[crossposted to pregnancy and birth loss]
I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled a little - maybe a tablespoonfull of brownish blood. My midwife had me go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I was 13w5d.
On the ultrasound, there was nothing that even looked like a baby. Just some masses and some things that looked like cysts.
It might be a blighted ovum, but it seems more likely that it's something called gestational trophoblastic disease, where the fertilized egg is nonviable and it grows into a tumor instead of a fetus. The majority of cases are benign, but they can also be cancerous. And even if it's benign and fully removed, it can come back as cancer.
I'm going to need a D&C, and then they'll do pathology analyses to find out what, exactly, we're dealing with. I might not know for a week or two.
I can't even begin to say how horrifying and awful and strange this is. It's... there was never a baby. I had every reason to think that there was. I had a positive pregnancy test. I had the full range of first trimester symptoms. I saw the midwife just last week, and she said my uterus was sized perfectly for dates. But it was all a cruel joke.
I don't even know what to call this. I feel like I've lost my baby, but there never was a baby. I'm grieving, but there isn't anything that died. My whole pregnancy has been a fraud. I feel so awful. Everything has turned upside down. I thought I was safely out of the first trimester and doing beautifully. Now I may be a cancer patient - I don't even know.
I don't even know what to say or do. I am so lost. This doesn't even feel like my life.
I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled a little - maybe a tablespoonfull of brownish blood. My midwife had me go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I was 13w5d.
On the ultrasound, there was nothing that even looked like a baby. Just some masses and some things that looked like cysts.
It might be a blighted ovum, but it seems more likely that it's something called gestational trophoblastic disease, where the fertilized egg is nonviable and it grows into a tumor instead of a fetus. The majority of cases are benign, but they can also be cancerous. And even if it's benign and fully removed, it can come back as cancer.
I'm going to need a D&C, and then they'll do pathology analyses to find out what, exactly, we're dealing with. I might not know for a week or two.
I can't even begin to say how horrifying and awful and strange this is. It's... there was never a baby. I had every reason to think that there was. I had a positive pregnancy test. I had the full range of first trimester symptoms. I saw the midwife just last week, and she said my uterus was sized perfectly for dates. But it was all a cruel joke.
I don't even know what to call this. I feel like I've lost my baby, but there never was a baby. I'm grieving, but there isn't anything that died. My whole pregnancy has been a fraud. I feel so awful. Everything has turned upside down. I thought I was safely out of the first trimester and doing beautifully. Now I may be a cancer patient - I don't even know.
I don't even know what to say or do. I am so lost. This doesn't even feel like my life.
and my prayers and thoughts are with you
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