WWYD? How Would You Prepare? UPDATE #33

[Shelsi]

My dh will be separating from the military in early May. For the past year I have been reminding him he needs to build his resume, start networking, start looking into where he wants to work, etc, etc. Right now he's deployed but from what I gather he still hasn't even begun his resume. I have tried a million tactics in the past year to knock some sense into him. He just doesn't seem to get that in 3 mos we will be without a source of income. The ridiculous thing is that there are a bunch of jobs out there for him and it really shouldn't be hard to find something and it should pay pretty darn well (starting around 90K in most areas).

So regardless I got an e-mail from him today saying perhaps he should take the day off for our ds's birthday. Um, ds's birthday is May 19th. Dh will be out of the military by then. So it occurs to me that dh still just is clueless and that the chances of us being without an income for several months is looming.

The good thing is I have been working hard for the past few years to get a decent savings. It was so that we could buy a house when he got out but obviously now it's going to be for us to live. Assuming I can save his extra pays that he is getting right now for being deployed we'll have around $13K in savings by the time May rolls around. We don't have any credit card debt but we will still have a car payment and student loans.

So how do you prepare for something like this? How do I stretch that 13K as far as possible in case it takes him longer than I think for him to get his head out of his butt? I can and will get a job if necessary of course but besides when I was in the military I've never made more than $8/hr. When I first got out of the military I could have gotten a decent paying full time job doing what I did in the Air Force but it's been 4 years now and my security clearance has expired so my chances are slimmer. Not to mention that I got out of the service earlier than my contract when I got prego with ds so I do not have all the experience that most employers are looking for.

We have family that would never let us be completely homeless but obviously I don't want to even think about needing to borrow from them or even live with them.

Any advice?

[Piglet68]

I don't think it's very fair that you are scrimping and saving and being responsible with the finances so that you can buy a home, and you're going to end up blowing it, not for an 'emergency' but because your DH can't get motivated to find a new job. I'm tempted to suggest that you sock away that money in an account he doesn't have access to. Then when he's out of work you can just tell him there isn't any money.

Can you talk with his parents? Or yours? Can anybody knock some sense into him? How about for the next few months you don't let him have a dime? lol Okay I'm being a bit harsh but I think he's not being very responsible!

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

I don't think it's very fair that you are scrimping and saving and being responsible with the finances so that you can buy a home, and you're going to end up blowing it, not for an 'emergency' but because your DH can't get motivated to find a new job. I'm tempted to suggest that you sock away that money in an account he doesn't have access to. Then when he's out of work you can just tell him there isn't any money.

Can you talk with his parents? Or yours? Can anybody knock some sense into him? How about for the next few months you don't let him have a dime? lol Okay I'm being a bit harsh but I think he's not being very responsible!

Lol no, he's not being very responsible but we all have our faults and this is obviously one of his. It's so weird because he's the most organized person I've ever known. I think partly he's just terrified of having a "real" job, the resume/interview process, etc and he's just scared into doing nothing. He's sort of a deer in the headlights I think. I'm not thrilled with him of course but for right now I'm just working on how to prepare.

His parents....well, their little boy could do no wrong and therefore couldn't possibly need any help. I mentioned it to them the last time we talked and MIL just sort of shrugs it off. Both MIL and FIL though have been in the professional world for decades and move around often so they can and will def help him if he asks for help. He just hasn't asked yet. I've tried shaking him up. It's not working. So now it's time to prepare. Maybe when he's living on ramen for a month straight he'll get his act together. I don't think he'll just sit around the house and become a loser husband and never get a job. I think he still just doesn't get how close this is. In the end I bet we'll be without a paycheck for at most 3 mos, but I'd rather prepare for the worst and make sure I can stretch our savings as long as possible, kwim?

[bocks_box]

I've never dealt with military but have friends who are military wives and they've been able to go to their husband's C.O. when their husband is making huge bad choices that could impact his family's future. Maybe that's an option for you, I don't know.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It really stinks for you and it's not fair.

[ChattyCat]

Has he gone through TAP class yet? They usually talk endlessly about job interviews there. There are also usually people there offering job interviews.

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by ChattyCat

Has he gone through TAP class yet? They usually talk endlessly about job interviews there. There are also usually people there offering job interviews.

Nope. He's deployed. He's not getting back until 30 days before his separation date.

I hear ppl talk about TAP classes all the time and yet I never had them when I got out?? I wonder if it was because I wasn't immediately going into another job? I'm sure they still would have been helpful to me.

[sallyg6]

My first thought is that maybe he's changed his mind and has decided to stay in. Is it possible he did this and didn't tell you? My husband retired in mid Nov (didn't actually retire until 31 Jan so we were still getting paid) and he didn't officially get word that he had a job until the first week of November. Even so, he was sending our a ton of resumes and we had a bump plan in case he didn't get a job. Our plan involved saving a lot of money (about what you have saved now) and living superfrugally.

Only 30 days left and he hasn't started TAP? Hmmmm.....and I also thought they had to be home for a minimum number of months before they separated. When I separated from the military (USAF) I also was not going into another job but I was required to take teh TAP classes. They do resumes and job search stuff but they also cover VA disability claims, how to use the benefits that you get after you separate (you do get them). Things like that, that can really be invaluable.

I can't help but think your husband "knows" something you don't. Like he has a job lined up it's just not official, or he's decided to stay in, or maybe he plans to start looking when he gets back from his deployment.

Either way, I think you're doing the right things - saving money and living frugally.

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by sallyg6

My first thought is that maybe he's changed his mind and has decided to stay in. Is it possible he did this and didn't tell you? My husband retired in mid Nov (didn't actually retire until 31 Jan so we were still getting paid) and he didn't officially get word that he had a job until the first week of November. Even so, he was sending our a ton of resumes and we had a bump plan in case he didn't get a job. Our plan involved saving a lot of money (about what you have saved now) and living superfrugally.

Only 30 days left and he hasn't started TAP? Hmmmm.....and I also thought they had to be home for a minimum number of months before they separated. When I separated from the military (USAF) I also was not going into another job but I was required to take teh TAP classes. They do resumes and job search stuff but they also cover VA disability claims, how to use the benefits that you get after you separate (you do get them). Things like that, that can really be invaluable.

I can't help but think your husband "knows" something you don't. Like he has a job lined up it's just not official, or he's decided to stay in, or maybe he plans to start looking when he gets back from his deployment.

Either way, I think you're doing the right things - saving money and living frugally.

He definitely hasn't changed his mind. He's hated the military since day one. I really liked it though and I'll def miss the life. Oh well. He did say they were really pressuring him out there to re-enlist but he has said no every time. I wouldn't care if he decided to re-enlist although I would be disappointed because I know it is not the direction he really wants his life to take and it does not make him happy. He knows how freaked out I am. I just talked to him an hour ago and he said he's still working on his resume. Then we got cut off and he won't be able to call again until next week probably.

I know it's hard to look for a job when you're on the other side of the world. But the point of the matter is that when he returns he will only have 30 days until his separation date. That is hardly any time at all especially when he has to in-process from deployment and then out-process from the military.

Oh and to clarify he gets out in May so he's got 3 mos left. They are bringing him back right at the 30 day mark which is the required time before separating. And I have no idea why I never got offered TAP classes but I didn't. It was 4 yrs ago that I separated from the AF. They were really disorganized about it the whole time. The day I went in for my final out the separations person wasn't even there and no one had any idea who I was. They were able to find my paperwork after an hour of looking, I signed some things and they took my ID and that was it.

[umarider]

We are in a very similar position, although we have little more time. DH is eligible to retire summer of '09. He used to be "Mr. 20 and Out"(you know the type.. can't wait to be done w/ the military garbage, etc.). But now that the time is approaching for him to get things organized for looking for a job he is dawdling and procrastinating. I think he's leary of all the unknowns and putting himself out there in the job market which is asking for a kind of judgement. In the military, they get their fit-reps each year and they know how to interpret those fit-reps (what's exaggerated, what's truth). But in a job interview, you have to try to guess what the employer wants... and then express it in a very concise way through 1-2 sheets of paper and a few minutes interview. And you rarely get feedback! It's either "you've got the job" or you're left wondering.

I used to work in human resources and have tried to get DH to start writing down things he's been involved with that would translate to the real world. Granted, he can't do details for obvious reasons, but he CAN record things like: "Oversaw logistical project involving moving large quantities of equipment and personnel internationally" or whatever his job involves. Often when my DH is talking about some project at work I'll "translate" it for him and tell him to jot it down somewhere.

Try getting your DH to do something similar. Once he starts to see that he does have marketable skills (they only have to be translated out of "military speak"), he may be more amenable to looking for a job. I know my Marine is a little scared, even if he won't/can't say so.

Tell DH you're scared, too. Remind him of the plans you made for getting a home, etc. and then ask to work together to make your family plans possible. You may also need to point out that he can't count on walking into another job these days, even w/ a clearance, etc. You always hear the stories of someone who retires from their military job and then comes into the same office next day as a civilian making even more money, etc. but I wouldn't count on that.

DH can't interview when he's deployed. He can get his skills listed, and perhaps go to one of the online sites and start to get a resume together. You can save the extra money from deployment and let him know that amount (and the amount of time it will last) is how long he'll have to get his act together once he separates.

The good news is it sounds like you are in a far better position to handle this transistion than many people I've seen. Keep the faith. And remember how helpless military members feel when they are deployed.

[WNB]

Shelsi, I totally feel you on this one: your DH sounds like mine, at least insofar as he's done nothing to line anything up in advance of his ETS date. My advice to you: revise your expectations of how long the transition will take. Double, if not triple, what you think it should take, and plan accordingly.

As frustrating as it is, he won't do anything until he decides he's ready to move on. I thought that, considering how much he griped about his job and the command structure every.single.day. that DH would have been ready to move on the day he got out. But it has taken over a year -- and it will be 18 months before he actually brings in a paycheck -- for him to find motivation.

PM me if you want to vent. I feel like you are going to be walking in my shoes.

[MommyinMN]

The TAP classes are full of information. Make sure your dh goes. They can give a lot of information about resumes and transitioning to civilian life. It is also important he files any paperwork with the VA as far as possible disabilities, even if you think it isn't an issue. DH filed paperwork on an ankle injury that he thought wasn't a big deal at the time and has since had 3 surgeries to correct this.

We were in the same place you are now 3 years ago. We moved in with MIL and used our savings ($17,000) to pay off our car (we only owed $4000) and pay our life insurance and car insurance for a full year. That way we didn't really have bills. Luckily DH found a job while he was still on terminal leave, does you dh have any leave saved? I know I had about 2 months when I got out of the AF and dh had close to 3 months when he got out.

Have him check out this site http://www.usajobs.gov/ He mostly likely qualifies for veterns preference for federal jobs. Some of these are guard positions, but they state pretty clearly what the requirements are. If he is turned down for a job make sure he follows up with a phone call to ask why. Dh was turned down for jobs because he was answering questions wrong. Also a phone call to the person hiring is a good way to find out what they are looking for, as the job descriptions are sometimes vague.

HTH!

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by MommyinMN

The TAP classes are full of information. Make sure your dh goes. They can give a lot of information about resumes and transitioning to civilian life. It is also important he files any paperwork with the VA as far as possible disabilities, even if you think it isn't an issue. DH filed paperwork on an ankle injury that he thought wasn't a big deal at the time and has since had 3 surgeries to correct this.

We were in the same place you are now 3 years ago. We moved in with MIL and used our savings ($17,000) to pay off our car (we only owed $4000) and pay our life insurance and car insurance for a full year. That way we didn't really have bills. Luckily DH found a job while he was still on terminal leave, does you dh have any leave saved? I know I had about 2 months when I got out of the AF and dh had close to 3 months when he got out.

Have him check out this site http://www.usajobs.gov/ He mostly likely qualifies for veterns preference for federal jobs. Some of these are guard positions, but they state pretty clearly what the requirements are. If he is turned down for a job make sure he follows up with a phone call to ask why. Dh was turned down for jobs because he was answering questions wrong. Also a phone call to the person hiring is a good way to find out what they are looking for, as the job descriptions are sometimes vague.

HTH!

Yeah he has more leave than he has time left so he'll basically be on leave as soon as he gets home and gets in-processed. He tried to use up a bunch before he left. He was told over and over again he would not be getting deployed again before he separated so we figured on him taking 2 mos of terminal leave. Of course then they deployed him anyways and now he's gonna have to sell back about 30 days worth of leave which stinks since of course you don't get the full benefits like he would if it could just be used as terminal leave. Does that make sense??

He knows where to look for jobs. Luckily for him they are everywhere for him. Just a simple search on any major job search website, whether it's monster.com or a gov't job site, turns up numerous jobs that he is qualified for. I did a very similar job to his in the AF (we both did intelligence, he does a more general scope and I had a very specific scope of expertise) and the jobs really are out there and should be fairly easy to find. I guess that's the silver lining.

I was talking about all this to my mom today and she mentioned how she knows it's freaking me out but that life always just seems to fall into place for dh. I thought about it and she's totally right. His whole life he just sort of meanders along and it all just falls right into place for him without much effort on his part. It's aggravating for me because I always bust my butt to get the things I want in life but, of course, in the end it's good for him and for us that life treats him so well. I guess only time will tell. He does put good karma out into the world...he's a very friendly guy and although he doesn't make any close friends (throw back to being a navy brat) everyone loves him and wants him around. He's very charismatic and he speaks in front of groups for a living and basically always has (he used to give tours at The House of Innovations in Epcot years ago).

I'll just quietly save our money and hope for the best. I've reduced our bills as much as possible at the moment. I can defer my student loan if need be once he's actually out. We sold his car just before he left.

I e-mailed him and asked him if he could have his resume done by the end of next week. Then he can send it to me and I can mail it out for him. My MIL and FIL have a few people to send it to and also SIL has some people she can send it to. I'd like to at least get it out there. If they want to interview him I will be more than happy to schedule a time for when I know he will be home from this deployment. We can still get the ball rolling and hit the ground running, that's all I want.

[sallyg6]

I'm glad he's not changed his mind without telling you

If I were him I think I'd sell some of his leave back (not take leave starting when he gets home). When he gets home he's going to have to do a ton of outprocessing in a short period of time - why take leave to do that when his shop should be giving him the time off to get his stuff done (and if they don't I'd take issue). Take a couple days off here and there, but....you'll get cash for those days, and he's not really getting to take terminal leave anyway. I jsut don't see the point in him taking leave to do work that the military requires him to do.

That's my two cents.

I agree with a PP who said she paid her bills (life insurance, etc) ahead of time.

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by sallyg6

I'm glad he's not changed his mind without telling you

If I were him I think I'd sell some of his leave back (not take leave starting when he gets home). When he gets home he's going to have to do a ton of outprocessing in a short period of time - why take leave to do that when his shop should be giving him the time off to get his stuff done (and if they don't I'd take issue). Take a couple days off here and there, but....you'll get cash for those days, and he's not really getting to take terminal leave anyway. I jsut don't see the point in him taking leave to do work that the military requires him to do.

That's my two cents.

I agree with a PP who said she paid her bills (life insurance, etc) ahead of time.

He gets 2 weeks of "free" leave when he gets home so he can in-process (and hopefully outprocess at the same time) and we do intend to use that. However if he has job interviews he needs to go to they will more than likely be out of state so he'd have to take leave to go there or whatever since he can't leave the local area during his CTO time. But yes we're taking all the free leave we can get, then the rest will be terminal leave where he can be really out looking for a job, and then whatever is left over will be sold back.

[Stace]

Originally Posted by Shelsi

Nope. He's deployed. He's not getting back until 30 days before his separation date.

I hear ppl talk about TAP classes all the time and yet I never had them when I got out?? I wonder if it was because I wasn't immediately going into another job? I'm sure they still would have been helpful to me.

As another former Air Forcer.....we didn't have anything specifically called TAP. But it's part of the Army's outprocessing - my husband was also in the Army. I'm not sure how long ago you separated, but I got out in 2005, and as part of outprocessing, we did have classes available to help with getting a civilian job, but they weren't mandatory.

Anyway, have you thought about unenployment? Your husband should be eligible for that if he hasn't secured a job before he actually separates. It won't be as much as what he's making now, but it'll at least lessen the amount of savings you'd have to dip into. DH and I actually lived solely off of unemployment after we separated while he was waiting to start his police academy and I was trying to find a job when we first moved out here.

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by Stace

As another former Air Forcer.....we didn't have anything specifically called TAP. But it's part of the Army's outprocessing - my husband was also in the Army. I'm not sure how long ago you separated, but I got out in 2005, and as part of outprocessing, we did have classes available to help with getting a civilian job, but they weren't mandatory.

Anyway, have you thought about unenployment? Your husband should be eligible for that if he hasn't secured a job before he actually separates. It won't be as much as what he's making now, but it'll at least lessen the amount of savings you'd have to dip into. DH and I actually lived solely off of unemployment after we separated while he was waiting to start his police academy and I was trying to find a job when we first moved out here.

ah, that makes sense. They knew I was separating due to getting pregnant and wanting to stay home with the baby for awhile so they probably figured I didn't need the classes (and honestly they were right but I love stuff like that and still would have gone probably). I got out in 2004. Oh and dh is AF too, I'll be sure he doesn't turn down the classes!

And no I didn't even think about unemployment. That would definitely help us. And of course there's WIC too which technically we already qualify for but at the moment I can't use anything they would give me (I'm on a total elimination diet for dd, I only eat 5 foods).

I think I did scare a little sense into dh today. I mentioned that one of the first questions that will come up as he out-processes is where are we moving to so that we can get TMO set up. Of course we have no idea where we are moving to. I just want to shake him. He just doesn't realize how close it is and how this is looming over us. He e-mailed me today talking about how he's gonna buy me a new ring for our anniversary when he gets home (our 5th anniversary is in a few days and he always said I'd get a new ring then since I don't like the one I have). His thinking just makes me want to bang my head against the keyboard. It still doesn't automatically occur to him that we won't have an income and we shouldn't be buying frivolous things like jewelry. I guess that's what scares me. He forgets that in May he won't have a job anymore. How can anyone forget that? Especially with it only 3 mos away? Argh. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too neurotic about making plans. I always plan things way into the future...like years and years into the future...so this unknown is just killing me.

[MommyinMN]

Dh and I were also both in the Air Force and when I seperated in 2003 and Dh in 2005 TAP classes were part of the normal out processing. They were not forced, but highly encouraged. At the same office the classes were being offered (I believe it was the family services and relcoation office) they had resume writing software you could use to help you get started on your resume. Dh used all of the services available, I should talk to him he would remember more. I knew I would be staying home with the kids and becoming a dependant so I didn't bother with a lot. We didn't not qualify for unemployment yet when dh got out, since he needed to use up all his leave and he was never unemployed, however we were able to get on the states medical insurance planwhich was a huge help since dh's first job did not have medical.

Anyway best of luck to you!

[mtm]

You don't mention where he is deployed right now, is it possible he needs to focus on finishing his deployment and getting home safely before he's able to change gears mentally to what comes next?

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by mtm

You don't mention where he is deployed right now, is it possible he needs to focus on finishing his deployment and getting home safely before he's able to change gears mentally to what comes next?

He's in a pretty safe location. He probably has a much higher chance of getting in a car accident out there than anything else happening. He works some weird hours but he's got a lot of down time where he is just on call and he can be working on his resume. Of course it's harder out there still to settle down and get his resume done but it's not like he's in a trench somewhere getting shot at and I'm nagging him about his resume lol.

I just found an awesome job for him on USAjobs. I sent him the link. I hope he applies for it. We live in Tucson right now which I LOVE and this job is in Phoenix so that would be so great. I love AZ and don't really want to leave it. It's weird but I actually don't mind the insane heat. Almost all the other jobs are on the east coast in the DC area. I can't live in the cold lol. Seriously it's been 50 degrees here and I have been FREEZING. :

[texmati]

s it must be so hard for you to go through this, especially with your DH deployed.

Writing a resume, and apply for jobs, interviewing ect, for me, are some of the most horrible things to do. I know I probably have self esteem issues, but I can think of a 1000 things I'd rather do. And it's not that its tedious or not fun, it's that it is emotionally hard to do. The whole process is full of rejection on a very personal level.

Is this his first time looking for a job in the private sector? I know I needed a lot of help writing my first resume after college. I was terrified, and full of doubt that I could contribute anything to any company. And I had a hard time discovering/articulating my own skills. A lot of my classmates didn't have any problems with this. I guess they just had more confidence than me.

Anyways... what I mean is that maybe it's not a matter of shaking him. Maybe he just needs a little help getting through the process. Can you email him back and forth about his resume? Can you write a draft for him? Maybe that will help him on his way to applying for jobs.

ETA: I just read over this, and realize that it kind of sounds whiny. I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just coming from my experience, esp since my DH can never understand why it's so hard for me to look for a job.