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anyone have adult children living at home? - Page 3

post #41 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
Yeah, but why?

There are plenty of examples of people who were mature at 20, or 18, or 16. Not mature like a 40yo, but past that stage of partying and evading all responsibility. I KNOW we humans are capable of that. Look at Admiral Farragut, who first captained a ship at the age of 12! There are a lot of examples that show that children are capable of a lot more than our culture expects.

Is it the cultural expectation that your 20s are supposed to be for nothing but fun that causes this?
I'm not sure... I don't believe it's the cultural expectation of partying fun, because I was not raised in that environment at all. For me, I believe that I burnt out at 18. I was so pushed to succeed in school, piano, and everything else that I just broke. I couldn't focus anymore, I was all used up for a while.

I lived in the country, had chores, was very responsible and very "mature" for my age. I went by myself to Panama on a relief trip to orphanages, I taught piano to children at 14... I don't know. I just stopped being able to do all of this.

I think that people who are "successful" at 18, 19, 20 etc. are just naturally driven, or are being pushed. Some people just take more time to come into their own. I also don't believe that children are "getting it easy" these days. I think most mainstream kids have very little childhood, or at least that was my experience, and I see many children who are expected to do hours of homework every night, on top of a million extra-curriculars they are suppose to exell at...

I was just trying to use my life as an example of the good that can come from being patient with your seemingly moochy kid.
post #42 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
I'm not sure... I don't believe it's the cultural expectation of partying fun, because I was not raised in that environment at all. For me, I believe that I burnt out at 18. I was so pushed to succeed in school, piano, and everything else that I just broke. I couldn't focus anymore, I was all used up for a while.

I lived in the country, had chores, was very responsible and very "mature" for my age. I went by myself to Panama on a relief trip to orphanages, I taught piano to children at 14... I don't know. I just stopped being able to do all of this.

I think that people who are "successful" at 18, 19, 20 etc. are just naturally driven, or are being pushed. Some people just take more time to come into their own. I also don't believe that children are "getting it easy" these days. I think most mainstream kids have very little childhood, or at least that was my experience, and I see many children who are expected to do hours of homework every night, on top of a million extra-curriculars they are suppose to exell at...

I was just trying to use my life as an example of the good that can come from being patient with your seemingly moochy kid.
I can see that -- burn out. I felt it too, but was too afraid for my future to give myself a break. So I just got more and more mediocre for a while. Skipped some opportunities for college-level courses during high school and opted for the slightly less demanding equivalents. Half-assed my essays on college applications. Was relieved when they didn't accept me. Chose a not-so-strenuous course of study in NYU. Wasn't ambitious about my career.

I don't see where my sister could claim burn out, though. She has never done anything "extra." She did what was needed to just pass in junior high. She failed everything her first year of high school. She then went back to just passing, except math and spanish and gym which she cut 2/3 of the time and failed. She got accepted to Brooklyn College because of her great SAT scores. (She has a brain, and a good vocabulary from having read a ton until she was about 12.) Then she took about 4 credits per semester (full time is usually 16ish) and failed or barely-passed for a while. Then they sent her a letter that if she doesn't get her GPA above 2 by a certain deadline she was out. She got Bs on a few classes and squeaked by that problem. Then she stopped taking classes at all for almost a year. She SAID she was looking for a job, but when I talked to her it sounded like she had only checked out 3 leads and given up.

Truth is, this is a SPECTACULAR record compared to her friends. Most of them lack basic reading and arithmetic skills. But she seems to have this HUGE potential. Like she could do almost anything if she put her mind to it. She just never puts her mind to anything besides hanging out.
post #43 of 53
Sounds like your sister has not found her niche and truth be told I doubt she will find it in the comfort of the parents home.
I enthusiastically moved out at the age of 17, raised in a house where I got lots of love and support but had to get a job at 14, and definitely HAD to pull my weight in the house. I was a bratty teenager but a bratty teenager that could cook excellent meals, do laundry, and knew how to make a toilet bowl sparkle using vinaigre.
I moved out and struggled like mad, living in a francophone city 10 hours away from my parents house trying to make $$. I didnt go to uni straight away, and have done a bit here and there but in this struggle and in branching out I found my calling, Midwifery, and have developed into a successful hardworking woman who absolutely adores and respects her parents. My brother(19) is about to go to uni and he's terrified but he'll do okay.
I think living with your parents is very situational. I could have/ could not live with my parents as an adult because a)I grew up pretty quickly and developed my own ideals about living that are important to me(ie not living a TV centred life, being calm & low stress) that are very contrary to the way my family lives, b)The place my parents live I have NO desire to live, c)Im nearly ready to get it together and have a family myself in the next few years.
However if my parents place was in a great city I wanted to live in, and I had a path that I could maintain while living with my parents, and they didnt watch so much bloody TV I would consider living with my parents because they are amazing. But for kids who dont seem to do much, dont have a path, and are sort of freaked out at the concept of independance & figuring it out should be pushed out a bit. I also think that kids who don't respect their parents or the sheer expense of living and act like spoiled brats should be pushed out. They just have to try to make rent and feed themselves to get a reality check.
post #44 of 53
If you need a support group, I take it that this arrangement of your adult kids living at home is NOT working for you. Sounds like it's time for your adult children to move out. At some point you can only do so much and then (for some kids) the whole mama bird making the baby bird fly thing needs to happen :-)

Not easy, but good luck.
post #45 of 53
so glad i "came upon" this forum and thread today, as i just had yet another "blow out" with my dd.. i think one of the reasons i feel so upset about this whole situation is that i helped create it.

a little history:
dd is 25 yrs old. just graduated in december with her masters in teaching. fortunately got a job and now makes more money than i do. my dh retired in november. to this day we still pay her car insurance and she doesn't contribute anything to the household...she doesn't wash her own clothes, doesn't cook, shop for groceries, hardly even makes her bed. not to mention she will not help me with keeping the house clean...she always has worked since she's been 16..and besides going to college has maintained at least 2 part-time jobs. of course all the money she has made she has spent...on her loser boyfriend who doesn't work or trying to pay off her credit cards!

i also have a 21 yr old ds who is away at college and works co-op jobs during the summer. he pays for his own food, car insurance and when home keeps his room clean and helps us in the yard!

today the straw broke the camels back when i told my daughter she was going to have to start paying for her own groceries. she got so angry she cursed at me and then left.

now my dh and i DO have an extra acre that we were planning on building a house on so our dd could rent from us (cheap of course) but because of her behavior, disrespect and attitude i really think it would be better for her to get her own place. i think she could afford it.

i have no problem with our children living with us if they "contribute" to the home but it appears that at least with my dd this will not happen (i've asked in the past and she'll do something a couple of times then quit)...

again i know i'm responsible for some of this behavior because i did not set boundaries. just wanted to share and get some other opinions.
post #46 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan0314 View Post
now my dh and i DO have an extra acre that we were planning on building a house on so our dd could rent from us (cheap of course) but because of her behavior, disrespect and attitude i really think it would be better for her to get her own place. i think she could afford it.

i have no problem with our children living with us if they "contribute" to the home but it appears that at least with my dd this will not happen (i've asked in the past and she'll do something a couple of times then quit)...

again i know i'm responsible for some of this behavior because i did not set boundaries. just wanted to share and get some other opinions.
Sounds like we are in about the same situation. My 24 year old daughter could have rented a flat in our house, but I think she is much better off moving out and getting used to taking care of herself. It has been two years now with increasing frustration for all of us. She has finally found herself a flat to rent somewhere else, and she's moving on Wednesday. It was not voluntary on her part - I just couldn't handle anymore of her attitude and lack of contribution. I never thought I would be so happy to have my child move out. It has been really hard for me to get to the point of actually forcing her to move, but I really think it's for the best.

I wish you luck - it sounds like it would be a good idea for you to build that house and rent it to somebody else for a proper price - your daughter will most likely manage fine and will probably feel better about herself when she gets more independant.
post #47 of 53
thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.

i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."

to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.
post #48 of 53
we moved in with my parents last year after a tornado took our home for about 4 months. it was awesome. my mom and i enjoyed the "villageness" of it. It was nice to put a load of laundry in and come back to it folded, and same for mom, if I found clothes that needed laundering, I'd keep the process going. It was like that for everything, trash, dishes, cleaning. It was awesome. They didn't allow us to pay rent but we did contribute groceries and cleaning. I can't imagine letting them do all that. For those of you who have kids freeloading like that I'd be tempted to encourage them to get their own place, too. I'm no spring chicken, though, I'm 30.
post #49 of 53
My 3 brothers and I all lived with my parents at least part of our young adulthood. Mainly because we all get along really well with my parents and they were willing to help us rent-free get on our feet. I lived with my parents off and on until I got married at 23 because I traveled the world on mission trips part time, so that was their way of helping sponsor me. My brother and his wife lived with my parents for 2 years after their marriage, until my brother was 22, his wife 20 and they bought their first home. They were only able to buy a home because my parents let them stay rent free with them, and my brother and SIL both had fulltime jobs and were dilligent to save almost ALL their money. My 21 yr old brother left as soon as he turned 18 though because him and my Dad are too much alike and butt heads all the time. My baby brother also moved out several months after turning 18 as he wanted to experience life on his own as well.

Our situation was different though as we all were doing something responsible with our time/money AND contributing...my brothers worked alot in the yard and in addition to doing my own laundry I kept the guest bathroom I used clean, did the dishes at least a few times a week for my Mom and helped her keep the house clean in general. My parents would NEVER allow lazy free-loading, my Dad taught us a very strong work ethic. If we were like that he would have kicked us out in no time flat.
post #50 of 53
My 3 brothers and I all lived with my parents at least part of our young adulthood. Mainly because we all get along really well with my parents and they were willing to help us rent-free get on our feet. I lived with my parents off and on until I got married at 23 because I traveled the world on mission trips part time, so that was their way of helping sponsor me. My brother and his wife lived with my parents for 2 years after their marriage, until my brother was 22, his wife 20 and they bought their first home. They were only able to buy a home because my parents let them stay rent free with them, and my brother and SIL both had fulltime jobs and were dilligent to save almost ALL their money. My 21 yr old brother left as soon as he turned 18 though because him and my Dad are too much alike and butt heads all the time. My baby brother also moved out several months after turning 18 as he wanted to experience life on his own as well.

Our situation was different though as we all were doing something responsible with our time/money AND contributing...my brothers worked alot in the yard and in addition to doing my own laundry I kept the guest bathroom I used clean, did the dishes at least a few times a week for my Mom and helped her keep the house clean in general. My parents would NEVER allow lazy free-loading, my Dad taught us a very strong work ethic. If we were like that he would have kicked us out in no time flat.
post #51 of 53
My oldest daughter is 24 ,she is still home she does work full time but is just not ready to be on her own ,we are fine with that I figured when she is ready she will move out ,she is great help to the family if I need a babysitter and she is off never a problem ,helps with the house ,my other daughter who is 20 is gone on her own (COLLEGE) has been for 2 years now its just the way each one is .
post #52 of 53
Susan:

"to this day we still pay her car insurance and she doesn't contribute anything to the household...she doesn't wash her own clothes, doesn't cook, shop for groceries, hardly even makes her bed. not to mention she will not help me with keeping the house clean..."

You have GOT to be kidding me! Your daughter has a master's degree - she a teacher, she is an ADULT. Wow, I'm just in shock - what does your husband think about letting DD take, take, take and give nothing in return?
post #53 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan0314 View Post
thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.

i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."

to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.
I used to think exactly like you are thinking. I was going to have her pay rent (we were considering putting it in a separate account so she could use it to get her own place later on), we were going to demand that she contributed in terms of housework, paid some of the food, bought her own shampoo etc. My daughter was also shopping a lot, and it was making me annoyed because while I had to be economical to pay for us all, she was just wasting the money I was saving her.

My thought was that she would realise she might as well get her own place and be her own boss, if we made it just a bit less comfortable for her to stay at home.

But that's not what happened. What happened is that she said she was ok with the conditions we set up for her, but then when she was actually expected to do something, she stalled, argued, developed a horrible attitude - I felt like she was fourteen years old again, and it just got worse and worse. She seemed to resent me more the more I did for her, and the more I did to try to create a workable way of living for us. In the end this - how to help her - took up my thoughts every day, night and day. It was making me resentful, because she has two younger brothers, one of which is only two years old, who also needed and deserved my attention.

I think I should have demanded that she move long ago. It just took me a while to realise that there was no way letting her stay was going to do her any good at all.

Making some demands of your daughter is probably worth a try, but if it doesn't work, I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about telling her to move. Children are, after all, meant to eventually grow up and create their own lives, and your daughter sounds like she is perfecly capable of taking care of herself. My daughter has moved out now, and I really feel like I have done the right thing. Now both of us can get on with our lives.

Btw I think you are right about your daughter not managing to take proper control of her economy while she's living with you.
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