Feeling outcast...

[simplelah]

I work with almost entirely older (15 YEARS minimum) women. I am "out" but most people don't "get" it.
A co-worker who I was closer to has recently become very short with me and has started brushing me off. Let's call her DD. Most people speak to me like I am a leper or something. I just found out from another co-worker (and one of the very few who are anything close to supportive) that the good friend I thought I had was anything but. When the other co-worker (let's call her the new girl...) started, DD came over and told her that I lived with an "it" and some other assorted stuff about my slutty?? ways.

I just feel like I have no one here. My clients all ask about my husband, boyfriend etc. I hate the straight assumption. Hate it.

I am just so frustrated here for 1000 other reasons and feeling like people think you are less of a person for not fitting their mold just pisses me off.

[starling&diesel]

Hard times, hon.
Is there (by ANY chance) an anti-harassment policy at your place of work?

[gamitzer]

It is frustrating, and I do think it may have to do with the age of your coworkers. My coworkers are all pretty much mid 20s to mid 30s and none have batted an eye about me having a wife and baby. But when I trained a new person who was about 50, he just didn't get it at all. Like, completely clueless. After our son was born, my boss told the guy I trained about it, explaining that my partner had our son. He didn't get it at all, and kept saying he had no idea I was pregnant.
I am pretty much assumed straight by everyone, though, so I know what you mean about how annoying that can get. At my old job, I had more conservative coworkers, and had a small group of people who knew I was gay. Once we decided to get married, though, I was more open about my life. I put a wedding photo on my desk, and used my wife's name when talking about her. I found that using her name made people ask me who she was, so I was able to explain more about my relationship. I had some coworkers who talked to me less and seemed to stop liking me, but I also had others who were happy I was in a good relationship and wanted to know more about my wife.
Honestly, the people that are rude or talk crap about you are idiots. I didn't have too many of those, but it sounds like you have a lot. I would do your best to ignore what they say about you, but if you feel you need to confront them, go ahead. Especially the one you thought was an ally. It's tough to decide. I mean, most of us leave work at work and don't think much about it. But you spend a LOT of your time at work and it sucks to have a bad relationship with people you have to see all day every day.
Wow, I had a lot to say, but not much advice, huh?

[smartycat]

Lah, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. I am really lucky that everyone at my work is actually quite supportive. They are all excited and ask how our TTC process is coming along. Heck, the other day, my boss even offered to be our donor!! I have had a few clients assume I have a husband but I don't think they are being rude, it is just their frame of reference.

I can't imagine working where I felt that I had to hide or that others judged me. I am sorry you have to feel that way at work and that your one "friend" back stabbed you. Just remember, they are the ones that suck. You continue to be brave and live your life and be happy. It is the best revenge against those idiots.

[Coco99]

I hear ya...
Thats rough... any chance that a talk with DD might help ? Probably not...

I work with domestic violence victims. I am careful about who I tell because I heared so many times before where people would say "you work in domestic violence because you hate men anyway"..... In my field it could make me lose my credibility as a therapist and as a trainer... I actually have to PLAY "boyfriend".....

Coco
xxxxxxxx

PS: this is not AT my workl since we are all queer actually !!! Its more when I go out of my work, to give trainings or working with lawyers, etc.

[Sugerson]

How frustrating!! Having worked in an accepting place - Berkeley and now being here is Oregon I am having the same struggle. The few people who know - I work at a middle school - are unwilling to ask about my "friend". It is heartbreaking to work with so many people that are not open to people being themselves. I often find my students are more accepting than my co-workers!! Yikes!! Some people pretend like I never said anything once they find out. I am "out" but feel like I should not have to make an announcement about it. The hetero privilage is often taken for granted. I cannot imagine how unsafe it feels for you at work right now...find your ally...then begin creating a safe space in your small area...where you spend most of your time. I actually have Safe Space stickers that I put up and it helps to identify my area of comfort. Those not willing, not welcome.

Hang in there...times are changing...but slowly...

[PixelDust]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[simplelah]

Ooh that reminds me... people reffering to Jess as my "friend". With the little air quotes. I hate that. I make sure I refer to her in terms so people know what I am comfortable with. I say partner or wife. They can too, or at least use her name... they know her name. It is so frustrating.

[frog]

Oh, LaH. I'm so sorry.

[TrippyLongstocking]

oh geez what a bunch of kids!:
if i were you and so many people were already openly rude to me i would put them on the spot whenever i could..ie: if you are in an open room with others around ask them openly..
"excuse me, are you being rude to me because im gay or because you have your own personal problems you need to deal with and you need someone to vent on?"

make sure to document everything if you are pursuing legal action.
otherwise just openly ask them when you hear them blabbing...
s
sending love to you :

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by TrippyLongstocking

oh geez what a bunch of kids!:
if i were you and so many people were already openly rude to me i would put them on the spot whenever i could..ie: if you are in an open room with others around ask them openly..
"excuse me, are you being rude to me because im gay or because you have your own personal problems you need to deal with and you need someone to vent on?"

make sure to document everything if you are pursuing legal action.
otherwise just openly ask them when you hear them blabbing...
s
sending love to you :

Or the alternative for the less confrontational among us:

Coworker: Did you have a nice vacation with your "Friend?"
You: Oh, did you mean my wife, Julie? Yes, my wife and I had a lovely time.

Best wishes - this sounds really hard. Do you have other places in your life that are more supportive?

[TrippyLongstocking]

Originally Posted by Diane B

Or the alternative for the less confrontational among us:

Coworker: Did you have a nice vacation with your "Friend?"
You: Oh, did you mean my wife, Julie? Yes, my wife and I had a lovely time.

Best wishes - this sounds really hard. Do you have other places in your life that are more supportive?

yah i guess im a bit confrontational at times

[simplelah]

I've been distancing myself from the un-supportive people and getting closer to those who are.

I only have to be here til July so I'm going to try to just deal but if I end up pregnant, I am sure I am going to here about it and I get a littttle hormonal when pregnant so it may not be so easy to keep my mouth shut

[rayo de sol]

Narrow-minded people like your coworkers make me depressed. I just don't get people sometimes. Sorry you have to work with bigots. Depending on the chances of getting fired, I might be prone to saying something like, "Hey, ----, why did you tell ---- that I'm a 'slut'?" Or maybe I would tell my supervisor that ---- was going out of her way to badmouth me, and that it is creating a hostile work environment.