Excluded from hs'ing "group" activities

[darien]

There's no official hs'ing group in our area, but there are a bunch of families that seem to be involved in every possible activity available to hs'ers.

There's one family that hosts two different clubs my 11 year old ds loves. The engineering-related club had no space for him last year, so we expressed our great interest, and asked to be on the "waiting list" for this year. He did the arts-related club last year, enjoyed it very much, and received much praise for his skill and dedication.

Ds also had a personality conflict with one of the other boys, who is in both clubs, and is the best buddy of the hosting family's ds. Nothing major happened-- they just bickered and bothered each other more than anyone wanted to deal with.

This year, ds was not invited to join the engineering club. I thought they were full again, but then found that wasn't true. They had added 2 kids, AND had space to add 2 more, at their discretion (official rules).

We have also received no notice about the arts club, despite the fact that 1) the rules state that the club starts in January, 2) my ds made it quite clear that he DID want to participate this year, 3) there are no restrictions on the # of participants in this club, and 4) I have spoken in person and by email to the hosting family's mom on a number of recent occasions (about unrelated matters), so she definitely had opportunities to talk to me or ds about the clubs.

Is there something else to assume, other than that my ds is being excluded on purpose?

I could try to start my own groups, but we'd be in direct "competition," as this family lives within walking distance from my house, and we have overlapping social/educational circles. I don't want to get into a "pissing contest!"

I respect the right of this family to choose who they associate with, but I'm so that they're cutting off my kid! I also don't want to have to drive ds to the next COUNTY so he can join clubs and have hs'ing friends.

What can I do?

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by darien

There's no official hs'ing group in our area, but there are a bunch of families that seem to be involved in every possible activity available to hs'ers.

There's one family that hosts two different clubs my 11 year old ds loves. The engineering-related club had no space for him last year, so we expressed our great interest, and asked to be on the "waiting list" for this year. He did the arts-related club last year, enjoyed it very much, and received much praise for his skill and dedication.

Ds also had a personality conflict with one of the other boys, who is in both clubs, and is the best buddy of the hosting family's ds. Nothing major happened-- they just bickered and bothered each other more than anyone wanted to deal with.

This year, ds was not invited to join the engineering club. I thought they were full again, but then found that wasn't true. They had added 2 kids, AND had space to add 2 more, at their discretion (official rules).

We have also received no notice about the arts club, despite the fact that 1) the rules state that the club starts in January, 2) my ds made it quite clear that he DID want to participate this year, 3) there are no restrictions on the # of participants in this club, and 4) I have spoken in person and by email to the hosting family's mom on a number of recent occasions (about unrelated matters), so she definitely had opportunities to talk to me or ds about the clubs.

Is there something else to assume, other than that my ds is being excluded on purpose?

I could try to start my own groups, but we'd be in direct "competition," as this family lives within walking distance from my house, and we have overlapping social/educational circles. I don't want to get into a "pissing contest!"

I respect the right of this family to choose who they associate with, but I'm so that they're cutting off my kid! I also don't want to have to drive ds to the next COUNTY so he can join clubs and have hs'ing friends.

What can I do?

Call them and ask to talk about it. Also, assume that there's more to the story than you might know or might be acknowledging. Occasional bickering, as you've described it, seems an insufficient cause for being banned. What are they -- the HS version of MDC?

[sha_lyn]

Several yrs ago one of the local groups had a meeting to set up a few clubs, such as book clubs. I was really interested in hosting the pre-teen/young teen club that DS would be in. Another mother and I were put together to plan the club.
While she claimed to be an unschooler, her children were placed off in a corner to do school work while all the other kids were on the other side of the room playing pretty quietly together.
Apparently she was put off that my children were "running wild" instead of doing school work doing school hrs. She was insistent that the club couldn't meet "during school hrs" and that the children had no input on what books they would read. She wanted to chose the list of books herself.

We were suppose to talk via email and set things up but she ignored all my emails.She then sent a list out to the group with the "rules" of the group, the "list of members" etc. Needless to say DS and I were not on the list of members.

I think she had 1 meeting with a light turnout and from then on no one else showed up.

I was very upset for a long time over it, but after reading her very judgmental post on that groups yahoo group it was clear that she had problems with almost everyone.

[kwg]

i think i would call and ask........maybe they forgot esp. if it was last year. stinks though! can he join in late?

[Ruthla]

I would start by contacting them directly and asking about it- it may have been an honest oversight.

If not, then go ahead and start your own club- see if you can get their schedule so you can plan your events around theirs so that other people could attend both clubs if they want to.

[Callimom]

I'm a bit confused about how this non-group is structured. Where are these programs hosted and how are other homeschoolers informed about them? If they are first come first served then I don't think they should be excluding your son. But if they are more of a by invitation situation then I think that is a different thing.

If it is invitation based, I think your answer may be in the bickering and bothering "which was more than anyone else wanted to deal with". I am happy to organize stuff like the science fair, large field trips etc and everyone is welcome. When I organize something that is more "invitation only" than open to our broader homeschool group I will generally not invite kids who don't 'work' with my kids or the other kids I have invited. My primary purpose in organizing that kind of program (co-op, learning club, art class, lego club etc) is to benefit my own kids and if there are other kids who are going to take away from my kids experience or interest in participating, or in my ability to run a successful program, frankly I won't invite them. It's not my job to accommodate everyone else's kids or needs at the expense of my own kids enjoyment or education.

Perhaps you could talk to the parents and offer to be at the program to help your son get along better with this other child. In anycase I think I would just start stuff for my own kid and invite people you are interested in connecting with or who you think would be a good fit for your program.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

When I organize something that is more "invitation only" than open to our broader homeschool group I will generally not invite kids who don't 'work' with my kids or the other kids I have invited. My primary purpose in organizing that kind of program (co-op, learning club, art class, lego club etc) is to benefit my own kids and if there are other kids who are going to take away from my kids experience or interest in participating, or in my ability to run a successful program, frankly I won't invite them. It's not my job to accommodate everyone else's kids or needs at the expense of my own kids enjoyment or education.

This seems reasonable to me. I think if I organized something and there was a child coming who didn't get along with my children, I probably wouldn't invite that child back unless a parent were willing to come along.

And it wouldn't be that I thought my own child was "Little Miss Perfect" while the other child was a demon: it's just that I'm there to help my own children, not actively parent other people's kids, and if another child seems to need a lot of maintenance, I don't really see that as my job. I'm not a public school teacher.

I'm sad that they just didn't invite you back, though! That seems really unkind. If I were hosting an activity and had had difficulties with your child, I'd talk with you and see if you could come with your child, rather than moving straight to excluding your child.

Perhaps you could talk to the parents and offer to be at the program to help your son get along better with this other child.

Yes, this seems like a very positive solution.

In anycase I think I would just start stuff for my own kid and invite people you are interested in connecting with or who you think would be a good fit for your program.

Yeah, it's not a "pissing contest" if you're being deliberately excluded. And Washington D.C. isn't a small town, either: I'll bet there are tons of homeshooling families that you can hook up with. Best wishes!

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by darien

I respect the right of this family to choose who they associate with, but I'm so that they're cutting off my kid!

I feel for you, really, but you might just have to move on. If this was an organized group, then I'd agree with pp who said to call and ask why your son was not called from the waiting list, or included in invitations, ect. But this sounds more like a group of friends who just get together for certain activities. (I'm a little confused about because you said it's not really a group, and yet you mentioned "official rules.")

Honestly, if this happened with one of my kids, ("they just bickered and bothered each other more than anyone wanted to deal with.") I wouldn't be looking to hook up with that group. Sometimes kids just clash--it might be hard not to take it personally, but sometimes people just don't click. It happens. Not everyone will get along.

I don't think there's anything wrong with contacting some of the other families and setting up activities with them though. You won't be competing with them, just adding to the assortment of activities available.

[lilyka]

I totally agree with Karen.

when we do invitation only stuff we are very selective and pick only kids that work well with our kids, ones who are similarly disciplined and have the same behavioral expectations. We also stick with people who school similarly because they seem to have the same expectations from a class. If i am organizing and hosting a club it is for my children and while I might let a new family try it out I am not likely to invite them back if they don't work out.

That said . . .

Have you actually asked them about these clubs? its sounds like you are waiting for them to send an invitation but I may be misreading that. Don't wait. Call them up and say "arte you doing this club this year if so are there any openings?" also be proactive about your ds behavior. if here were problems last year volunteer to be there to help him meet the groups expectations (and be sure you get a clear answer from them on what the expectations are) Maybe they don't really have a waiting list. We belong to a well organized co-op and our waiting list only applies to mid semester openings. fall registration is every man for himself. and we don't go to great lengths to hunt people down. The burden to find out about registration and get it done is on them.

Don't be shy. call these people up and let them know you guys are interested. Organizing may not be their forte.