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Venting about negative reactions to twin pregnancy news

post #1 of 37
Thread Starter 
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has dealt with this before and I'm sure there's no real answer so I'll just vent and get it off my chest before it really starts to bring me down. Hope that's OK .

First off, twins were completely unexpected for us. Beyond the occasional joke about how big I was we never really thought it was a possibility. We talked a lot about trying for just one more child so needless to say accepting a 3rd and 4th was a big transistion for us. Of course, we have our concerns about how we are going to manage this but overall we are excited and looking forward to completing our family in this wonderful way.

But......what is with people's reactions??? If one more person asks me how I'm doing and then continues to look at me with this look of pity I am going to scream. They look at me like I'm about to break down and cry. I say I'm doing fine and we've gotten over the shock and are really looking forward to it and they look so surprised. I mean really, what am I supposed to do? It just bugs me that I know they go home and talk to other people and say the whole "I'm so glad that's not me".

This pregnancy has been rough enough without dealing with negative reactions. Just once, I would love someone to look shocked but then follow up with a "wow...that's great, you guys are so lucky!" At least our families are fairly positive.

Anyway, I won't vent anymore. I'm going to try to let it go. For some reason the last two days were bringing me down.
post #2 of 37
Yes, way to go! You're going to have two more beautiful people to love in your family. You are blessed and there's really no other way to see it.
I too was shocked with twins and had to deal with one friend in particular who didn't see it as a good thing. My family is just tickled pink to have two babies and it is hard but it is wonderful. Good luck and congrats!
post #3 of 37
I've mostly had positive responses. But perhaps that's because there were so many shocked ones to the news that we were having ANOTHER baby and I pretty much took them down then!

Seriously though, as another mom who was/is having some difficulty transitioning from "we can do ONE more" to "ok, I meant TWO more" I know it's unhelpful to have people act like you're going to crack. I don't need any help doubting myself, thanks people!

post #4 of 37
It seemed like while I was pregnant, I got lots of horrified looks and awful comments. Later, with a stroller full of sleeping goodness, I got the, "awe, I always wanted twins!"

So, just ignore them or have a couple good comments ready. There is also a woman online who has a business card that she hands people when they make nasty comments. I will try to find it.
post #5 of 37
I actually choked the other day when a woman who asked about my pregnancy in the elevator responded to the news that we were having twins with "Well, you better get your tubes tied after this!" She got off the elevator before I found my voice again. :

On the up side, a man at the video store last night shook my hand and said "God bless you!" when he heard.
post #6 of 37
Awww - hugs.

Now is the time to put on your brass brassiere because I'm here to tell you it doesn't end. I still get the "double trouble" and "you've got your hands full" comments given with the full pitying stare.

If you're out and about and you see a mom of young twins with a stony look in her eye and a single-minded purpose about getting where she's going, that's why.

It's not you, it's people.

You'll be fine, they can see their doctors if they need blood pressure help.
post #7 of 37
I totally feel the same way! When I tell people with kids it seems like they all roll their eyes and say "oh my god" as if that is supposed to make me feel better! Or, its the other way around and I get people with no kids gushing about how jelous they are. Its hard, I have a kid, I know its going to be really hard, but at the same time I just started to get excited about having two babies last week (this is about two months after finding out LOL)

One of the best reactions I got was from this woman how works at a local baby shop and she came up to me and said she heard a little rumer about me, that I was having twins. And she just kept saying that she knew it was hard, but she couldnt think of better parents for it to happen to, and she said to call her if she could do anything, and she is a LLL leader and if I needed help breastfeeding she would come over...and she just kept talking about the blessing....it was so convincing that I started to believe it too!

I just have to say this too, I think I am going to feel a lot of ups and downs, but I am trying not to let the downs get too down, I have to remember, that weather I planned this or not, I have two hearing, feeling, growing babies inside me and I can accept that or not, but it doesnt change it.
post #8 of 37
Oh - and - for all the pg-with-twins women here, a note from four years into the journey.

Twins totally and completely rock!! They change your body, your heart, your soul, your life, your priorities! A bumper sticker a friend spotted said it best: I survived the first year with twins. You can't scare me!

Once you've gone through twins you know who you are, you know what you can do in life, you can't be bullied anymore, you just don't put up with any more nonsense, and you love yourself so so much.

Twins are the best!!!
post #9 of 37
:

Welcome to the club!!! One of the first rites of initiation is learning that you will attract many, many unsolicited comments. People feel compelled to say something, anything.... I've heard it all and you will too. Unfortunately it sounds as if you have only heard the negative reactions so far. Those people don't, can't and will never know what you are going through. It's sad because they will never understand the absolute joy of having two babies so they are giving you their piddily two cents about what they think it would be like. No one really knows, except us!!! So try not to let them get you down.

I found the pregnancy time harder to deal with because it is a time of anticipation and of course when you first find out you are nervous, but trust me, once they are here and you are holding them and nursing them you will have no problem knowing you can do this. And I think at that point you will start hearing a lot of the more positive comments. I have heard the nicest things from people, about how blessed we are and how fun it must be and how cool it is to have two..... it's great because sometimes you really need that old lady in the grocery store to tell you how lucky you are!!!

I really liked Elizabeth Lyons' book "Ready or Not, Here We Come!" It is not really AP but she is very funny (IMO) and has a lot of practical advice. She dedicates a whole section of that book to strangers' comments about your twins and how to answer them. My own pet peeve is when people say to me "Oh a boy and a girl, how perfect, now you're done!" How presumptuous to think you know when I'm done having kids!!!!

Sorry such a ramble, just wanted to give a It really is an amazing ride and you should feel nothing but priveledged to be on board!!!
post #10 of 37
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much to everyone for your replies! It really does help. Today was a better day and the couple people that I told were shocked but they seemed happy still. I even talked to another mom who was surprised with triplets when she tried for her 2nd child.

MollyKenzie - "I just have to say this too, I think I am going to feel a lot of ups and downs, but I am trying not to let the downs get too down, I have to remember, that weather I planned this or not, I have two hearing, feeling, growing babies inside me and I can accept that or not, but it doesnt change it. " That's how I feel too! And when I tell people that they kind of get it. I mean, I don't wish that this didn't happen so at some point we need to embrace it. It doesn't mean we won't have our trying moments but we'll survive

AmyY Just a big thank you for posting that!
post #11 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by clovermom View Post
My own pet peeve is when people say to me "Oh a boy and a girl, how perfect, now you're done!" How presumptuous to think you know when I'm done having kids!!!!
I think that's a big part of it too. We have one ds and one dd and it seems like the majority of people we know have stopped at two dc's and they couldn't figure out why we would try for another seeing as we already have one of each.

Thanks for posting!
post #12 of 37
Oh my, you get the 'boy+girl=done' comments even when it's NOT twins. My first was a son and my second was a daughter. If I had a nickle......

I literally get comments EVERY DAY on how I must have my hands full as the eyes wander from my 6 year old, across the faces of my two preschoolers, and then right down to the one year old perched on my large belly. When I remark that it's twins the faces are COMPLETELY worth the comments!
post #13 of 37
We went from two to four also, and we got the most criticism from my family, but from others it was always positive. Now we just get the "four in four years, you guys are nuts" comments.
post #14 of 37
I have gotten all sorts of reactions. I try to focus on the positive ones. We are having two girls, and we have a girl already. People will comment on that, like it's too bad, and I say "It's going to be way too adorable!!!" I, too, was shocked and did some crying when I learned about the twins, only because I really thought it would be "easy" with the second baby, and our finances weren't really prepared for the extra time not working with twins. My husband did want a boy, but I just play up the positive when people ask about that. Our daughter now is not a dress-up, look pretty, take ballet kind of girl. She is really funny, soooo like her dad, runs around with rats in her hair (hates brushing it), and even *shaves* with her Dad. I tell people this and just try to really bring up the feelings of love I have for these girls when talking to them. I have ended up getting jaw dropping sweet comments, from people of all walks of life. When people insist on sticking to the "oh my God!" tack, then I tell them about my DD, who was never an *easy* baby, (or child), but whom I adore nonetheless. I just let them know that we are really strong people who will take all the help we can get (and already we are being flooded with such love and gifting). Everyone is different, and sometimes this is hard for people to understand. Just stick with the thought that you are sooooo blessed, and that everything happens exactly as it's supposed to
post #15 of 37
My partner and I have had all sorts of comments, from "I'm sorry" to "HOLY S**T" to "Better you than me!". I think it's just rude. Having ONE baby is GREAT, having TWO babies is AMAZING! Hard work? I'm sure it will be. But a real gift? Absolutely! Not what we were planning (most people don't) but we're happy for it and looking forward to it. People are just so rude/weird in their responses....as if I said my baby had a heart problem or something----why would you ever say "I'm sorry" to a pregnant woman who was obviously excited!?! Strange..hell, if you're happy with your pregnancy, then I'm happy for you! sammysue78
post #16 of 37
I love this thread! It drives me nuts to hear the things people say. I had a cashier at the pharmacy when I was pregnant say "Oh, you poor thing! That is so terrible. and now if you ever get pregnant again, you'll just have more twins!"
And I also love how people assume that you can't nurse them if you have twins. I always mention that women had twins for millions of years before formula was invented, and they seemed to do okay.

That being said, I also get people telling me all the time how they wish they had twins. And I have to say that four months into it, I can't imagine wishing for this. But these lovely, delicious babies are so awesome and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the whole world. It feels so special to have two at once, and when they find each other's hands when they are nursing, or when they start sucking each other's fingers and smiling at each other it is the best thing in the whole world.
post #17 of 37
We also got some strange comments. I had a hard enough time getting pregnant (took us almost a year of trying) and when we found out at the 8 week ultrasound that there were two of them I did a little football cheer and my dh said "what! wow!". We hope that the next pg is a twin one as well (my dh wants girls next time!) Some people had nasty stuff to say to me, but our families were great. My parents live in a different country, so when we came out of the ultrasound it was past midnight for them. We stood on the street with my cell phone on speaker to tell my mom that there was two of them. You could hear her screaming to my father "wake up, wake up, it's twins!! it's twins!"

Now at 6 months, I still think it is the best blessing. We were at a garden party and I happened to have both of them in my arms looking for dh to take over when a well-meaning older lady came up to me and said something like "you really and literally do have your hands full" to which I replied "Thank gd, and loving every minute of it!" and off I toddled.

Most people are well-meaning, but when they get mean, I just say something like "the gift is given to those who appreciate it" and leave it at that. It usually stops further comments. It is not what other people think of it, it is how YOU feel about it. You can't control people's comments, but you can control how you react to them. They just don't get it, and they never will, so why bother getting upset over it. The only thing you are going to get by getting upset is an ulcer, and that is not good for you or your babes!!

It does get better!
post #18 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by clovermom View Post
:


My own pet peeve is when people say to me "Oh a boy and a girl, how perfect, now you're done!" How presumptuous to think you know when I'm done having kids!!!!
!!

I like to REALLY throw folks for a loop, and tell them that I doubt that we are done yet .... DH and I both are from families with 5 children.

They look at me as if I have 4 heads ..... I love it!!
post #19 of 37
One of my co-workers told me he wouldn't wish twins on his worst enemy! What a clod! (He's still my friend, though, and asks about my boys all the time.)

My twins are 5 now and they've always been beyond wonderful. When people gave me that pitying look or comment, I just replied, "I'm the luckiest mom around." My boys heard those comments and my reaction, and they've internalized how special they are. When people would say "double trouble," I would just laugh and say "and I LOVE it." I'm not sure I changed any attitudes, but the people dumb enough to try to criticize never did it again, knowing they would get that kind of reaction from me. When I got "Better you than me!" my reaction was, "With that attitude, you're absolutely right!" People just don't know what to say to twins and want to comment, so stupid things come out of their mouths.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Twins are so wonderful. They're such a miracle. They teach you so much about the human spirit, about nature vs. nuture, about sibling love, about how you won't die from sleep deprivation. Hang in there!
post #20 of 37
We are in the same boat you are. Had 2 boys, tried for a third baby and ended up with 3 and 4. Most of our friends had happy reactions for us knowing how I'd always wanted many children. I found that the people who weren't so nice were the ones I suspect were envious. One of the moms had 2 boys -10 and 12 yrs old-and had commented once that it would have been fun to have a girl. Her husband was fixed, however, so that was happening. When she found out I was pregnant with twins she never really did say anything very nice. She left a phone message once saying, "I heard some news the other day. Wow, I'm speechless. Hope you are doing well, talk to you soon." Hmmm... what was the point of that call? Another couple were having boys at the same rate we were. Then we both got pregnant with our third pregnancy hoping for a girl. Theirs turned out to be a third boy. When they found out about our girl and boy twins their congratulatory email said something like this: "congrats on the pregnancy! wow twins, it's great you are having a girl but boy, I sure wouldn't want twins. "

All I can say is well, you know what, I'm THRILLED to have twins. It was a very, very tough pregnancy but every time I look at them laying next to each other i can't help thinking, "Oh my God, this is iIncredible! This is soooo rare and so precious. I can't help but think that I've been given this special gift."

You hang in there. Pretty soon you'll be telling yourself the same thing.
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