child wiped nose on my dress - Page 3

[tm2840]

Originally Posted by Nature

the woman wasn't really upset and seemed like she didn't care. I think I was more upset than she was.

Perhaps she wasn't upset because you handled the issue with integrity. Your child (not in a mean-spirited fashion) damaged someone's possession. You let the person know you felt badly about it and tried to make amends.

I'd have a very different response to someone who said, "Oh I'm so sorry!" than to someone who said nothing or "Well, if you use something around kids you're just asking for it to be damaged." The second is probably true (kids are pretty unpredictable). But the first would take the sting out of having an item soiled or ruined.

We work hard to honor our children's feelings even when we can't change a situation. In a perfect world my feelings (sadness, anger, regret and feeling stupid for having left a white suede coat unattended at a kid's event!) would be honored also.

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by Nature

wow.
harsh.
I'm glad the mama whose coat my dd ruined didn't have a reaction like that.

Exactly what is "harsh" about telling a 7 year old "You need to use a tissue"??? Or are you saying you think it's harsh to let her parents know she needs to use a tissue? As I see it, this is simply information that this child sorely needs. Perhaps it's information the parents need, as well. Personally, if my child did something this inappropriate, I'd want to know so that I could make sure my child understood they made a poor choice, and in the future they needed to make a choice that didn't impact others in such an offensive and unhealthy way. Really....the kid could have at least used her own sleeve, if nothing else.

xoe

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Xoe

Exactly what is "harsh" about telling a 7 year old "You need to use a tissue"??? Or are you saying you think it's harsh to let her parents know she needs to use a tissue? As I see it, this is simply information that this child sorely needs. Perhaps it's information the parents need, as well. Personally, if my child did something this inappropriate, I'd want to know so that I could make sure my child understood they made a poor choice, and in the future they needed to make a choice that didn't impact others in such an offensive and unhealthy way. Really....the kid could have at least used her own sleeve, if nothing else.

xoe

I don't think you need to bold everything. I wasn't yelling at you. I am too tired/lazy right now to go back and remember exactly what I was responding too.. but I believe it was probably something to do with the taking it up with the parent. Reading waaaaay too much into the situation. Assuming that the child doesn't know, and if they don't its your moral obligation to let the childs parents know exactly how they've failed as parents.

And of course I was also feeling a bit bristly because of my own situation. Knowing that my child does not understand that its wrong, no matter how many times I tell her or get embarrassed because of it. I can't stay in my home 24/7. Accidents do happen, and I try my best to apologize and help remedy it if I can. I even go through the motions of "disciplining" my daughter (talking, explaining, showing her the damage, reiterating again where we wipe our nose/mouth) even though I know I might as well be talking to the wall. I realize this makes the other person feel validated, so I do it anyway. Then I later feel guilty that I'm expecting too much from my daughter who has no clue when she's disappointed someone else.

Honestly, I am glad you were not the woman whose coat she wiped her mouth on. I was horribly embarrassed to begin with, and your reaction would have probably crushed me that day, and my feelings would have been hurt for my daughter.

I guess, special needs or not.. I wouldn't approach the situation the way you said you would. Its simply not that big of a deal to me. Certainly not an OMG! kinda deal. Nothing I'd have a sit down meeting with the parents over. I guess maybe if the parents didn't care at all, or said rude things like "Well don't leave your coat there then!" I could see being really upset. But, what if I hadn't seen my daughter wipe her mouth on the coat? Do you know how much a strong reaction would have confused her? She would have no idea what she even did wrong, or how to fix it. And likely when she did it a second time you'd be even more perplexed and angry. LOL

[chfriend]

Okay, so now I'm wondering...How many of the people who think it wasn't an accident and something should be said play freeze tag in the cold?

I swear this is like playing soccer and getting kicked, but people are clearly seeing it differently.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by tm2840

Perhaps she wasn't upset because you handled the issue with integrity. Your child (not in a mean-spirited fashion) damaged someone's possession. You let the person know you felt badly about it and tried to make amends.

I'd have a very different response to someone who said, "Oh I'm so sorry!" than to someone who said nothing or "Well, if you use something around kids you're just asking for it to be damaged." The second is probably true (kids are pretty unpredictable). But the first would take the sting out of having an item soiled or ruined.

We work hard to honor our children's feelings even when we can't change a situation. In a perfect world my feelings (sadness, anger, regret and feeling stupid for having left a white suede coat unattended at a kid's event!) would be honored also.

Oh for Heaven's sake. I would never say, "oh too bad dear." If my child soiled/ruined something. I would apologize profusely of course and feel horrible about it. My goodness.

And I would feel even worse that we do not have funds to replace the item. I don't know what I would do except feel horrible about it.

I was pointing out that offering to replace something isn't always feasible and wouldn't be for my family.

EX: Kailey was three and threw a tantrum in MIL's car. She kicked the door and the window came down. It wouldn't go back up. She kicked it as I was getting out of the car to get her out of the car. We didn't have money to replace the window. I felt horrible about the window. I apologize like crazy. I even spanked my daughter (even though we are a non-spanking family) because I felt so horrible about it and knew we could not replace the window.


2 months later we found out that it wasn't Kailey's kick that ruined the window. It was defect in the car. Her little kick wouldn't have caused the window to bust like it did.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Okay, so now I'm wondering...How many of the people who think it wasn't an accident and something should be said play freeze tag in the cold?

I swear this is like playing soccer and getting kicked, but people are clearly seeing it differently.

It is exactly like playing soccer and getting kicked. Heck I'm 37 and might wiped snot on a fellow taggers sleeve

[emma_goldman]

I might bring it up with the kid next time I see her: "remember when___?, well, I was wondering why you did that..."

Maybe she has some interesting reason?

[pigpokey]

Originally Posted by monkey's mom

I guess I didn't think the responses were snarky or non-GD.

I think authentic responses (within reason, obviously) and letting people know that you want them to stop a behavior immediately or not do it again are within GD.

My response to a 3 year old would probably be softer. But a 7 yr. old? I can't imagine needing to say anything other than, "Please don't do that." Barring special needs, they mostly know that kleenexes are for noses. Three year olds, not so much.

I agree. I wouldn't say it is snarky to say almost anything that is not a personal attack.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Nature

You might be right. I'm not sure. I don't own anything suede.

I have a suede coat that got a horrible smell from being in the basement. I've run it through the washer multiple times trying to get the smell out. The leather is fine but it still stinks.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

I have a suede coat that got a horrible smell from being in the basement. I've run it through the washer multiple times trying to get the smell out. The leather is fine but it still stinks.

Well I guess its good that it was candy cane mess instead of vomit then huh?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Okay, so now I'm wondering...How many of the people who think it wasn't an accident and something should be said play freeze tag in the cold?

I swear this is like playing soccer and getting kicked, but people are clearly seeing it differently.

I could see it happening accidentally--snot transfer on collision. In that situation, with the kids I know, I would cheerfully yell "Aack! You snotted me!" and we all would : Nothing much funnier than boogers, except maybe farts

But rubbing your nose on someone as you run by is different. I don't think it was an accident, but I also don't think it was a conscious decision. Maybe this child has a habit of wiping her runny nose on anything that is convenient--the sofa, the bed, the leg of mom's pants.... She probably didn't even realize she did it. I'd be pretty grossed out, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

[cheery]

Wow this is the longest thread I've ever started. Amazing ... and completely unexpected

I don't think it was an accident, but I also don't think it was a conscious decision. Maybe this child has a habit of wiping her runny nose on anything that is convenient--the sofa, the bed, the leg of mom's pants.... She probably didn't even realize she did it. I'd be pretty grossed out, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

Yeah this is exactly right.

I wish I had reacted right away with an "ACK" or even a more articulate, "do you need a tissue?" Not that I had one handy but anyway, I would have no problem saying anything if I had said it right away as an immediate response. Even "Oh gross, dont do that!" would have been okay. Just after the fact calling her attention to it, I didn't bother with. I am also not sure what is the protocol for talking with other kids about their behaviour - generally I prefer other parents to tell me rather than directly tell dd but maybe this changes as children get older? I am kind of worried that when you tell another parent it becomes something more serious and other parent may feel obligated to discipline the child less gently (as a PP related). OTOH I feel maybe it is more appropriate to inform the parents and let them handle it as it may be easier for a child to get these kids of messages from her parents than another parent? I have tried both ways and I am never really sure which is better.

[mammal_mama]

I hadn't thought about dry-cleaning: I'd probably offer to pay the dry-cleaning bill before I'd offer to replace the coat. I don't have anything suede either -- but googled it and, at a glance, found prices for suede coats ranging from $50-something to $600. We usually don't have that much on-hand, either -- but could probably pay the bill in installments.

Of course, now that I realize the coat was stained while being left on a chair at a child's event -- I might be more inclined to just apologize profusely.

I think I reacted more to the accusation of "harshness" toward someone who simply advocated saying "Use a Kleenex," and mentioning what happened to the parents.

I agree with Nature that a sit-down conference wouldn't be warranted (and never read Xoe's post as specifying a sit-down conference) -- and I'm actually not sure if I'd mention it to the parent: I just know that I'd want to know if it were my 7yo.

Of course, this discussion began with the simple information that a 7yo wiped her nose on someone's dress -- then later the information was introduced that it was a run-by incident during a game of freeze-tag. So some of us have continued discussing the broader issue of how they'd respond if a 7yo wiped her nose on their clothes -- while others are focusing in on the freeze-tag thing, and seem to think we're being kind of petty and not understanding what a serious sport freeze-tag is.

Just how much do we want to narrow the discussion? I, personally, think it's okay to let a child know I don't like having snot wiped on my clothes. Yeah, if it happened during a game of freeze-tag, and the child was yards away before I fully realized what happened, that'd probably be one time that I just let it pass.

But, as to the general issue of 7yo's who'd wipe their snot on someone else's clothes: I think it's gross, and if my 7yo ever did that, I'd want the other person to say something like, "Ew! Don't wipe your snot on me!" I know my 7yo would be grossed out if someone wiped their snot on her.

[~ZooBabies~]

Ok, did I miss something? I thought she said "A 7 y/o wiped her nose on my dress."

Where did this accident during freeze tag junk come in?

If a child is playing tag, runs by and wipes her nose bc its dripping and there's nothing available, then ok, I would still say "Oh, let me get you a tissue!"

But if a 7 y/o stood there, looked at me and then wiped her nose (which this is what I was thinknig the OP meant) then I would be like Ew (in my head) and say "Please don't do that, let me get you a tissue!"

JMO. We're talking about a 7y/o, not a 2 y/o

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by ~ZooBabies~

JMO. We're talking about a 7y/o, not a 2 y/o

Yeah, my 2yo absolutely wouldn't care if someone wiped their snot on her (or their poop for that matter). So while I'd certainly discuss it with her, I wouldn't be alarmed like I would if my 7yo walked up and did that to someone. She already knows that it's gross, and she doesn't want it on her -- so why would she put it on someone else, you know?

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I could see it happening accidentally--snot transfer on collision. In that situation, with the kids I know, I would cheerfully yell "Aack! You snotted me!" and we all would : Nothing much funnier than boogers, except maybe farts

You can play freeze tag with us anytime!

[cheery]

we're being kind of petty and not understanding what a serious sport freeze-tag is.

... which is really the only current that is keeping the humour in this thread, imho! thanks chfriend!

on another note ... i do think this particular 7 yo tends to be whiny, clingy, bossy, grabby. is this just something she will outgrow or would the fly-by snot-wipe in the context of her overall behaviour be something that would alert one that she is special needs, as some suggest. i am not sure whether her parents need to expect / demand more maturity from her. if only they joined the freeze tag game, they would know what is going on!!!

[chfriend]

I spend a crazy amount of time with 7 year olds. "whiny, clingy, bossy, grabby" looks to be in the range of normal, along with an amazing ability to fling many pounds of attitude right before falling apart while trying to master a fine motor skill.

If it happened to me a second time, or if I noticed her having other troubles, I would touch base with the parents to see if I could be of any help.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by cheery

... which is really the only current that is keeping the humour in this thread, imho! thanks chfriend!

on another note ... i do think this particular 7 yo tends to be whiny, clingy, bossy, grabby. is this just something she will outgrow or would the fly-by snot-wipe in the context of her overall behaviour be something that would alert one that she is special needs, as some suggest. i am not sure whether her parents need to expect / demand more maturity from her. if only they joined the freeze tag game, they would know what is going on!!!

Humour note: well if she's still doing that at 15 you'll know there was a problem.

From having worked in an elementary school, I would have to honestly say that kids do the weirdest stuff sometimes and it's not a sign of bad parenting, or special needs. It's just normal. They are kids: lesser impulse control, lesser awareness of how things look to other people, empathy still in development, and much higher booger tolerance, among other things.

Also if you're talking about a child burying her face somewhere, lots of kids cannot resist the soft sweater or fuzzy coat. They're little sensory beings.

When I used to teach kindergarten (I know, slightly younger) I would come home with filthy tights between my skirt and my ankles because at story time the kids would gradually squish in and start petting my legs (after rolling around on the floor)! Kids are wired for touch, or at least some are.

I actually kind of like that about kids even if I am not a huge fan of nose wiping... I guess it's normal that we have to adapt to social mores but some part of me thinks we lose a bit when we learn not to ever touch other people or their things (in a good way... not the wiping way).

[Earthen Goddess]

Originally Posted by chfriend

I asked dp what she would do ('cause she's the best mother in the entire wide world.) She shrugged and said, "I'd figure it was an accident. And I wouldn't want to embarrass the kid. Unless it was [our 8 year old autistic friend]. And then it's not like saying something would matter."

So OP....the best mother in the world would treat it the same way you did....like an accident in the middle of a rousing game.

You're awesome. You know that right?