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My Daughters having sex!

post #1 of 54
Thread Starter 
Oh lord, the time has come! My daughter came to me very upset and proclaimed "Mom, i'm having sex". You could only imagine my reaction! I always told my daughter if she was ever thinking about having sex to come and talk to me about it so i could make sure she was protected and help her through the situation. As a mother, I'm very worried and not happy about her choice but at the same time I'm very pleased she did talk to me about it. She is sixteen and has been dating this boy for a year, and he's a very nice kid and i do believe they truley care for one another. Does Anyone have any advice on how to talk to her and make sure she is being responsible? How to comfort her? And me, haha? I'm a mess! I can't tell my husband because he will go crazy and my daughter asked me not to. Please any advice!
post #2 of 54
Oh my... I think it's great she feels she can trust you to talk about these things. *HUGS*

As much I don't approve, I would try very hard not to be judgemental. Here is a list of things I'd do....

* I'd ask about how she feels about the boy.
* I'd ask how she feels about sex (curious, nervous, excited?)
* I'd ask what she knows / needs regarding protection (take her to the store, or the doctor, or both and go over protection options).
* I would also ask if there is anything I can do for her in general.
* I would mention how much I appreciate her trust (this is a big thing to tell your parent).
post #3 of 54
Thread Starter 

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your reply! I really do appreciate it I'm very overwhelmed and any opinions i receive are great! Your approach was awesome, and i know she really cares about him, he's been in her life for over a year. I love her to death and i just don't want to see her get hurt. I am going to schedule a doctors app. asap! I'm still contemplating whether or not to tell my husband aah..scary thought!


Thank you so much!
post #4 of 54
I wouldn't tell him because she asked you not to.

For her to trust you enough to come and tell you that she is having sex, is huge. Don't break her trust mama!


I wish my mother had been this great. I just do not have anymore advice
post #5 of 54
:


I'll be watching this thread. No advice to offer right now.
post #6 of 54
Thread Starter 

Thank you!

Thats what inspired me to be so open with my daughter. When i was her age and i started having sex it was a scary and confusing place. I wish I could have talked to my mother about it. I don't want my children to go at things like this alone. I want my kids to be able to talk to me and i hope (and my daughter has just approved this) i gave them that enviornment. Thank you so much for your reply, every piece of advice i can get helps!

hugssss
post #7 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Oh my... I think it's great she feels she can trust you to talk about these things. *HUGS*

As much I don't approve, I would try very hard not to be judgemental. Here is a list of things I'd do....

* I'd ask about how she feels about the boy.
* I'd ask how she feels about sex (curious, nervous, excited?)
* I'd ask what she knows / needs regarding protection (take her to the store, or the doctor, or both and go over protection options).
* I would also ask if there is anything I can do for her in general.
* I would mention how much I appreciate her trust (this is a big thing to tell your parent).
Yes to all of this. My mom is a great mom, but I never was comfortable enough to tell her I had sex even though I was older than your dd. Don't tell your dh yet. Don't lose your dd's trust. After she gets used to the idea of you knowing and you make sure everything is ok, then ask her if you can tell dh because you don't feel comfortable keeping secrets from him. Then take it from there, but for now, don't do anything that will scare her into not confiding in you.
post #8 of 54
Thread Starter 

Thanks again!

very good point. I don't like keeping things from my family ha thats probably how my daughter feels also! Thank you so much for your continuing support!
post #9 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post


* I'd ask about how she feels about the boy.
* I'd ask how she feels about sex (curious, nervous, excited?)
* I'd ask what she knows / needs regarding protection (take her to the store, or the doctor, or both and go over protection options).
* I would also ask if there is anything I can do for her in general.
* I would mention how much I appreciate her trust (this is a big thing to tell your parent).
This is really good advice Good luck mama!
post #10 of 54
Wow.. this speaks volumes about your relationship with your daughter! I have three daughters and I hope that they feel so comfortable talking with me about such things.

I agree with all that!
post #11 of 54
Well I haven't btdt with finding out after. When dd was considering having sex with her boyfriend we talked about protection and I gave her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I wanted her to have backup in case she had questions and just wanted to look it up or something other than having to totally rely on talking to me. I also bought some condoms and the sponge for her just so she had some choices.
post #12 of 54
btdt twice. It's something I'm darned proud of that both of my teens felt comfortable confiding in me AND that both of them waited to have sex until they were in established, long term, loving relationships. I'm genuinely sorry that ds's relationship didn't last, even though it seemed so obvious to me that it wouldn't.

As a former teenager, I make sure that there are condoms in the bathroom just as I make sure that there is toilet paper, tampons, and other necessities. ds made some comment about not wanting me to freak out if I found a condom in his pocket and I assured him that I'd freak out if I DIDN'T.

These kids are up against so much more in the way of STDs than we ever had to deal with. There's too much at stake to trust that your partner will be monogamous. dd also uses foam and we have spoken about NFP. She inherited my thermometer after Terran was conceived, but I have always emphasized that charting, foam, and other kinds of birth control are to be used in ADDITION to condoms.
post #13 of 54
I'm just blown away by her telling you that! That is such a victory and a testament to an open, loving relationship! Woohoo! I wish I'd been able to talk to my mom the way she can clearly talk to you. No advice, just a *happy dance!*
post #14 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
These kids are up against so much more in the way of STDs than we ever had to deal with.
You know I'm going to respectfully disagree with this. I notice we are about the same age, going by your sig. I'm 43, I remember when AIDS first arrived, I was sexually active before AIDS. I think kids today have it much better than people of our generation. When it first broke no one knew for sure how you go it, how to protect yourself and there was no test. It was scary times. For all you knew you already had it or was sleeping with someone who did and just didn't know it yet.

Kids today have much easier IMO. And let's not forget prior generations before there was a safe reliable cure for syphilis.
post #15 of 54
The only fresh piece of advice (other than huge yeah thats to everything above) is to not make predictions about her relationship. Don't assume it's going to be forever, but don't assume it isn't either. Don't assume anything. Just be in the moment with her, and be proud of yourself that you "done good" enough to have this trust placed in you.
post #16 of 54

Congrats

Just adding my congratulations that she felt she could go to you with this information. Having dated for a year you know it's not a short term relationship and obviously her and her bf gave alot of thought to this. My daughters 17 and 15 are both in long term relationships and also sexually active. It's just part of the growing up process and I think you've done a great job with her. Barb
post #17 of 54
I hope my dd tells me too. I'd kinda like to hear about it before she has decided to have sex though.

If this were my dd, I would take her to the doctor and get her on some birth control pills ASAP. (which might also solve some of her other problems as well) I would even pay for them as long as she was still in school/college.
post #18 of 54
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for everyones support! I just logged on and was overwhelmed and a tear came to my eye knowing that i have the support of moms everywhere. Everyones advice gave me all different kinds of ideas, i scheduled an app with the doctor on Feb. 5th! I will be paying for it for as long as she needs me to. I got her set up in this forum for teens who have questions and maybe she will feel better talking to her peers just as I do talking to all of you! I talk to her everyday and I support my daughter in every decision that she makes! I also am planning to have a sit down with her and he boyfriends (not judgmental) but to explain things to both of them. I will keep updating everyone and I love the support!


p.s hope to get a picture of my daughter up soon!
LOVE YOU ALL
post #19 of 54
Congratulations on your smart daughter and great relationship with her! I wish more moms were like that! I have one piece of advice to add to the mix, be sure to let your daughter know that no matter how much she loves her boyfriend, and how much he loves her, and even if she is on birth control, DON'T STOP USING THE CONDOMS!!! No matter what a boy says(I've been tested, I was a virgin when I met you, etc), don't ever NOT use a condom (or dental dam)! There are STD's that can't be tested for, and as much as you want to trust them, boys (and girls) might lie and/or cheat. Good Luck!
post #20 of 54
Thread Starter 

Great Advice!

very good piece of advice. Very wise addition, you are absolutely right. I will be sure to bring this up to my daughter and also her boyfriend. There are so many things to know and i do wish that she would be crossing this path at an older age but the times now have changed. Thank you for all your love and support!
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