extended families

[justanne]

Hello!

I'm new to the board here and only found you all by accident. how nice that you exist!
maybe this discussion has occurred before, i haven't done an extensive search of past discussions or anything, but i'd really like to know how others of you have dealt with the issues of aunts/uncles and nieces and nephews.

my partner and i have a son. 2 years old. and there are some of our family members who treat our family situation with "kid gloves." the reason being that their pre-teen/young teen children would be confused by the fact that we are lesbian in the first place and also that now we have a child.

they find our family impossible to explain somehow and thus family events are strained. it's almost like they (adult family members) somehow want their children to believe that i used to have a husband that i had this child with who then died and this woman that is with me now (my partner) is a really good friend who helps me out because my husband died.

and when i try to discuss the situation with them and how i feel about that- they throw out that while they personally don't care and aren't prejudiced and they love me and my partner- they also have the right to protect their children from such confusion.
????

how emphatically can i say that this hurts me?
why do i want these people in my life? well first because i love them- they are my siblings. but second because i wanted for my son to enjoy the benefits of knowing members of their extended family.
has anyone else ever encountered this? how have you dealt with it?

[wemoon]

I have never encountered this and it sounds awefully messed up IMO! Your family is doing a great disservice to you and your family and their own families. I would be extremely offended and would not want to be around them if that was how they 'explained away' my family.

I personally would have sit-down conversations with all the people involved and tell them that you do not want stories made up about your family. It is offensive and the mere thought of their children needing 'protection' is extremely homophobic.

I would also look up tools for them to talk to their children, which now is a complete mess because they have been lieing to them for so long. Find some age appropriate discussions on LGBT parenting online to send them. They will probably resist because now they have to let their kids know that they lied to them.

If it were me, at family gatherings, I'd be loudly proclaiming how my family REALLY came into existence and then watch in delight as the other parents run around, like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to 'protect' their children.

[lanamommyphd07]

In my family, I noticed as time has gone by, the ones who were kids (cousins and such) at the time I came out to family were in the know a lot more than the grown ones. I know a lot of my family are pretty religious, and it has always made me wonder what type of hell they have told their kids I'm headed to. The ones I was closer to or spent more time with got the explanation directly from me when they asked about it.
A thing I was really surprised about was everyone's reluctance to even talk about the fact that I used a sperm donor to have dd. Honestly, they asked me what story I'd be telling dd later--some stranger in a bar, etc. !!?? Basically I think parents are afraid to talk to kids about anything they don't have a handle on--the old "go ask your father" type of thing. They're right--it probably would be a LOT easier for them in their mindsets to explain things in terms of families they already know. This will certainly stretch them.....
If you say, "hey, brother, someday your kids will think you are oh so cool for being down with my family!" might help. The younger ones are always way more open than their parents, it seems.

[simcon]

I haven't encountered this, but it sounds very hurtful

You might consider taking this time before your son becomes as verbal and perceptive as he soon will be to really straighten things out--by informing your family members that they are the ones that are causing the confusion in their children--that your family is really quite transparent: two partners who decided to have a child and commit to being a family together.

I think it could be pretty detrimental to your son's emotional life for him to get negative messages about his family from his extended family, which seems like it would be inevitable with those weird sorts of deceptions going on.

[justanne]

Thanks to all of you

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yeah, I guess I'm aware that it is their behavior that is out of line, however, I'm not the type to try to "force" anyone to be tolerant or to understand. I guess I'm a bit timid that way, when maybe I shouldn't be.
I don't honestly think, however, that any of my siblings/spouses mean to be hurtful- I just think they don't really get it. I had thought before that they were all really understand, but I guess they are not there yet. But I think maybe that it's time for a very long and over-due sit down talk with them all. Thanks, your responses give me courage.

[gamitzer]

Hey justanne, I just wanted to pass on good luck for the talks you might have. My extended family has been very welcoming, but Noah is the first child born amongst ourselves and our brothers and sisters, so there are no other kids in the picture who might be "confused". I don't really trust my brother and his wife to tell their future kids the whole story, but we'll deal with that as time passes, I guess.
I do have to laugh, though, about people thinking they can tell their kids something and the kids will never find out the truth. Kids are so perceptive, and I really hope they will just ask you/your son about your family. If they don't ask, they'll find out in the future and hopefully think their parents were wrong to lie about you.