Beyond mad...

[mhaddon]

Well DH has gone to my prenatal appts. I am 15 weeks and I know at first he wasn't to keen on the HB idea but he went along w/ it. Well last night at my appt. he acted really distant and funny the whole time. On the way home I asked him what was wrong and he told me he was worried and did not agree with my HB. His comment was I don't agree w/ it but I'll support you. After he had made a bunch of comments on how he knows he can't convince me otherwise and how he wish I'd just go get another c/s
I know he is also concerned b/c we were supposed to have our property in our name by now so we could have a place to live and it doesn't look like it will all be in place by the time of the birth. For now we are living w/ the IL's b/c they have been mostly out of state except on the weekends. I don't feel comfy birthing in their house b/c if they are home they would be against it and family comes in and out w/o notice or knocking type deal. Well, he also started to go on how he doesn't even want to tell his parents b/c they will get mad and make me go to the dr., when he told them I was seeing a MW they were crappy w/ him and told him I needed a dr. get this- B/c I don't have pain tolerance?? Ok no pain tolerance? I have had 2 c/s and been through 2 other surgeries and other very painful experiences in my lifetime for my age. Well, I guess b/c I had him take me to the ER 3x's I'm a wimp. Well 2 of those were for UTI's and no one in his family has had one or understands how bad they hurt. The other time was b/c I had severe abdominal pain that was never diagnoised, but my bp was almost at stroke level a big indication of pain. So they don't think I can birth and should just have another c/s.
I am going to my aunts house for the HB. She has a huge house and lives by herself. I am only worried that his parents will be big a**es about the whole thing and try to seek out a lawyer and force me into a c/s... can they do that? My family is on board w/ it, but my family has no money if they try to pull something like this...
And am I really that big of a wimp??

[DoulaJulian]

Oh my! How stressful for you! Big hug!

First, thank goodness this is going on at 15 weeks so that you have lots of breathing room! Secondly, it sounds as if all of your DH objections are based on fear, not facts. You really cannot change his mind (just as he won't be able to change yours) what DOES need to happen is that you need to address his fears...his emotions and feelings are real...they are just not really helpful feelings! Find out where his fears are coming from specifically...and voice your own fears to him (your fear of another c/c, fear of hospital hijacking your body, baby and birth, his family making choices for you and your baby etc...) Find a good book on communication skills in relationships and talk, talk, talk!

Finally, I wouldn't worry about anyone being able to take legal action about your choice HB, (unless of course you are pursuing underground HB...and then it is best to keep your mouth shut with unsupportive folks!) Check out info on patient rights and such... i know that in his book Marsden Wagner wrote about specific laws prohibiting hospitals, families, or child protective services from forcing mom's into c/s (of course there are the other stories where they were forced) but the best advice is to be armed with laws for your state and how they protect the bodily integrity of momma's as individuals who are able to make their own medical choices. Hospitals are at risk of losing their federal Medicaid funding if they don't live up to the Emergency Medical Treatment & Labor Act (EMTALA) the details can be found at:
www. ssa.gov/OP_Home/ssact/title18/1867.htm#t (remove space from link)
many of the laws are about emergency room treatment, but also apply to women at any stage of labor...so if MIL, FIL or whoever drives your butt to the ER in labor against your will, you still have the right to refuse a c/s, refuse transfer of care to a facility that can "handle" your condition better etc... NOBODY can FORCE you to have a c/s ad far as i know!

Like i said before, you have 25 weeks to help assuage your family's fears...gently and reasonably. Don't try to convince them HB is better...it will never work. Systematically have your mw, books, and research, ANSWER their fears. Eventually, in the face of lot's of evidence, their fears will start to look absurd and they will have to face that they sound like crazy people, meanwhile, you have calmly and reasonably empathized with all of their fears and actively helped them seek answers rather then just arguing with them.

Keep posting...many of these momma's have been there, done that. Luckily, i have a super supportive dh, family, and even community! It is my mission to make sure that every momma feels as awesome & supported about her choice to hb as i do!

[doctormom]

What a difficult situation! My DH was also fairly unsupportive early on, and really wanted the "safety" of a hospital birth, so I know how frustrating it is to feel like you're not on the same page as your birth partner.

What helped in our situation was that we had several conversations (in which I had to literally sit on my hands and bite my tongue not to interrupt) where I just listened to DH articulate his fears. They were not based in fact, they were just emotional concerns. Over time, it became clear that most of them stemmed from 2 issues: he percieved my (totally) unnecessary C/S as having been an "emergency" and he was afraid of the (completely exaggerated) risks of homebirth.

My DH flatly refused to do any reading or research of his own on homebirth, because "statistics are useless since you can manipulate them to say anything." Um, ok. So instead, his sources of information would be random non-medical people at work who would say "oh my god, homebirth is so dangerous," and he would fixate on that message...nevermind all the research I had done that came to the exact opposite conclusion.

I left books on homebirth and midwifery all over the house. He ignored them. One night, I found a series of interviews with Ina May Gaskin on YouTube, and I played them while DH was checking his email. In fact, I played them over and over, for weeks, everytime he came near the computer room. I read books about homebirth to DS, and DS and I watched birth videos that showed homebirth to be a peaceful, normal, safe option. DH never actually sat down and paid attention to any of these things, but I think he absorbed some of the message, because eventually he was willing (albeit reluctant) to discuss homebirth.

He's still not entirely comfortable with the idea of a homebirth, but he understands that c/s is more dangerous for both me and the baby, and has come to accept that if we go to the hospital, I will almost certainly be forced into a repeat c/s.

Don't worry about your pain tolerence - your body is designed to birth babies, and you will be so much more comfortable in the safe environment of your own home that you will be ABLE to handle the pain. Plus, at home you will have skilled birth attendants whose job is to support you throughout and help you manage and overcome that pain, instead of a monitor-watching nurse whose job is to make sure you labor according to a randomly predetermined schedule.

No one can force you to have a c/s without your consent. They can pressure you with misinformation and threats, but they cannot physically force you against your will. You may find it helpful to familiarize yourself with the laws regarding midwifery and homebirth in your state, if it is legal in your area that may help put your mind at ease. But frankly, even if it isn't, there's no way that an attorney is going to want to take on a case that hinges on forcing a healthy pregnant woman to undergo a surgical procedure without her consent. Your in-laws wouldn't be able to find a lawyer - or more importantly, a surgeon - willing to violate your rights in this way. Just picture how it would look on the evening news: "And then when I refused surgery they handcuffed me and dragged me into the OR..." Not. Gonna. Happen.

[mhaddon]

Thanks. I think DH is concerned that we are going to pay for a HB and then have to transfer b/c I can't handel the pain (faith in me, right?) Then we'll have to pay for a c/s on top... He also told me that his mom and dad won't say anything to me, but they will complain and ride his a** and drive him crazy.
Also, this is the reason we will be driving further away so I can birth at my aunts house. It is very big, nice, and she live alone. I can have only who I want and everyone else doesn't know how to get to her house (DH's family) Also she is really close to a hopsital.

DH also made the comment that he liked my birthing assistant better than my MW b/c my MW is a ditzy blonde... He is basing that off that she has told me many of the same things more than once. OK, she sees a lot of other women and isn't going to remember what she has/hasn't told me and wants to make sure I know it b/c it is important...
BOth my MW and assistant have HBA2C and I think that is the only thing going for me right now.

[geckoed]

I wrote this almost a year ago. The ending is an awesome HVBA4C
Maybe this helps.

Several days before my birth a woman on a VBAC email list was upset. She wanted to try for a home birth and her Dear Hubby said "no way" so I shared my journey with her, and now I share it with you.

After my 4th c/s I was thinking we were done having kids. Two perinatologists told me the OB was wrong, and the "window" didn't mean I would rupture next time. So it was safe to get pg again.
I was at a La Leche League conference and there were some tables sset up by midwives. On a whim I asked them about a vbac after 4 c/s and NO prior vaginal deliveries. I was shocked when they said there was no reason not to consider it. So when we were pg w/ our 5th the research began in earnest. I EXPECTED to find that I needed a c/s. I was sad, but knew that would be the only sane choice.
Only I found the opposite. I found mounds of research stating I "needed" to have a VBAC, in the name of safety and sanity. My DH flipped. Only a little at first. Then he found out I was going to see a midwife or a D.O. not an O.B. and thought that was really insane. When he found out that my chosen care provider only does home births he LOST IT. He loves me, he loves his children, he loves this family. How could I risk EVERYTHING he treasures? He believed I was conspiring to commit suicide, murder, or both.
We had some terrible moments. Some soul crushing times. Some "this may be the end of my marriage" minutes. My heart, and his, split open. I TRIED then to agree to "just reschedule" but it cut me to the core. I cried like I have never cried. I fell into a pit of despair the likes of which I hadn't know EXISTED. One night, sobbing, I typed out the raw emotion of it all. It took days to muster the courage to email it to him. To say "I'll do this for you, but ONLY if you help me through the emotional trauma of it". He was sad, angry, scared. He said I needed therapy. He didn't understand. He said I was crazy.
Days, maybe weeks, went by where we didn't speak of it.Finally I asked him to read my research and meet my Dr. In exchange I would see an O.B. and I would read his research. He agreed. He sent me ONE article, and I had already read it. I told him to keep emailing, printing, etc. I said it was important to ME that I read the SCARIEST articles out there. If I wasn't willing to LOOK at the worst-case then it was very irresposible of me to take these risks. He was relieved.
The next day I sent him 2 articles and he didn't read them. I said he needed to look at the RISKS of a repeat section if he wanted me to take those risks. That it was irresponsible for HIM to choose this option if he wasn't willing to look at all of its pros and cons. He stopped sending me things, he didn't read what I sent him. He said he knew I was going to "try" and that he wanted no part of it. At first I was upset.
Then he said a hospital OB birth (c/s) is free. We can't afford a home birth. He wouldn't even pay co-pays on my appts. I was devastated AGAIN! But I started emailing the midwives and the D.O. again. The few who would take on a VBA4C. Now I was asking them to do it for ONLY what the insurance covered plus whatever I could do to "work it off". To my surprise the D.O. said No Problem. She said "its more about the births than the dollars"
My poor DH. He must have been equally devastated to learn I didn'tneed his support, his presence, or even his MONEY LOL!! He says he won't be here. He'll meet me at the hospital when I transfer. He's taking the 2 littlest kids to his sisters house.
My friend is coming to be with the older 2 kids, to meet their needs, explain things etc. I trust her to respect MY needs whatever they may be (in case I decide I CAN'T have them in the room or whatever). Another friend will come be my support person. My doc is very calm and reassuring and will stay for a long labor and for several hours afterward. Its going to be great. I'm 40 weeks now. Soon I'll be holding my first vaginally born baby, nursing him or her in my own room. I can't wait!

[mhaddon]

Well I started reading some books and it talked about telling each other every fear you have. I asked him what his number one fear was and he told me that he wouldn't have a house for us. I was totally thrown off that this would be his number one? I told him that wouldn't make a difference that we could birth at my aunts. He told me a few others, but he didn't seam as upset w/ the HB at this point. i guess it was b/c I was willing to listen to him? i told him all my fears ( sooo many more than he expressed.) I think that helped him.

Then I also started talking about my first birth and how things make sense now. I told him how I was straped down and couldn't move and I think that made things worse. I told him how I thought if I could have stood up and bent over the bed (back labor) I could have managed better, but I was stuck in the bed. I also told him how when I have cramps (I get them horrible w/ AF) and if I lay down I get sick b/c they hurt so bad, but if I curl up on my side or get on all fours it doesn't hurt as bad. I want to be able to do this and he told me. "That makes sense" We raise animals. He then went on about how animals when birthing have to move around and them not letting me move around probably made things more painful. I think you could have picked my jaw off the ground!

Oh, I hope everything goes ok w/ your birth.

[CanidFL]

Wow hugs to you mama.

I can see how stressful this is for you. First off….your in laws don’t own you! I have no idea how they could “make” you go to a doctor. I don’t really see why you feel so controlled by them. Are they going to strap you down and force you into the office? No one can make you do anything. They can not legally make you have a c-section either so don’t worry about that.

Now that I have said that, I will say that I know what it’s like to have extreme pressure from the in laws and DH. I think the whole “you can’t handle the pain” is common in men. My DH said the same thing over and over. It was really upsetting. I get migraines and end up in the ER 2 times a year typically. He told me that if I couldn’t handle a migraine then I can’t handle birth. Men have no idea what women are capable of and yes we can handle the pain. It’s a different kind of pain. It’s a pain with purpose and that is to bring our children into the world.

My suggestion would be to talk about all this with your midwife and your DH. You have tons of time to work through your issues. It would be best to have your DH continue to go to the prenatals and just keep bringing it up. Tell her that he isn’t feeling comfortable with the homebirth because of the pain factor. I actually asked my midwife in front of DH if she had ever had a transfer due to the pain to get an epi and in 20 years of practicing, she has had 1 mom transfer for pain relief and that mom ended up being ready to push by the time they got there so she didn’t get any pain meds. I think these types of stories really help out men. Just keep talking about it and try to keep the in laws out of this. They have no business influencing where you birth your child (other than in their house which you said you wouldn’t do anyway).

I hope you can work this out with DH. Once you have DH on board then you can deal with the in laws but by the way you describe things, I would not even talk to them about it. It’s your baby, your body, your birth. It has nothing to do with them

[Gray's Mommy]

Do you think he is scared??

[Mamatolea]

DH was nervous about HB too, until our fabulous midwife answered all of his questions very precisely and from then on had total faith in her.

My mom on the other hand was a complete jerk about it, to the point where my normally all mother supporting father took my side and told her to lay off! Yeah for daddy! And she was like, I can't be there, you will be in too much pain, you won't be able to handle it...my sister told me I was crazy(she had an induced hospital birth 4 weeks before me) but surprisingly enough, everyone on DH's side was very supportive!

Guess what? The day of my birth, my mom was there being a trooper and she made it through like a champ and then told me how proud she was(I think this was the first time ever...) and that she wouldn't have been able to do it, I was a better woman than her..go figure! But I took it! LOL

I think if you research more into it, perhaps see the business of being born, talk to other HB mamas and share their stories, he will come around.

Good luck mama Let us know how it goes!