I’m with alegna, whose post has been quoted so many times I needn’t quote it again, and Demeter9, who said: <<I would ask him also why he hates women so much, that being associated with something he considers female is so disgusting. >>
theatermom, I completely disagree with this:
<< The man made an unsophisticated, uneducated remark, but it was not a direct slur, and most likely it was an honest concern based on years of misinformation. Education starts with understanding, and if you can't meet an otherwise normal person (we're not talking hate groups here) halfway, how in the world are things supposed to change? >>
Nothing’s EVER going to change (i.e. we’ll NEVER overcome 5,000 years of patriarchy) if we women just keep being nicey-nice to sexist, homophobic men. I DON’T think that a sexist, homophobic man is an“otherwise decent/normal person,” or that it’s okay for a man to parent in a sexist/homophobic way. Saying “We’re not talking hate groups here” makes it sound like, “Hey, give him a break and let him say whatever - it’s not like he’s advocating for gay people to DIE!” That’s not enough. I know a woman whose misogynist husband treated her like crap, and his big “defense” of himself was, “Hey, it’s not like I BEAT you or anything.” Well whoopdee-doo! It doesn't make it okay!
I do not take sexism and homophobia lightly. I have no obligation to educate sexist and homophobic men. As a lesbian, I have the right to separate myself from sexist, homophobic men TO THE FULLEST EXTENT POSSIBLE if I so choose. No, I can’t always stay away from the men who yell obscene things at me from their truck windows, or leer at me in the grocery store, but I can choose who to spend time with and converse with. And I choose to not voluntarily spend time with, or talk with, men who exhibit sexist/homophobic beliefs and practices, such as the OP’s husband. It’s not my (or any woman’s) obligation to educate him or any other man about overcoming sexism.