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post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
Just wanted to post a nice story, followed by a vent.

I spent the weekend in the mountains with dp and his son. His son's mom and boyfriend came up for a day and we all went snowboarding together and had lunch. Sooo nice. I love her son so much, and this was the first time I got to spend any time with her. I have read so many horror stories on this board from mothers and stepmothers, so I am glad that this is getting a really good start. I like her, and respect her, and am madly in love with her son's father, so hopefully we can have a great relationship.

On the opposite note, ds's b-day is Saturday and exdh won't let DP come. He said it is either DP or him. Selfish. Really selfish. Ds loves DP so much. At least DP's son is allowed to come. But come on, get used to it! Ds spends so much time with DP, it is sad that DP is not allowed to be there. He is just another person that loves ds, why can't exdh see that? He said he would be "humiliated" if our friends saw him and DP together. I hope he gets over this soon, DP is not going anywhere, he is a huge part of ds's life.

I had a vision of this beautiful, harmonious blended family. Why is it so hard, when we get stuck for the rest of our lives with people we never want to see again? And we are not only stuck with them, but have to make the most important decisions with them in mind. If it were up to me, exdh and I would be great friends, and DP and his ex would be great friends, and we would all just love each other's children and look out for each other. Ce la vie.
post #2 of 20
I'm glad things are going so well with your stepson's mom -- that's great! Hopefully it will continue to be a drama-free relationship.

Regarding your ex, who is throwing your son's party? I'd be really wary of setting the precedent that your ex gets to exclude your partner from major events. My husband had told his ex that he won't show up to any event where I'm unwelcome, and she understands that and doesn't try to plan events that way anymore.

If you can't all get along yet, then maybe two parties would work better for now. Or, if the issue is that he would feel humiliated in front of his friends, maybe it would work better for the two of them to meet in private first so they are past the initial awkwardness? Or have they already done that? Good luck.
post #3 of 20
Thread Starter 
Thanks! He is not my stepson. Yet I thought I would get better support in this forum though than another.

I think it is okay for now, bc ds is only turning 3, and it will be a big deal and he may not notice so much if dp is not there. But next year he will.

And besides that, it just seems like exdh should just suck it up and be okay with it. He is the one that left us. He knows how serious I am about dp, and knows he is not going anywhere.

They have met, breifly when exdh was picking us ds from dp's house a few months ago. Dp was so friendly, invited him in, but exdh just smiled and said "No thanks." Come on!!! AND he tells me that what bothers him the most is that someone else is "#$%#ing his wife." Sorry for the drama, but I need to get it out somewhere, right? This is a man who left his wife and baby four days before Christmas, who cheated on me on our honeymoon AND while I was pregnant, and now he has a problem with the man I am in a serious relationship with? He has known about him from the beginning, has looked at pictures, we have even hung out and I talk a lot about dp. This is not new. I know there is nothing I can do, it is just so frustrating!

I just grew up in a big, nuclear family. I can't get my head around this whole split parent thing. It just seems crazy and unfair to the kids. Why do they have to deal with it? Sorry, I am just a little mad that ds and dp's ds have to ever go through this. I know it is the reality of their life and a lot of children's lives in this country. I still don't like it though, I want something better for them.
post #4 of 20
Hopefully he will just get over it. We have to have two parties, though. Dss is just used to it. He celebrate bdays with his mom's family on one day and with our families on a different day. It might be nice to someday have the celebrations together, but actually it isn't so much and issue of me, dh, ex or her boyfriend, it is more with extended family being judgmental, remembering too much or not moving on. I imagine dh's mother never wants to be in the same room as his ex again, though we obviously have to learn to deal with it. My sister might make some stupid comment, etc.

Dss once said though, "Hey, if you and my dad get divorced I'd get to have three birthdays! One with dad, one with mom and one with you!"
post #5 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Sun View Post
On the opposite note, ds's b-day is Saturday and exdh won't let DP come. He said it is either DP or him. Selfish. Really selfish. Ds loves DP so much. At least DP's son is allowed to come. But come on, get used to it! Ds spends so much time with DP, it is sad that DP is not allowed to be there. He is just another person that loves ds, why can't exdh see that? He said he would be "humiliated" if our friends saw him and DP together. I hope he gets over this soon, DP is not going anywhere, he is a huge part of ds's life.
My stepdaughter's Mother does not "allow" me any involvement in her life as long as she can help it. Some things, like school plays, my Husband insists that I come. Birthday parties, we do seperately, one at our house with our side of the family and one at her house with her side of the family. You'd think it would suck for my stepdaughter (and I'm sure it wouldn't work for every child, every situation), but my stepdaughter loves having two parties. In fact, my son, who's Biological Father is and never was involved, is jealous that he only gets one birthday party a year when his sister gets two! Would that be an optio for your son?
post #6 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by violet_ View Post
I'd be really wary of setting the precedent that your ex gets to exclude your partner from major events.
If DF had gone along with anything like this earlier on in our relationship, it would have been a deal-breaker for me.
post #7 of 20
My Dss's mom does not speak to us in public, looks right through us and will not allow either one of us to cross her doorstep. She tells her son that we will steal things! Not all people can move on and accept other relationships. I wouldn't let your ex call the shots about this party. It is his choice not to be there if your partner is coming, so let him have his choice. My ex has told me he never wants to be in the same room with me again as long as he lives and that includes weddings and funerals. He has a lot of bitterness because I left him though we are civil on the telephone and emails. I hope the relationship with your Dp's ex continues to go well.
post #8 of 20
Thread Starter 
Well, it all went well. dp was very understanding. He got to go snowboarding all day.

His son's mom took him to our party. We talked a lot. I really like her. I wish she and dp did not fight. I realize that I can never talk about dp with her again, it is all too messy. I don't want to get in the middle.

We had a great party. ds and dp's son had a fabulous time together. They act, look, and love each other like brothers. I hate how much I love that. I get scared to love him too much in case it does not, for whatever reason (am a little bit of a pessimist about relationships since exdh) work out.

Dp came over after the party was over and we spent the night hanging out with the boys. Here are the pics. It gets confusing. Exdh is the big redhead. Ds is the little toehead. Dp's son is the 5 yr old blond, and his mom is decorating the cake. Oh, and Dp is the one in the last pictures.

I am trying my best to be good friends with exdh. I just want to have a big extended family, with him included, and dp's son's mom, too. Ah, in a perfect world... At least I know that I love her son to pieces, and she really could love my son that much. But her and dp? And exdh and dp? Man.
post #9 of 20
Does your ex have a partner? I found that the tension went down when dh's ex moved in with someone and had another baby. She wasn't focused on us anymore and we all got along better.
post #10 of 20
I am going to be 100%, completely honest here. Flame me all you want, this is straight-up how I feel.

Your ds's party looks like everyone had lots of fun.

If I were in your dp's position (excluded from the party), and, honestly, even if I were your dp and I was at the party, I would have major issues with the first picture in your set. It is a great picture. But, for my taste, it is a bit intimate. If I saw a picture like that, I would strongly contemplate leaving DF.

JMO.
post #11 of 20
Love the pictures -- thanks for sharing them!

I have to say I'm seriously impressed/surprised how friendly you are with your ex, considering the things you told us (cheating on your honeymoon?!?! wtf!). My guess is your new partner is aware of this disdain? I admit the photo was striking, and a great shot -- I even showed it to DH, mentioning who everyone was. He was surprised, and said "to each their own!"

My view is, if it works for you all, great. Though I'd not blame your DP at all if he had a problem with it, as pinksprkly mentioned. I wouldn't be very ok with my DH and his ex being chummy, but then there is a LOT of bad blood between us. (She told some very big lies about me to some people who had a lot of power over me at work, and they did a number on my career, and I'm still struggling with the fallout.) So it wouldn't work for me, but I'm not your DP.

It's great news, though, that your partner's ex is being so friendly to you. What a relief that must be!
post #12 of 20
Thread Starter 
Interesting. I am just so new to all this. I have no conception of how it should be, just what I would like it to be.

The first time I went over to dp's house I was so impressed-it was literally covered with framed photos of his son from birth to 5. In his son's room were framed photographs of he and his son's mom when they were together and when she was pregnant. I loved it. It showed his son that he was conceived in love.

So, I want ds to see that he was conceived in love, and that his father and I can share the love we have for him.

But, you are right, I am so blind sometimes. The morning after dp told me he was in love with me for the first time (I did not say it back at the time bc we had only been together a month and I was being cautious), I went over to ex's house to get ds. He said he wanted to get back together (wtf? coincidence?). I obviously said he was too late, but then I went out to breakfast with dp, and told him that I wanted to be honest and still was in love with ex a little, but that I would never get back together with him.

How freaking inconsiderate am I? He told me he understood, and that it made perfect sense since it is ds's dad.

Months later he told me it actually did bother him. He had really opened himself up to me by telling me that he was in love with me and then I not only did not say it back, but told him I loved someone else. Ex tried for several more months to get back together, too. I *think* he is done with that now.

So, this is similar, maybe? I DON'T KNOW!!!! This whole blending of families thing really messes me up. It is a sweet picture. I look at it and think that ds will see it some day and know how much we both loved him, even if we did not love each other anymore.

I am so lost about all this. I have no idea what I am doing. Dp is not the jealous type at all. He is so respectful, loving, appreciative, and just so good to me.

I am still a bit resentful of exdh for what he did during our marraige, but I have had time to work through that and get past it for ds's sake. I don't have a romantic relationship with exdh anymore, so I am trying to form a frendship with him for ds's benefit.

I have this vision of he and his son's mom getting along, and ex and I getting along, and us being a big, happy family. Those two boys are exceptionally beautiful. How could we not want what is best for them?

Dp's son's mom told me that on the way to the party he asked her "why are my mom and dad the only mom and dad in the world that don't like each other?"

That kills me.

I don't want to do that to ds.

I just have no idea what I am doing. Should I try to be good friends with everyone? What is best for ds?
post #13 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Sun View Post
I just have no idea what I am doing. Should I try to be good friends with everyone? What is best for ds?
Heck, yeah!

I also wish we could all have Christmas and birthdays together. I actually could hang out with dh's ex fine. We both have kids about the same age and I used to bring ds over to play with her boys, but things are so up and down. I don't trust her, but I could be friendly for dss.

I can't in a million years imagine dh and his ex having a picture like that, but I think it is wonderful that you two can do that and that your dp isn't jealous. Maybe because you both have children? I didn't have any children when I married dh so I might I felt very insecure had I seen them like that. I think that as long as the children understand that you are not getting back together then a friendly relationship-- even an actual friendship-- is wonderful.
post #14 of 20
Thread Starter 
Well, I have the craziest ex in the world! I don't know if I am just making this up or what, but:

Dp's dad and step mom are in town. We went snowboarding yesterday, and on the way up the mt I called ex to say hi to ds. Ds started crying when Dp's son talked to him on the phone and said we were in the mts.

I don't know if ds was upset bc I was in the mts without him (he hates it when I go up without him, but he is only 3!), or if he was upset bc I was spending the day with dp's son and not him.

Nevertheless, ex called me back and told me ds was very sick, running a high fever. Normally, I would rush over there and get him, but we were two hours away, taking dp's parents skiing for the first time. I knew he was fine with his dad.

All day I got these angry calls from ex, trying to get me to come home. He was just soooo angry. To top it off, we got stuck in traffic and I was an 1 1/2 late. I had a babysitter ready at my house to take ds at the scheduled time since I was late, but he would not allow it.

So, he drops ds off, and he is fine! No fever, running around playing with dp's son, happy! Did he lie to me?

I think he was really upset that I was spending all that time with dp and his parents. I have been posting family-like photos on the blog of dp, dp's son, and ds and I.

Also, at the party, he saw how dp's son is like my son. He sees that I have a very similar relationship to dp's son as to ds. And I do-I love dp's son a lot, and try to treat him like I treat ds. So basically, he sees that I have already created another little family. He has always known that this is what I wanted. He left me. He cheated on me. I am just moving on!

So, what should I do? He is in one of his rageful moods. I don't know how to handle this. I feel so unsafe. He won't hurt me-but I don't know how I will handle one of his rages again. I am just so freaking sick of dealing with those! I wish he were just a stable, sane man. He goes from being my best friend to being my worst enemy-and it set off by very small things.

I think the best thing is to get the divorce finally put through. I have been putting it off bc I am sick and need his insurance. But the uncertainty is so not worth it.

And I am so in love with dp, I think it is unfair to him that I am still technically married.

Pls tell me how you deal with your rageful ex's.
post #15 of 20
Oh Stacey, I wish your ex was the craziest in the world! I mean, not that you'd deserve it, but I wish the limit of crazy was pretending the kid is sick in order to interrupt your family time! I mean geez, DH's ex called the cops on us for teaching DSD the correct terminology for her own body parts! Seriously. And this was also in response to us having more family time -- when she heard we were taking a vacation together, she flipped and decided to be upset about DH having told his daughter what her parts are called A YEAR EARLIER so she stirred up a little drama there. So yes, some exes have trouble moving on. Unfortunately, it sounds typical.

He sounds awful, both in your previous descriptions and in this one especially. What a big baby.

My own ex was rageful like yours, and all I can say is legalize your divorce as soon as you can. For some people (maybe including your ex), moving on and healing don't really begin until the papers are signed. It sounds like you need to disentangle from this guy in every way you can.
post #16 of 20
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Violet. We'll, we basically have been avoiding each other since that happened. Which is good. Low conflict. He is just so angry when he talks to me, even about simple things.

I went over there last night and gave him the divorce papers. We set up an appointment for Tuesday night to go through them and then we'll file this week.

He said that filing them would helo him move on. He also said that the girls he dates do not like the fact that he is still married. So hopefully this will help.

I had therapy on Thursday and processed a lot of this, which is good. I realized that, at this moment in time, he can not be my friend, and he can not be part of this big happy family I envision with him, ds, dp, dp's son and son's mom. Such is life. I am sucha sucker, bc I feel bad for him. He does not really have a lot of people in his life, and I am one of the few that really care about him. I just hate to think of him as having no one really there for him. Esp since his mom is sick and dying.

Ah, the difficulties of both loving and hating someone.
post #17 of 20
[QUOTE=Spring Sun;10564156]

I had therapy on Thursday and processed a lot of this, which is good. I realized that, at this moment in time, he can not be my friend, and he can not be part of this big happy family I envision with him, ds, dp, dp's son and son's mom. Such is life. [QUOTE]


But this might happen eventually. I think it is a noble goal. It gets easier when the emotions get older.
post #18 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I am going to be 100%, completely honest here. Flame me all you want, this is straight-up how I feel.

Your ds's party looks like everyone had lots of fun.

If I were in your dp's position (excluded from the party), and, honestly, even if I were your dp and I was at the party, I would have major issues with the first picture in your set. It is a great picture. But, for my taste, it is a bit intimate. If I saw a picture like that, I would strongly contemplate leaving DF.

JMO.
pink, you have to remember that appearances may not be what they seem. When my XH drops off or comes to pick up our daughter, we sometimes have moments like that. Believe me, they're all for dd, who loves it like nothing else when she can be close to both of us at the same time. My preference would be...um...not to be within 100 mi of the guy ever again. And I'm guessing he's not too crazy about me. Both of us love her, though, so we suck it up for her.
post #19 of 20
I have to say that you guys all seem so well adjusted and like you actually get along with the exes. I'm in one of those situations where DSS's mom has openly said that if I show up anywhere that she is, she will leave, because she shouldn't have to "deal" with me. To this day, I have never met her in person and DH and I are together almost 5 years, married 3 with 2 kids of our own.

I have visions of it being DSS's wedding and her telling him that if he invites me, she won't attend.
post #20 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by kkj323 View Post
To this day, I have never met her in person and DH and I are together almost 5 years, married 3 with 2 kids of our own.
Count blessings.

Actually there was a good long time when I refused to meet or be anywhere near XH's parents. He was disabled by a mental illness, they were both psychologists living nearby, and they refused to believe there was anything seriously wrong with him. We'd had a baby (before I realized how serious his problems were), and my in-laws got very upset when I said I couldn't leave the baby with him -- not because he meant to harm her, but because he was too out of it to notice/respond if something went wrong. I was completely burnt out taking care of the baby and the man. The in-laws would promise to come over and help, and then "forget" or flake ten minutes before they were supposed to arrive. Eventually his illness became at least partly my fault.

After a while I just refused to be around when they were here. I had enough trouble to deal with, and I didn't need to be angry, too. When they arrived, I'd leave the house and go get coffee, and when they were ready to go I'd come back, go in the back door, and wait for them to leave. I'm sure they were vastly insulted and that it proved to them I was six kinds of pathological, but that wasn't my problem.

Now I haven't seen them in...three years? except for the time they came to help XH move his things out, even though they're local and dd sees them every weekend. When they came for the move-out, they wouldn't look me in the eye and were very nervous around me -- God knows what they believe of me at this point. I'd like things to be friendlier, but must admit that it's nice not having to deal with them or worry about what's going to insult or offend them, or what I'm not supposed to say out loud.

What's nice, though, is that now that I'm out of the picture, they appear to have stepped up for XH. He spends a lot of time at their place, they call him all the time, they got furniture for him, etc. Maybe they were just hoping I'd take all of that work off their hands, and were upset that I wasn't sucking it up, and was talking about it out loud.
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