child wiped nose on my dress - Page 4

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

.......I think I reacted more to the accusation of "harshness" toward someone who simply advocated saying "Use a Kleenex," and mentioning what happened to the parents.

I agree with Nature that a sit-down conference wouldn't be warranted (and never read Xoe's post as specifying a sit-down conference) -- and I'm actually not sure if I'd mention it to the parent: I just know that I'd want to know if it were my 7yo.

Oh please.....asking for "a sit down conference" is the least of what I hadn't said, LOL! But somehow just because I said I'd tell the child she needs to use a tissue, and then I'd let the parents know that the kid needs to use a tissue-- I'm harsh, bolding "everything," yelling, embarrassing children, asking for sit down conferences with parents AND accusing the parents of bad parenting. I suppose some people think there's no kind or compassionate way to tell a 7 year old they need to use a tissue? Whatever.....I don't have time for the hysteria.

xoe

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by Earthen Goddess

You're awesome. You know that right?

You are most kind. Clarifying, though, the articulate font of excellent motherhood I'm quoting there is my dp. (So, I'm not so much awesome as very lucky )

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Xoe

Oh please.....asking for "a sit down conference" is the least of what I hadn't said, LOL! But somehow just because I said I'd tell the child she needs to use a tissue, and then I'd let the parents know that the kid needs to use a tissue-- I'm harsh, bolding "everything," yelling, embarrassing children, asking for sit down conferences with parents AND accusing the parents of bad parenting. I suppose some people think there's no kind or compassionate way to tell a 7 year old they need to use a tissue? Whatever.....I don't have time for the hysteria.

xoe

[~ZooBabies~]

Precisely what I was thinking!

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

Yeah, my 2yo absolutely wouldn't care if someone wiped their snot on her (or their poop for that matter). So while I'd certainly discuss it with her, I wouldn't be alarmed like I would if my 7yo walked up and did that to someone. She already knows that it's gross, and she doesn't want it on her -- so why would she put it on someone else, you know?

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Nature

I thought the poster you quoted above your headscratch was being pretty clear: she felt she was being accused of saying things she hadn't said.

[Jescafa]

If this happened to me I think I'd be so surprised that I'd just laugh. I might say to the child, laughingly, "What was THAT about?!!" or something like that. Apart from a cocktail dress or two (which I wouldn't be wearing in this kind of situation anyway) I don't own anything that would be ruined by snot, so I probably wouldn't give it a second thought. I wouldn't go inform the parents. It's gross, but it doesn't seem to me that it's really damaging anything or indicative or a larger behavioral problem.

I think if I *saw* my child do something like this, I'd be horrified at her manners (I know her, and I happen to know that she knows better). I'd apologize profusely, offer to clean the item, and stop my daughter in her tracks and have her come apologize. I'd also tell her on the spot how to more appropriately deal with her next runny nose. I'd do it all nicely--no yelling (apart from any yelling necessary to flag her down in her snot-smearing path of destruction).

If I hadn't seen it, and instead someone walked up to me and politely told me what had happened, I'd probably react in much the same way, but I probably would raise an eyebrow that they thought it was important enough to mention to me.

If someone stormed up to me and said, "Do you know what your child just did?!" and proceeded to rant and rave, I would still apologize, agree to have the item cleaned, and have my daughter apologize, but I'd also tell the complainant to calm down in front of the kids and not make a mountain out of a molehill.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I thought the poster you quoted above your headscratch was being pretty clear: she felt she was being accused of saying things she hadn't said.

Well, the poster is mistaken.

[*GreenMama*]

Eeew. LOL!

I'd just be sweetly honest with the parents and say something like, "I was kind of taken aback when Jenny wiped her nose on my dress the other day. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but I was hoping you could maybe have a talk with her about it." I can't imagine that the parents would be mad at you for pointing it out. In fact, they probably would thank you for it, since I can't imagine they teach her to use other peoples clothes as a germ depository...

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Nature

Well, the poster is mistaken.

Well, from what I read, she was accused of being harsh when all she advocated was telling the child to use a tissue, and mentioning the incident to the parent (she never said anything about a sit-down conference, either!).
She was told, "You don't have to bold everything" -- in a post where I think she'd bolded like one sentence.

So maybe nobody's actually mistaken: each of us is just perceiving things way differently.

As to telling the child's parents -- I'm not actually sure that I would ... as I've already said, in a game of freeze-tag I'd probably let it pass. But I certainly wouldn't "raise an eyebrow" if someone told me my 7yo had wiped her nose on them: I'd be glad to know so I could talk with my dd.

While I certainly wouldn't want the adult to have an extreme reaction and potentially humiliate my child, I don't think I'd tell her she was "making a mountain out of a molehill." Some people do get seriously squicked out by gross stuff like that. I can remember, in my pre-kids days, having a hard time pulling myself together after somebody's kid peed a whole bunch right in my lap (my own panties were soaked -- and I just kind of wigged out).

The toddler didn't seem traumatized: she just stood there grinning, . But it was helpful that the other adult who was present (not the child's mother) didn't tell me I was making a mountain out of a molehill (even though I was). She just said that (as a mom of 7), she'd been peed on so much it didn't phase her anymore. Her calm (but uncritical) reaction enabled me to get over it faster.

[Jescafa]

Mammalmama, I hope you know that I wasn't advocating "raising an eyebrow" (which I meant figuratively, rather than literally--I can't actually raise one eyebrow independent of the other)--I was just trying to be honest about what my actual reaction would be. So often on this board we talk about ideals and don't acknowledge what form our human emotions would actually take. Rest assured my raised eyebrow would be a purely internal reaction and my response to the polite adult would be perfectly polite in return.

As for the scenario of someone storming up and making a scene, I feel I would be perfectly justified in asking them to control themselves in front of the children; in fact, I feel it would be a disservice to all concerned if I did not do that. I can appreciate having a visceral reaction to bodily fluids, but it does not justify an adult tantrum in front of children.

If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I might, in fact, find that my courage failed me to be candid with the adult about their inappropriate behavior--but I'd be very disappointed in myself afterward, and I'd apologize to my child for not acknowledging the poor adult behavior alongside their own.

[mammal_mama]

Jescafa, that's cool, and I agree: my actual responses often fall short of what I feel I "should" do in a given situation.

I think I'm kind of double-minded in all this: because I would feel that MY 7yo wiping her nose on someone else's dress was definitely important enough to be mentioned to me -- but I tend not to think other people's kids are as important as my own, so I might not even bother to tell the other parent if her 7yo wiped her nose on me.

It wouldn't be worth the risk of someone possibly thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing. So I very likely would just drop it, if it were someone else's child and not my own.

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama ....
I thought the poster you quoted above your headscratch was being pretty clear: she felt she was being accused of saying things she hadn't said.

Originally Posted by Nature

Well, the poster is mistaken.

Responses like this one make me wish I kept a DSM-IV next to the keyboard.

However......Nature, I just noticed that you're due to have a baby any day now. If my posts leave you feeling confused, feel free to skip them, okay? I'm sending you happy birthing vibes.

xoe

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

Jescafa, that's cool, and I agree: my actual responses often fall short of what I feel I "should" do in a given situation.

I think I'm kind of double-minded in all this: because I would feel that MY 7yo wiping her nose on someone else's dress was definitely important enough to be mentioned to me -- but I tend not to think other people's kids are as important as my own, so I might not even bother to tell the other parent if her 7yo wiped her nose on me.

It wouldn't be worth the risk of someone possibly thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing. So I very likely would just drop it, if it were someone else's child and not my own.

I have to agree.....IRL, my response would not seem as cut and dry as it does when it's typed out on the keyboard. After all-- like you, my own kid's behavior is more important to me. So it's more important to me that I know if my kid did this to someone else, than it is to tell someone else their kid did this to me. After all, my clothes can be washed-- so while the snot thing is disgusting, it's not really a big deal. But it would be major to me if my daughter didn't know-- by seven-- that at the very least, if she couldn't find a tissue she should be using her own clothes for wiping snot! LOL!

On top of that....it's kind of hard and lengthy to convey, in type, that if someone else's kid did this to you, you've probably bent down and are looking into a kids eyes and asking them (or telling them) "Sweety, do you need a tissue? Yes, you need a tissue. Come on let's get you one."....and then walking over to the parents with a smile and lightly advising them that their kid needs a tissue and feeling them out before you decide to jokingly mention that she wiped snot on your dress (or not..., depending on how heavy the whole thing is going to be taken, and whether you think the parents response to the child will be educational/informative, punitive or dismissive.) Personally, I haven't yet had a reason to make a big deal over what anyone else's kid has done-- even if it's been something that has actually endangered the kid. I hope I never have to. (Making a big deal over things is the parent's job, if you ask me. If parent's don't want to educate or discipline their own kids, so be it.) But even if I don't make a big deal over anything when talking to someone else about their own child-- it doesn't change the fact that if my own child had done something like that, I'd be horrified. Granted-- there are a wide range of behaviors you will encounter in seven year olds. Children older than seven are smearing poop, or whatever...so it's not like unsanitary behavior is unheard of at that age. Still, my DD just turned three and I don't think she'd do anything like that now. Somehow, through our day to day interactions at home, she's managed to get a beginning sense of cleanliness, germ-awareness and boundaries, already.

xoe
(sorry this post is so long.)

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

'Cause snot is yucky and she didn't want to mess up her pretty outfit?

Exactly. I would approach it from that angle.

"Sally, you don't like having snot on your clothes, so why would you put it on mine? Do you think that was nice, or not nice? (pause) Okay, so next time, what could you do? Could you ask for a tissue?"

I would be annoyed, but not angry.

But, now from additional posts, it sounds like she GOT snot on her clothes, not WIPED snot on her clothes...which is a bit different in my opinion. If it was a "collision snotting" during the course of the game, that sounds like a complete accident. And accidents are unfortunate events, not things to get angry with a 7 yo over.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Xoe

Responses like this one make me wish I kept a DSM-IV next to the keyboard.

However......Nature, I just noticed that you're due to have a baby any day now. If my posts leave you feeling confused, feel free to skip them, okay? I'm sending you happy birthing vibes.

xoe

Admittedly your DSM-IV comment does leave me confused. Would you like to know my current diagnosis, or would you like to amend mine?

Seriously, I just commented on a post of yours. I thought you were being harsh because had someone responded to my daughter in that way, it would be hurtful. Thats all. And then I elaborated on my post to explain myself. I admitted that I felt a bit bristly about the subject. It wasn't personal against you.

I'm sorry if you felt that I was putting words in your mouth, not understanding you, whatever it is that you think I was doing. I disagreed with you, and I took your bolded posts to be a virtual yelling or emphasizing and I'm not sure why you were.

I guess I don't know what else to say. I was attempting to be a part of the conversation and I guess I didn't go about it appropriately. It really feels to me that you are upset at me or what I said, and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally to deal with that right now.

I'll unsub from this thread to prevent further miscommunication. Again, I apologize.

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by Nature

.........
I guess I don't know what else to say. I was attempting to be a part of the conversation and I guess I didn't go about it appropriately. It really feels to me that you are upset at me or what I said, and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally to deal with that right now.......

Well I guess that says it all, now doesn't it? I'm still sending you good birthing vibes. Best wishes to you and your family at this very special time in your life.

xoe

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by llamalluv

.........But, now from additional posts, it sounds like she GOT snot on her clothes, not WIPED snot on her clothes...which is a bit different in my opinion. If it was a "collision snotting" during the course of the game, that sounds like a complete accident. And accidents are unfortunate events, not things to get angry with a 7 yo over.

Yeah, really......it is starting to sound like a "collision" thing, as opposed to a "wiping" thing. And that is a big difference in my book too. Accidents happen. But stopping to wipe your nose with someone's dress, in my book, is not an accident. Running into somebody with a snotty nose is.

xoe