Starting to get afraid

[3cuties]

I am 19 weeks and up until this point I have been researching homebirth, reading all the academic articles, researching HCPs, planning stuff -- now it is a reality. I have a HCP, I made my decision. And now I am scared. Let me preface by saying -- reading more won't help b/c I had read everything under the sun -- I know all the stats. My issue is this -- I don't know if I can accept resposibility if something goes wrong. I don't know if I will be able to go on and not blame myself. My reason for HBing is comfort and desire to be at home -- which is buttressed by all the stats showing it is just as safe if the HB takes place under certain conditions (which I meet). Is this instinct of me kicking in telling me I am not a HBer? (which would break my heart and be dissapointing). Or is this something I should work through or ignore?

[nhapmom]

i think everyone needs to make those decisions for themselves and that it will vary from person to person.

for me, i dont want to be in a hospital no matter what. i KNOW i will end up being sectioned if i even step foot into one. i loved the free standing birth center last birth but there was nothing my MW did there that she cant do here at my home.

as far as responsibility...presumably you have hired a HCP that you feel confident in. She is going to be able to tell if anything is wrong.

When I think about this, I try to consider all the possibilities..teh worst case scenarios.

a breech baby i think i would be comfortable with (w/ my MW). if i start hemoraging, i wont bleed to death in 5 minutes..an ambulance will be able to get here in time, more than likely. i will allow my MW to monitor my baby's heart rate...fluctuations dont bother me (or her) but no heart beat would be concernnig to me and reason to automatically transfer.

these are the thoughts going through my mind.

but yes, I do believe that we are responsbile for our births. i think too many women (myself included for my first 2 births) have simply stated "its in the dr's hands' thus passing the responsiblity for everythign onto them (sound familiar..its all in G-d's hands kind of thing). That distances US from making informed decisions. I would never recommend a homebirth to anyone who wasn't 100% decided on it. But I do think, for me, its the best option for another vbac.

good luck in processing this. it was a real stretch for me before to go from an OB to a MW and from 2 c/s's to a natural birth. i know its a hard road to travel. only time will tell which side you end up on.

rach

[guestmama 9918]

I am 36 weeks tomorrow and this is my first homebirth, an HBAC. I have had two natural births before my csection, one in a free-standing birth center. Originally we planned the VBAC in a hospital setting, but my gut instinct was telling me something just wasn't right.

I understand your fears. I find them creeping into my mind too, especially since I have the added element of uterine rupture to factor in. But again, my inner intuition tells me that the homebirth is the right option for me. I know that isn't scientific evidence, but so much of what will happen with this birth I can't control.

The only advice I have is talk to your care provider openly, bacause a lot of your success may depend on how much trust you have in them to create the outcome you want. You need to feel really safe and confident that they know how to manage all the possibilities. And don't get caught up in the statistics or numbers.

Good luck.

[DoulaJulian]

I know that overcoming my fears about HB meant letting go of 30 years worth of ignorance about HB options...i've been a dedicated advocate of the midwifery model of care for only about 4 years. That is A LOT of social conditioning to let go of in a short amount of time. Psychologically, you (like many of us in America, i am sure) have been raised with a certain belief system...that women go to the hospital for their births. Period. Just b/c our brains may know better through reading and research doesn't mean that we are not products of our culture!

(Sorry, i'm an Sociological Anthropologist with a minor in Psych...my friend and I are researching a paper right now on how the medicalization of birth has actually changed the psychologically of our culture and it's attitudes about families...but i digress)

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you would like to feel. It is not wrong or necessarily an indicator that HB is not for you. I know that for me, it has been harder to accept that my hospital birth and the Dr using interventions might have caused harm to my baby (which i do believe happened to my last baby...i think that they handled the labor and birth badly-even dangerously-- and my dd has mild learning disabilities, emotional issues and was born with a broken shoulder.) I have to accept the responsibility b/c i hired the DR and he considered what he did to be the "best care" that medicine can provide. If i had had her at home, mw's wouldn't have managed my birth so much and perhaps she would have been fine. (Should have, Would have Could have though...maybe either way she would have had problems? Unfortunately i will never know)

But ultimately, i think that nhapmom hit the nail on the head...we ARE responsibility for our births, no matter what or where. It is when we hand over responsibility that we lose our power as birthers, as mothers, and as women. I don't necessarily believe that going to a hospital relieves us of responsibility if something goes wrong. Nor does choosing to birth at home mean that we are irresponsible. I think that for me the bigger issue in deciding on HB was being able to stand up to people who felt that i was being irresponsible for my choice to birth at home...again, my social conditioning made it hard for me to feel comfy making a decision that might make OTHER people uncomfortable, rather than doing what i knew was right for me. uhhgg. SuperMom/Good Girl Syndrome anyone?

I think that you are very wise to be having these thoughts and discussions right now at 19 weeks! Give yourself lot's of time to think--run detailed scenarios past your midwife...keep talking to MDC memebers and asking questions like this. If you ultimately decide that you would feel more comfortable in a hospital setting, then you shouldn't feel as if you will judged for that choice either! Whatever birthing option makes YOU feel the most safe, empowered and whole is the RIGHT choice for you and your family. I personally know friends who i support and love who have chosen hospital birth for the very same reason you speak of, and they are fine with their choice and had my full support. The thought of having a baby at home made them feel unsure, scared and powerless. The whole point of empowerment is that you are free to choose the option that is best for you and have no "higher authority" telling you which option is best for you.

I am using hypnobirthing with this baby since i have many fears about my upcoming birth. We do a fear release exercise where we acknowledge my fears, address the ones that we CAN do something about (ie-- i'm scared the baby will have the cord around her neck, my midwife gives me a detailed scenario of how each step would be handled to fix it etc...) and the ones we can't do anything about ( i won't embarrass myself by revealing the absurd types of unreasonable fears i might have ) we acknowledge them and let go of them since they are so remote and rare and literally there is NOTHING that can be done, not even in a hospital if i encounter one of those 'what if' scenarios.

I am at 34 weeks now and am feeling pretty safe with my choice. But it has taken practice. I couldn't just prepare myself intellectually, i had to ask for help in getting myself prepared emotionally, and it has been hard. It was like intense therapy sometimes! I have come to terms that if something happens here at home, that we gave ourselves every chance to do what was best and good. If it happens in a hospital, i would have a hard time believing that their interference didn't CAUSE the problem and would never be able to forgive myself for not listening to the stats about HB as well as my heart. But again, this is where i am at 34 weeks and A LOT of work later.

i hope that you will check in and ask more questions. I honestly believe that all of us benefit from working through these issues together!
:Very Best of luck!

[AZgirl2207]

I think some of the 'fear release' exercises in HypnoBabies might be helpful for you. (HypnoBabies is the one I know, I'm sure there are others) Are your fears really about homebirth or birth in general? My current midwife is more experienced than my previous OB, so I trust her to know what to do--including knowing when to go to the hospital. We (as Americans and as women) are conditioned to accept a doctor as 'all knowing' and perfect--they aren't. Ultimately, we're responsible for our births, our children, and whatever goes wrong (or goes right).

Good luck with this difficult decision. You will make the right choice for you and your family.

[3cuties]

I love Hypnobabies. I did it last birth and haven't started yet, but I should. Fear Release is actually in my cd player next to my bed. Before yesterday, I had no fears about HB. None, my only concern was my ability to handle it. Now I have worked through that. LOL, this has suddenly appeared.

These comments are so incredibly thoughtful and helpful. Each one. I actually just printed them all out. I am at work, and I want to read them before I go to bed. I think running through what if scenarios and how I would handle them, will help. I am meeting my midwife for the first time on Wed. So that will be good too.

I KNOW the safety of HB. And you are right, it is ingrained and brainwashed into me that it isn't safe. My younger sister was born at home. Most of my friends have kids at home. My husband often says, "Regina, I was born in a house with a dirt floor and a "midwife" who was the village healer."

[erin_brycesmom]

Definitely don't ignore your feelings!! I would work through them even if that means changing your mind. You have to get to the bottom of your feelings and end up being totally comfortable with whatever choice you make. The good news is that you still have plenty of time. Although I'm a HB advocate, I'm a bigger advocate of following instincts. Getting fully intouch with your instincts should give you your answer.

When I read your comments, I can't help but wonder why you would feel free from that same responsibility if you choose hospital birth? Personally, I feel the same exact responsibility with either birth location. Maybe that is because I have already experienced having a hospital birth where hospital protocols caused trauma to my baby and I have to live with the fact that I put my child at risk for that by choosing hospital birth. I have no excuse because I knew the risks wer higher in the hospital but I hadn't worked through my own issues enough to choose home birth with that pregnancy.

[mommy2naomi]

I think its natural to doubt the unknown and be afraid. I personally feel that all pregnancy could be risky and we can't always control everything. You have to find your comfort zone.

I'm planning an HBAC for May and had doubts in the beginning. But now I'm come to terms that I can't control everything, I can only make the best decisions I can with the information that I've armed myself with.

I would also talk to your midwife, I think you will hear that you're not the only one with such thoughts.

[3cuties]

Originally Posted by erin_brycesmom

Definitely don't ignore your feelings!! I would work through them even if that means changing your mind. You have to get to the bottom of your feelings and end up being totally comfortable with whatever choice you make. The good news is that you still have plenty of time. Although I'm a HB advocate, I'm a bigger advocate of following instincts. Getting fully intouch with your instincts should give you your answer.

When I read your comments, I can't help but wonder why you would feel free from that same responsibility if you choose hospital birth? Personally, I feel the same exact responsibility with either birth location. Maybe that is because I have already experienced having a hospital birth where hospital protocols caused trauma to my baby and I have to live with the fact that I put my child at risk for that by choosing hospital birth. I have no excuse because I knew the risks wer higher in the hospital but I hadn't worked through my own issues enough to choose home birth with that pregnancy.

That is a very good point. For me, it is probably a false sense of feeling safe and I think not having responsibility (or feeling that I don't have any) is because I had a fall sense of trust and reliance in the hospital and HCPs. I also chose my HCPs and hopsitals very carefully and had very good experiences (excluding triaging). And choosing the opposite of that (which really should not be the opposite, it should just be compatible but different) sort of feels like forgoing that protection. Even though I know intellectually that it really is not. I am not sure if this makes sense.

[Cathieq]

Hi 3 cuties!

I definitely think this is where it was easier to homebirth in the Netherlands. I looked around at all the women who had done it before me and thought, "well, if she can do it, surely so can I". And it was my first birth so I had no idea what labor would be like! Another wise woman told me to just think confidently that all would be well, and it would. I think that truly does help.

I've found that the problem with being pg here is that the entire pg is treated as one big "what if?" kind of event. They are constantly looking for something wrong. In the Netherlands, pg is treated as normal, unless they see something concerning. Here I feel like they almost assume there will be a problem, unless they can determine you are low risk. It really messes with your head! Honestly, it has made me a lot more nervous about childbirth, which sucks.

I think if you mentally focus on how cosy it is at home, what a welcoming environment it is, and what a true joy bringing life into the world is, that might help a bit!

I admit I did also run through the negative scenarios -- dh and I timed the trip to the hospital, asked the midwife all sorts of transfer "what ifs", and generally felt like we knew what we were getting into. I was told it takes around 10 minutes to get the OR ready, so whether you are at the hospital or traveling there while they get ready, there is no time saved. That made me feel better!

[3cuties]

Originally Posted by Cathieq

Hi 3 cuties!

I definitely think this is where it was easier to homebirth in the Netherlands. I looked around at all the women who had done it before me and thought, "well, if she can do it, surely so can I". And it was my first birth so I had no idea what labor would be like! Another wise woman told me to just think confidently that all would be well, and it would. I think that truly does help.

I've found that the problem with being pg here is that the entire pg is treated as one big "what if?" kind of event. They are constantly looking for something wrong. In the Netherlands, pg is treated as normal, unless they see something concerning. Here I feel like they almost assume there will be a problem, unless they can determine you are low risk. It really messes with your head! Honestly, it has made me a lot more nervous about childbirth, which sucks.

I think if you mentally focus on how cosy it is at home, what a welcoming environment it is, and what a true joy bringing life into the world is, that might help a bit!

I admit I did also run through the negative scenarios -- dh and I timed the trip to the hospital, asked the midwife all sorts of transfer "what ifs", and generally felt like we knew what we were getting into. I was told it takes around 10 minutes to get the OR ready, so whether you are at the hospital or traveling there while they get ready, there is no time saved. That made me feel better!

Thank you for this response.

My OB told me (and she was generally supportive of my HB decision) that at the hospital she delivers at (Prentice Northwestern in Chicago), she has raced down the hall and had a woman ready for a c-section in 3 minutes. I do believe her b/c she does not exaggerate and Prentice is like that -- their c-section rate is much higher than the national average. And likely the woman already had an epidural inserted. But, I also know intellectually (although there is this nagging thing inside me) the necessity of doing c-section in less than 10 minutes arises in situations (please correct me if I am wrong) where the problem has likely been masked by an epidural, etc -- so that it needs assistance NOW. Most problems in labor/delivery (and I know it is counter to the normal view on birth to look at it this way) develop over time and slowly and a perceptive HCP picks up on them and intercepts. My OB told me this as well -- but I did already know this.

[beanmakes3]

I actually think you should feel better once you actually met your midwife! If i understand correctly, you've done everything so far, but that? I know that for me reading Henci Goer's The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth helped w/ the "need for science" in my decision making. But, like you, 3cuties, I wasn't completely convinced until I built my relationship w/ my midwife. My first homebirth was with my first baby, and I think maybe it helped that i had no previous experience w/ birth at all...but, I endlessly went through scenarios w/ our MW, and we ultimately decided (DH and I) that if she said we should go, we would go (transfer, that is). We didn't want, at that point, to discuss options, or "wait and see."

I well-trained MW, I believe, is much better able than a doc to tell when something is deviating from normal b/c they actually have experience w/ what normal is!

And, PPs are right, whatever you ultimately decide in the end, it the right decision for you at this time. So many of the decisions we make about birth stem from the "ultimate goal is a healthy baby" mentality. Well, duh! Isn't that what we all want? The what iffing ourselves can be a really painful process, but the midwifery model is really fabulous at helping process that. If nothing else, hopefully your MW will be skilled in helping you sort through it all, and coming to the right decision for you and your baby! Good luck.

[erin_brycesmom]

Originally Posted by 3cuties

That is a very good point. For me, it is probably a false sense of feeling safe and I think not having responsibility (or feeling that I don't have any) is because I had a fall sense of trust and reliance in the hospital and HCPs. I also chose my HCPs and hopsitals very carefully and had very good experiences (excluding triaging). And choosing the opposite of that (which really should not be the opposite, it should just be compatible but different) sort of feels like forgoing that protection. Even though I know intellectually that it really is not. I am not sure if this makes sense.

Makes perfect sense . In a way it does feel like the opposite so I totally see where you are coming from. I felt a very similar way during my last pregnancy. After reading Tracy's post, I think talking to your MW about how you are feeling will be very helpful.

[alegna]

I feel very strongly that ALL birthing women need to be prepared to fully accept responsibility for what happens around their births. This means accepting what happens in a homebirth. And accepting what happens in a hospital birth. Accepting that perhaps in a homebirth it might take 5 more minutes for a section. Accepting in a hospital birth that the trauma to your baby and your own body is a choice that you are making.

I think this is a big problem with our birth culture today. Women don't want to accept any responsibility. So when something goes wrong, they blame someone else and want to sue someone. There are absolutely cases of horrible malpractice, but most of what goes "wrong" is either a risk of birth itself or a direct consequence of choices made.

-Angela

[xmasbaby7]

I agree that there is a daunting amount of responsibility to accept, but I also think, wherever you give birth, that it is more about trusting your body and working with your baby for a good birth than trusting home birth in general.

Don't disregard your fears. They need to surface, but if in several more weeks, if you don't feel better, then allow yourself the space to consider alternatives that may feel better to you.