Helping the introverted preschooler... - Page 2

[beanma]

Hi Miss Info,

I'm back. My dd1 is my challenging one. It's also more challenging for me because she's not like me! That's one thing I found very validating in the "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" book is that your kids may have a very different temperament from you. The book helped me to realize what may work to settle one kid down or one parent down may not work for another member of the family. And, likewise what triggers you may not trigger your dd and vice-versa. It's really about recognizing your needs and your children's needs and working out solutions to meet everyone's needs. I was so happy when I found that book because so many books, even though they may be very AP, are a one-size-fits-all philosophy and as the parent of a kid who definitely is not one-size-fits-all it really helped just to be validated. While all kids are unique I do think my dd1 (who sounds a lot like your dd2) is uniquer-er .

I think she may have/have had some sensory stuff and probably has some sensitivities, but anxiety plays a big part in her temperament, too. Luckily my dd2 is comparatively easy-going. She's much more compliant and willing to go along with suggestions and follow directions. She's plenty good at coming up with her own ideas, too, but she can bend her will to follow someone else's suggestion and for dd1 that sometimes seems like the end of the world!

She is incredibly INTENSE...LOUD...NEGATIVE...DEMANDING...PERSISTENT ...
but at the same time, can be incredibly cuddly and very empathic.

My dd1 is also very intense (not so loud, that goes to dd2), can be very negative and get "locked in" that state, definitely persistent, and not as demanding anymore (she's almost 7). She definitely can be very cuddly, but she is not empathic about real people, however, a story-line with the least bit of drama will send her over the edge. She feels fine to whack her sister over the head, though, and wouldn't necessaily be upset to see dd2 or one of us parents upset. Sometimes, though, that little light of empathy does shine through.

Strong reactions from others wound her deeply. Even just being firm or raising our voices or telling her she did something wrong or hurtful will end up making her run from the room in tears.

This is sounding like "The Highly Sensitive Child". My dd1 just blows it all off and goes on her merry way, unless I bring out the voice of doom and then she seems to show some remorse. She actually is getting better about this, too, though. DD2 is more sensitive in this way. We had a go 'round last night where dd2 was upset about the Tv being turned off and dh was upset about her being so loud (she's my loud one) and whining about TV. DH being upset made dd2 more upset and louder which, in turn made dh more upset and I thinkn you can see where this is going. Thankfully DH got so mad he left the room and then dd2 was able to calm down.

It would be a 60-40 chance she'd wake up either crabby or peaceful. And often she would have gotten locked into her emotional state.

That sounds like dd1. What I do with her is leave her an out. When she's locked into something, "I'll never go to the potty (wash hands, come to supper, read a book, pick up my toys, get dressed, etc)! I hate the potty! I never do that!" I try (emphasis on try) to respond calmly and let her know that we'll be waiting a the supper table whenever SHE DECIDES to join us. The emphasis is on it being her decision and that we'd like it, but I definitely try not to engage her in a power struggle about it because I will definitely lose my cool before she ever gives in. I also try to let her know that it is her decision to be crabby or be happy, that sometimes it takes some effort to make the switch, but she is in charge of her emotions they aren't in charge of her.

Right now, most times, she wouldn't use her words to communicate her needs (and she was quite capable of it, because she's been speaking in complete sentences since age 2).

Is this at home or school or both? I would probably explain that it makes it really hard for me to understand what's wrong if she won't talk (I repeat this at least once a day to my 4 yr old when she gets upset and loud). I can see she's upset (or wants something), but it's really hard for me to understand and I'd appreciate it if she'd use some words to tell me. Then when/if she does use words I'd give her a big hug and try to work with the request. (I would probably get her her own bowl of goldfish if she asked nicely.)

She often wants to be babied, and only recently has been wiping herself when toileting.

My 4 yr old loves to play Baby, too, and is starting to learn to wipe her bum. I don't think those are out of the realm of normal at all, especially with a little sister. The grunting thing is pretty annoying. Is that as part of pretending to be a baby? My 4 yr old (and sometimes the almost 7 yr old) will talk in baby-talk and ask me for things. It's annoying and sometimes I ask them to use their regular voices, but a lot of times I go along with it. They mostly love to talk and tell stories so we don't have the grunting issue too much.

She's teetering on a meltdown right now because I'm not addressing her needs, she's at a puddle on the floor crying because I'm not jumping up to get her fish crackers. Well, technically there are fish crackers in a bowl, but she doesn't want those crackers, she wants her own crackers.

Maybe she wanted you to get off the computer and pay attention to her? My kids do that and also when I'm on the phone :grrr . We have a cabinet of plastic stuff down low for the girls so in this situation I would say, "DD, I'm on the computer right now, but if you go to the cabinet and get yourself out a container I'll help you put some in if you'd like." With my dd2 that would probably work. With my dd1 at 4 it would've been 50/50 and depends on how far down the road to meltdown she'd gone.

So, while to some it may be normal. I don't think it's very normal.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that in my dd1's case it is one end of the spectrum of normal. I think my dd1 just has a very unusual temperament. She's highly, highly, highly imaginative, super-duper cautious (almost every question merits a "no" as a first reaction), prone to anxiety, super intense, and can be very persistent, but low movement (doesn't have a great need to jump around, etc, not spirited in that way, just emotionally). But I do think that she's within the range of normal although I have often, often wondered if there was something WRONG WITH THIS KID!? I have come to the conclusion, no, not really — just different. One thing that helps me is she's very much like my MIL who is a very sweet wonderful person who has been pretty successful at life and is happy and can take care of herself. That gives me hope!

That's why I look for answers and help. Because it's that, or... well I don't want to think about the or. I've wanted to run away from mothering because of dealing with this. Seriously. Walk away for good and find a new life without kids. Not a good situation for either of us.

Big, big, big .

I'll leave you with two more tidbits. One is an analogy. I often refer to my dd1 as a kitten. She's a kitten in a world of puppies. All the other little kids are really wanting to do what the teacher says and want to sit in the circle, etc, but they're puppies and they're wiggly and it's fun to play and hard to learn to "sit". Dd1 is the kitten in the room. She has no interest in learning to "sit". She wants to curl up in a sunny windowsill and maybe imagine playing with some yarn or something. She can be very sweet and cuddly, but it is just not her nature to want to please like it is to a puppy.

The other thing I wanted to leave you with is one more book recommendation. It's for "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. They have a website at http://www.thinkkids.org/ and the great thing about this book is while it is a one-size-fits-all approach they offer you concrete steps to try when you're running out of ideas. Their big thing is CPS (which stands for Collaborative Problem Solving rather than child protective services).

The cliff notes version is 3 steps.
1. You empathize with the child. You can't skip this step and it has to come first because that let the child know you are really interested in their feelings and working with them. "It sounds like you really want your own bowl of fish crackers." "YEAH!"

2. You define the problem. "Well we've got some crackers here in this bowl, but not another bowl to put them in for you, and I'm on the computer and am not at a good stopping place right now."

3. You invite the child to help you come up with a MUTUALLY AGREEABLE solution. "What do you think we should do?" Listen for their ideas and you are free to make suggestions of your own. Ideally this is all done before the heat of the moment.

It's a good book and I got some good ideas from it — the most important being empathize first even if it's just relective listening.

hth and sorry so long.

[Miss Information]

Oh...my...yes! This is extremely helpful. And while I will end up getting that book too, thank you for giving me the cliff notes version. I really need tools and it really takes a lot of time to go through the books to glean the important parts.

Thank you so much. I can't even begin to really thank you for taking the time to write this. I really do appreciate it, and I will be using these tidbits.

I love the kitten-puppy analogy. She is exactly that. Thanks so much for the analogy (I'm a huge cat lover too).

I'm really thinking she's gifted in some ways - because all of her sensitivities, her perfectionistic tendencies, and needing to have things the way she wants them all point to it. She's had some anachronistic development already (walked and talked early), but her emotional self-regulation is in need of help. I've read a few stories of the frustrations the gifted child has when they can conceptualize things but can't mechanically do them yet and it leads to a lot of frustration.

At any rate, she's definitely been an enigma, but I'm piecing together the pieces of the puzzle. Thanks for helping me with finding some of the pieces and some tips to work with her and not against her.

[beanma]

Miss Info,

I'm glad it helped, even if only to know there are other souls commiserating with you.

DD1 had a play at school today and the kids created their own costumes, etc. Well, I knew I'd better get there a little in advance because dd1 had been grumbling and griping and saying "I quit the play" and "I hate my costume", etc for awhile now and then alternately being very excited about it. Unfortunately I did not get there early enough to circumvent the meltdown, but I did get there in time to sop it up and fix the costume and paint her face and get her happy and then "tra, la, la, la" nothing had ever been wrong and she was the star of the show (at least in her eyes). She has no stage fright what so ever, but gets really anxious about things being "right" (in her eyes) so once she was satisfied with her costume, etc., it was okay. She actually did really great and loved it and all the kids were wonderful, but both teachers were saying to me as soon as I got there, "so glad you're here" in a very meaningful way. Oh that girl!

I think giftedness can probably 'cause some emotional issues. I think dd1 is certainly bright, but her verbal and auditory abilities are so far ahead and have always been so far ahead of her writing and reading skills that she is very easily frustrated with trying to sound out words. "That's a baby book!" I think she wants to just jump right into reading chapter books and skip the learning to read stage. She was an early talker, too, and just would listen and tell stories all day long.

Hope things get easier for you and connections closer .

[kmeyrick]

I would not be afraid. Growing takes care of a lot of it. We have a dear boy from Bangladesh who sounds a lot like your DD. Or at least, he was last year. He used to cry every day and hide in a corner, and never, ever spoke. He didn't speak the language, poor little guy, and his culture is probably quieter than that of the rest of my rough and tumble kids. Now he is cheerful, sweet, still a little shy, but loves to chat. He's light years better. Maybe your dd is on the same path.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by beanma

Miss Info,

I'm glad it helped, even if only to know there are other souls commiserating with you.

DD1 had a play at school today and the kids created their own costumes, etc. Well, I knew I'd better get there a little in advance because dd1 had been grumbling and griping and saying "I quit the play" and "I hate my costume", etc for awhile now and then alternately being very excited about it. Unfortunately I did not get there early enough to circumvent the meltdown, but I did get there in time to sop it up and fix the costume and paint her face and get her happy and then "tra, la, la, la" nothing had ever been wrong and she was the star of the show (at least in her eyes). She has no stage fright what so ever, but gets really anxious about things being "right" (in her eyes) so once she was satisfied with her costume, etc., it was okay. She actually did really great and loved it and all the kids were wonderful, but both teachers were saying to me as soon as I got there, "so glad you're here" in a very meaningful way. Oh that girl!

I think giftedness can probably 'cause some emotional issues. I think dd1 is certainly bright, but her verbal and auditory abilities are so far ahead and have always been so far ahead of her writing and reading skills that she is very easily frustrated with trying to sound out words. "That's a baby book!" I think she wants to just jump right into reading chapter books and skip the learning to read stage. She was an early talker, too, and just would listen and tell stories all day long.

Hope things get easier for you and connections closer .

Yeah, me too. Thanks. I'm going to be keeping up with my reading and practicing the tips and hopefully we'll get this worked out now, when the problems are small. I don't want her to have this affect her whole life. I just want my kids to feel good about themselves and be resilient when things just don't go as planned.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

I would not be afraid. Growing takes care of a lot of it. We have a dear boy from Bangladesh who sounds a lot like your DD. Or at least, he was last year. He used to cry every day and hide in a corner, and never, ever spoke. He didn't speak the language, poor little guy, and his culture is probably quieter than that of the rest of my rough and tumble kids. Now he is cheerful, sweet, still a little shy, but loves to chat. He's light years better. Maybe your dd is on the same path.

I hope so. I did ask her if she liked school, and she said yes, so she seems to like it much better. I need to get my MIL to watch my other two, because I'd really like to observe her again. She's always excited to go her 2 days a week and is a bit sad she can't go the other days. But next year, she will be going 3 days a week. She will be going to the same place for pre-K. She won't have to change schools until she's 6 when she goes to K. Maybe by then, between normal maturation and with me helping her, she will be more relaxed about being in school.

[EnviroBecca]

"Normal" and "typical" are not the same thing. I think your daughter is within the range of normal but toward the edge of that range. It's not only abnormal people who sometimes need special attention and help to function optimally. Your feeling that something is off-kilter here and needs attention is completely warranted.

By suggesting family therapy, I didn't mean to suggest that the problem lies with you or your parenting rather than your daughter's natural temperament. What I'm thinking is that at her age, therapeutic techniques for her alone are pretty limited, so things that you and she can do together may be more effective.

It sounds to me like there are two separate things going on in this one little package:
1. She is shy or introverted or experiencing some type of social anxiety.
2. She is emotionally highly sensitive and explosive.
Those two things interact, and both are involved at once in some situations, but they're different.

A girl who's in her fourth year in my Girl Scout troop, now 10 years old, is sensitive and explosive like that (but not remotely shy or introverted--she loves to be the center of attention, no matter how many people are around!). She has improved incredibly on a low-sugar diet. It used to be that the slightest disappointment (and she's quite the hatcher of elaborate schemes, so disappointments are frequent) would send her into a shrieking, sobbing, foot-stamping rage in five minutes or less. Now, she does get hurt and agitated, but she's much more rational and can vent her feelings with one "AAGGH!!!" and then speak in a slightly loud voice, pause to let others explain their positions, and actually think about what they are saying. She's still impatient and demanding, but not to a degree that makes me want to strangle her every week. Huge, huge improvement! As she's matured, her parents have relaxed the rule from "no added sugars at all" to "limited sugar, balanced diet, careful timing" and she's become skillful at recognizing imbalanced feelings and taking appropriate action. For example, she can have a toasted marshmallow on a full stomach, but when she feels her sugar level start to drop about 30 minutes later, she needs an apple or something to prop her up with a less extreme sugar. Anyway, it's worth watching your daughter's diet relative to her outbursts to see if you can pick up any pattern, and you might try cutting back on sugar to see if it makes a difference.

Edited to add: I think your hunch that your daughter is gifted may well be correct. I was a gifted kid and have known many, and intense, deeply felt, long-lasting emotions do seem to be a common trait. In addition to the frustration issues you mention, I think that intellectual maturity ahead of one's emotional maturity can make problems seem bigger than they are--your neighbor's cat gets run over by a car, and not only are you sad that the cat died, but you vividly imagine what it must've felt like, and you get to thinking about how everyone you know is going to die someday and about all the situations in which a car could hit someone you love and how cars could smash together and kill everyone inside, and pretty soon you're bawling about all the pain and suffering of the whole world and the dreadful transience of life itself, and it takes hours just to stop crying, and two months later you can't think of cats or cars or look over toward the neighbor's house without feeling sick and snapping at the next person who happens to speak to you. I was like that as a kid, and the above Girl Scout is too--despite being generally a much more cheerful and less nervous kid than I was, when something bad happens to someone she is hit by a runaway train of empathy and worry. She is extremely bright academically, very creative and quick-thinking and an eager problem-solver in daily life, and she is going to be a really cool adult. It's hard for a little brain and body to handle such big feelings and ideas all connected to one another...but in the long run, IMO, the head start on processing that stuff leads to greater ability to wrestle with difficult issues as an adult, because you've made so many connections and gotten used to so many troubling realities already.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

"Normal" and "typical" are not the same thing. I think your daughter is within the range of normal but toward the edge of that range. It's not only abnormal people who sometimes need special attention and help to function optimally. Your feeling that something is off-kilter here and needs attention is completely warranted.

By suggesting family therapy, I didn't mean to suggest that the problem lies with you or your parenting rather than your daughter's natural temperament. What I'm thinking is that at her age, therapeutic techniques for her alone are pretty limited, so things that you and she can do together may be more effective.

It sounds to me like there are two separate things going on in this one little package:
1. She is shy or introverted or experiencing some type of social anxiety.
2. She is emotionally highly sensitive and explosive.
Those two things interact, and both are involved at once in some situations, but they're different.

Actually, therapy of any kind would probably be helpful - family or even for just me...

I have my own issues I'm dealing with. Mostly dealing with issues stemming from not having a life outside my kids anymore. I quit my science career to be with my children, because I always felt I needed to be with my kids if I ever had any (and I was already missing out on part of their childhood). My vision for them was to enrich their lives, create a memorable childhood for them, and send them off into adulthood with a strong foundation. But my reality has not been like that. Instead, I'm sad at the life I left behind, I was overwhelmed for a while because I had 3 children in 3.5 years, and while they are good, wonderful children, the dynamic with my dd2 has made it really hard to cope with. Add also a 2.75 year old who is getting to be really stubborn lately herself. I find her mimicking some of the same responses dd2 exhibits.

Sometimes it feels so lonely and it's hard to cope. I'm highly sensitive (and unfortunately, explosive sometimes too because I feel there's no hope).

Yeah, I need to work more on the sugar thing. While we try to eat whole foods for meals, our snacks leave a lot to be desired. They eat granola bars just about every day and Frutubu (organic smooshed fruit) fruit rollups. But two older kids are always bringing treats home from school (holiday parties, birthday parties, etc) or my MIL will send stuff for the kids. I try really hard to limit their intake of sugary snacks, but not always successful at it.

I've read some of the book, Little Sugar Addicts. I see my dd3 being a little Sugar Addict more so than dd2. Dd3 is constantly looking for a sugary treat. And I find I'm too much of a pushover with her. She's very demanding and throws her own fit when she doesn't get a treat. So I cave and end up giving her a little hershey's kiss or something (anything small to stop her screaming tantrum).

Anyway, thanks for trying to help.

[Flor]

This has been a very interesting read for me. My son often refuses to speak in public, is very guarded at school, does not play much with other children, gets very set in his emotions, he is very intesnse and hard to deal with at home, but school/friends think I'm crazy because he's so quiet around everyone else, he takes forever to "warm up" . . .

Montessori school has been very good for him. There are so many routines that his social anxiety is less. He can work all day next to, but not quite with, other kids so he feels social and can observe without really interacting (if he chooses). He would absolutley not function in a classroom that required group activiites. He didn't even come to the rug for circle time for the first 6 month s of preschool. I'm so thankful that his teachers saw this as an anxiety and not as being naughty. More later. . .

[Miss Information]

Flor - please do come back and add more.

Two things have happened recently. I have called a montessori school and have asked about Kindergarten admissions. She's not eligible for K in public school until 2009, so I have a little time to investigate this option further. There is an open house in the montessori school in March, so I may just have to investigate that for her.

I will be going to that and seeing about it. I have montessori sensory things at home (see my blog to see what kinds of stuff we're doing), so she will kind of understand some things (except of course higher quality materials).

We did have a play date with the only other girl in her class. I was babysitting my neighbor's dd while she went to her son and my dd2's class for the valentine's day party. She knew I've been wanting to get my dd and the other child on a play date. So she invited the girl and the mom (she also knew the mom) to her house, knowing we'd be there. So, it turned out that dd2 played so nicely, was as outgoing as she normally is at home, and talkative and everything. Maybe, she will feel more comfortable at her preschool now. It will be interesting to see how she does next week.

[Flor]

Playdates with one child are a good idea. We've had this problem though. Ds will even be the one to suggest the playdate. I call the mom, arrange it, then when we arrive, he totally freezes up. Once he just sat on my lap for 45 min while the little girl that we invited to the park just played with other kids. Another time we were invited to a "party" (just 3 kids from school) and ds sat on my lap the entire time and flat out refused to do some of the activities. In the first case, I actually felt kinda bad for the little girl-- she came to play with ds and he just wasn't ready. After 45 minutes he "warmed up" but then her mom was about ready to go home. Bummer. It isn't always like that though. After several playdates with the same kids, he is getting more used to it. . . though sometimes, like last week, he tells me he wants a playdate with a little girl, I set it up, but on that day he freaks out has a big tantrum refusing to go (good thing she was sick andhad to cancel).

Do check out the Montessori school. I've been surprised that even "child centered" play-based preschools are actually very teacher driven. They are expected to do things as a group, start and finish at the same time, and participate. This is sooo stressful to ds. He just shuts down. The M set up has given him confidence. He always knows what to do, how to do it, and can gracefully not do something without it being a big deal. I just couldn't picture him in public kindy.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by Flor

Playdates with one child are a good idea. We've had this problem though. Ds will even be the one to suggest the playdate. I call the mom, arrange it, then when we arrive, he totally freezes up. Once he just sat on my lap for 45 min while the little girl that we invited to the park just played with other kids. Another time we were invited to a "party" (just 3 kids from school) and ds sat on my lap the entire time and flat out refused to do some of the activities. In the first case, I actually felt kinda bad for the little girl-- she came to play with ds and he just wasn't ready. After 45 minutes he "warmed up" but then her mom was about ready to go home. Bummer. It isn't always like that though. After several playdates with the same kids, he is getting more used to it. . . though sometimes, like last week, he tells me he wants a playdate with a little girl, I set it up, but on that day he freaks out has a big tantrum refusing to go (good thing she was sick andhad to cancel).

Do check out the Montessori school. I've been surprised that even "child centered" play-based preschools are actually very teacher driven. They are expected to do things as a group, start and finish at the same time, and participate. This is sooo stressful to ds. He just shuts down. The M set up has given him confidence. He always knows what to do, how to do it, and can gracefully not do something without it being a big deal. I just couldn't picture him in public kindy.

Fortunately, my dd's current preschool teacher is supportive enough where she doesn't make my dd participate in the singing/dancing that they do every session (2x a week). All she asks is that dd stand up and sit down when everyone else does. The only reason the teacher asks her to do that, is because if my dd sits down when everyone else stands, the other children start sitting down too.

I was wondering how the playdate would go over too. It may have helped that it was right after school, it was at my neighbor's house (and we've been there plenty of times), and she's really relaxed around my neighbor's son and my other two children were there. And my dd is really comfortable around my neighbor, so the whole thing was pretty comfortable for her. She did have a small meltdown when she didn't get the Santa bowl for her popcorn, and cried for about 3 minutes over it, and I thought the playdate would have to end, but I took her aside and rocked her, and she really didn't want to leave, so she decided to calm down and go back to eating the popcorn in her own bowl.

But I do know what you mean. That happens with another child and my dd1. She wants playdates, but at least once she took a long while to warm up, but then eventually did.

[Miss Information]

Wow! We had another playdate today. Guess how that all came down? Dd2 whispered to the friend at school yesterday that she wanted to go over to her house to play with her. So I think this is great progress.

So we went and the girls had a great time. I think I would like to go to her school and see how she's doing next week.

She seems to absolutely adore this little girl, and the parents are really nice too. So I think it will be a good thing for both of them (the friend is an only child).

[beanma]

hooray! one on one playdates are wonderful for the introverted kid. It really helps them ease into relationships at school and things start to seem a lot less overwhelming. Congrats.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by beanma

hooray! one on one playdates are wonderful for the introverted kid. It really helps them ease into relationships at school and things start to seem a lot less overwhelming. Congrats.

Well, it was more like 3 on 1 (my three kids and the friend). But they got along really nicely. And I really like the parents. Though I must say, it's hard to keep up with the conversations with them, because they literally talk at the same time. And the four kiddos were running around their home squealing with delight and it was quite interesting. And apparently the husband thinks we were pleasant enough, because he asked if me and dh and the kids wanted to join them for dinner (there was a place that had kids free with an adult purchase).

At any rate, I couldn't because I had previous evening plans, but it was nice that we were asked.

[Miss Information]

Sigh....

Well, at school today, she didn't speak to her friend. And when the teacher asked all the kids to spell their names out loud, my dd wouldn't. She knows how. She knows how to write it just fine and say it at home. I guess I shouldn't have expected an instant change, but still...

I think I ought to go visit again and discuss with the teacher and director how she's doing.

I will have to make sure to go to that M school and find out more about it. I'm not sure public school will be the right place for her if she doesn't want to talk when the teacher says they need to.

[EmsMom]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Here's an article on shyness with some good advice about social situations. Important point: Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not fear social encounters like shy people do. "If you see two people standing by a wall at a party," Carducci says, "the introvert is there because he wants to be. The shy person is there because he feels like he has to be." Read that and Caring for Your Introvert and see which one sounds more like your daughter.

I just wanted to thank you for this. I am an introvert in a long line of introverts. My kids seem to be to, especially my ds at 4. However, I was also shy as a child and adolescent. I really didn't realize until I was an adult that I was shy because I was an introvert and while I was perfectly comfortable living in my own world, I had the distinct impression that my introvertedness was not OK and that I "should" be like other kids. Now that I know that my introverdedness (is that a word?) and my highly sensitive nature are a part of my wonderful, unique, delightful and lovable self, I am shy only on the very rarest of occasions. When hanging out with judgemental types, primarily. My little introver ds, age 4-1/2, just prefers to not be around other kids his own age. He has some freinds (usually older), is well behaved at home and at school (as far as I know!), gets his work done and enjoys quiet play like legos, reading, drawing, trains, building. Talks when he needs to. Man, I just don't even know what I would do if I had extremely extroverted kids!

[RomanGoddess]

Originally Posted by Miss Information

Sigh....

Well, at school today, she didn't speak to her friend. And when the teacher asked all the kids to spell their names out loud, my dd wouldn't. She knows how. She knows how to write it just fine and say it at home. I guess I shouldn't have expected an instant change, but still...

Hmm, it sounds like your DD is shy and somewhat introverted. Just to let you know, my DD would have acted exactly the same way. She does NOT like to be asked to "perform" in front of people.

Ask yourself this: is there really anything wrong with not being willing to recite in front of the class? I suppose it would be nice if my daughter were willing to do that but I simply don't think that this is an aspect of her personality that I would be able to change, even if I wanted to. She just doesn't like being put on the spot in front of people, period. (And quite frankly, neither do I). It says nothing of her intelligence, what she is like when she plays with her friends, or her other capabilities.

I would forget about your daughter's shyness (and introvertedness, if she is also introverted) and work on her ability to "regulate her emotions" as you put it above. This latter issue will be far more important to her in life. It's emotional intelligence, which is considered even more important than IQ in its effect on grades in school, achieving goals, getting a job, working with other people, the list goes on....

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

Hmm, it sounds like your DD is shy and somewhat introverted. Just to let you know, my DD would have acted exactly the same way. She does NOT like to be asked to "perform" in front of people.

Ask yourself this: is there really anything wrong with not being willing to recite in front of the class? I suppose it would be nice if my daughter were willing to do that but I simply don't think that this is an aspect of her personality that I would be able to change, even if I wanted to. She just doesn't like being put on the spot in front of people, period. (And quite frankly, neither do I). It says nothing of her intelligence, what she is like when she plays with her friends, or her other capabilities.

I would forget about your daughter's shyness (and introvertedness, if she is also introverted) and work on her ability to "regulate her emotions" as you put it above. This latter issue will be far more important to her in life. It's emotional intelligence, which is considered even more important than IQ in its effect on grades in school, achieving goals, getting a job, working with other people, the list goes on....

I know. I should not worry about how her shyness at 4 would affect her in the future. After all, she doesn't have to go to K until she's 6. There's still a lot of time for her to grow in that time.

Overall, she is better than she had been in the past year. She doesn't come home from and melt down like she did at the beginning of the year. I have learned to get her a snack, and just cuddle with her a bit while she decompresses from school.

Even yesterday, she didn't flip out that she couldn't go to our next door neighbor's house for a playdate (because she's coming down with a cold and they have an infant in the home). So that is a wonderful thing. Last year, she'd be crying for at least 15-20 minutes over it. Instead, I just made popcorn and turned on a movie and watched it with them.

I don't know, it's very strange. We'll have a series days of relative calm, then a string of days that's just one upset after another. Maybe yesterday we had a good day because we marble painted in the morning. She seemed to enjoy that a lot.

[RomanGoddess]

Originally Posted by Miss Information

I know. I should not worry about how her shyness at 4 would affect her in the future. After all, she doesn't have to go to K until she's 6. There's still a lot of time for her to grow in that time.

I really encourage you NOT to hold your daughter back in kindergarten when she is fully SIX years old just because she is shy. From what you have described, she is already intellectually ready for kindergarten. Please don't hold her back from pursuing things that her intelligence enables her to do because she is shy. Why should she not be allowed to enter kindergarten at age 5, with all the extraverted or non-shy kids. Why are they more "ready" than she is? Shyness and introversion are personality traits, not signs that you are "socially immature". Moreover, she is not necessarily going to be any less shy at 6 or 7 or 18.

Sorry for the mini-rant but this hits home with me. I was extremely shy and somewhat introverted at age 5 and VERY ready for kindergarten.