A new mom vent thread.

[othersomethings]

*(sorry...I never swear like this. sometimes I say crap - I guess I'm really feeling out of control!)

2wks and 1 day old. I know baby blues are normal blah blah blah, but I don't feel like it's baby blues. I just feel like...a mess.

I didn't know babies got hiccups SO MUCH. She needs to burp, but she hiccups instead.

Why doesn't she have eyebrows? Does your baby have eyebrows? Is that normal?

How on earth did she get a bruise on her wrist?! what the hell is going on in the 2 minutes a day that I'm not holding her that she could get a bruise!?

How long before I can go to the bathroom without holding her? eat with both hands again? sleep for more than 30 minutes at a stretch? not feel guilty for wanting to put her down because I want to savor every one of these moments and yet I also want to not be such a wreck?

How long before I don't feel like crying from being so confused and feeling like a complete failure for not knowing what to do or that what I AM doing is OK?

Is she sleeping too much? would she sleep better if we put her in her bassinet instead of co-sleeping? (which totally happened on accident, BTW.) Is she eating at the wrong times? why do some people say feeding on demand is bad and others say it's necessary...who the hell do I believe?! how on earth is a 2 week old supposed to be on a routine...if she wants to sleep, she sleeps - and there's not much I can do about it short of dousing her in cold water! If she's smacking her lips and arching her back and devouring her fingers while searching desperately for my boobs...doesn't that mean she needs to eat, even if she ate only an hour ago?

How many times is my husband going to rush into the room when he hears her start to cry, and ask me what I'm doing to her? Like I would be intentionally making her cry - just for the hell of it. I'm a mean mom, let's see how loud we can make her wail!

As soon as he walks out the door I start sobbing. I need him so much, even when he doesn't understand. And he should know better than to ask me why I'm crying!

*sigh*

thanks for the vent. I'm going to go cry with my daughter now. We're a pathetic pair.

[Cuau]

hugs mama, it's hard but you have to trust yourself. You are not a failure you are the best mama for Ella.

Can someone help you, like hold her while you take a shower or you eat something, or take a nap. It really does make a difference. Even if its only for 30 mins. Find out if any friend can help out.

hughs

[Mamazon]

Originally Posted by othersomethings

*(sorry...I never swear like this. sometimes I say crap - I guess I'm really feeling out of control!)

2wks and 1 day old. I know baby blues are normal blah blah blah, but I don't feel like it's baby blues. I just feel like...a mess.

I didn't know babies got hiccups SO MUCH. She needs to burp, but she hiccups instead.

Why doesn't she have eyebrows? Does your baby have eyebrows? Is that normal?

How on earth did she get a bruise on her wrist?! what the hell is going on in the 2 minutes a day that I'm not holding her that she could get a bruise!?

How long before I can go to the bathroom without holding her? eat with both hands again? sleep for more than 30 minutes at a stretch? not feel guilty for wanting to put her down because I want to savor every one of these moments and yet I also want to not be such a wreck?

How long before I don't feel like crying from being so confused and feeling like a complete failure for not knowing what to do or that what I AM doing is OK?

Is she sleeping too much? would she sleep better if we put her in her bassinet instead of co-sleeping? (which totally happened on accident, BTW.) Is she eating at the wrong times? why do some people say feeding on demand is bad and others say it's necessary...who the hell do I believe?! how on earth is a 2 week old supposed to be on a routine...if she wants to sleep, she sleeps - and there's not much I can do about it short of dousing her in cold water! If she's smacking her lips and arching her back and devouring her fingers while searching desperately for my boobs...doesn't that mean she needs to eat, even if she ate only an hour ago?

How many times is my husband going to rush into the room when he hears her start to cry, and ask me what I'm doing to her? Like I would be intentionally making her cry - just for the hell of it. I'm a mean mom, let's see how loud we can make her wail!

As soon as he walks out the door I start sobbing. I need him so much, even when he doesn't understand. And he should know better than to ask me why I'm crying!

*sigh*

thanks for the vent. I'm going to go cry with my daughter now. We're a pathetic pair.

Welcome to Motherhood! hiccups are quite normal since the diaphram is still immature compared to ours.. in the womb they got them all the time to help practive breathing and now that they do breath air it gets jumbled easier.. it does get better.. some babies get them easier than others.. they will eventually outgrow it.

eyebrows.. both my kids didn't get eyebrows until they were much older.. at least a few months.. I know some kids that are born with a head full of black hair turn out to be tow heads.. Aidan was blond and now I notice that he is more ash blond and his eyebrows are darker

What you are feeling is completely NORMAL mama!! It does get better.. not overnight but it does get better..
My preference for Nursing is ON DEMAND.. BM is digested quicker than formula so yes every hour or 2 is completely normal and some babies are pigs.

schedules.. throw it out the window.. actually don't put a clock in your bedroom either.. it will only drive you nuts in early morning feedings..

Each baby is different with schedules and she will fall into her own schedule.. both my kids have different ones and it worked out fine for everyone. My dd went to daycare when she was 6 wks old and she was on *that* schedule. I was/am a SAHM with my DS and he made his own schedule. (I was lucky he did it around DD school time with naps) all on his own. to this day he still pretty much keeps his schedule.

[neverdoingitagain]

bolding mine

Originally Posted by othersomethings

*(sorry...I never swear like this. sometimes I say crap - I guess I'm really feeling out of control!)

2wks and 1 day old. I know baby blues are normal blah blah blah, but I don't feel like it's baby blues. I just feel like...a mess.
thats normal! The only reason I wasn't a mess 2w pp is because my mother and dh were here. Even now, my dh is home. Having help, helps. If you don't, then yes, you are going go to a little batty.

I didn't know babies got hiccups SO MUCH. She needs to burp, but she hiccups instead.
burps..hiccups, its all the same Just pretend its a sign she's growing

Why doesn't she have eyebrows? Does your baby have eyebrows? Is that normal? Is she blonde? Mine didn't for awhile, but they've grown in and are getting darker. Its very normal.

How on earth did she get a bruise on her wrist?! what the hell is going on in the 2 minutes a day that I'm not holding her that she could get a bruise!?No clue, but I'm sure its ok.

How long before I can go to the bathroom without holding her? eat with both hands again? sleep for more than 30 minutes at a stretch? not feel guilty for wanting to put her down because I want to savor every one of these moments and yet I also want to not be such a wreck?
When they start sitting up on their own,When they're about 6 months old, in a couple months, and now. Its ok to put her down for a couple minutes if you need to. Or use a sling and you've pretty much fixed all of these problems.

How long before I don't feel like crying from being so confused and feeling like a complete failure for not knowing what to do or that what I AM doing is OK?
when you get a little more sleep, your baby is gaining, and pretty much when your baby has grown up and is just fine. Which, ultimately, she will be. This will pass!
Is she sleeping too much?
Is she waking to eat approx. every 2-3 hours?
would she sleep better if we put her in her bassinet instead of co-sleeping? (which totally happened on accident, BTW.) probably not, in fact, she probably sleeps better being so close.
Is she eating at the wrong times?there is no wrong time, besides she can't tell time
why do some people say feeding on demand is bad and others say it's necessary...who the hell do I believe?! the feed on demand people. scientific fact.And a hell of alot easier on you.Milk supply and all
how on earth is a 2 week old supposed to be on a routine...if she wants to sleep, she sleeps - and there's not much I can do about it short of dousing her in cold water!
Routine? who the heck told you that? Laugh at their noobishness. Routines are for stress and who needs stress?
If she's smacking her lips and arching her back and devouring her fingers while searching desperately for my boobs...doesn't that mean she needs to eat, even if she ate only an hour ago?
Yup, breastmilk digests in 90 minutes, and the clock starts tickin when you START the feeding, not when they're done
How many times is my husband going to rush into the room when he hears her start to cry, and ask me what I'm doing to her? Like I would be intentionally making her cry - just for the hell of it. I'm a mean mom, let's see how loud we can make her wail! umm for the rest of her life, pretty much. But I suggest you tell him that phrasing is making you feel like crap. Better phrasing "what going on? Do you need help, honey?" or "everything ok?"

As soon as he walks out the door I start sobbing. I need him so much, even when he doesn't understand. And he should know better than to ask me why I'm crying!
talk to him. tell him what you are afraid of, and why you are so stressed out. Or hand him the baby and go for a 15 minute walk. It'll be the longest 15 minutes of your little family's life, but everyone will learn alot.
*sigh*


thanks for the vent. I'm going to go cry with my daughter now. We're a pathetic pair.


No, you're not. You are normal. You are a FTM, coming down from alot of hormones with limited help. And you are doing fine. No, better than fine, you're doing great. Many women don't say a thing and you are letting people know. That takes guts I wish I could be there to help you, but frankly, I think having 2 other children around would stress you out more Lords knows it does me :

ETA: I thought I should mention my own experience with poor phrasing.
my dh would come home after work and say to me "what did you do today?"
After a couple months of this, I was feeling pretty worthless and pathetic. I would try to clean up the house, do all sorts of projects so it would look like I was very productive..and I just couldn't do it. I was taking care of a tiny high needs baby and I barely had time to eat, let along be uber-productive. I became very resentful of my dh and was stressed out. We ended up having a long talk about it. Turns out he just wanted to know how I was doing, and I was hearing "this place is a mess, don't you do anything? you're lazy and you should be working"
All from one little phrase.
He changed it to "how was your day?"

[othersomethings]

thanks for the encouragement. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this with a new baby, but I totally underestimated how overwhelming everything is.

One of my good friends just had her first a few months ago, and is totally uncrunchy. But what she is doing (baby whisperer methods, I believe. She lent me the book and I just cried through the whole thing.) is really working for them. I look at myself and think "geez, am I making the wrong choices? how does she get things to work for herself?" but maybe if I just tried harder I could make something like that work for us. But then would I be neglecting my baby's needs? And if I swing over to the other side and stick to AP methods...am I setting us up for more difficult times as she gets older?

I just don't know. This has been making me on the verge of tears for two days now.

I'm relieved to know about the eyebrows. I actually was searching through all the baby pics this DDC has posted so far to see if other babies have eyebrows or not!!!

[neverdoingitagain]

Originally Posted by othersomethings

thanks for the encouragement. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this with a new baby, but I totally underestimated how overwhelming everything is.

One of my good friends just had her first a few months ago, and is totally uncrunchy. But what she is doing (baby whisperer methods, I believe. She lent me the book and I just cried through the whole thing.) is really working for them. I look at myself and think "geez, am I making the wrong choices? how does she get things to work for herself?" but maybe if I just tried harder I could make something like that work for us. But then would I be neglecting my baby's needs? And if I swing over to the other side and stick to AP methods...am I setting us up for more difficult times as she gets older?

I just don't know. This has been making me on the verge of tears for two days now.

Ohhh yeah! BTDT, I was on a mainstream board and just about everyone cio or had schedules and all I could think was "am I ruining my baby by co-sleeping, nursing on demand, picking her up..etc?" My dd is 3 1/2. She's crazy, cute and lovely. My family that used to question my judgement, now compliment my darling dd (except my poor mom who got to be here for the craziness that is 3 and a new baby in the house )
Those methods work for some people. If it made you cry BEFORE you had kids, it just will feel wrong when you put into practice. Plain and simple. You aren't built that way, and thank god for that.
Will there be difficult times if you AP? Yes. Just as there will be if you don't. No child is simple and easy. No human being is simple and easy. The difficulties are just different.
Personally, I went with anything that had some scientific reasoning behind it. If it was a theory or just "what was done" I had to know why, and how did it affect my baby long-term. Even then, its easy to doubt yourself. I still do, every once in awhile
Ok, try this. Shelf anything like scheduling/routines etc until your dd is 6 months old. Pretty much every single sleep trainer insists that it should started at 6 months, no sooner. Even *shudder* Ezzo.
For now, do what you need to do. Do what your baby needs.

[kehliouise]

Hey i totally know how you are feeling! i didn't shower at all when ds#1 was born. i just looked like crap and smelled really bad. i also thought i smelled worse than i actually did because my sense of smell was so intense. i was staying with my mother at the time and no one ever volunteered to hold him long enough for to take a shower. dh would hold him while i showered maybe every third day. he couldn't be put down for even a second without completely freaking out and crying. he never slept in a bassinet, even for naps. he had to be held constantly. if he was awake he had to be breast-feeding...(his little brother is the same way.) i never kept up with how often he ate because it was obviously more than every 2-3 hours. it was more like every thirty minutes...and he even ate when he slept.

koi hickups constantly too...if he is awake and not eating he is hickuping. i asked the pediatrician about it and he said that it has to do with regulating blood sugar levels. some babies are better at doing this than others, but it may take 2 to 3 months for them to learn how to maintain their blood sugar levels. so you might be looking at 2 to 3 months of hickups. jake never really got hickups...but that is not the case with koi.

i wouldn't worry about feeding on demand....just do what you feel like Ella needs. we go by the feed on demand schedule, but that is what is best for us. we don't really have a schedule for anything, but we don't have to either. we don't have to be anywhere anytime, i know some people plan on returning to work after several weeks or months, or have other obligations, and they need their kids to be a schedule to make everything work. i think some kids even prefer schedules...mine don't and yours may or may not.

i know what you mean about your husband leaving and you sobbing. i have spent the past few days just crying constantly because i want dh to be at home. i have also been crying about everything else. i cried the other day because i saw a puppy on tv fall into a bowl of milk. everyone was like, "he isn't hurt." and i'm going, "i know, but he just looks so sad." i don't remember crying like this after ds#1 was born, but dh was home with me for like two weeks then. this time we don't have the ability for him to take off that much time, so we arranged to him my mother and his mother come to help, but i guess it isn't help around the house and with ds#1 that i needed, but emotional support that comes from my husband, and i'm only getting it at night right now. if koi had come about a week earlier dh could have spent lots of time with us, but sometimes those sort of things don't work out.

i don't remember ever getting to go to the bathroom without ds#1 either and i remember it becoming a big source of emotional stress between myself and dh. he would come home from work and want to go to the bathroom and eat and do his normal rutine before he took the baby from me. this always made me furious because he had been doing those things all day long by himself. he had no idea what it was like to constantly have another entity attached to you 24 hours a day. and even when he was home i spent most of the time holding ds because i was still having to nurse him. it didn't get better until ds was mobile and became more independent. even then i had to pee really quick or take him with me to make sure that he wasn't killing himself while i was in the bathroom. this time i have put a bouncy chair in the bathroom, so i can lay koi down if just for a second so i can use the bathroom without holding him. our bathroom is also now big enough to put the swing in there as well, so that i can take a shower really quickly. maybe something like that might work for you. baby wearing might also free up an extra hand so that you have two instead of one, but ds#1 never liked being in a sling when he was really little because from the moment he was born he wanted to be held in an upright position where he could see everything going on. and he couldn't go in a front facing carrier for quite sometime, so i just ended up holding him. maybe you could experiment with something like that as well.

[my kidlets and me]

Hugs - the first few weeks with a new babe go by in a blur. Be kind to yourself - do what you feel is right (you CANNOT spoil a baby by holding/feeding her too much!), no matter what others say. The sleep problem is a hard one - try to nap as much as you can. I am not a napper, but when I'm sleep deprived (like right now), it becomes a necessity. Babies as young as ours do not need to be on a routine - in fact, it's probably harmful. They need to eat lots because their stomachs are sooooo little.

The baby blues suck. There's no other word for it. But try to enjoy this phase with your little one - they're only newborns for a little while, and you can't get this time back (until you have another baby!).

[zenma]

Originally Posted by othersomethings

thanks for the encouragement. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this with a new baby, but I totally underestimated how overwhelming everything is.

One of my good friends just had her first a few months ago, and is totally uncrunchy. But what she is doing (baby whisperer methods, I believe. She lent me the book and I just cried through the whole thing.) is really working for them. I look at myself and think "geez, am I making the wrong choices? how does she get things to work for herself?" but maybe if I just tried harder I could make something like that work for us. But then would I be neglecting my baby's needs? And if I swing over to the other side and stick to AP methods...am I setting us up for more difficult times as she gets older?

I just don't know. This has been making me on the verge of tears for two days now.

I'm relieved to know about the eyebrows. I actually was searching through all the baby pics this DDC has posted so far to see if other babies have eyebrows or not!!!

i have intense babies, too, unlike your friend . with my first i second-guessed my every action, even though i deeply believed in ap and ap was just what my dd needed. she HATED to be put down for a minute, until she was able to crawl and really get into the world. she is so well-attached now, at age four, it blows my mind. everything you wrote in you original post i could have written (except the eyebrows, and instead of a wrist bruise i beat myself up for letting her nails grow long enough to scratch her face....)

i was sure i'd be able to put this second one down more, but he's not up for that way of thinking. so i hold him tons, but THIS time, if i know he's well fed, i can *ask* dp to take him and i give myself a nice, hot shower. with my first i always waited for someone to volunteer, and i took 3 minute showers, racing to get back to her. i never wanted to be away from her until i drove myself to tears.

even though i'm more mellow this time it's still really hard. i'm a much better person when i've had decent sleep, so the newborn stage is tough. and even though i love babywearing and believe in holding my baby most of the time, i would put him down now and then... if he would let me!

[Surfacing]

So many great responses here! I just wanted to say I have SO been where you are.

Dd#2 has tons of hiccups whereas dd#1 pretty much never had any. Dd#2 was born with black hair and no eyebrows, dd#1 no hair and blond eyebrows.

It is bewildering and confidence shattering to feel like YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING and to be sleep deprived, etc., when dh is asking, "What did you do to her?" when she cries. Babies cry, it's what they do, it's how they communicate. Sometimes they need a good cry in your arms, you try to figure out what they need, you try this, you try that, and eventually something you did 1 minute ago that was terrible then is the magic answer now. : It's just life with a baby.

I SO hear you about taking the baby with you to the washroom, etc. Dd#1 was super attached also and I thought I would go INSANE never being able to put her down, not to go to the 'loo, not to cook, etc. Eventually she grew out of it. Eventually. After a couple of years.

It DOES get better. It DOES get easier. The early postpartum is very intense and very involved. It will pass.

Can dh or family spend some time with you? Are you sleeping when the baby sleeps?

You'll get through this. It will pass.

ETA - just wanted to add too that the parenting books and experts are infuriating. When you don't know what to do and are feeling desperate, they offer such conflicting and compelling viewpoints, you feel like you're going to RUIN your child if you do one or the other. It is difficult to compare yourself to someone else. You have to carve out what works best for your family. It may not be what someone else does. You might have to pick and chose between different parenting philosophies for different scenerios. Ultimately you have to find what works best for your family, not follow a script or recipe from a parenting book, or copy a friend, you know?

(Not sure if I'm making sense, I'm overtired and sleep deprived right now. Sorry!)

[Carliegirl]

Hang in there. You've gotten great advice!

[Surfacing]

I also wanted to add that it might help for both you and dh to talk to other people IRL who have kids to see what is normal/common when you have a babe in the home. Somebody is bound to have a baby with a temperament like yours.

It will take time for both you and dh to develop your confidence in parenting this child, and in each other. You have to give each other room to grow as parents and support each other, not tear one another down, you know? Tell him that. (That's just my opinion. ) (FWIW, dh and I spent a good two years with dd#1 fighting against each other on many things. After some good therapy and meds to lift me out of my mood troubles, I realized what we were doing, pointed it out, and made an effort to communicate more, judge less, leave more room for differences, and trust that our kid would learn the difference and thrive just fine. )

I found it a hard transition too from being a woman without children, fiercely independent, to suddenly having a child strapped to me 24/7. It took a LONG time to finally come to accept that (and again some good meds. But that's another story.)

It's all part of adapting to the changes. It will come, I promise.

[matey]

First time mom here, and you are not alone and it does get better.

DS was born December 14, one month before yours, so let me tell you how it is a little down the road...

MUCH BETTER!!!

I sleep more, eat with two hands more, and feel less like a psychopath. I still havent really figured out how to shower, and when I do it lasts only a few minutes. Most nights have become much better, even with the wee ones reflux problems, with the exception of last night which was like living in hell (we're all better now though!)

And about the eyebrows...none here. In fact, he didnt even really have full eyelashes until a couple weeks ago, and he tooks like he is starting to go bald, so I just figure it will out level out someday.

it helps me to look at my baby and think this thought when I am overwhelmed "He doesnt really know what he wants either."

And use your husband as back up. It is good for you and him. I kept thinking my DH thought I was living it up easy breezy and not doing any work, but handing off a screaming baby and saying "I need a break, it has been like this ALL DAY!" helps them realize what your going through, gives baby a calm human to deal with, and gives you a much needed break.

Oh, and DH doesnt care that I am not doing any house work, that was just me being paranoid.

[Surfacing]

OT - OMG Matey, your baby is sooooooo cute! Love your avatar.

[othersomethings]

thank you SO much for the advice. We slept a little better last night so I feel a little saner. I'm going to talk to my husband, we have to work something out. I know he's supportive, he just has even less of a clue than I do.

they said this was going to be hard...I don't know why I didn't believe it!

I'm NOT really sleeping when she sleeps during the day...I can't seem to wind down quickly enough for those short 45mins or so. any suggestions?

[matey]

Thanks Emese'sMom!

On the sleep issue, I also have trouble sleeping when he sleeps. I tend to work when he sleeps, so I would interested in suggestions too.

[vlasta216]

As a first time mom, I can definitely relate to this thread!!

I second-guess everything, especially his eating patterns. I always wonder if he sleeps too much... should i wake him and get him to eat? But he seems content...?? He'll go for hours without eating and then do some cluster feedings in the evening. And then dp is always asking WHEN did you last feed him, like he hasn't eaten in days. There's ppl who tell me to feed him every 2 hrs and then others tell me to let him sleep. I get 10 different answers from 10 different people about everything!! I just want BFing to work SO BADLY.

I have to get someone to bring me food since ds is always asleep on me (usually on top of the boppy) and if i set him down he'll wake right up.

And does the poor guy have to act like we're torturing him during a diaper change??

I love hearing that it DOES get easier! I guess i just need reassurance that i can do this + that i'm not doing everything wrong.

So glad for this thread!

[zenma]

Originally Posted by vlasta216

I love hearing that it DOES get easier! I guess i just need reassurance that i can do this + that i'm not doing everything wrong.

such a good point. not only does it get easier, it becomes the most amazing thing ever. all the hard work and deprivations pay off in the best ways. it won't be long before we have smiles from our babies

i could never sleep during the day with my first, but this time i'm making myself, and it helps as much as "they" say it does. what works for me: let him eat his fill/drift off. hold him up to my shoulder and burp him. if he wants more food he'll start rooting, and i'll feed him more. when he's finally sated he'll stay relaxed on my shoulder. i continue to sit up with him for 5-15 minutes, until he's a heavy, limp sack of potatoes. then i either lie down on the couch, slightly propped w/ pillows and w/ him on my chest, or i take him to the bed and curl up around him. if i don't do all of that he wakes up. to get myself to sleep i count backwards from ten a few times while breathing slow and deep. even though i'm wired it almost always works.

i would't be able to rest so well w/out the help i get from others taking care of my oldest.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by zenma

i would't be able to rest so well w/out the help i get from others taking care of my oldest.

Yep, it takes a village!

[othersomethings]

zenmama...I'm going to try that.

vlasta216...really, what's with the diaper changing? you'd think being cleaned up would be appreciated. I even try to make sure she's not cold.