Help me help my friend?

[APBTlover]

My friend had her first child on the 17th... I live over an hour away, but I've visited several times, and things seemed to be going fine. The baby sleeps well, nurses well, etc. My friend seemed tired, but not morose. Her mother-in-law lived with her for the first 10 days postpartum.

This morning, out of the blue, my friend called me, sobbing so hard she could almost not speak. I honestly thought someone had died, until she choked out that she thought she has PPD. She's hysterical, worried about her baby, feels like a failure, worried about her mother (who is the only family she has, but has some sort of dementia and can't be left alone with the baby... or alone at all, really). I asked if it had gotten worse since her MIL wasn't there with her, and she said definitely yes. So I offered to come stay with her AT LEAST for the weekend... I am a homemaker so I can really stay as long as necessary. She thanked me profusely and promised to call me after she had gone to the Dr, as I couldn't come until DH got home from work anyway (he has the car).

Just now, one of her local friends finally answered the phone and said they have admitted her to the hospital. I really don't know what to do? If she remains in the hospital, is there anything I can do? Or if she returns home I go to stay with her, is here anything I should know? I feel really over my head; your help is truly appreciated. :

[mom2ewc]

Just be with her, let her talk, ask her how she's doing.

Feed her, get her water to drink. Ask her if she'd like you to hold the baby, rub her back, if she's like to go for a walk.

Just BE there for her... this is a scary time for her... you don't need to have the answers, just be there for her.

The best thing my friend did for me (she lived in France when my son was born) was to come to the States and just BE with me... cook for me... put the food in front of me... and tell me, "Wow, this is really, really hard work to be a mom, isn't it?" She didn't have all the answers, she didn't tell me how I should feel or what I should do... she just let me talk and cry and just be my weepy, emotional, PPD self.

You're a great friend - she's lucky to have you.

Since she's in the hospital, maybe you could find out what visiting hours are like... and if you wanted to go visit her... or visit a day before she gets out, and make her home pretty and inviting, that would be amazing. She may not be able to tell you what she needs, but just being there will speak volumes. Don't hide because it's awkward or uncomfortable... just continue to ask her what she needs, and if she needs/wants to talk about anything.

[APBTlover]

I went to visit her today in the hospital... she's not sure when she'll be getting out, but started crying and thanking me when I told her I will be coming to stay with her when she does finally go home.

Thanks, mom2ewc... what you've suggested was exactly what I felt I should do. It helps to know what has helped someone else. I have some experience with depression, personally, but I know that this is somewhat different (and a lot more frightening, with a baby involved). I can't do too much with her in the hospital, but I am just trying to love on her, you know?

[camahdavi]

Wow, I've been thinking so much about this lately - what I would have wanted my friends to do to help me, but didn't dare ask them.

It sounds like you are doing alot already and she obviously appreciates it. One of the things that PPD can do is take away all your self-esteem, leaving you feeling incapable of doing anything. I.e. when people make suggestions on how to make things easier, it's really hard to then implement them. I heard so many times that I should try and take the baby for a walk, just to get some fresh air or get out of the house, that I should try and excercise, that I should get 'me' time to sit and read a book or just lay down for a while etc. I would have really appreciated someone to come over and really get me to do one of those things.

So maybe really help her do one of the above activities when she gets back from the hospital: get the stroller out for a walk, get her coat ready, keys to the house etc. It's help with the little things. Also maybe look into helping her find a local PPD support group.

[APBTlover]

Another thing I've been thinking about... she admitted to me today about having what I have seen called "intrusive thoughts" (like a scene of her throwing her daughter into the river playing over and over, to the point that when she actually was in a car crossing the river she had to close her eyes). It seems like they were what tipped her into the depression state -- being so freaked out by her own thoughts that she started skidding down the slope created by an inadequate support structure, etc.

From what I understand, the thoughts themselves are not what she thinks. I tried to tell her she's not crazy... honestly, I've had similar ones for much of my life, though perhaps not as vivid. Reading other threads on this forum has helped me understand the PPOCD angle better, too. Anyway, it concerns me because she makes it out like maybe her docs are maybe adding fuel to the fire -- as if just having those thoughts was enough to commit her to the psych ward for days, which I think she interprets as, "having these thoughts is really evil, and I will have to be locked up any time they occur." Maybe not in such simplistic terms, but...

...I don't even know exactly what I'm asking. I know I can "be there" for the depression part, but how can I help her with the intrusive thoughts?

[mom0810]

The intrusive thoughts are totally normal. Order her the book, Beyond the Blues, by Shoshana Bennet. My therapist describes them as the brains way of keeping our babies safe. They are NOT thoughts that we would ever act on, but instead are our brains pointing out potential dangers to our kids to make us more protective of them. I hope that makes sense, I'm nursing.

PPD for dummies, by the same author, is also quite good.

She should seek out a therapist who specializes in PPD. I seem to remember from past posts that you are in IL. I have the contact number and info for the coordinator of the PPD-IL group, who is an excellent therapist, also. Or, check out www.postpartum.net for more referrals. Most Dr's and therapists don't "get" this disease, so she needs someone with more knowledge in this area. The LAST thing she needs is a dr. making her feel guilty for the thoughts.

[APBTlover]

thank you all for your help/advice so far.

mom0810, I am actually from Louisiana. I have just gone to the link you provided and sent an email to someone locally who will (hopefully!) be able to give us clearer advice about local help. Thank you!

[shell024]

I actually just about burst into tears reading this thread...what I wouldnt do to have a friend like you. Just someone who cares enough to be searching out information, offering to be with her, you are a blessing, really. Even if you are just there to listen, you are helping, I promise.

[LilMomma83]

You are already helping her

I know for me the best things are when people just do things for me without asking (because I might say no) like my laundry, changing a diaper, watching the baby, cooking...etc..

[shell024]

Yup, when someone insists on helping, in my head I'm like "Thank you thank you THANK YOU".

[APBTlover]

Thank you for all of your comments. Last night I talked to my friend for the first time in nearly a week. She came home on Thursday and has just been trying to settle in. She told me, "Today was a hard day, but tomorrow's gonna be better." It's so good to hear her being even that positive, really.

I am disappointed to hear that she has stopped breastfeeding, and I hope that doesn't add to her sense of failure. All through her pregnancy she was sure she wanted to bf, and after the baby was born she told me she loved it. But now her daughter is on formula because a week of separation has left her dried up. She told me she "couldn't get" her pump in the hospital... : It seems like one would be provided by the hospital even if she didn't have her own. But then, I don't know much about hospitals.

[Limabean1975]

After just a week, she could probably re-lactate...but otoh she is under alot of pressure right now and suggestions/attempts in that direction might just make things harder.

[APBTlover]

I know that relactation is possible... but I didn't mention it. I think when I visit her I'll get a better impression of whether she's interested or if she would just be stressed out by it.

I still don't understand why they didn't give her a pump in the hospital?

[Limabean1975]

What ward was she in? If she was not in the maternity ward (was she in psych?), they may have been uneducated as to her needs and she may not have been in the frame of mind to push...not that that is an excuse - if they are treating PPD, they ought to be aware of the needs specific to it, and it is a shame she did not get the support she needed for that.

[APBTlover]

Yes, she was in psych. She told me she was pretty sure she was the only one in there not detoxing from drugs... it doesn't seem like they have a whole boatload of experience with PPD/PPOCD.

[gwerydd]

i spent a week in the psych ward for PPD almost a year ago exactly. i was lucky that the nurses and drs there were supportive of me pumping and nursing (the nurses would bring me cookies and juice when i pumped) i had stopped nursing ro three days and that had seriouly affected my supply so that i had to supplment until dd was 7 months. i think th reason i ened up hospitalised is because when i admitted my intrusive thoughts my psychiatrist kinda freeked out on me and told me she was very close to admitting me. this freaked me out into thinking i was a danger to myself and others and caused me to really panic, that and she told me to stop nursing, which really brok emy heart as i had had a cesarean and premie with a 16 day NICU stay. anyway, i can understand where your friend is coming from. listen to her and let her talk about her experience if she needs to. staying in the psych ward is scary and humiliating because our culture has such a negative view of mental illness and lack of understanding with PPD. i ended up switching drs and seeing a PPD specialist. she was knowledgable about intrusive thoughts and let me know that what i was experiencing was common and taught me how to deal with it rather than freaki9ng out and me and scaring me further.

[snowgirl]

I saw this speaker back in the fall about Depression and Bf'ing. It was excellent. I know for me, bf'ing really helped my ppd. http://www.granitescientific.com/gra...s/page0009.htm
I hope she can get back to bf'ing and that she feels better soon.
Major hugs, peace and love.