TTC in Our Late 30s and 40s

[snoopy13]

hi -- anyone out there? i'd like to start this thread if we've got the folks for it...

as i've posted in the other threads, i'm 40 (as of december) and my partner'll be 40 in july, we've both been trying to conceive off and on (mostly on) since April and i got pregnant and miscarried over the last week and we're going to keep trying. we currently have no children.

i do have some definite feelings, fears, ideas, queries, etc based on my age as we go through this journey... but really really really do not feel at home on the general TTC lists on MDC due to my sexuality and gender AND hard cold facts like our complete ineligibility for any sort of medical help in conceiving because neither of us is a husband (though we do have good insurance that covers lots once we are/were pregnant, like my d&c...)

but anyway... before i get all into it... am wondering if there's anyone out there who is or was working on this in this age span who'd like to correspond in this way....

JD

[frog]

Me!

I'm 36--37 in March. No kids. turtle and I have tried 6 times over the past couple of years--no conceptions, to date.

I'm scared that I'm just too old to make it work.

[snoopy13]

hi frog -- i totally understand that fear! but i do not think you are too old!!!

it must be hard that you and your partner have had to start and stop -- i know
that just the few months that my partner and i had to hold off have been (and are now) very frustrating. it just makes the clock tick louder!

have you had that day three test? I can't even remember what it looks for but isn't is something that could be a clue about fertility though it's not a guarantee by any means...

for me, i have found that my fears of conception trouble have also been matched by fears of what it means to be an older parent, especially as i have encountered health problems in the past 18 months that i did not experience earlier in life. i've often been a "sickly" sort but nothing this extreme, and the truth of it is that i may end up with an MS diagnosis.

it makes me feel bad sometimes that i missed out on parenting when i was more energetic, literally awake more of the time, less cowed by fear of illness, etc... of course then nice, kind, sweet, caring people counter that by taking about how older parents have self-awareness, life-skills, etc... but i fear that i won't have the energy to run around as much, and also will have a shorter number of years in my child's life as they become a young adult and approach middle age.

my parents are aging, as are my partner's (and she is an only child) and i can imagine us being really squeezed from both ends of care-giving in the coming years...

JD

JD

[frog]

Originally Posted by snoopy13

have you had that day three test?

I haven't done any testing at all, actually. My cycles are consistent and the midwife sees nothing on my charts to suggest that anything's wrong. Just haven't gotten pregnant, yet.

I wasn't really worried about being too old to get pregnant until my mom mentioned that she hit menopause at 42. Since then, part of me has been freaked right out. I've got good people in my life who became parents later in life so I have a decent idea of what that might look like, so that part doesn't worry me. Maybe it should--I am, after all, a world-class worrier...

I think that, for me, the combination of my age and the frozen swimmers is what really does it. Seems like every little thing brings our chances down even more. It's frustrating.

[snoopy13]

maybe we could change the name of the thread to "world class worriers ttc in our 30s and 40s"... because i sure fit that bill too!

yeah i'm totally regular and have fertile mucus and all that so i sometimes feel guilty even worrying! or maybe i could say i worry about worrying! my partner did not have fertile mucus and her chart showed a "stairstep rise" after ovulation that could indicate luteal phase problems that could be due to low progesterone... but instead of looking into it we just switched to me...

i do feel some solace that we have 2 wombs in the running, not just one, as we are both up for pregnancy. i've been more into it, but she started us off due to my illness and was and is a total sport who got into it, and she also offered to try again once this m/c happened but for now we'll keep trying with me.

yeah we were going back and forth with frozen and fresh but its just so hard to go for frozen when at least 1/2 the time we were able to get fresh if we were willing/able to travel for 3-4 hours each way... i think it is amazing that anyone gets knocked up quickly with the frozen stuff, though of course i know it happens... and that's one of the reasons i am afraid of losing our known donor, in addition to the fact that he is a wonderful person we would love to have as part of our extended family around our child.

JD

[smartycat]

I will be 40 in October. I had looked into TTC myself about 2 years ago but I needed to lose some weight first. Then my professional life took a huge turn for the worse and I was working insane shifts 7 days a week for 14 mos so my health did nothing but suffer.

Now that my work situation is a lot more normal, we started the TTC journey with Quasar who will be 31 in April and has always been very healthy and regular and has an insanely fertile family. I was totally fine with that. We want a family and she is clearly the best way to get that family.

But then as I was reading fertility books and studying up for Quasar, I kept running across the whole issue that 40 is like the kiss of death for fertility. So, then I started thinking about me again. I still HAVE to lose weight. So I was kind of excited about having my fertility as added incentive in my weight loss. I even started temping this cycle and bought a bunch of cheapie OPKs to determine ovulation for me. I have NEVER been regular. Have had LOTS of "girl" problems. Been to specialists. Might have endometriosis. I went to an RE 2 years ago and he was optimistic about my chances to conceive. So, maybe it is possible for me.

Then my stupid uterus is not cooperating. I had 9 days of menses and then 4 days off and then I spotted for 3 days. It was just such a downer when I had just started getting excited about the possibility.

Bleh, not sure why I told you all that, but thought I would share.

I am not jealous of Quasar's assumed fertility. Just extremely pessimistic about my own.

I too worry about being an older parent. I have a friend my age who has a 3yr old adopted son and she is lamenting that he makes her feel old and she isn't sure she is up to adopting another. I am also sad that my parents won't be able to be grandparents as long. My crazy brother has robbed them of that joy by keeping his kids away from my parents and making his kids freaks of nature. Eh, why am I even worried about that when my mother doesn't even know I'm a lesbian and will probably reject this child anyways.

So, my almost 40 life in a nutshell. Not sure I contributed anything, but it is nice to be able to talk about it. Thanks for starting this thread Snoopy.

[snoopy13]

hi smartycat,

thanks for sharing all that!

14 hours a day for 7 days a week, wow... for me, it would be very hard to stay healthy that way... i've had to cut way back on overtime work since i got sick, and there's just been no going back to over-working - i feel really fortunate i can get away with that...

when i first started tracking my fertility, i had mid-cycle spotting for the first time in my life! i think it may have been from using the speculum or something? it didn't happen again but it was freaky...

when i was in a very bad relationship about 5 years ago, i was talking with a therapist about how i wanted to have a child. she was the first person to be like, um hello, if you want to possibly conceive you need to start tracking your fertility and stuff and there's lots of thing you can do to move forward even if you are struggling with this relationship. so that was inordinately mind-blowing even though i didn't move forward in that way (instead i started looking into adoption...)

but then the next thing she said that is more on this topic was "well you could fall in love with a younger woman and she could conceive and that's how you would have a family." and it was so sad that that statement was also mind-blowing. i had NEVER thought i could have a partner who i could trust enough to bear a child with, if i was not the one bearing the child. how sad!

before my bad relationship (which was with a woman 8 years younger than me who would be a NIGHTMARE as a parent, um kind of like my mother was), i had a mixed-bag relationship where my 8-years-younger partner really wanted to be a mother... but it was really clear that she would not have considered me an equal partner... and we had a third partner who absolutely did not want to parent, or for any of us to.. yet i hung in with them for 5 (fertile) years...

anyway... i am so happy that you have a partner who you are making a family with -- but also i can totally understand how that could spur you to wonder about your own fertility. i hope you can stay excited, or at least inquisitive, if that's a useful and healthy way to be as you and quasar pursue this journey together...

yesterday i went to my (straight male) chiropractor and he told me his wife was 42 when she had their only child... i have a friend who also gave birth at 42... so.. 40's not the total kiss of death, though yeah it's sure getting there for many of us...

JD

Originally Posted by smartycat

I will be 40 in October. I had looked into TTC myself about 2 years ago but I needed to lose some weight first. Then my professional life took a huge turn for the worse and I was working insane shifts 7 days a week for 14 mos so my health did nothing but suffer.

Now that my work situation is a lot more normal, we started the TTC journey with Quasar who will be 31 in April and has always been very healthy and regular and has an insanely fertile family. I was totally fine with that. We want a family and she is clearly the best way to get that family.

But then as I was reading fertility books and studying up for Quasar, I kept running across the whole issue that 40 is like the kiss of death for fertility. So, then I started thinking about me again. I still HAVE to lose weight. So I was kind of excited about having my fertility as added incentive in my weight loss. I even started temping this cycle and bought a bunch of cheapie OPKs to determine ovulation for me. I have NEVER been regular. Have had LOTS of "girl" problems. Been to specialists. Might have endometriosis. I went to an RE 2 years ago and he was optimistic about my chances to conceive. So, maybe it is possible for me.

Then my stupid uterus is not cooperating. I had 9 days of menses and then 4 days off and then I spotted for 3 days. It was just such a downer when I had just started getting excited about the possibility.

Bleh, not sure why I told you all that, but thought I would share.

I am not jealous of Quasar's assumed fertility. Just extremely pessimistic about my own.

I too worry about being an older parent. I have a friend my age who has a 3yr old adopted son and she is lamenting that he makes her feel old and she isn't sure she is up to adopting another. I am also sad that my parents won't be able to be grandparents as long. My crazy brother has robbed them of that joy by keeping his kids away from my parents and making his kids freaks of nature. Eh, why am I even worried about that when my mother doesn't even know I'm a lesbian and will probably reject this child anyways.

So, my almost 40 life in a nutshell. Not sure I contributed anything, but it is nice to be able to talk about it. Thanks for starting this thread Snoopy.

[Hulahoop]

I'll be 37 in February and have been TTCing since August (although two of those months were last-minute throw-it-into-the-wind tries). I think what's been surprising for me is that i NEVER thought i was too old to get pregnant and really never worried about it. I know lots of people in their late 30s and 40s who got pregnant. Now i almost wish i had thought about it earlier, but at the same time, i wouldn't take back the wonderful things I did instead, and I know we weren't ready for a baby yet. But it's funny to me, that i was so positive and heatlhy about being SURE it wouldn't be a problme, and here i am, still trying!

oh, and smartycat, as far as quasar's "assumed fertility," you're right to put "assumed" in there! i've never missed one period, and have always been regular. My mom and sister are crazy fertile, too, and when I had my FSH and estrodial tested, they were awesome. So i was pretty dang cocky! but here i still am, plugging away! you just never know. you can be "regular" and still have a hard time. in my case, the hidden issue was low progesterone, which i never would've discovered but for the months of not getting pregnant.

I'm trying very hard to be zen about the time/age thing. Worryign about it and stressign about the past is not going to help at all. But easier said than done

[smartycat]

Two days of no bleeding and now I am spotting again. Great.

[snoopy13]

sorry smartycat, that must be so frustrating!

that's great hulahoop that you figured out the low progesterone situation. i think that may have been the case with my partner too, but we switched before looking into it. are you on progesterone now and does it seem to make a difference?

it's so funny to be learning this stuff as we go along. the first two times we inseminated my partner, we really had the timing off -- once with fresh, which cost us a lot of time because we did it every other day for a total of 5 days while staying on a friend's futon and commuting across NYC to the donor... and once with frozen, which we got to do on vacation and that was nice, but certainly cost us $$$!

thanks everyone for joining this thread -- it cheered me up a lot today! i just got back from a 90 minute MRI for this numbness thing and boy was that a drag!!

have a good evening everyone,

JD

[Hulahoop]

I'm not on progesterone (yet?), but am doing acupuncture, Vitex, the MAIA fertility tea, and chinese herbal teas, all of which already have substantially raised my temperature--a good thing! We took last cycle off, but for this cycle, my RE recommended Letrozole (a Clomid alternative) to help increase my ovulation, and therefore, my progesterone. My level was 5.9, so i was ovulating (although not very strongly), but it wasn't enough to support implantation/pregnancy.

JD, i'm glad this thread is cheering you up. It was very sad to hear your news, and I'm glad you seem to be doing relatively OK--or as OK as can be expected.

[snoopy13]

Thanks Hulahoop, yeah i'm glad to be doing ok!

i'm also doing the MAIA tea, and vitex, and chinese herbs (though more for the numbness) and acupuncture...

how high is that number supposed to be?

JD

[Hulahoop]

Both my midwife and RE said you need at least a 10 to implant and then support a pregnancy. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but their feelings were, don't waste the time and money trying until you get above 10. It can be misleading, cause you can be under 10 and still ovulate (i always got positive OPKs and monitor readings, and had mature eggs at my two ultrasounds), but have low progesterone that, for all intents and purposes, will keep you from getting pg.

the other tough thing is that progesterone levels are hard to track, becaue thy "pulse" throughouth the day. so depending on when you get your blood taken, you may be higher or lower than you really are.

[Frannyo]

I was 37 when we started trying, 38 when I got pregnant, and now at 39 have a lovely stinker sleeping next to me. That said, me and dp are both feeling at little under the gun if we want to have another one, due to a couple of different sets of circumstances.

Anon Donorboy may move out of our town soon, and hasn't been in communication lately. I also haven't posted much on other parts of the board b/c of the donor issue - he's a great guy, VERY young, and appears to have moved on from his donation adventure and dropped out of communication despite promises that if we wanted to try again, we could.

In addition, dp is getting ready to go back to school full-time, so we're really wondering if we have to wait until she finishes school again before trying - she's a stay-at-home mom now and we both have this addiction to sleep - we both can't conceive of a life where we're trying to take care of a toddler, a baby, a nursing school program, and a 40% travel exec job.

We're a bit miffed at ourselves all around. She's mad at herself for waiting until she's 40 to change careers, I'm mad at myself for putting so much energy into my own career and not trying to have children earlier, and we're both a little cranky with each other that we can't just appreciate and be complete with the one beautiful, amazing child we have.

I guess when I read all that the only things that are age-related are that we both feel under the gun due to our aging bodies, and that we're much more realistic about our energy levels than we used to be.

[maorimama]

Kia ora all - I'm a new member and been posting on the TTC February 2008 thread - but thrilled to see this thread here, too. I'm 40 in March (19th - go Pisces!) and my DP is 40 *tomorrow*. It's really triggering me, as I'm sure you all can relate to.

I have wanted a child for ages but have been painfully unable to make a start because of concerns about my own health, mental and physical. And like you snoopy I was in a bad relationship, mine was five years, and then this relationship for three. First two and a half years of which my DP was ambivalent about being a co-parent, so I held out, waiting to start the process until she made up her mind.

What was I thinking.

But these things are much easier to see in hindsight, aren't they? At the time I just felt paralysed with fear of doing it 'on my own'.

Anyway, after lots of tears and counselling sessions, we are now really clear that her role is as my partner only, she's not ready to parent, but is definitely ready to be my number one supporter. I have a network of friends and family which I will need to activate when the time comes.

But yeh, for me, having a birthday at all isn't fun (not such happy childhood memories all round), let alone 40, let alone with this added fertility thing going on. If one more person says 'biological clock' to me I may hurt them

On the other hand, yes, I do know many women who've conceived and given birth in their 40's - most recently, my KD's new partner, who is a wonderful and unexpected source of information, encouragement and role modelling My Maori great grandmother was a lay midwife and had her first child at 42 - this was at the turn of the century. So that's pretty cool.

Re: progesterone levels. Mine came in at 39, and my fertility clinic nurse says anywhere between 40 and 60 is ok. I guess we must use different numbers over here...?

Glad to be here. Thanks for making this thread, snoopy.

[snoopy13]

Originally Posted by maorimama

Kia ora all - I'm a new member and been posting on the TTC February 2008 thread - but thrilled to see this thread here, too. I'm 40 in March (19th - go Pisces!) and my DP is 40 *tomorrow*. It's really triggering me, as I'm sure you all can relate to.

oh yes i can imagine!

Originally Posted by maorimama

Anyway, after lots of tears and counselling sessions, we are now really clear that her role is as my partner only, she's not ready to parent, but is definitely ready to be my number one supporter. I have a network of friends and family which I will need to activate when the time comes.

wow that is really great that you were able to stay together throughout all that and see it through and work out something that seems like it will work for both of you. it is really inspiring!

Originally Posted by maorimama

On the other hand, yes, I do know many women who've conceived and given birth in their 40's - most recently, my KD's new partner, who is a wonderful and unexpected source of information, encouragement and role modelling My Maori great grandmother was a lay midwife and had her first child at 42 - this was at the turn of the century. So that's pretty cool.

What a great story! that is definitely very cool...

Originally Posted by maorimama

Glad to be here. Thanks for making this thread, snoopy.

my pleasure, i'm so glad that people are finding it useful...

JD

[maorimama]

Originally Posted by snoopy13

wow that is really great that you were able to stay together throughout all that and see it through and work out something that seems like it will work for both of you. it is really inspiring!

...I guess it is an achievement. Key part of it all was that I attended the home birth of my 41-year-old friend - I'm god-mother to her lovely daughter - and was so inspired myself that I can do it 'alone'. She is not partnered and was terrified of everything to do with mothering on her own. But the birth was awesome, she was a complete star, and since then even though it's hard and she's exhausted, truth be told I've never seen her happier...

DP and I have a pretty good thing going now...she is really lovely to me during my insemination weeks and the weeks that follow. She just can't handle the idea of being the other parent. Which is fair enough. i realise this is my (fast-tracked by age) dream, not necessarily hers.

Thanks for your comments, snoopy, it reminds me to be grateful

It's her birthday here in just over an hour

[snoopy13]

update

hi everyone --

just a quick note to let you all know i am still alive.... i've been immersing myself in research on treatment options and stuff since getting the multiple sclerosis diagnosis just 6 days after the D&C that i got 4 days after i started to miscarry a few weeks after our donor's baby was stillborn... one of the most roller-coaster (well, mostly downward rollercoaster now that i think about it) months of my life...

i was supposed to go back to work the monday after getting the diagnosis and didn't really go back until a week later (this week), and am working about 1/2-3/4 time for the next bunch of weeks.

on 2/29 i am going to puerto rico with my best friend for 4 days to warm up and go in the ocean.

as far as becoming parents, it looks like i'm out of the running for now while we sort through things. but i'm pretty sure we'll go on treatment rather than TTC in the near future... and my partner is willing to consider TTC again (she had tried 4 1/2 times in the beginning before we switched to me.)

also i went to a orientation session about adoption that was really useful.

but we mostly have a moratorium right now on talking about the kid thing, there's just too much going on and there were too many bad things happening too rapidly.

so we've been focusing on our love, and healing, and me looking into my treatment options -- which i'm pretty comfortable doing as i've been a health activist and research advocate since 1992... it's just weird to be doing it for myself rather than others, as my focus has been HIV and i'm HIV negative.

also i started a special diet for MS that is pretty much NO fat, and several other elements, and that's going to be tricky...

we have 2 vials of IUI at the sperm bank that we returned after not using them... if we don't take them out again by March 15, they will charge us $395 for a year's storage fee. I hate the money-grubbing sperm bank system. I even called our friendly dyke contact there and explained we'd had a miscarriage, weren't ready to start yet but would, and asked why the fee for our 2 teeny vials was the same as someone who has 60 vials, could we have an extension, etc. and she was basically like "um sorry, no."

so there's a chance we may take them out right around that deadline, as it may be when my partner ovulates next... or might say fuck it and just give em away... neither she nor i have been tracking at all.

i was drinking the fertility tea up until a few days ago, i just got sick of making it i guess. i know in general it's a good tea for women, and i do like the taste, so i might take it up again...

overall, i'm feeling okay. i cry every couple days, and spend a lot of time going to acupuncture, my nice therapist, the couples counselor, and yoga and all that good stuff. so i feel really lucky to be able to do that. and also how flexible and supportive my job is/co-workers are.

i do feel increasingly pre-menstrual the last few days, so i'm wondering if i'll bleed this weekend. it's been 3 weeks since the miscarriage started...

well that's my update. hope you all are well.

JD

[tuck]

I just found this thread....I had our baby at 39, and last year had 4 ivf cycles to try to have another child. Unsuccessful. I am now 44 and am hopefully going to do a frozen ( donor ) cycle in a few months.
I haven't tried the tea you all talk about but will. I posted on ttc to see if there were any other suggestions...I remember last year fresh pineapple was recommended. Although my eggs are no longer the issue, I still want to do all I can to improve my chances and get my body ready.
For us, being older parents isn't an issue. Dw works full time and is 53, but I think the "you're only as old as you feel" comes into play. Having an energetic little boy keeps us young! Sure there are times we're tired. But overall I know I am a much better parent than I would have been when I was younger.
I hope this thread continues. It helps so much not to go through this alone!

[frog]

JD, you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

AAM: I'm hanging out here at 10DPO feeling nothing but irritated and sad. People all around me are getting pregnant--on purpose, by accident, after years of trying, after sidling up to one another just that one time. It's making me crazy and I'm feeling really out of touch with this whole cycle.

Bah. :