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anyone have adult children living at home?

post #1 of 53
Thread Starter 
and Idon't mean kids in college....Imean children that are adults in age...but just can't seem to figure out what it means to BE an adult....are afraid to move into the world...get a job....go to school....what have you....anyone???????? I need a support group....or something...anywhere....
post #2 of 53
Mine live with me because I want them to, mainly. They both have jobs and go to school. They don't make enough to pay all their rent in cash, but they certainly pull their weight and help out in other ways. I treat them with the same respect I would any other roommate and hope that they will stay with me for a long, long time.

I don't see it as a sign of immaturity or fear on their part, it's just a difficult world out there and a bit of symbiosis is a good thing. I would need a roommate if dd moved out anyway and I prefer having her and her partner here than a stranger.
post #3 of 53
My 18 yo son is at a crossroads right now. He was registered for upgrading but decided not to go this term, so he isn't in school and isn't working. We'll see how long it goes on - all my kids know that they have one 'free' year of living at home and after that they pay room and board. If they aren't going to school, the time counts toward their free year. So if ds is out of school for Feb to Aug inclusive, that's 7 months towards his free year. If he gets a job hopefully he'll use the free room and board to save up some money. He wants to go to either a trade school or university in September, but may hold off for another year. If he does go to school then he'll still have 5 month of his free year left when he's done. I don't count summers towards the free year if they're in school before and after the summer.
post #4 of 53
Not just yet, but it's very likely that my kids will be home into young adulthood. I've encouraged them to do so, and so far Ds has said that he sees himself being home until at least 19. None of us can see into the future so we don't really know what will happen, and I will be there for them whatever they decide to do, but I can see them being home for a bit.

I don't think it has to mean a young adult is "afriad" to get a job or attend college. Often there is a period of adjustment between teen/kid and adulthood and it can be a little intense sometimes. I hope that my kids will be able to navigate that time smoothly, but I understand that the may need space and/or gentle support or ideas from me too.
post #5 of 53
Well I don't have adult children living here now. But I did for quite awhile. My ds lived with us until he was 26 yo. And his fiance moved in and was here for 3 or 4 years too. They did get a house of their own and move and truthfully, I had mixed feelings. I was sad that they weren't here anymore. But I also found that I got along better with them when they weren't living there...the whole "I have one way of doing things and they have another". YK? Tho I tried real hard not to say "it's MY house and we do things my way" cuz it was also his house for 26 years. And also, my teen dd found it difficult because essentially, she seemed to have 2 sets of parents instead of parents and a brother. That part was hard for her.
But with the state of the economy, and with finances so bad all over, I have told them as well as my adult dd and her family that if push comes to shove, they can move back here. Oh, and I followed that by saying that if that happened, I'd probably move to a cave somewhere. LOL. But I agree....a support group would be nice.
post #6 of 53
My dd is almost 19 and her partner is 21, they have a 2 year old so I am quite happy they are still living with us. Dd very much wants to have her own home but obviously does not have the means. Her partner has had a couple of jobs, but seems to want to spend his money on fun things instead of starting their lives together. I know that frustrates her, but I think she doesn't feel she has any say in the matter (which frustrates me, but that's another story). Her new plan is to start school at the community college and get a grant, she hopes that will be enough money to pay rent. I know she wants to have some independence and feel like she can stand on her own 2 feet. I know however that she needs additional support as far as caring for the baby. So I feel split on the issue, plus I really like having the baby at home ... I would really miss him if I didn't get to see him every day.
post #7 of 53
im 28 but i live with my parents because im disabled/choniclly ill
post #8 of 53
Why does our society see multigenerational living as a problem? Shit, I hope my kids grow up and build a house on our (hypothetical future) land. I dont think living on your own is any better or more pleasing than living with your loving family!
post #9 of 53
I have to agree with earthie. What is wrong with multi-generaltional living.

If your child is taking advantage of you you need to treat him like the adult they are. If you need to have rules to the house have them. He is an adult he can choose to obey them or move. Also, make sure your rules would apply to anyone else that would live with you. Are you being respectful. If he doesn't come home until 2 why is that a problem? If they are bieng loud that is the issue. If you are worring accept that if they were in an apt. you wouldn't know.
post #10 of 53
My sister lived with our parents well into her 20's.

I'd hope my son would want to stay here until he felt ready emotionally and financially to move on. In fact I don't ever really want him to leave home (although, since he's recently become a teenager.... ) but I realise he'll no doubt want his freedom one day.

Oh... and I also hope to have an abundance of beautiful, natural land where we can build a home for him and his future wife and children... assuming he has any. Put my parents in another house... build my sister one if she wants... with a bit of space and privacy in between each and we'd have "heaven on earth", so to speak.
post #11 of 53
If you are afraid that your children aren't moving out just because they are afraid to move on. Give them the same responsibilities they would have if they moved out. My next door neighbor's daughter stayed in the house for 5 years after graduating college. The girl still had to pay rent and utilities, the surprise was her mother never used any of the money her daughter gave her--instead she saved it all and when her daughter moved out she gave her all of her money back plus the bit of interest it accumulated in the bank.
post #12 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by earthie_mama View Post
Why does our society see multigenerational living as a problem? Shit, I hope my kids grow up and build a house on our (hypothetical future) land. I dont think living on your own is any better or more pleasing than living with your loving family!
exactly. And yes I have an adult living at home. One that doesn't even have a job oh the horror. I'm fine with it.
post #13 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal Pegasus View Post
Oh... and I also hope to have an abundance of beautiful, natural land where we can build a home for him and his future wife and children... assuming he has any. Put my parents in another house... build my sister one if she wants... with a bit of space and privacy in between each and we'd have "heaven on earth", so to speak.

Ahhh... my dream as well
post #14 of 53
Anyone read the book by Leonard Sax. "Boys Adrift?" I'm sure much of it applies to girls, too, but so far our experience is with boys because they are the oldest ones of our brood!
We have 7 kids in a blended family(ages 8, 10, 13, 15, 17, 18, 22)- the oldest son, 22, tried college for 2 years, and has been home on and off. The next son, 18, is first year in college and I don't think he'll ever want to live at home again! So far it's working okay- there are minor bumps, but all in all we are happy if ds is happy and productive (doesn't have to be school or a job, but needs to be doing something- like his art work or music) and contributes around the house.
post #15 of 53
My family and I lived (we have 2 boys) with my in-laws for 2 yrs while we saved money for a down payment on a townhome. We have now lived in the townhome for 3 years and are preparing to rent it out and move back in with my in-laws to save money for a downpayment on a house. When we moved out the first time both my in-laws cried even though we were only moving 10 minutes away. To be honest if we could afford a big enough piece of property we wouldn't mind sharing a house with them forever. The benefits to our children of having the bond that they do with their grandparents can not even be put into words.

At the other end of the spectrum, my brother moved back home with my parents and it was horrible. He slept all day, went out all night, and did not contribute to the household at all.

So, I think that the success of adults living at home all has to do with expectations.
post #16 of 53
I would not mind if the children wanted to live at home here and there. I love having them around! I would encourage them to travel and use us as a homebase. I loved that I could travel so much and still find a place to dump my sleeping bag. My dh's parents recieved and paid our bills (with our money!!!) when we backpacked through Europe and more. We can't wait to be the stopping place for our kids as they move about.

We've told our kids that seeing the world is a really awesome thing, and they enjoy looking through the family photo albums. If they needed to be home to save money for an adventure or school etc, we even have a whole cottage for free on the property for them. (The extra house on the land was a major selling point for us, thinking into the future where we could assist our kids).

Our kids seem to be the adventure types. Absolutely we would be there in whatever way possible to help them feel the world is their travel guide. I absolutely want to be the touch-base place as they travel. So far, at least one of our our kids wants to do a stinit in the Peace Corps.

Dh and I have been very lucky. We were able to travel, and we were so greateful that both sets of parents welcomed us back from adventures with open arms. I hope we can be as supportive for our kids. Knowing we always had a home base made all the difference.
post #17 of 53
The idea that adult children living with parents is automatically unhealthy has irked me for a long long time. It may not be for everyone, but I think it can be a wonderful experience.
post #18 of 53
my husband, son and i are living with my parents right now. my husband is unemployed, i am a sahm, who also takes care of my dad, who has Alzheimer's, while my mom works. i try not to have my parents watch my kid while i am here, although my mom loves it. my husband is job and life surfing to find something he wants to do in life. i think if adult children do live at home (still home to me) setting ground rules and expectations are so important for all!
post #19 of 53
There is a difference between multi-generational living, which I am extremely in favor of, and parasitism, which I am against.

-------

Some personal experiences...

I have a 23yo sister who still lives with my parents. She has not attended a class in almost a year. She has worked a handful of days during that time. She gives my parents horrible attitude. She spends half the day sleeping and the other half hanging out with her friends (drinking, drugs, promiscuity). My parents give her money for everything. My parents pay about $10k per year just to keep her covered under their medical plan. And they are just middle class, so this hurts them. She never does housework -- not even to clean up after herself and her friends. She, and they, eat all the food in the house, and drink all the juice/soda and all my parents' alcohol. They leave dirty plates and glasses and napkins everywhere. They get into drunken fights and break things. She has no motivation to ever do anything more with her life than party with her friends.

I've talked to her about this. Does she have so little self-respect that she can continue to suck all my parents' resources and energy and not contribute anything to the family besides negativity and stress? She immediately explodes in anger that she refuses to do anything for them since she feels like they are horrible and only exist to make her suffer. They are the enemy. I have no idea where she gets this from. They do EVERYTHING for her. She has such a nice lifestyle with them and she doesn't appreciate it. She just feels victimized and wronged by the whole universe. She feels like it owes her a pampered life and she doesn't have to make any effort to earn that.

It is hard for the rest of us to understand. We are very motivated and passionate people. We look forward to getting up in the morning because we have more things we want to do in this lifetime than can ever be done.

Her attitude seems to me like the stereotypical teenager 10 years younger than her. I can't really relate to that. I never saw our parents as the enemy. They were extremely non-restrictive and supportive. Any guidelines they had were clearly about safety, not control. We didn't always agree about what was best for me, but it was obvious that their preferences were based on caring about me, not wanting to harm me. They are very giving, and constantly offer her more and more opportunities to explore her interests at their expense. Their feeling about her floundering is that "she's just going to be a late bloomer."

Our landlord's son is similar. They live upstairs and I talk to him a lot. He is 21 and does nothing with his life but have fun with his friends. His father supplies him with everything he needs and wants. Yet still he has this attitude that his father has wronged him and owes him something more. He has a tendency for what I call hyper-self-righteousness. This is where the person can be abusive of the good nature of everyone around him/her without seeing the harm he/she does, and then overreact to the tiniest perceived offense against himself/herself.

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I don't think anyone wants to shove their children out the door. You love them and want to have them around. But you also want them to have some interests they feel passionate about and do something productive with themselves. Is it possible that continuing to indulge these hyper-self-righteous individuals could be providing a safe harbor so attractive that they never leave it, and therefore never venture out to see what the world has to offer? At what point does support become an unhealthy crutch keeping them from ever taking a step towards some kind of accomplishment that would make them feel some self-worth?

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I've heard that "26 is the new 21." Is that true? Maybe. Is it because the world doesn't have space to absorb more people into society -- that they feel there is no room for them -- they are unwanted. Does that create the hostile feelings?
post #20 of 53
I come from a family of adult children living at home. We are Mexican, so my mom preferred that we stay at home as long as we wanted. I've been working since I graduated from college, so I contributed to the family in many ways until I bought my own home when I was 30. My two single sisters still live at home (37 and 45, respectively). They are both gainfully employed and help out alot with taking our father to his many appointments. My brother did take awhile to figure out where he was going. He did not graduate from high school, because he got a job offer in his senior year. But he started moving from job to job (even trying to start his own business) and at one point wasn't working at all. Luckily, he did find something about the same time he met his future wife. That pretty much gave him a reason to stay employed and he's worked through the ranks to become a manager.

I feel living at home can work up to a certain point. But there is something to be said for being on your own to create your own life. I see my sisters "trapped" in old roles and not being allowed to create who they want to be.
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