I broached the subject of restoration - update post 6!

[Claire and Boys]

Sort of.
We've had a few issues lately in our relationship, mostly down to being tired with ds2 being up a lot and not having "relations" - sex has always been painful for us, and more so after each baby, partly due to BFing hormones I think, for years I thought it was my problem and since finding this site I've come to realise that a large part of it is probably down to his circumcision - high, tight etc. We're in the UK and he was circed due to alleged medical reasons that I don't buy. I know for a fact parents in those days here were told to retract and scrub the glans, as my mother told me her Dr told her that when she had my brother (who is the same age as DH) She didn't do it and my brother kept his foreskin....my DH however wasn't so lucky.

Anyway, I've been meaning to bring up the topic of restoration for a while but it's hard as DH has a lot of self esteem issues - maybe even down to his circ, who knows. I don't want him to think it's a physical attraction issue, or that I want to alter him because of that, or that I'd leave him if he didn't change, or whatever. I want him to restore because it will make sex better for him, as well as causing me less pain. But I'm aware that is is a long and tedious process (worth it though I think!)

So this morning we had a good chat and he told me the lack of sex was making him feel rejected. Truth is, sex hurts me, it has for a long time, and it's getting to a stage where I shy away from it. It's hard to get in the mood when you KNOW it's going to hurt. I said to him, "What if there was something that you could do, that would make sex less painful for me, as well as making it better/more pleasurable for you, would you do it?"
He said it would depend what it was. But he's willing to keep an open mind and talk to me about it. I think he has no clue what I mean but WISH ME LUCK. I'm now trawling around to get some good restoration links.

Is there any sites useful for us in broaching the subject...That explain the process, without too many graphic pics, and tastefully written etc? That's really what I'm looking for.

[Greg B]

Maybe you should just say something like "Well then hey look at this site I found...."

Make it a mutual exploration of curious stuff about sex. Everyone enjoys talking about sex (don't they?) and so it will not seem so pushy. Have him just read about things at his pace.

And in the meatime, my wife and I always have enjoyed mutual masturbation and other techniques beyond intercourse.

Best wishes, and feel free to im (or have him im) me for my perspective as a restoring guy.

Regards

[Claire and Boys]

Yes, artificial lubricants do help to some degree. But we have to keep reapplying, maybe 3 or 4 times in a session. I don't feel that this is normal, or the way that sex should be. He also complains of soreness after sex. It has always been this way for us. Sex without foreplay is completely impossible and very painful so we always have to do extensive foreplay PLUS the lubrication. (I can't tell him this, but I have never had this issue with previous, intact partners.) I had, until discovering CAC and fully understood what circumcision is and what is lost, always thought it was MY problem, something wrong with me.

He is considerate and hates that it hurts me. to the point that he cannot look at my face when we are making love, as he knows it is hurting and it will show. Again, it has always been that way. I have seen the Sex as Nature Intended It site and it is the outward stroke that is the worst. (sorry if tmi)

As for alternatives to intercourse - I do not know why, but my husband has never been able to relax and enjoy any alternative, manual or oral. Again I suspect the circ is at fault - he requires such hard/fast stimulation that it's not possible to provide in any other means but penetrative sex.

[thixle]

Claire

I really like Doug's manual restoration site, the first 2 or 3 methods work WONDERS on a tight circ... You know, when so much is gone there is nothing to tape to or position in any way. And you can do them together... That helped me soooo much, just knowing that I could, um, get familiar with my hubby's penis again without it hurting me Bittersweet, you know? DH and I have been manually stretching 1-2 times a day for ... a few months... and we are definately noticing the difference, and there is actually skin slightly "on" the glans when erect (yeah, tmi, but awesome progress!). We've had sex TWICE this week, which is just :

I'm a very blunt person by nature, and I just started talking to Dh about it one day. Showed him the "sex as nature intended" and made sure to tell him over and over there is nothing wrong with him (and there isn't), it was done to him, and we could try restoring to see if it helped. If nothing else, his penis would get more attention And he was taken back a little at first, yeah, it's pretty shocking news-- he had never thought a few scars could be hurting our sex life-- everyone was circ'ed when he was born.

I also thought all of our sex problems were my fault- I had a baby, I was breastfeeding, I had the episiotomy, I wasn't turned on... because it hurt to have sex. :

Anyway, I made the mistake of clicking on a link for devices that I hadn't seen before in front of DH-- It was a dual-tension device, the guy had it strapped to his chest, and the guy had scrotal piercings Talk about hubby having a reaction-- all I can say is shock and disgust! It took me a few minutes to convince him he didn't have to pierce anything and that it isn't a "sexual fetish" type thing... He is thinking about using a device now that he has enough skin, but, tuggers are REALLY intimidating at first glance.

Oh, and hubby got used to me looking at penises all day, too-- I swear, I looked at penii daily for about a month after I found CAC and started talking about restoration. I'm glad I was really straightforward once the first conversation of "I think there is something that can be done to improve our sex life" was over. I just let it snowball very quickly and all the raw emotions were out on the table at once, so to speak... it worked for us

http://foreskinrestorationchat.info/ is great, the discussion board is good, though slow. THe people are incredibly nice
http://foreskinrestorationchat.info/completeguide.htm is kind of the "instruction manual" for beginning restoration and not very graphic, either.

: good, confident vibes for you and your DH

[Claire and Boys]

Well - I did it! And he took it better than I could ever have hoped. Didn't bat an eyelid when I brought up his circ as being the possible root of our problems sexually, has agreed to look at some sites (I gave him all the ones you listed here) and says he will give manual restoration a go, he's a bit weirded out by the devices idea at the moment, but we will see in time.
He's open to the idea that it may take a good few years to restore. I think what clinched it was when I said that our problems will get worse, not better, with age, as his penis gets further keratinised, and this will in some way reverse the process - he wants us to enjoy sex better, and as he said, if it makes sex less painful for me, more pleasurable for him AND he gets more = win win situtation

I love him!

[Raelynn]

Originally Posted by Claire and Boys

Well - I did it! And he took it better than I could ever have hoped. Didn't bat an eyelid when I brought up his circ as being the possible root of our problems sexually, has agreed to look at some sites (I gave him all the ones you listed here) and says he will give manual restoration a go, he's a bit weirded out by the devices idea at the moment, but we will see in time.
He's open to the idea that it may take a good few years to restore. I think what clinched it was when I said that our problems will get worse, not better, with age, as his penis gets further keratinised, and this will in some way reverse the process - he wants us to enjoy sex better, and as he said, if it makes sex less painful for me, more pleasurable for him AND he gets more = win win situtation

I love him!

This is exactly how my DH took it!! I'm so happy for you! My DH started restoring in Nov and the difference is already very noticeable, and our sex life has improved drastically (I used to avoid him however possible). His motivating factor was just wanting sex more often LOL. Now that it feels better for him too, he is motivated to keep going.

[Claire and Boys]

I remember you posting that you had got DH to restore, Raelynn So cool that you're noticing results already. I can hardly wait for mine to start now

[Frankly Speaking]

Originally Posted by Claire and Boys

Yes, artificial lubricants do help to some degree. But we have to keep reapplying, maybe 3 or 4 times in a session.

This being true, circumcision is the genesis of your problems. But you may be more sensitive than most women. Three or four times reapplying lubricants seems excessive. There is a larger potential problem here. That pain you are experiencing is an indicator of trauma and research suggests that that trauma can lead to a condition called "female arousal disorder." In reality, it has nothing to do with arousal. It is a painful condition that affects post menopausal women and it is believed to be caused by cumulative trauma to the vaginal sphincter as a result of the abrasive action of the circumcised penis against the vaginal opening. There is a surgical procedure similar to a skin graft that has been used to treat it but the procedure has a low success rate. Female arousal disorder leaves intercourse so painful that the woman just can not tolerate it. Your husband restoring can end the trauma as there would no longer be the abrasive action. I suspect that if your husband understands this and the potential devastation to his sex life, he will embrace restoration.

I don't feel that this is normal, or the way that sex should be. He also complains of soreness after sex. It has always been this way for us.

No, it is not normal. Intercourse should be a completely pleasurable experience for the both of you. If pain were normal, it would endanger the human species survival. His complaints of soreness (I'm presuming the shaft skin becomes raw) is also unusual and indicates significant chafing. If he's experiencing this degree of friction, I can't imagine the degree your more tender parts are experiencing.

Sex without foreplay is completely impossible and very painful so we always have to do extensive foreplay PLUS the lubrication.

Yes, foreplay both lubricates the vagina and prepares it for penetration. Usually a long preparation time is not necessary but individual cases vary. It appears that you may be extra sensitive or your husband is significantly desensitized. Circumcised men have a tendency to take long forceful strokes to overcome the desensitizing effect of circumcision and this effect can vary in severity. Intact men do not have this to overcome and their strokes tend to be short and gentle and are thus more gentle with their partners.

(I can't tell him this, but I have never had this issue with previous, intact partners.) I had, until discovering CAC and fully understood what circumcision is and what is lost, always thought it was MY problem, something wrong with me.

As a circumcised man, I also thought all the problems were my partners fault. That was so wrong! I have restored and my lover has not always supported me but she did notice a significant difference and commented on it without prompting by me. Considering her stance, I thought it was an issue best left alone and didn't say anything.

He is considerate and hates that it hurts me. to the point that he cannot look at my face when we are making love, as he knows it is hurting and it will show. Again, it has always been that way. I have seen the Sex as Nature Intended It site and it is the outward stroke that is the worst. (sorry if tmi)

No, not TMI, this is a serious issue for you and by extension, for him. I have never advocated that a wife/partner solicit restoration of her partner but the severity of your case makes me change that. I can see the potential of both of your sex lives being severely impacted by this not only now but especially in mid-life. I actually think you would be doing him a favor in the long term by fully discussing it now before the damage is irreversible.

As for alternatives to intercourse - I do not know why, but my husband has never been able to relax and enjoy any alternative, manual or oral. Again I suspect the circ is at fault - he requires such hard/fast stimulation that it's not possible to provide in any other means but penetrative sex.

I can also understand this from personal experience. I was so desensitized that I could (and did) go to sleep during foreplay. After restoration, that is no longer possible. That extra (or normal) sensitivity results in less "action" during sex and far more stimulus during foreplay. In fact, I have to stop the foreplay occasionally because I become over stimulated and near orgasm and I want to save that for the "grand finale." That just didn't happen before I restored.

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[Frankly Speaking]

Oops! Double post!

[Claire and Boys]

Thanks, Phoenix I think that the part about things being more of a problem in mid and later life really cemented it for him - there was a lot he didn't know about circ. He says he's going to ask his mum why it happened to him. All he knows it happened in the mid 70s (so he was maybe about 8) and they said it was because he had "trouble peeing"

I guess I was expecting him to be freaked and maybe a bit hurt at me asking him to change something like that - but he really wasn't. I suppose for us, we don't have the entrenchment of circ in society to deal with. After all, he has two intact sons. He was horrified when I told him that Americans routinely circ for non medical reasons, and equally when I told him about retraction (he had no idea how an intact foreskin was meant to work - which I find sad)

Then later on I asked him to get me some ice cream and he said "What, I'm already growing a new foreskin for you, you want me to get you ice cream as well?"

[liseux]

Claire and Boys, (I'm Claire too It sounds like you have a great husband!

I just wanted to add that olive oil makes a great lube in the meantime, it just lasts longer, no preservatives & has lineolic acid which kills yeast. I have an intact dh but nursing can make things more uncomfortable & olive oil is great stuff.

[liseux]

Claire and Boys, (I'm Claire too It sounds like you have a great husband!

I just wanted to add that olive oil makes a great lube in the meantime, it just lasts longer, no preservatives & has lineolic acid which kills yeast. I have an intact dh but nursing can make things more uncomfortable & olive oil is great stuff.

[Frankly Speaking]

Originally Posted by Claire and Boys

Thanks, Phoenix I think that the part about things being more of a problem in mid and later life really cemented it for him - there was a lot he didn't know about circ.

I'm glad to hear it went so well. I'm sure he will be quite pleased with the results for both of you. Research has shown that circumcised men suffer impotency about 7 years younger than intact men so this will be extending his sexual life expectancy too.

and equally when I told him about retraction (he had no idea how an intact foreskin was meant to work - which I find sad)

It doesn't appear that most men remember not being retractile. At the age it happens, it is not an important factor and when they do become retractile, they simply don't pay much attention to it. (for the most part)

Then later on I asked him to get me some ice cream and he said "What, I'm already growing a new foreskin for you, you want me to get you ice cream as well?"

At least his sense of humor is healthy if nothing else!

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