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I need help...

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
My grandfather died two years ago. He was beaten severely 14 years before his death and due to the blood transfusion he recieved he contracted Hepatitis C. He got sick two years ago and was admitted to the hospital, he had a blood infection due to the Hep. He died as a result of it.
My dad is having problems letting go of the loss of his father. Everytime and anytime he thinks of his dad he only feels pain at the loss of him. He is CONSTANTLY telling me "its unfair, he shouldn't have died so young, suffering so many tragedies in his life. My grandfather was 91 when he died. It's so unfair." His dad was 67.
I understand his feeling. Its unfair that my grandfather died when he was so strong. It's unfair that he was kind enough to pick up a hitchhiker claiming to be a stranded cop and the crack addict ended up beating him nearly to death with his pistol, then leaving him for dead in a ditch. It's not fair that such a kind and loving man would have to suffer such pain.
But he did. And he was proud everyday of his life afterward. He was proud to have survived when the doctors said he would die. He loved his family more than anything and he was proud of them. He loved gardening and working with the earth to grow food for his family, for the love of growing something. THIS is what I remember of him, and when I remember him, I am happy, his memory fills my heart with such love and warmth...
But my dad....

My dad is filled with pain every time he thinks of his father. He is constantly depressed over his loss, he is always blaming himself for his fathers death. My grandfathers body was shutting down and the doctors told my dad that his body was done, it could not take anymore. They could try to revive him, but it wouldn't do any good. So my dad decided to let him go. I worry that he will never forgive himself.

I've tried over and over, in every terminolgy I can think of to help him to let go of this pain. To remember his dad the way I do.. the way he would want to be remembered; as a strong, loving man who loved his family and his life to the fullest extent. I know in my heart that he would have died happy, but I just cannot make my dad understand this. I can't help him with his pain. I tell him that outrage in the the name of fairness is not going to help him, its useless. That to be so sad at the memory of his father is not giving his father the honor he deserves. He chooses instead to berate himself and focus on the hardships his dad endured and how unfair it was to him to have to experience such pain.

The loss of his father is really the only real pain my dad has endured. He's had one of those "happy" lives.

I cannot find a way to help him with this pain and its killing me that he's hurting so badly still... if you have any advice for me, please share!
post #2 of 9
Well he'll probably never let go of his father. Another thing is everyone grieve's differently. 2 years might be enough for one person and another may still be mourning 5 years later. My friend lost her mother 5 years ago and is still sad about her all the time and she still cries a lot about her mother.

You can't help him get rid of this pain this is something he has to get through himself. just be there for him, help him with his burden. When he starts talking about bad times ask him about happy memories. Try to stear the conversation towards happy memories. Get him some books on grief.

Grief is a VERY VERY personal journey and NO one grieves the same and there is no set limit on how long one grieves
post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 
Thank you, but I do do all that... he just doesn't hear me. He's stuck, he's choosing to be stuck in this pain and there's nothing I've been able to tell him that has helped. I feel so useless
post #4 of 9
Then truthfully, i'd just listen to him. As long as you don't think he's a danger to himself physically just allow him to grieve how he wishes and just listen if he wants to talk
post #5 of 9
Thread Starter 
I've been trying that whole "listen if he wants to talk" thing for awhile now. But it hurts me to see him in such pain, when I have such happiness when I think of my grandfather. My dad accuses me of "getting off easy" because I'm not burdened with such pain when I remember him. I explain to him that its not easy missing him; it hurts me too, but I remember him for everything that he meant to me, everythign that he taught me and my dad misses him for all that he lost.

Honestly, I pride myself on the understanding of human nature and I understand WHY he's doing this to himself, but I have no idea how to help him, in fact I'm starting to believe that I can't help him. And that sucks.
post #6 of 9
It does suck but it is very likely you can't help him. I know that's not what you want to hear but there are no words that will make it better. You can focus on remembering the happy times but not everyone can do that.

I don't care to understand human nature but I sure understand grief. Not being able to help his does suck BUT you just listening to him talk helps him, you don't see it but it helps
post #7 of 9
Thread Starter 
I do try to remember that, but I'm not used to being so useless when someone is in pain. I usually the one people call to talk to....
post #8 of 9
I wish I could just give you a huge hug hun. I can tell how much you love your dad from your posts : Would you mind if I say some prayers for your dad?
post #9 of 9
Thread Starter 
I would feel blessed if you would say a prayer for him, thank you for your thougths and care...
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