Major poop potty training problems with my 4.5 y.o--not constipation

[ahuva]

Hi, I'm starting a new thread because constipation is not part of our problem. The story is long and involved, but my dh and I are at the end of our ropes and are desperate for advice.

We potty trained my DS at three years. It's always been dicey, even with number 1 (he still needs to be reminded/cajolled/carried to the potty much of the time). He has NEVER been successful with pooping. At best, he would do it on the potty 50% of the time, and only if he was running around with his pants OFF.

A year and a half later, he continues to poop in his pants. It has become a major battle. He might make it to the potty if we make sure to take off his pants, but then that becomes a battle, and I'm tired of fighting and it's cold here.

We have tried incentives, without luck, and we have tried having him be the one to take off his pants, put the poop in the potty, and do as much cleanup as he is able to. This also just becomes a major battle.

I have to admit that this has been a long road, and I have not been patient and kind about it the whole way through. I know this hasn't helped, and I'm not proud, but it's just been so long. I'm now pregnant with our third, and the thought have having two kids in diapers and one who isn't really potty trained is a bit daunting.

I suspect that part of the problem is that he isn't physiologically "in touch" with his body, i.e. doesn't always recognize the feeling of need to poop or pee until the very last second. But then again, today he went behind the couch to poop in his pants, something that he clearly made a choice to do.

My dh thinks we should just let him continue doing this and not make a big deal about it, including not making him run around bottomless or making him do some of the cleanup (things that are battles). He wants to just take him in the bathroom and clean him up without much to-do. I feel like we've been done just that for a long time without luck and I'm not sure if I can do it without energetically sending out messages of frustration/resentment/etc. Maybe it's the only road from here? Just let go and wait for him to get it?

Anyway, I'm hoping there are ideas out there for something new to try, since I'm not sure I can just "let go," considering that I'm the one who has to actually deal with the poop most of the time.

TIA

[LynnS6]

What about a middle ground?

what we did was tell our kids that if they needed to poop, they could come tell us and we'd put a diaper on, they could poop, and then we'd clean them up. Since at this age they're pooping about once a day, I could handle that. The idea of pooping in clothes is far, far grosser to me.

For both kids, we eventually bribed them (smarties) for pooping in the potty, but since they had the diaper option it wasn't ever truly a mess if they had a day or two where that just wasn't happening for some reason.

I guess I would sit down with him and say "what we're doing isn't working, so I want you to ask for a diaper when you need to poop. We'll try that for a while, and then maybe when it's warmer, we'll see if it works to poop in the potty."

I think that your husband is on the right track - you really do have to disengage with this process and trust that he will learn in his own good time. Since I agree that cleaning up poop out of clothes is disgusting, I offer the diaper option.

[dharmamama]

Check your son for food allergies. My dd was having problems with poop in her underwear and we discovered that she had a milk protein allergy. Eliminating milk protein from her diet eliminated the poop issues.

Btw, children can be chronically constipated and still poop. I didn't know it either, but after we discovered the milk allergy and I did some reading about it, I discovered that my daughter displayed a lot of signs of constipation, but since she was pooping, I never considered that she might be constipated.

dm

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

Btw, children can be chronically constipated and still poop.

This was my son. he was slow to potty-train anyway, especially with poop, and everything became a battle. I wasn't the mom i wanted to be about it because I felt tremendous social pressure about his potty-training. Plus, in Holland where we live, kids start school at 4 so his accidents were having a negative effect on his social life at school.
we thought he couldn't be constipated because he was pooping. we took him to our dr., though, who explained that there can be chronic constipation that is "stopped up" so some poop gets around (and causes accidents) but not all. we got a very mild laxative and it's been fine since then.

if you've already gone this route, then ignore this advice!

[nancy926]

You could ask your son for some suggestions. Explain your point of view - that cleaning up his poop is messy and you don't feel like you should have to, or whatever you are feeling - and ask him what he thinks. I would not expect an answer right away - let him think about it.

Do you think the new baby might have something to do with it?

[Breeder]

My son would not poop in the potty at all. He stayed with my mom for a night, she told him "If you poop in the potty, we can change it colors." while showing him the food coloring.

He didn't have a poop accident after that. I don't know if it was having an outside source who wasn't frustrated at all with the process (i.e. his beloved Nanna) or the novelty of simply being able to turn his BM into a rainbow (he'd say "Bye Rainbow!" before flushing) but after such a long struggle it was magical. The food coloring was able to vanish after a month or two.

I know how frustrating this can be. I'm sorry you and your little guy have to go through it.

[mosky22]

First conratas to you for being such an understanding mama and give yourself a break. We can't always be the best mom, but we can be good enough. I'm sure you will get through this. I would also reccommend talking with him, see if he has anything to say about why he doesn't want to go in the potty or what he would prefer. Children can be incredibly insightful and often surprise us with simple solutions.

[DaytonsMom]

i really love that food coloring idea. i'm going to have to remember that for when ds is at that age. My mom, his nanna, would never have thought of this. what a cool mom/nanna!

[ahuva]

Wow. It's nice to "talk" this over with other mamas. I wanted to offer diapers again (just when at home. he doesn't have problems at school, interestingly enough), but my dh was strongly against the idea. I could bring it up again, though.

I'm not sure he would be able to tell me that he needed a diaper to poop in, because I think there is a lack of awareness issue going on too, but we could do a "diapers at home" thing.

Also, I never considered constipation or food allergies. If it was constipation causing accidents, then wouldn't he have them at school too? In any case, I think I might bring him to a doctor and see what they have to say.

Food coloring? Why not? I'll try anything!

Thanks ladies. This is already helpful.