getting flak from family and friends

[babysanchez614]

this is my first pregnancy and i have decided to use a midwife for a homebirth. i was gung-ho up until now...my two friends who are new mothers themselves rant about the "pain", my mom, and other friends who are very worried and skeptical about my decision to do a homebirth, they're starting to scare me!!! they keep asking me "what if this happens, what if that happens, what if you can't handle the pain, what do you do?" and i dont really know how to answer them...

anyone else deal/dealt with this? how did you handle it?

[paquerette]

I got to a point where I refused to talk about childbirth with unsympathetic people. As soon as they'd try to bring any of that sort of stuff up, I'd tell them I wasn't interested in discussing it with them, then leave or hang up the phone if necessary if they still wouldn't stop. It's your life, your body, your decision. They're entitled to their opinion but that doesn't mean that you're required to listen to it.

[alegna]

I agree, just don't talk to them.

Personally I think I found the pain much more manageable BECAUSE I was at home in my own space. So maybe just remind yourself that they don't know what they're talking about

-Angela

[melanie_rabbitbarn]

One thing to remember--and to remind them--is that you are not refusing medical care. You have just chosen a different level than what is expected in this culture. (Kind of like having the ambulance parked at a sporting event or a life guard at the pool--you have midwives there to take care of emergencies, but you don't need the full hospital staff right there.) Some people equate homebirth with a midwife to birth in the wild west 150 years ago where there was no option in the rare case that something went wrong. Homebirth today is just so different. Especially where I am, backup is really good and true emergencies are really rare.

Also, for the pain issue--that's not an emergency. You find & research natural pain relief methods (birthing pool, shower, hypnobirthing, lamaze, whatever) and if you end up needing pain medication--no big deal. Transfer to the hospital. At least you gave it a try and did not give in to fear before you even went into labor!

And what a PP said: just don't discuss it. My Mom is not happy with my choice, but we just don't discuss homebirth and most of our conversations are great.

[dogmom327]

I would agree that not talking to them about it would be the best option, but just in case you can't/won't do that...

For the friends going on about the pain, I found a good strategy was to point out how drastically different it will be to give birth at home and how these differences generally mean less pain or at least more manageable pain. These differences include the ability to move around and get in any position (I stood up during contractions to take pressure off my hips), having a support person or team completely focused on you (to wait on you hand and foot, rub your back, apply counter pressure on your back, etc.), being able to eat and drink during labor so you have energy to go on, having your own pool which many women find provides amazing pain relief.

For your mom, could she maybe attend one of your prenatal visits and ask the midwife questions? Mom's are hard sometimes. Although sometimes we have to shut them out, it's probably preferable to treat them like a DP and help them become comfortable to the greatest extent possible. A midwife should be able to explain (in detail if necessary) how emergencies are handled and how many emergencies they actually see.

Ultimately, remember that your peace during this pregnancy is paramount and whatever you need to do to maintain that peace is okay

[babysanchez614]

Thank you so much for all your replies! I guess I just needed to hear some reassurance from others because I don't seem to be getting that elsewhere.:

I agree, I think it's best I just keep quiet about it and divert the topic whenever it is brought up. I had to tell DH to do that in future because luckily he is a huge supporter but doesn't have the greatest of discretion when discussing these things in front of others...because unless the person is really interested in learning more, it seems pointless to even try and explain it.

I'm just surprised at my friends who are worried enough to tell me their opinion knowing very lil about labor and birth, but not worried enough to do the research and find out the risks/advantages for themselves.

Thanks again!

[sapphire_chan]

I find it interesting that many women who have had homebirths describe birth as a joyful experience they wish they could do again and feel that every woman has the potential to have the same wonderful experience while many women who have had hospital births present them as a horrendous trial they are relieved to have gotten through and feel that all women will have a hideously painful experience unless given drugs.

I know they don't necessarily have to happen like that, some people have unpleasant homebirths and some people have pleasant hospital births, but all things considered the hospital crowd make a lousy case for their side.

Also remember the line:
"No scary birth stories please, my baby is listening."

[barefootpoetry]

Ask them to do at least a tenth of the research I'm sure you've done before they start throwing scare tactics at you. The average layperson isn't too educated on the subject of homebirth, and therefore is terrified of such a notion, because we fear what we don't understand.

I researched my little head off before I even dared broaching the subject of homebirth with DH. He gave me the same rigamarole: "What if this happens? What if that happens? What if what if what if?" And each time, thanks to all the reading I'd done, I was able to give a reasonable, safe solution to each "catastrophe" he came up with. And in the ultimate worst-case scenarios he dreamed up, I just said, "Then we'll go to the hospital." Simple as that.

Now, that was my DH, not my friends. Of course DH will be at the birth. I'm guessing your friends won't be. So there's really no need to exert yourself to prove a point to them. Chances are it will be in vain anyway, because most people are so well-trained to view the medical community as gods that they will always shun anything different. I agree with the PPs....ignore them, change the subject, or at the very least, tell them, "I'm glad to hear you're supportive of my decision" before walking away.

[StrawHatBrat]

Don't talk to them about it!!!

You can do it. The reason I know is because *I* did it. After 3 hospital births with epidurals one of which failed and was a miserable birth.....

going in to a home birth is so much different. Yeah... it hurt. But I was prepared this time, and I was happy to be doing it this time. Your midwife monitors you and the baby and can catch problems BEFORE it's too late and if needed there is hospital transfer. When people would say something to me about the what if's, I just told them that we were 5 minutes away from a hospital.

[GracesMama]

When I first decided to do a homebirth, I had a lot of "what if" questions myself, so I researched them and asked my midwife what she would do in each situation. I felt very comfortable with my decision after doing the research and talking to my midwife. Now, when family or friends ask the "what if" questions, I have answers for them. You'll probably feel a lot better when you have the answers for yourself.

[jaceycat24]

i am going through the same thing and because i am a vbac i get the once a csection always a csection remark alot.
i have begun not talking to much about it. the ones who do know also have heard me say if my cat and dog can handle the pain of birth i can too. its my mantra lol. its not like i would send my dog to the vet to give birth i would just stay and comfort her. i think we forget that we are mammals too and just as capable as any other animal in nature to give birth naturally.

[dianna11]

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but if your friends gave birth in a hospital, they were likely given pitocin, which makes the contractions harder and they were likely put on their backs, which closes up the pelvis and makes things even harder, longer and infinitely more painful because they may have been working against gravity. Again, totally speculating, but everyone I know who has had a typical hospital birth (with OB's not midwives) can only talk about the pain and horror of the experience.

It really is a whole different situation when you are with people who all know that you can do it, and all of you trust your body to do what it is meant to do. Yes, it's painful, but it's manageable, and it's over eventually. With a home birth, you are likely going to come away from it with a wonderful feeling of security, and strength, instead of horror stories about pain and feeling like you need to scare everyone and make them miserable anticipating what would otherwise be a wonderful, natural event.

[Treeof3]

ITA... I have heard countless "horror" stories from my hospital birthing crew. But there is only one bad hb story that I have heard and that was bc the mw made some seriously bad decisions and the woman knew that that was the cause of the negative experience - not choosing hb itself.

I had my first drug free in a hospital and it was alright. But it cannot compare to the calmness, reduced pain and reduced recovery period having birthed my second at home. I would seriously never go back.

I try to tell people reasonably about my decision when they ask. BUT if they get all hairy on me I just play it off like I am a "crazy treehugger" and that usually makes people lay off. Sometimes I stretch the truth a bit by embellishing my "weirdness"to make them speechless. I am perfectly OK with people thinking I am too weird to talk about my birth decisions with them.

Hang in there. In the end, when you are raring to have another baby like 2 months pp and your friends are hardly even wanting to have sex... That will be the telling difference!

[TurboClaudia]

I think the word you want in the title of your thread here is "flak," not "slack"...

[MamaVolpe]

If all else fails send them my way, I love to debate but have not found anyone to debate with. Every one I know supports me and has had no negative comments about homebirth. Some had questions that I would gladly answer but non tried to talke me out of it. So I have no one to debate with Feel free to send all of your people problems to me

[prettymom]

I think that is a natural initial reaction for people who are uneducated about homebirth. I don't think there is a need to get defensive about your decision. If it is someone you know and care about, tell them about the exciting things you've learned about homebirth. Invite them to research it too. If they continue to be difficult, you don't have to engage in the conversation with them. But if it is the first time they have ever heard of a woman birthing at home, of course they are going to be surprised. You get to be the one that shows them how it is normal and safe.

[moonfirefaery]

If you don't know how to answer them I think you need to do more research, just to be informed.

[NaomiMcC]

Originally Posted by paquerette

I got to a point where I refused to talk about childbirth with unsympathetic people. As soon as they'd try to bring any of that sort of stuff up, I'd tell them I wasn't interested in discussing it with them, then leave or hang up the phone if necessary if they still wouldn't stop. It's your life, your body, your decision. They're entitled to their opinion but that doesn't mean that you're required to listen to it.

That's exactly what i did!

[raelize]

start carrying around henci goer's thinking womans guide to childbirth, some ina may stuff, adn any other articles or books that support your decision in a rational way. then when people start going on about your birth or hb or their pain, whip the books out and say, "i am so glad you are interested, i brought some reading for you. let's talk about it after you've read this." do it with a big open smile on your face. it will totally shut them up cause 1) it will show you have done the research, 2) it will intimidate them cause they don't really want to learn anything they just want to bother you. and, best case scenario they will take you up on the offer and then they will be on your side.

i did this with toddler nursing and nursing while pregnant with my in laws. they all thougth i was crazy. none of them read anything, but it didn't come up agian. and i did it with such a happy smile no one could say i was being rude or avioding anything.

[Genesis]

I agree with the others, don't talk about it at all with any of them. Read as many books on natural childbirth and midwifery/homebirth as you can, and trust in your ability to safely and naturally birth your baby at home. I had my 1st (and only so far) at home as well, and it was very difficult, but it was also wonderful and peaceful for me and my baby and DH and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Good luck!