Not entirely sure what to call this thread...

[onlyboys]

First, I hope it is okay as a heterosexual to post here. I am seeking advice from LBGT people on some things that are going on with my 6 year old son. Straight people are of course welcome to chime in, but honestly, I am not interested in hearing that who my son is is wrong, or something that needs to be changed. I find him perfect and lovely, and am in no way interested in shaming or changing him. Sigh. This will be long.

He's always been different than other kids--he was a screamer/no sleep kid from birth until we found out he had Celiac disease when he was four. When he was 2-3 he went through a princess phase where he only, only, only wanted things that were pink, frilly and best of all, sparkly. I had no issue with it, of course, and neither does his dad.

Since then, he's clearly demonstrated to us that he's different than his male peers. He wears tights to school, which he think looks fabulous, and he doesn't feel weird about it at all. In fact, he commented that he "felt sorry" for the boys whose parents wouldn't let them wear them. He asked me to make him a skirt recently, which I did, and around Christmas, he asked for jumpers (skirts) for school. My husband and I talked about it, and decided to wait until he asked again. In the meantime, he wears his skirt to play in all the time. He loves it.

Tonight, he asked me for the millionth time when I was going to buy him his uniform skirts so he can wear them to school. I sat him up on the kitchen counter and asked him why he needed to wear skirts to school (this was not in anger at all, I was acting curious, which I am). He told me, "My body tells me that I need to wear girl clothes." This threw me for a loop! He seemed so centered and aware as he told me this.

Here's the deal: we're fine with him being who he is, whatever that means, and I mean that sincerely. If he's gay or straight or crossdressing or bi or trans, we're cool with it. But, he's only six, so obviously he's falling in love with anyone yet. I'm worried a bit about the other kids, but when I mentioned to him that I had these concerns he said, shrugging, "I will ignore them." He is not in the least concerned, and when some kids laughed at his tights, he did just that--moved on his merry way and didn't in the slightest care.

What is the right path here, in your opinions? I want to honor my son as he is at any point in his development as a person. I want to encourage him to be himself, and allow him the space to figure everything out. Buying him the skirts and girl clothes will eventually result in someone noticing and teasing/shaming him. I know this. I can't imagine not doing it though.

For those who may be wondering, I do think it's likely that he's gay. Time will tell, of course, and I'm in no hurry for him to grow up. I just want to be the best mom that I can. If anyone has any suggestions, or has BTDT, I'd really appreciate any insight.

[moonmama22]

First off, let me preface this by saying that this is only my opinion, by no means professional! I've actually seen a television program that was based on children like this. It was very obvious by how and what the children were saying that it was different than a phase, or curiousity, and that the kids were truly not feeling comfortable in the gender that they were born into. As comparison - dp and I were just talking this evening about how ds always wants to be the "girl" character in board games (i.e. Chutes and Ladders). That, I assume, is natural, whether it is curiousity, or just being something different than what he knows. His very best friend is a girl and loves to wear dresses, but ds has never asked to wear one, or suggested that he had any interest in "being" a girl. As far as how you should handle it - I think if you are comfortable with his behaviors, and he is aware of that, it will be a huge benefit to him. The kids in the program I saw were much, much more depressed and confused if their parents were apprehensive or embarressed. Good for you for having the strength and compassion to allow your son to express his true self, or even just to explore these avenues. So many parents would have such a problem with it, and could cause so much damage to their already sensitive kids. Eventually you might have to have conversations with his friends parents about it, since not everyone is so understanding, but I think you are doing a phenomenal thing, and I give you so much respect for it. Even myself being a lesbian, I would have a hard time with that situation, so I really, truly think you are doing a wonderful thing. I would say, keep doing exactly what you are doing for as long as it works, and just take things as they come!!!

[Twylightdove]

First let me say that is sounds like your responses to your child have been wonderfully supportive.

I do know that a lot of parents of transgendered children ask the same questions you are about how to deal with the inevitable questions and negative reactions from other people while supporting your child's expression of self. Personally I have no experience with gender non-conformity in young children. All my trans friends are over 18. But here is a trans website that has a few resources for parents and people you can contact. www.transactiveonline.org

Blessings to you and your family.

[TryingMommas]

Ditto what others have said that no matter what your specific choices are about what to "let" him do, the underlying message of love and acceptance is really what comes through to me in your message, and what will come through to him as well. i think he'd probably be able to understand if you decided "we really want you to wear what your body tells you is right, but we don't want you to get hurt by other people who don't know you and love you like we do ... why don't we try it out with you wearing XX outfits at (this place) and you can wear whatever you like (at home, safer places, etc)." Or, just let him wear what he feels most confortable in, and continue to check in with him about what reactions he gets and how you can work together to make sure he can be as safe as possible when he comes accross negative reactions?

There are a lot of parents of trans/genderqueer/not traditionally gendered kids in the SF Bay Area, so I'm sure there must be some organizations or yahoo groups or something out there. One place to start could be contacting Stephanie Brill of Maia Midwifery in Walnut Creek, CA. She is best-known for her books and midwife practice serving Queer families, but when I just called over to Maia the other day, the other midwife there told me that teaching about and working with genderqueer kids and parenting issues is her current passion and she is either writing a book or has already written one about it. I bet she could connect you with more support.

Kudos for being a supportive mom - and I'd only just say that no matter what his current gender expression, you never know who he will be sexually attracted to, or what his ultimate gender expression/gender identity might be. Good for you for wanting to honor who he is, no one can ask for more from a parent!

R

[onlyboys]

Thank you all so much.

You guys know how it is--we walk such a fine line in parenting. Sometimes I feel like the slightest error will result in a sociopath.

The suggestions and support are great! What a lovely thing to wake up to this morning. Thank you all so much!

[Hulahoop]

You sound like wonderful parents! I don't have any experience with or advice for this, but wanted to say that your son is lucky to have you.

[starling&diesel]

I can speak from some experience here ... as a queer who has supported several loved ones through gender odysseys, but more importantly as a foster mom to a child who came into our home as an 11 year old who had a very similar young childhood to your child, only without the early support of family of origin.

When Mouse came to us, "she" was just beginning a new identity as "he," under the mindful and diligent care of a team of pediatric specialists at the regional children's hospital.

For the next two years, Mouse lived under his new assumed identity with few problems. "He" blended seamlessly into a new community and school with no one knowing his situation except those involved. It was sometimes difficult for him, because he was impatient to "make his body match" and because he had a secret, and had to be careful to stay safe (bathrooms, pools etc), but it was ultimately freeing and better for his mental health to live as a boy while the powers-that-be debated his fate, as he'd been suicidal before coming to us.

When puberty started to hit, he was put on lupron, to slow the effects of the female horomones he was naturally producing as a biological girl. He fought and argued for testosterone and surgery, but as he was the youngest transitioning in the country at the time, everyone was cautious, and ultimately he had to wait until he was sixteen before he was allowed to start testosterone of any kind.

To make a long story short (there were lots of bumps along the way, trust me!), he is doing well ... he's now 23 () and is studying psychology with a goal to be a youth advocate. Go Mouse!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell the OP that you're doing everything you need to be doing right now. Stay curious, avoid assumptions. Make home a safe haven, have resources at the ready, encourage his other interests so that he has social outlets besides you and his papa, and if possible, find other families who are experiencing a similar path as you so that you can share your concerns and pool your strengths as you get to know your children better.

I do know children who started out embracing a gender other than the one on their birth certificate who either "grew out of it" or grew into it differently. There are so many roads ....

Take care, and thank you for being such a strong mama to your child.

[justanne]

it's very nice to hear.

It's very nice to hear how you are handling the situation.

I'd like to bring up another aspect though. You mention that there are uniforms. My guess is that somewhere in some school handbook it says "Boys may wear......." and "Girls may wear......" and by allowing him to wear a skirt, he will be violating a school rule since he is biologically a boy. How much of an issue would this be with the school? Is he prepared for taking the school on? Are you and your husband?
The other thing you may want to think about is that if you do let him wear a skirt, you should discuss it first with his teacher so at least she knows that he's probably about to face some teasing and so she can be prepared to head a little bit of that off at the pass.
Another alternative to this is to just tell him that since even though he feels his body is telling him to wear other clothes, that he is a boy and that he has to follow the "boy rules" while in school but that when he comes home he can dress however he pleases . I hope people won't think I'm trying to quash his individuality or make him feel like he has to hide who he is- but he's so very young.
just my two cents. justanne

[spedteacher30]

your response seems right on. your kiddo is lucky to have you for a mama!

personally, I would follow his lead about the skirts and school. If he wants to wear them, he likely will need your support to get the school to change the rules. If they refuse, I would personally keep going until an acceptable solution was figured out.

I used to teach middle school, and we had a boy who insisted on wearing a skirt to school, not because he was transgendered, but because he knew the principal was freaked out by it. His mom did finally put her foot down and tell him to stop because she was tired of missing work so he could prove a point.

but, this situation is different, and i don't think moms can ever go wrong for listening to their hearts and supporting and loving their children unconditionally.

[onlyboys]

The school is actually very positive and very open. According to the director, as long as he is within dress code (khaki and a uniform polo) he is perfectly okay to wear the girl's uniform. It's a public Montessori school and the teachers are fabulous about embracing difference. If he does wear the uniform to school, I will talk to his teachers about it in depthly. I don't think it will be an issue, actually. Which is strange, and I know most parents don't have that option. I don't think you were trying to imply that I curtail his individuality.

Today he came home and asked if I had shopped for him yet, and I told him no that I thought he'd like to go with me to pick out a skirt. He commented that it needed to be a uniform skirt and I suggested gently that we start with wearing dresses/skirts around the house and to play in. We can wear them to the park and the grocery store and to the library, but for now, let's see how everyone responds. He thought that was a great idea.

The other thing that's interesting is that I point blank asked him if he felt like a girl on the inside. It suggested that this was a good choice on one of the myriad websites I read today and his response was amazing. He stared at me for a minute, thought for a bit, and then said, "No, I am a boy. I know that. I'm just a boy who needs to wear girls' clothes. Some boys need to."

So, my new dilemma is that obviously he wouldn't be able to wear, say, his dragon costume to school, even though he may "need" to, so if this is a just a costume for him, then perhaps he needs to do it for playtime at home or when we're out and about. If he was thinking he was a girl inside, then it would be what he should wear, but this may be just what he WANTS to wear, you know? Since he was happy with the compromise suggested here that we try it out elsewhere, we're going to let it be for bit and see what develops.

Starling&diesel, I am amazed at your story, and thank you so much for sharing. What you wrote about--suicidal tendencies and depression--is what scares me most. I cannot imagine how scary and terrifying it would be to wake up tomorrow in a man's body, and for all the transfolk out there, it must be just like that, only forever. I will seek out some other families who may be experiencing a similar thing, and have some resources in place for us if we need them.

Thank you all so much. My husband and I were talking about this before I posted and I was really worried that I would be flamed, I don't know why, really. I just want to do the right thing here. I feel we are. Time will tell. For now, though, all is well.

[justanne]

I hope

I hope you didn't feel like I was suggesting you curtail your son's creativity or individuality, when I was speaking about considering the school's rules. I sure didn't mean it that way. It's just that I live in the midwest and well, I can't say that any school I know of around here would be so accepting. I hope you know how very lucky you are to have such a great situation with the school.
Good luck to you as you wade your way through this. I wish you the very best. Can I ask how your son's siblings have reacted to this? My guess is that with the example you are setting, everything is fine but on the other hand, it could be quite confusing and difficult for them too, depending on their ages.

Take care. Justanne

[onlyboys]

No, Justanne, I thought you were just presenting a side of it I may not have thought of yet. I didn't take a bit of offense to it, and I appreciate it!

I do have a great school for my kids. I feel lucky EVERY single day when I drop them off, and then again when I pick them up. It's frankly idyllic. And, it's a public school!

I only have boys (obvious from my username) and they are 11, 6, 4 and 2. My 11 year old is the one I most expected to have an issue--they go to school together and I worried about how he might respond when Ash (the son who this thread is about) started wearing tights. He worried obsessively about teasing, and when it didn't happen, his fears subsided. He's accepting and lovely in general, though, and while I would expect him to feel anxious, he really hasn't demonstrated that to me. He's even very encouraging, saying things like, "Nice outfit!" when Ash comes out of his room in a very carefully constructed FABULOUS outfit.

The other boys (younger than Ash) have no idea that anything is different about Ash. So, hopefully once they realize it, it will be normal for them.

Funny story--We were talking in one of those family bed early morning stupor moments about what we would change our names to if we got to pick names for ourselves. After much deliberation, Ash decided his name should be Fabulous.

He *is* fabulous!

[calpurnia]

Onlyboys, everyone has said this really, but I teared up (pregnancy hormones!) reading your thread. Your son does sound fabulous - but most of all you are a fabulous mother, your love & support comes out so clearly.

[justanne]

thanks

Thanks "Onlyboys"
for taking the time to assure me that I had not offended you. I was worried that I had in some unintentional way.

The school issue popped into my head right away because I work in public schools and while I believe in public schooling whole-heartedly and really hate the thought of any undermining of them by tax dollars going to private schools, I do realize that many schools (public and private) "fail it" when it comes to appreciating individuality. And school is a big part of any child's life so I was worried.

Sounds to me like everyone of your boys could aptly be named Fabulous! Best of luck to all of you. Justanne

[onlyboys]

Thank you so much everyone!

[Frannyo]

I'm not pregnant and tears are just streaming, streaming down my face.

Thank you so much, onlyboys, for being such a great parent. Sounds like you picked the Exact Right Husband as well. I don't have anything like this going on in my life yet, but I can only hope that I will take on my parenting challenges with half as much grace, acceptance, and love.

A movie you might get something out of "Ma Vie en Rose" - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119590/

The parents in this movie handle things a bit poorly, but the movie captures the innocence and joy the boy feels when dressed as a girl - and he's about your son's age.

Thank you again.

[Jilian]

Thank you so much for pointing me to this thread onlyboys. Our sons are so much alike, except I believe my son *is* transgender and not gay. He told me last night that he was supposed to be baby girl when he was born. I have the same hopes and fears for him that you have for your son. I wish my son's dad (my ex DH) was as supportive as your partner is. Luckily my DH is open minded and supportive. I'm subscribing to this thread.

[onlyboys]

It's so very hard, I know. And, who knows where either of our sons will end up. My son thinks he would like to be a girl, but doesn't feel like one. It's all very interesting!

Did you check out the resources at the link provided? There are some great stories on the trans websites about how they dealt with their child's discoveries about themselves.

My son recently asked me if he can wear lipstick. I told him that children don't wear it except to play, but if he wants to in high school he can. (Moms of girls, is this what most do? High school=makeup?).

[Anne S]

it is really cool your allowing your son to be himself. but i wouldnt say that we should call him intergendered just yet. sometimes these kids go through these long phases and change their minds when they get older. so it could go either way. i actually had a friend who influenced her child to be this way. she wanted a daughter so badly, that when she had a boy, she dressed him like a girl when he was a baby and a toddler. i assumed she quit doing it. she moved out of town. i talked to her on the phone all the time. when i went to visit her, her son war wearing a gir's school uiform, white blouse, skirt, etc. i think this is wrong of her to do because she is the one that changed him. but when its what the child wants, it is totally cool because you are just supporting him.

[onlyboys]

This thought process is definitely a concern to me. As a mother of only boys, I do feel like some people will assume that this is what has happened. The type of behavior you describe was described on another thread, too, and I'm trying to get at the reason for why the other post irritated me so badly.

With some introspection, I think it's this: I do not think that I could ever convince my 4.5 year old son to even consider wearing skirts. Seriously, he would run away! Why? Because so far has zero inclination to want to dress in a "feminine way" and he shows very little desire to do so.

I do not like the suggestion that I have created this in my son. It frankly makes me feel pretty angry. In much the same way, the thoughts that buying a son a kitchen set, or dress up clothes may make him gay. These suggestions are really offensive and myopic, I think. I do not feel like you are accusing me of this, by the way, I'm talking in generalities based on your thoughts. I'm glad you brought this up on this thread, though, because I didn't respond on the other thread so as to not take it too far OT. And, I would love to discuss the notions of "creating" a trans kid or a gay child. I just don't see it at ultimately possible.

Brief update--I spoke to the principal on an unrelated matter and just asked about the jumper wearing. She said no problem at all. Thus far, I think he's content with what's happening, and doesn't seem like he needs a change. I'm sure he'll let me know, though!