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anyone have adult children living at home? - Page 2

post #21 of 53
We lived in Europe for six years, where we were exposed to multigenerational families. It is considered normal there to have adult children, their parents, and even the grandparents all living in one home.
We brought that model home to America with us and with our large family, have a beautiful, peaceful home with our adult children who live with us. I have Zach, who will be 22 this year, Jesse age 19, and Jaimie (our adopted niece) age 19 living with us. Our daughter just moved out last summer when she married her husband. The children all have responsibilities which they do cheerfully. They have jobs and go to college. I wouldn't have it any other way. Why should they pay rent when they can live at home and save money? We have plenty of room and everyone has his or her own room. In fact, our oldest son and his wife just moved into their own home with our grandson not more than six months ago. They're both 27.
I don't understand why Americans don't choose the multigenerational family dwelling more. It just makes sense. Everyone saves money, and with a little work, family life is very peaceful. There are always people around to help with whatever needs doing.
It works for us and I think would work for a lot of people who are into gentle parenting of teens and adult children.
post #22 of 53
I live in the same house as my parents. Our house has enough space for three suites, one is a smaller 700sq ft one bedroom for my grandmother who watches my children (we pay her) and another suite of my parents that is 900 sq ft and has two bedrooms and we have the whole upstairs which is 3 bedrooms and 1600sq ft. My parents built the house 11 years ago so they got to choose the layout to incorporate future suites and as I got older they made the renovations. We pay 90% of the mortgage payment which is small anyway and my parents pay the utilities, this arrangement works quite well. The prices of houses has really skyrocketed in the last 10 years and and we could go get a 3 bedroom townhouse for $400,000 but we pay less on the mortgage here so why not save the money for something else. I love that my kids get to see their grandparents everyday and are taken care of by my grandmother who is still fairly young and active. I think it would be really difficult to move now.
post #23 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lissacamille View Post
I don't understand why Americans don't choose the multigenerational family dwelling more. It just makes sense. Everyone saves money, and with a little work, family life is very peaceful. There are always people around to help with whatever needs doing.
It works for us and I think would work for a lot of people who are into gentle parenting of teens and adult children.
:

I am so sick of having to say over and over again that I don't have a problem with the 22 year old living here and if I did, I certainly wouldn't be shy about letting him know. The young couple need to build a life for themselves but with the cost of rent these days, they would have to choose their relationship over their educations if both sets of parents kicked them out.

The reality is that his mother feels the same way about my daughter as I do about her son: we're not losing our children, we're expanding our FAMILIES. My son-in-love surprises me with unexpectedly large rent payments when I most need money and has been worth more than his weight in gold as far as mentoring my teenager, maintaining our automobiles, and doing "husbandly" chores around the house, especially during my pregnancy when I was physically unable to stack wood, do yard work, etc. without it taking forever and being very uncomfortable.

We are very happy with our nontraditional family structure and i only hope that we can find a larger place to live when my sons partners appear in the picture and/or buy a big enough piece of land that my as-yet-unconceived grandchildren by my oldest can live with both grandmothers.

It's symbiosis, not arrested development.
post #24 of 53
Am I the only person addressing the concern in the actual OP? All these stories of posters or their adult children living at home but doing something productive or contributive are kinda irrelevant. Nice to hear, but not really addressing the issue of the moochers.

OP, you wanted a support group, I will be your supporter -- even if it is just the 2 of us.

I hereby create a support group for parents with adult children who are unmotivated, direction-less, un-productive, or non-contributive. Here's to hoping they eventually find their passion!

Being a SISTER but not a parent of one such adult child, I expect it must be kinda frightening to think of how that child will fare when you, the parent, are no longer able to support him/her.

Do you have an approaching retirement? My father is already retired (his job was eliminated, and he wasn't really in a position at 60yo with outdated skills to get another one) and my mother is getting close to the point where she would like to retire, but she doesn't see how she can do that because they are supporting my sis.

Also, my mother's medical plan from work was supposed to cover her until she turned 23. After that, they started paying for COBRA, to keep her covered, but it only lasts 3 years. After that, they would have to pay out of pocket for any medical expenses. They can handle routine medical things, since she is generally healthy, but they are terrified of an accident or major illness that involves any hospitalization. They realize that if she doesn't have insurance and something like that happens, they will have to sign something guaranteeing payment for treatment. Then they could lose all their hard-earned and carefully-saved retirement savings.

My father feels confident that if she could just get her bachelors degree she would have a lot of job options. But I know that a BA is no guarantee. I had a tough time finding a job after I graduated. DH did too. So, at this point my father is gently encouraging her to take classes towards a BA. She has been officially a college student for more than 5 years, and is only about half way towards a bachelors. She has been taking fewer and fewer classes, and now it seems to be none since last spring.

I thought maybe she would feel like the goals were more attainable if they weren't such long-term ones. So I offered to help her with a short-term training program. I figured she could feel like it was less of a huge task, and she would see some progress and have feelings of accomplishment sooner. There are some programs for as little as a few weeks, like getting a bartender's license (i think she would like being a bartender, and be good at it) or as little as 3 months (certified nursing assistant). Then she would feel a bit better about herself, hopefully, and less intimidated by other possible goals. It would also put something on her resume, and give her options past minimum wage. She didn't seem interested in any of my suggestions, because any of them involves actually studying something, and actually having to show up at a job. Both of those actions seem so exhausting and oppressive to her. She really wants to be free forever to just hang out and party.

My concern for her is that if she doesn't learn to swim now, when the flood comes she is going to have it much harder. Eventually she will find herself working a miserable job and living a horrible lifestyle. She prefers not to think ahead and just live for the moment's pleasure. Imagining a future where she may have to get up on a schedule for a job or class is just too horrific to her.
post #25 of 53
I didn't actually realize the thread was about 'mooching' children...I missed that. I am not sure why a fully grown adult would want their parent to support them without offerring to asist...I mean even my older teens have had jobs...or wy they would want to live in Mom's basement without excitment about life. That would worry me. I would consider depression or something or other and encouage the child to maybe speak with someone who is their parent to sort it out.
post #26 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom View Post
I didn't actually realize the thread was about 'mooching' children...I missed that. I am not sure why a fully grown adult would want their parent to support them without offerring to asist...I mean even my older teens have had jobs...or wy they would want to live in Mom's basement without excitment about life. That would worry me. I would consider depression or something or other and encouage the child to maybe speak with someone who is their parent to sort it out.
Somehow this affliction seems to have affected most of my sister's peers too.

I was thinking just a few minutes ago about something I heard Dr. Phil say yesterday. He said that people form an idea in their head about themselves, and then make choices that result in them becoming like that. I think my sister has the idea that she can't do anything. She also has the idea that no decent man would want her, so she goes to meet men in the places that losers hang out and ends up feeling lucky that illiterate junkies showed an interest in her. She sets her sights so extremely low. I think that she isn't sure she has the ability to perform consistently at a class or job.

I also find she is extremely frustrated. She feels like the whole world is full of ridiculous things and hipocrasies and nobody seems to care. Why do adults tolerate things that are obviously so bad?

I guess the world is a pretty depressing place when you feel like there is nothing in it for you.

I also think part of the problem is that these people lack internal motivation. In a world that functions on behavioristic concepts of how to interact with each other, they have become dependent on external motivation. If nobody makes it unpleasant for them to mooch, why should they change that behavior? It is certainly more unpleasant to do anything else, like work or go to school.
post #27 of 53

adult children

multigenerational living is readily accepted in Europe and other countries, but in the US, by many, it is frowned on, what a suprise, so is nursing toddlers, etc..........I believe it works well with a strong family structure......with kids who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, and generally doing nothing, this destroys the family structure and creates stress for the parents, and other family members which makes living peaceful impossible...........now, when the adult children are pulling their weight:, and many do, this creates a wonderful enviroment to build cherished memories...............the price of everything these days, it makes complete sense to live in an extended family structure........PEACE
post #28 of 53
My ex-dh is like this. At 27 years old, he has no stable job, plays video games all day, & is unmotivated to look for a job or even get his GED. If you nag him to study his GED books or go fax out his resume, he gets verbally and physically abusive. When he does work, he will give his mother money, but when he's unemployed, he bums money off of her to buy weed, sports magazines, and porn. When I met him he was living with his mom, stepdad and younger brother but since he had a very good job at the time and was basically paying her rent, it didn't faze me that he lived with her...3 or 4 generations in a household is totally normal to me.

So I'm not the parent of an unmotivated, immature adult, but I was married to one and I sympathize. Even though I believe that he suffers from severe depression because of the absolutely horrible childhood he endured, there is no excuse for a grown man to sit around acting like a 16 year old. Sometimes he just seems like a lost little kid that just needs someone's unconditional love, but then he gets angry when you try to get him help. I begged his mom repeatedly to kick him out so that he would be forced to grow up, but she enables his behavior. Since I left him, he has gone back and forth between his mother and father's house..toting his PS3 and xbox.
post #29 of 53
Well... I'm 24 and maybe a moocher... I don't know. My dh and I live in my parents summer home, and dh plans on getting his BA of Ed. I stay home with our ds, and do some wahm stuff. Have I always been this "productive" and "driven" and had vision for the future. NO.

My parents have a really great attitude about this, and tell people when they give them $%#& over helping their children so much:

20 is the new 40. 20 somethings are expected to have a great job, a degree, a house, a car and a booming portfolio. But a generation ago, and back, people were not expected to be worldly successful and "have it together" until their late 30's ish.

I agree with this idea, which my parents just shared with me recently, when I was feeling so bad that we are just getting our lives "on track". There is so much pressure on young people to succeed, that it's really easy to just tune out and want to rebel and be a kid and do nothing. It's also harder for some people than others to get used to the working world, and it's something that takes time, maturity and life experiences.

Try to give your "moocher" some time to germinate, and maybe they will suprise you soon with great aspirations and dreams. I know I have grown so much from the person I was at 20. I am a harder worker, a more responsible worker and more focused.

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.
post #30 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.
post #31 of 53
All three of my children are over 20 and two of them live here on the property. One son lives with us in our house, and the other lives in a cabin that he and my husband built, up the path.

They both work for a living and contribute regularly to the household by doing chores and contributing to bills, i.e.: they haul wood in for the woodstove because it keeps everyone warm, they contribute to the power bill and the phone bill... they buy food and sometimes cook. They pay their personal expenses such as car insurance. They help with clearing snow and with other maintenance around our property- my husband and I are not getting any younger.

We all pull together and really... with the economy as it is, and as it may be for a time in the future before it gets better, we feel this is not a bad way to live. It works for us.

BONUS: By the way, because we have this arrangement, my husband and I feel darn lucky to have live-in dog and house sitters. We can go on vacations and feel secure that all is well. One time we were gone and strong storm caused a power outage and there was an issue with our waterpump... the guys dealt with it and all was well. Good to know we can leave our home in their hands with peace of mind.

Our daughter, also in her 20's has her own home in a neighboring town with her boyfriend. That is what's right for her. She and her boyfriend work very hard, as do both our sons. Our oldest son has lived on his own several times over the years. We certainly expect he will do so again if/when the time and situation is right, as will our youngest son.

We have no issue whether or not they choose to move on or stay. Either way, we're good.


J.
post #32 of 53
Forgot to say: I think that this nuclear family idea was a big mistake anyhow... y'know the mom and dad and 1.2 kids or whatever it was. I don't much like the culture that it has spawned.

I prefer a more tribal, extended family anyhow where there is always a safety net for all generations.

My mom was born at the beginning of the Great Depression. Her extended family came to live with her and her parents and siblings. She never knew that they were all poor- they had a farm, a garden, worked together and had fun together. Her grandmother lived with them too.

What a wonderful, upbringing that was- and it did have some serious warts, but still was more conducive to relationships- compared to what is accepted as the "norm" today. We have a whole generation- one generation at least- that is so detached that there is some attitude of not caring about anyone else.

And y'know... I cannot say that the accompanying centralization of many cultural infrastructural necessities such as medical care, education and separation of elders from the family and other things that have come about since establishment of the nuclear family, is all particularly positive. Who knows what our culture would be like if after WW2, our culture had developed in a different manner?

I know that is not the only factor in cultural development, and I know my historic perception may be off, but perhaps you see what I am saying. I think that too much emphasis is put on everyone fending for themselves in a one size fits all manner- you're 18 or 21 or whatever age, and now you are OUT. We expect a level of independence from birth in many families- outside those who are a bit radical or resistant and have found value in more compassionate ways of living or whom have found a different practical sensibility.

So be it. That's my two cents...for whatever it is worth. Perhaps it's just ramblings that don't make sense. So be that too.


J.
post #33 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
Well... I'm 24 and maybe a moocher... I don't know. My dh and I live in my parents summer home, and dh plans on getting his BA of Ed. I stay home with our ds, and do some wahm stuff. Have I always been this "productive" and "driven" and had vision for the future. NO.

My parents have a really great attitude about this, and tell people when they give them $%#& over helping their children so much:

20 is the new 40. 20 somethings are expected to have a great job, a degree, a house, a car and a booming portfolio. But a generation ago, and back, people were not expected to be worldly successful and "have it together" until their late 30's ish.

I agree with this idea, which my parents just shared with me recently, when I was feeling so bad that we are just getting our lives "on track". There is so much pressure on young people to succeed, that it's really easy to just tune out and want to rebel and be a kid and do nothing. It's also harder for some people than others to get used to the working world, and it's something that takes time, maturity and life experiences.

Try to give your "moocher" some time to germinate, and maybe they will suprise you soon with great aspirations and dreams. I know I have grown so much from the person I was at 20. I am a harder worker, a more responsible worker and more focused.

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.
You are definitely NOT a moocher. You take care of a living being. Your DH has goals for self-growth. Not what I was talking about AT ALL.
post #34 of 53
Joyce, your kids are absolutely not moochers either.

Not that I have appointed myself the judge of mooching. Just that I don't think what you describe at all resembles the concerns of the OP. I don't think anyone on this thread has expressed any complaints over multigenerational living -- only when the adult children do not either contribute or work towards bettering themselves.
post #35 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
You are definitely NOT a moocher. You take care of a living being. Your DH has goals for self-growth. Not what I was talking about AT ALL.
Thanks ! But I have been a moocher, and have been the 20 something that couldn't hold a job and just wanted to sleep all day and have fun all night kwim? I guess I just think that growing up takes more time than 18 years, you're barely ready to begin growing up at that point.
post #36 of 53
I am 35 years old and live with my parents with my 2 kids and my dog and cat! I certainly am not living here for financial reasons I sold a great house last year (I thought it would take much longer than one month to sell) and wanted support and help with my kids. My husband is a major in the U.S. Air Force and is in Afghanistan for 15 months. He left when my DD#2 was 3 weeks old and I moved at 6 weeks PP into my parents house and sold my home a month later. My parents love seeing the kids every day my DD#1 was born in Japan and my parents did not see her until she was 9 months old. My parents love having us here and I really needed the help last year with my thyroid crashing pp and I got mastitis 5 times in a three month period. My mom helped me so much and now that I am feeling better I am able to help my mom clean, do laundry, grocery shop. My husband will be home in April and we will be moving again maby overseas or half way across the country so my parents will really miss us when we are gone. We might see each other once a year. It has not always been easy for all of us but I am so glad my parents have bonded so well with their gandkids. My dad just turned 84 last month and is very healthy but I still get concerned about his age and I will always be glad I had the opportunity to live here with the kids and spend more time with my parents.
Before all this I did live at home until I was 24 and finally got my degree in nursing. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a living and I went to a junior college for 5.5 years and worked at a grocery store. My sister moved back home a few times in her late 20's swithcing majors and jobs before she finally decided on nursing. I think it is the most difficult decision for a young person to make....which career to make money and enjoy for the rest of your life? Most of my friends at the grocery store worked and went to school and switched majors...it was so frustrating for some they never finished shcool.
post #37 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
Thanks ! But I have been a moocher, and have been the 20 something that couldn't hold a job and just wanted to sleep all day and have fun all night kwim? I guess I just think that growing up takes more time than 18 years, you're barely ready to begin growing up at that point.
Yeah, but why?

There are plenty of examples of people who were mature at 20, or 18, or 16. Not mature like a 40yo, but past that stage of partying and evading all responsibility. I KNOW we humans are capable of that. Look at Admiral Farragut, who first captained a ship at the age of 12! There are a lot of examples that show that children are capable of a lot more than our culture expects.

Is it the cultural expectation that your 20s are supposed to be for nothing but fun that causes this?
post #38 of 53
Quote:
Before all this I did live at home until I was 24 and finally got my degree in nursing. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a living and I went to a junior college for 5.5 years and worked at a grocery store. My sister moved back home a few times in her late 20's swithcing majors and jobs before she finally decided on nursing. I think it is the most difficult decision for a young person to make....which career to make money and enjoy for the rest of your life? Most of my friends at the grocery store worked and went to school and switched majors...it was so frustrating for some they never finished shcool.
I think my parents would be ECSTATIC if my sister showed any interest in ANY possible course of study or potential career. An earning a bit of her own spending cash is more than they could even imagine.
post #39 of 53
doobla postage-ness
post #40 of 53
edited-- not that interested in this convo
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