Important Questions for Employee

[candiland]

Hi there, a woman at my work and her girlfriend adopted a baby almost two years ago. Her girlfriend - we'll call her Q - is the only one listed as the adoptive parent.

Well, Q is financially stable and the only legal guardian of their child. Problem: the woman at my work has zero funds, her family has disowned her, and Q is both physically and emotionally abusive. Every time she tries to get Q into counseling, threatens to leave, wants things to change, etc., Q threatens her with never seeing the child again.

Does she have any legal recourse here? She's only staying because she doesn't want to lose her baby.

TIA!

[MujerMamaMismo]

Sounds like a horrible scenario.

Essentially your friend doesn't have any rights though she may have some luck battling it out in court. I'm thinking it probably depends on where you live and how progressive your State govt/court system is. Of course, she probably can't afford to do that.

Someone from the US may have better info though. I'm so sorry for your friend.

[mama2rey]

As far as I know she has no legal recourse. It has also happened to 2 people that I know. I would have her consult a lawyer though. Maybe there is some legal loophole in your state. Is second parent adoption legal in your state?

BTW-regardless-you might want to let her know about local domestic violence resources. Often they can be very helpful with this kind of thing. There are LGBT DV programs called Anti-Violence Programs-that deal specifically with violence in the LGBT communities-including domestic violence. You can find a local one at this website:

http://www.ncavp.org/AVPs/default.aspx

I would just call the one closest to you if there isn't one where you live-they are often very much aware of local laws or at least may be able to provide legal referrals.

Good luck!

[Diane B]

I know of a case in my state similar to this where the non-legal mom DID win - eventually - on appeal, after a few years and, I'm sure, many thousands of dollars in legal fees.

I would second the suggestion to hook her up with some domestic abuse advocates who can talk her through this and figure out her options.

[candiland]

She's scared to take that first step because then it'll be "too real". I feel terribly for her, and it makes me physically sick that just because she's gay, she's not afforded the same rights a hetero parent would have.

A friend of mine gave me the name of an advocacy group here in MD. I was just wondering if any of you had any experience in this area. Thanks so much for your input.

[mama2rey]

Originally Posted by candiland

A friend of mine gave me the name of an advocacy group here in MD. I was just wondering if any of you had any experience in this area. Thanks so much for your input.

I've worked with many DV survivors. I've actually worked in this field for about 10 years. Really all you can do is give her the information, let her know you are there for her and support her in what she chooses to do.

Many times people think what she needs to do is leave. However it may not be the best idea, sometimes things get worse, not better after they leave. She is likely the best judge of this.

One thing you might want to pass on is that most (if not all) DV resources are not going to make her leave. They will likely help her figure out ways to stay safe and provide referrals. In fact if they don't do this PM me and I can get you/her in touch with good providers. However please just pass on information and provide support. She will take action when she is ready. It may be next week or 10 years from now. What's important is that she have the information and support. Remember it takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abuser-it can be really hard emotionally and logistically. Abusers get very angry when their victims leave-they have lost control-and can actually go as far as murder their partner-so she does need to tread carefully.

[alienwhistler]

Originally Posted by candiland

Does she have any legal recourse here? She's only staying because she doesn't want to lose her baby.

TIA!

a lot depends on the state she is in. family courts can be very child friendly and really look at the best interests of the child, or they can focus only on marital status and homophobia. she should consult with local LGBTQ organizations to get information about laws and possibly lawyers who can help her out for a lowered fee.

[Bad Mama Jama]

my heart goes out to her. domestic violence grips even those too small to speak it. i hope that she gets the help she needs and i hope that she and the babe are able to get out of there. also it would probably help her if the abuse was documented somewhere with the police or an agency as that arises in custody matters. to her...

[anniedare]

I am NOT a lawyer but here's the case law that I've noticed:

There are a couple states (northeast, California, and I THINK maybe Washington) that have declared the non-bio mom "in loco parentis" or a "psychological parent" or "de facto parent" so you/she can google those and see if it's ever even been done in your state. I'm guessing you're not in a very progressive place or she would already have a second parent adoption. Maybe she could pretend everything's great again and get one??? In some states she could get guardianship when adoption's not available, so a call to an LGBT lawyer is definitely in order -- I don't think that kind of thing is researchable at all online,: because I haven't been able to find anyone whose done it though I know a couple that had it in Colorado that had it done and it did give the non-adoptive mom some rights in their divorce.

If there's a chance in your state that she can be considered a psychological parent, one thing she could start doing is drumming up all the evidence she has that they intended to adopt and raise the couple together and it has since been 50/50 in case she has to go the long, expensive court route. So...like a coparenting agreement? A homestudy together? Blog entries that the two of them were thinking about this together and had every intention of this being a joint venture? Pics of both opening presents at the shower? Receipts for baby stuff coming out of hers or a joint bank account, etc. etc. etc. Everything under the sun to show that the adoptive mom did not intend to be the sole parent and has allowed your friend to parent fully so far. The hope is that therefore, it would be in the child's best interest not to severe a strong, "parent-like" relationship.

Conservative courts have given visitation to donors when the parents accepted freaking birthday presents from him, saying they've allowed him to have a "parental" relationship with the child that shouldn't be broken. Therefore, she likewise wants to show that the child perceives her as a parent and that it's damaging to the child to sever the family as the child knows it.

Good luck. It's most likely she's a "legal stranger" to the child, so

I mean, she can stay with this person and MOVE to a better state if needed? That's all I can think of. Can she transfer with your company?

[anniedare]

Oops, I didn't see the abuse part. I don't want to suggest that she stays in an abusive relationship!!!!

[Scalpel]

this exactly why I made sure I was protected via the laywer/paperwork.....you just can't predict what will happen between you and your dp but it nice to have piece of mind you will still be a part of your childs life if the relationship turns sour. I guess alot also has to do with your dp in general and wether or not they would fight in court/and try to banish you from seeing your child.....no matter how you look at it no one really wins.