Need Help Finding Links About Why Mothers "Fail to Protect" Their Children

[beansavi]

I cannot find any links or sites about the following behavior: I am looking for information on why mothers would deliberately not protect a child from abuse (verbal, physical, etc.) when there is NO risk of the mother getting abused, herself. (Some mothers of children do not protect them because the mothers are afraid and also being abused. But what I am looking for is different.)

The behavior:
My mother allows people to verbally and emotionally abuse me and does not stand up for me or even make simple statements that she understands how I feel. The people are not males in her household, they are people like my sister-in-law, who is very unstable. I have broken off the relationship with my mother because of her behavior. She seems to enjoy watching the drama and the gossip, and when I tell her I am feeling hurt, that is when she decides to not speak to me for several days because she has been "busy". She seems to be extremely passive aggressive, to her own child (me), which just blows my mind!

[sapientia]

I don't have any links for you, but I can commiserate. My mother was that way for most of my life-it came down to resentment-her resenting me for having the responsibility of raising me. She still doesn't really defend me when my grandmother starts her nonsense.

And they wonder why I have my hyper sensitive moments!

[Shantimama]

I don't have time to search for links for you right now, but I can offer a couple of ideas.

Maybe the mother was abused herself and sees that behaviour as 'normal' or to be expected. Maybe she assumes that is how people are to be treated. Maybe she is hurting so badly that she wants to see other people hurt as much as she does.

The thinking and behavior patterns that go with some personality disorders can also contribute to this kind of 'addiction to drama.'

None of these things excuse this kind of behavior in a mother, but they can help others understand it. Ultimately it is up to the mother to hear that her actions/inactions/words are causing pain for her child and she needs to take responsibility for changing herself. Just because that is what should happen doesn't mean it will happen.

[Cassiopeia]

Well, this isn't what you're looking for so ignore it if that feels better...

Why are you as an adult expecting your mother to intervene on your behalf anyway? If she's egging on your SIL that's bad enough, asking her to defend you just gets the drama flowing even more. If your SIL is the one who is unstable, why cut off contact with your mom?

I guess I would focus on clear boundaries with SIL and then when your mom tries to discuss SIL with you (is she doing things like repeating nasty comments from SIL?) , just tell her you don't want to talk about SIL. If your mom stops talking to you because of that, well, that's her issue, right?

I just don't think you're going to get very far analyzing and worrying over what your mom is doing.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Cassiopeia

Why are you as an adult expecting your mother to intervene on your behalf anyway?

This is the first thing I thought of when I read the OP.

[beansavi]

I agree with what you are saying but it doesn't really apply to this situation. What I meant in the original post was that my mother witnesses abusive behavior and just stands there. If my child told me someone hurt her, that she was feeling sad, and needed some support, I would call her in person, I would take her out to lunch, or I would at the very minimum tell her I understand how she feels and that, inded, her feelings are valid. My mother does none of these things, instead egging on the drama between sil and myslef.

I cut off relations with sil the same time I cut it off with my mother. Neither of them are worth doubtingmyself over or losing my health due to stress and depression.

Originally Posted by Cassiopeia

Well, this isn't what you're looking for so ignore it if that feels better...

Why are you as an adult expecting your mother to intervene on your behalf anyway? If she's egging on your SIL that's bad enough, asking her to defend you just gets the drama flowing even more. If your SIL is the one who is unstable, why cut off contact with your mom?

I guess I would focus on clear boundaries with SIL and then when your mom tries to discuss SIL with you (is she doing things like repeating nasty comments from SIL?) , just tell her you don't want to talk about SIL. If your mom stops talking to you because of that, well, that's her issue, right?

I just don't think you're going to get very far analyzing and worrying over what your mom is doing.

[beansavi]

Thank you. You have made a lot of sense and I appreciate you taking time to help me understand how a MOTHER could not feel love for her own child, yet go out of her way to make her feel das and lonely.

Originally Posted by sapientia

I don't have any links for you, but I can commiserate. My mother was that way for most of my life-it came down to resentment-her resenting me for having the responsibility of raising me. She still doesn't really defend me when my grandmother starts her nonsense.

And they wonder why I have my hyper sensitive moments!

Originally Posted by Shantimama

I don't have time to search for links for you right now, but I can offer a couple of ideas.

Maybe the mother was abused herself and sees that behaviour as 'normal' or to be expected. Maybe she assumes that is how people are to be treated. Maybe she is hurting so badly that she wants to see other people hurt as much as she does.

The thinking and behavior patterns that go with some personality disorders can also contribute to this kind of 'addiction to drama.'

None of these things excuse this kind of behavior in a mother, but they can help others understand it. Ultimately it is up to the mother to hear that her actions/inactions/words are causing pain for her child and she needs to take responsibility for changing herself. Just because that is what should happen doesn't mean it will happen.