through a trauma together.

So... I'm blabbing. But, I think that you two doing something special for the day would be helpful for both of you.

And, you can always celebrate this birthday with family and friends later. Like in the summer.

[tireesix]

Nearly 4 years on and I still can't watch birthing programmes......

First of all, you need to face it straight on. It does get easier. DD1s first birthday was soooooooooooo hard but we made it, second birthday was hard, 3rd birthday I almost enjoyed.

Secondly, this wasn't your fault and it wasn't your daughters, whilst you won't ever forget you can't let it get in the way of your daughters birthday. If nothing else, use it as a celebration, yes it was difficult but we both made it through. We got here together.

Thirdly, be gentle with yourself, it takes time to heal. Ignore the ignorant folks around you (easier said than done), just don't mention it to them and if someone brings it, refuse to talk about it, find people who understand and heal with them.

On your daughters birthday, try and get through as best as possible and once she has gone to be you can grieve for what was lost, be angry for what was taken. If you want a couple of glasses of wine, have them.

It will get easier, I remember the feeling of panic as my DDs first birthday approached, of anger, of failure. It was so so hard. I seem to spend most of the time shaking and suffering flashbacks BUT we made it through the day, just like we did the day she was born and we did it together.

Take some time out over the next few weeks to think about things, she might be too young to notice birthday things but she is not too young to realisee something is up, so if you can prepare yourself emotionally as much as possible. Do something on her birthday which is enjoyable and fun so that you can connect good things with her birthdays.

I am so sorry something so bad happened to you, you have hugs coming your way!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could do more.

[mothercat]

support thread

My siggy is a link to a Birth and Beyond thread about Birth trauma and healing.
There are links to birth trauma web sites and healing/support sites such as postpartum support intl.

It sounds like you are probably already aware of the information, but wanted to give you the link.

Are you also on the ICAN list? This subject comes up frequently there and they would be a group of women who "get it".

Linda

[quarteralien]

I'm so sorry, mama. I'm going to PM you and get your email. I have a great file of a study done on subsequent birthdays and how women cope, and I'd like to send it to you. I also found this site and this site to be good reads. Huge mama.

[Mamabeakley]

First off, I'm so sorry you had to experience such trauma. I don't know what it's like.

But I do have a thought, from other traumatic experiences I do know from my own life. It might help to start making a list NOW of things you can do to take care of yourself, that make you feel safe, loved, and respected. Like, take a long hot shower, eat your favorite food, read a trashy novel, getting a massage or haircut, helping out a charity, whatever makes YOU feel good. Then maybe, when you start to feel self-destructive on your DDs birthday, you can choose something, anything, off that list and DO IT. And when you're done, pick another one. Make it a long list! If a lot of those things are things DD would not enjoy doing with you, you can ask friends or family if they would like some special time to celebrate her birthday - with her - not you!

Replacing bad memories with good ones CAN help with traumatic anniversaries, and that I do know from experience. It won't erase or get rid of what happened to you - and DD - but eventually the good memories can add up to more than the bad ones and tip a balance.

Blessings.