Originally Posted by susan0314
thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.
i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."
to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.
I used to think exactly like you are thinking. I was going to have her pay rent (we were considering putting it in a separate account so she could use it to get her own place later on), we were going to demand that she contributed in terms of housework, paid some of the food, bought her own shampoo etc. My daughter was also shopping a lot, and it was making me annoyed because while I had to be economical to pay for us all, she was just wasting the money I was saving her.
My thought was that she would realise she might as well get her own place and be her own boss, if we made it just a bit less comfortable for her to stay at home.
But that's not what happened. What happened is that she said she was ok with the conditions we set up for her, but then when she was actually expected to do something, she stalled, argued, developed a horrible attitude - I felt like she was fourteen years old again, and it just got worse and worse. She seemed to resent me more the more I did for her, and the more I did to try to create a workable way of living for us. In the end this - how to help her - took up my thoughts every day, night and day. It was making me resentful, because she has two younger brothers, one of which is only two years old, who also needed and deserved my attention.
I think I should have demanded that she move long ago. It just took me a while to realise that there was no way letting her stay was going to do her any good at all.
Making some demands of your daughter is probably worth a try, but if it doesn't work, I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about telling her to move. Children are, after all, meant to eventually grow up and create their own lives, and your daughter sounds like she is perfecly capable of taking care of herself. My daughter has moved out now, and I really feel like I have done the right thing. Now both of us can get on with our lives.
Btw I think you are right about your daughter not managing to take proper control of her economy while she's living with you.