Doula disappointment......

[sunshine's mama]

So, it took me forever to find a doula.....

Finally found one that I felt instantly warm with...so inviting, just so everything....dp even liked her....

Her pre-natal visits here were fantastic......

We made a plan....knowing it may not go all as planned.....

Chatting about other things........

And just waited for the big day......

Big day came a week early and labor came so fast.....

I called her and told her my water was leaking, well, to find out if it was that or something else.... and she told me what to do and to call back if anything else happened....

I started having some pretty painful contractions all of a sudden and drew my bath (yay big soaking tub in new apt) and climbed in......timed a few of them and had Dp call her asap bc they were coming fast and strong...she arrived 20 min later (this was 2amish...close to 3) and baby arrived at 602am...

It just went incredibly fast......

I found myself looking to her for some direction at certain points and just not getting it.....like we had talked about it....like she was all flustered and unsure even though she's been a doula for many years and had had more than a few natural births of her own......

Baby girl came on out and all was good....

She stayed 2hr PP and then I didn't hear from her again for 2 weeks...I called twice.....

She brought over a meal for us (very yummy) and visited but we've never had that second PP visit and I still don't have my birth story she wrote up for us....it all happened so fast and I know I am missing some details that she wrote down and such....

But I haven't heard anything from for months now....I've sent 2 emails and called twice....she did send me an email about the local milk bank bc she knew I may be interested and I responded to it but that's that...

I just feel so disappointed......I just didn't get the kind of support I was looking for and we had talked about......

It was a fantastic birth..........kinda how I wished my first went and I really surprised myself at how I handled it.....

How does one deal with the disappointment??? Esp since we scraped and scrimped to pay for a doula (she did give us a discount and let us pay in payments)......

I don't know.....

[fairydoula]

I'm so sorry you had a disappointing experience. It sounds like you'd like to talk to her again, to at least figure out what happened, or didn't, and to get your birth story, if she's written one for you. Is it possible she's ill or is having a personal issue/event/drama and has just put your birth story on the "back burner"??

I'd probably not have waited so long to contact her again, there is a possibility she doesn't know anything is wrong on your end. Perhaps she felt that things went really well at the birth and would be suprised to hear that you felt a little lost. It might be a very good learning experience for her to know that you felt unsupported or lost at times during the labor. Maybe contacting her again by email and asking about the birth story and seeing if there's a possibility of meeting in person to talk about your disappointment? I'd also perhaps write some things down in advance, so that you had some specific concrete statements that expressed what you felt was missing. For example " I felt like you were/were not doing X for me while I was in labor" or "I was expecting more verbal/physical/emotional support at X point in time and I felt as if you were uncomfortable/lost/nervous" and then when you meet with her, say something positive first and then just explain that you had some feelings about the labor you wanted to explore with her. Ideally, you will be heard and she will be a better doula for future clients.
Congrats on an overall good birth experience!
Warmly,
Jen

[redpajama]

It sounds like you've had plenty of time to process this, and you don't sound overly "emotional" about it, and I think that--even if it would have been optimal to have talked with her sooner--you should try getting in touch with her. If I received an e-mail or a phone call from a client saying what you said in your post, in that tone, I think I would be really open to talking about it and learning from it. I would want to know if a client felt that way.

I'm not a particularly professional doula--I mean, I don't think I lack "professionalism" in the way that I deal with my clients or their births, but despite my best intentions, I don't have a handy little folder of information to hand out to clients, and I don't really follow a particular protocol in how I deal with them (how long I stay after a birth, or how soon after the birth I visit, or whether or not I bring them a meal when I visit, or even how many times we meet before the birth). Perhaps for this reason, I sometimes feel a little lost after the birth. Like, I'm always trying to carefully feel out how soon they'd like to see me again after the birth (trying to find the balance between leaving them feeling like I've forgotten about them and almost imposing by showing up too soon after the birth). Some people really like a lot of space in the first days and weeks after they give birth--others almost crave companionship. I try to be sensitive to what my clients seem to want and need, but I always know that I might be misreading them. Perhaps your doula didn't perceive your needs well.

I would definitely contact her--for your sake and hers. If you approach the subject more-or-less like you did in your post, I don't think she'll feel attacked or put on the spot, and I think it will give you the opportunity to express how you feel (and to get her perspective on the birth and have her fill in some of the details for you), and I suspect it will be an opportunity for her to learn about herself and her clients, as well.

Good luck!

[tlcdoula]

I am so sorry that this happened. I am curious but did your contract say she would provide x and then she didn't? Meaning the two pp visits, birth story, etc? I ask only because sometimes people talk about certain things, but when the contract is actually read and/or signed those things aren't in the contract.

Like other people have said I would definitely contact her and express your concern especially since she has not provided you with the services that she said she would.

[Doula Dani]

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

I am so sorry that this happened. I am curious but did your contract say she would provide x and then she didn't? Meaning the two pp visits, birth story, etc? I ask only because sometimes people talk about certain things, but when the contract is actually read and/or signed those things aren't in the contract.

Like other people have said I would definitely contact her and express your concern especially since she has not provided you with the services that she said she would.

I agree- if she said she'd do something and didn't, that's no good. At the same time, I know as a doula I get busy busy busy (I also have a 9 to 5, a toddler, and I'm pregnant), so perhaps you just have to beat her against the head a couple times?

If someone came to me and said- hey, I was wondering if you had a chance to write my birth story (and perhaps I'd forgotten) I'd feel horrible and I'd do it right away!!!!

[knowerofnada]

I am so sorry that your birthing doula left you disappointed. I just wanted to let you know that I completely empathize. Like you, hiring a doula was a big financial deal for us. It was a real luxury, something we wouldn't normally have the money for, but I was bullied so badly with my first birth that I didn't want it to happen again. The one thing I really reiterated to my doula was that above all, I needed her to advocate for my birth plan. I emphasized this over and over and over. Although she was fantastic at trying to assist me in a peaceful labor, she failed me when I needed her most. One of the things in my birth plan was that I did not want my baby to recieve the Vitamin K injection. I told her before hand that this one was going to be my biggest challenge of all and I really, really, really needed her to advocate for my wishes. But when the shit hit the fan, and the hospital staff was trying to relentlessly bully me, and they even called my pediatrician and had her come over to try and bully me, and she went so far as to tell me I was risking my baby's death and teetering on yelling at me, my doula remained silent. After WELL over an hour of being hounded in a very ugly manner, I finally signed some stupid piece of paper that stated my baby could DIE (in all capital letters) from my refusal of Vitamin K. I am VERY resentful that my doula remained silent through all of this. When she finally spoke up, it was about stupid stuff like the blood sugar tests that I wasn't even being hounded on. She actually went overboard, I guess because she knew she had failed me on the one thing I had told her was so important to me.

Although her web site offered to write up birth stories, she never offered to write mine up for me. Nor did she call me after I left the hospital until about three weeks later. She called moments after I found out my DH had spent over $600 at a strip club a few days before. I was hysterical, and she told me "I'm sure he didn't mean it", or something to that effect. WTF? I made a very quick end to our phone call.

She's such a sweet, gentle lady, that I really didn't want to complain to her (which is something I really don't usually have a problem doing). But I feel cheated from what I paid for. I'm really quite sad that I was so alone in having to deal with the hospital bullying, after I explicitly told her that's what she was hired for.

ETA She told me numerous times when we were discussing the advocacy issue that she understood my needs and would be able to advocate for my birth plan firmly as needed.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by knowerofnada

I am so sorry that your birthing doula left you disappointed. I just wanted to let you know that I completely empathize. Like you, hiring a doula was a big financial deal for us. It was a real luxury, something we wouldn't normally have the money for, but I was bullied so badly with my first birth that I didn't want it to happen again. The one thing I really reiterated to my doula was that above all, I needed her to advocate for my birth plan. I emphasized this over and over and over. Although she was fantastic at trying to assist me in a peaceful labor, she failed me when I needed her most. One of the things in my birth plan was that I did not want my baby to recieve the Vitamin K injection. I told her before hand that this one was going to be my biggest challenge of all and I really, really, really needed her to advocate for my wishes. But when the shit hit the fan, and the hospital staff was trying to relentlessly bully me, and they even called my pediatrician and had her come over to try and bully me, and she went so far as to tell me I was risking my baby's death and teetering on yelling at me, my doula remained silent. After WELL over an hour of being hounded in a very ugly manner, I finally signed some stupid piece of paper that stated my baby could DIE (in all capital letters) from my refusal of Vitamin K. I am VERY resentful that my doula remained silent through all of this. When she finally spoke up, it was about stupid stuff like the blood sugar tests that I wasn't even being hounded on. She actually went overboard, I guess because she knew she had failed me on the one thing I had told her was so important to me.

I am sorry that you had the misunderstanding of what a doula's role is. Unfortunately we can advocate for you, but we cannot stop them from doing something to you or your baby - that role falls on your shoulders and that of your spouse. In my 5+ yrs of being a doula I have had two clients who expected me to tell their healthcare provider what they could and couldn't do. That isn't my role and honestly if I was doing that I could get kicked out.

In both cases the women wanted to tell their healthcare providers that they could not do a cesarean birth - unfortunately that isn't my role. I spoke with both mothers extensively prior to their births and even encouraged them to talk more with their doctors about the areas they felt uncomfortable. The entire time they both said that they weren't worried because it would all work out. I even suggested in both cases that the mothers change doctors because reality is their doctors were very controlling and the things they questioned about the doctors didn't give the answers the mothers liked prenatally.

When it came time to birthing I helped each mother get answers to their questions which still made them both feel like the cesarean wasn't necessary and that their doctors that bullied them. In the end both mothers went along with the cesareans. I was able to speak with them alone prior to consenting, but reality is a doula's place is not to speak for the mother or prevent the healthcare providers from doing something because when a doula does that she risks getting kicked out of the room.

I think when a mother doesn't want something stronly it is her responsibility to discuss that with her provider prior to birth happening and if she doesn't get the answer she likes then it is her responsibility to change doctors, because it isn't the blame of the doula. I am sorry this happened to you, but it wasn't your doulas role to stop them from giving your baby a Vitamin K shot.

As for the birth plan - if she promised that then yes she should have done it. I also think it is very important to make sure everything is spelled out very clearly in the contract so that everyone knows what will happen. Personally I am there for the birth, visit the day after while the mother is still in the hospital and then I do not call her until one week after she gets home which is about 1 1/2 weeks after the baby is born. I make that very clear to all of my clients and make sure they know that if they need me that they can call me. I do not call prior to that time because I would like the mother to rest and I know that often times visitors are crawling out of the woodwork and I don't want to be one more burden on the family. Like I said if they need me prior to me calling I expect them to call me. Once I do call them then we set up a postpartum visit at their convenience and some will set it up for me to come within a day or two and others will have me come weeks later. A good contract would clear all of that up on what is expected of the family and of the doula.

As for the doula calling at a bad time - unfortunately you never know why she reacted the way she did. Maybe it made her uncomfortable and she didn't know how to react. Maybe she had experienced something similiar in her life and your announcement brought back some rough feelings for her, and I am probably pretty darn sure she NEVER expected to call you and have you tell her that. You have to admit that what you announced is probably something that would put a lot of people at unease and they may not know what to say or how to react. This is a very personal matter that I think you and your dh needed to work out and not involve lots of other people who might have opinions that might in the end go against what you believe in. How would you have felt if she said "wow, well leave him?" and then you didn't and you would have had hard feelings for her telling you that too.

[knowerofnada]

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

I am sorry that you had the misunderstanding of what a doula's role is.

Since we are going to be passive-aggressive here, I am sorry you did not clearly understand my post. I thought I made it easy, but I will try again for your benefit. She explicitly told me she could indeed speak up and defend my decisions to the medical staff. She was fully aware that it was the ONLY reason I hired her. Period.

ETA It is as ethically important to fulfill a verbal contract as it is a written one. Mea culpa for trusting her word.

[imbarefoot]

mama

Maybe write your local newspaper about it? I hope you are able to get ahold of her, I would keep trying.

I think it needs to be kept in mind that not all doulas are equal. Some may agree to do things that others don't. The things they agree to or don't agree to may not be the "standard" for what doulas are "supposed to" or "not supposed to" do. Each is different, each has a different comfort level.

If the OP's doula felt comfortable making an agreement as such with her, then she should have upheld that. Also if she agreed to do PP visits and have a birthstory for her, she should follow through with that as well. Even if it's not what your "average" doula would agree to do. I for one have a doula that is a friend of mine and someone that has been studying unassisted childbirth and midwifery for 10 years. I asked her if she would be willing to check me after the birth to see if I tore, just because I don't want to be bothered with doing it myself, and she agreed. That's not something that most doulas would agree to do, but mine feels comfortable with it and agreed to do so for me.

[nashvillemidwife]

Originally Posted by knowerofnada

Since we are going to be passive-aggressive here

Maybe you need to look up the definition of "passive aggression" as none was present in the post you are responding to.

[knowerofnada]

Originally Posted by nashvillemidwife

Maybe you need to look up the definition of "passive aggression" as none was present in the post you are responding to.

Yes, there was. I never once said I misunderstood the role of a doula. That was the poster's way of implying that I had. It would have been much more honest, if she felt that way, to say "I feel that perhaps you misunderstood...." versus, "I'm so sorry that you misunderstood.....". The entire response was on the same passive-aggressive tone.

On the other hand, your quoted post above was not passive-aggressive, but rather it was just outright snarky.

[knowerofnada]

OP -- Clearly this was the wrong place for us to vent our disappointments over our doula experiences. Another forum (LWAB?) might have resulted in less offense and more unbiased responses.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by knowerofnada

Yes, there was. I never once said I misunderstood the role of a doula. That was the poster's way of implying that I had. It would have been much more honest, if she felt that way, to say "I feel that perhaps you misunderstood...." versus, "I'm so sorry that you misunderstood.....". The entire response was on the same passive-aggressive tone.

On the other hand, your quoted post above was not passive-aggressive, but rather it was just outright snarky.

Sorry it wasn't meant to be passive aggressive and perhaps each of us has a different way of reading into my message.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by knowerofnada

OP -- Clearly this was the wrong place for us to vent our disappointments over our doula experiences. Another forum (LWAB?) might have resulted in less offense and more unbiased responses.

I haven't seen anyone being offensive in any of their posts! I have seen that each person who has been dissatisfied with their doulas work has been given suggestions on how to rectify the situation.

[redpajama]

knowerofnada--I have to say I rather agree with tlcdoula, although it sounds like maybe your doula misunderstood *her own* role at your birth. I really believe that telling a doctor (nurse, whomever) what he or she can-or-cannot do to your baby--particularly when you are there and able to speak for yourself--is completely outside of the role of a doula. I suppose that if you want to hire someone to speak for you, and if this person agrees to do so, then you can do that--but you're not really hiring a "doula." I mean, I'm a doula, but if you hired me to watch your kids, you'd call me a "babysitter," and if you hired me to paint your living room, you'd call me a "painter." And if you hired me to speak on your behalf after the birth of your child, you could come up with something to call me under those circumstances as well--but the fact that you found a doula willing to agree (verbally or otherwise) to give medical instructions to your care provider on your and your baby's behalf does *not* make that a doula's role.
But that isn't the point, I suppose. The point is that the OP was disappointed in her doula's performance at (and after) her birth, and I think she received some practical tips from several people in this thread.

[1stimestar]

I DO NOT speak for my clients. In that situation I may have said "Suzieq, this is where they normally give the Vit. K shots, perhaps you'd like to remind them of your birthplan." Then it would be up to your or your partner to remind them of your no Vit. K wishes. If *I* spoke FOR my clients, that would imply that they are unable to speak for themselves and that was not the case. It actually takes away your power to have your doula speak for you. Sorry you were not satisfied with your doula. Did you check references? There are good and bad in any profession, including the doula one. It is important to research your doula's background and training, and as mentioned, references.

[knowerofnada]

Well the thing is, the doula DID say that advocating my birth plan to the hospital staff was not normally her role. So she was aware of that, and I was aware of that. With that said, she also AGREED to do it. I made her fully aware that was what I wanted to hire her for, and she decided to accept those terms. So although I do believe you all that it is not something a doula would normally do, she agreed to do it, and I was very grateful for this. I did repeatedly ask her that since it was not something she would normally do, was she SURE she would be able to, and she assured me numerous times that it was. Unfortunately for me it did not happen, and I feel cheated out of alot of money because of this. I don't know what else to say.

ETA With that said, althoough I feel cheated for my personal reasons, I would highly recommend this doula in her "typical" role.

[aquablue]

Hi Sunshine’s Mama!

Not to bring down your experience but maybe the doula was thinking you’d say something if you needed help and thought you were doing ok since you didn’t at that time. I guess I’d email or call one more time and explain how I thought the birth went (overall good but felt a bit of disappointment) and requesting the birth story as she promised. If she doesn’t respond, I’m not sure what more you can do other than to let others know your experience if they ask for referrals and to not use her if you get pregnant again.

You did the best you could in finding a doula that you meshed with…

On the other note: I wanted to throw my opinion on knowerofnada’s situation.

I have to agree w/ knowerofnada and her disappointment (doula explicitly agreed to act as an advocate on the Vit. K but offered zero support to the parents when the issue came up). Not a squeeze of the hand, not a “can I speak with knowerofnada for a moment”, nothing.

I feel that the doula had the onus of correcting her client when the Vit K concern first came up during the prenatal visits. Isn’t the purpose of the prenatal visits to hash all the questions, concerns, wishes? And it seems to me that knowerofnada did her part: was honest and forthcoming during the visits to explain her expectations on the doula’s role when it came to the Vit K concern.

If the doula doesn’t say anything, how is the client to know the doula isn’t on the same page as them?

I’m in the accounting department. Let’s say an employee emails me asking that I initiate an electronic funds transfer to a real estate broker’s account. If that is not one of my duties yet I respond with “Sure, I can have that done by tomorrow”, I am now responsible for making it happen b/c I said I would. It’s beyond the point of me not having the authority to do the transfer. It’s not the employee’s fault for asking me nor is it her fault if she thinks I can do it b/c I affirmed her assumptions with a “sure, I can do it”. The sad part is an immediate but simple email to the employee saying the transfer is beyond my scope of work would’ve given the employee ample time to get it done in the necessary timeframe by someone else. And it’s not like the employee would be hurt that I said I couldn’t do it.

I don’t think knowerofnada would be upset had the doula said from the start that she can’t act like as an ad vocate. Knowerofnada lost the opportunity to look for other solutions whether that was to ask a close friend to be super assertive on their behalf or to mentally prepare to be absolutely vocal. And that was lost b/c the doula did not tell the truth on that particular matter.