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Mom's without Mom's part 5

post #1 of 298
Thread Starter 
I have started a new thread for us. The other one was getting long.
post #2 of 298
Thread Starter 
I am having a really really rough time. I think it is almost worst right now loosing my mom then it was 6 months ago. I keep on trying to think of the positive that I got to say goodbye to my mom and that she knew how much I loved her and she got to tell me how much she loved me too. That she is not suffering any more. The end was bad. But my heart is just breaking. I miss her so much. I keep on asking over and over why did she have to go. I know she is watching over us but there is so much I want to share with her. My kids miss her so much. I have no idea how to deal with their pain when I cannot even deal with my own. Levi my 9 year old has sprouted up a few inches in the last month. My mom was really small 5'1" so it was a mark of accomplishment to be taller then my mom. My mom would joke about it and play around with the kids about how big they were getting etc. It was a real big deal in my family. Now Levi is at the height that he would be almost taller then grandma...Anyway I thought it was suppose to get a little easier not worst.
post #3 of 298
Sorry, Heidi.

It does get esier, but not that quickly. You'll always miss her, but it will seem less painful some day.
post #4 of 298
The pain has been very cyclic for me and it's been over 11 years. I will say that those first few years were the worst, though. I am sorry that it feels so painful right now, but it's true that it won't always feel this way.
post #5 of 298
I just found our new thread!

Heidi, I'm so sorry your pain is so intense right now. I'm somewhat local; if there's anything I can do for you, please just let me know.


Well, my sister and I had to confront my Dad last night. He went behind my sister's back (she's his office manager) and had another staff member cancel all his patients for Monday morning so he could "sleep in". When he says "sleep in" he means "have time to run around with a married woman so her husband won't find out". We're still struggling so much financially; we can't afford for him to keep taking time off. We sat him down after work last night and told him as much. He went on and on about how he deserves a vacation, deserves time off. I wanted to say, "OK then I have no problems calling in horny to take some time off too" but I bit my tongue. Mind you, my sister and I both came back to work 1 week after having our little ones, and we NEVER take vacations right now. I told him that all I'm trying to do is protect is financial livelihood and I will not sit back and let him run his office into the ground. We basically told him that we have no respect for him anymore and that he's destroying his relationship with us. He seemed genuinely shocked by that. He thought everything was fine. Apparently he's too smitten with his affair to notice anything else around him. He agreed to go to family counseling with us so we could work through some of this. I had written a very honest 3 page letter about all my feelings but opted not to give it to him. Maybe I can read it in our first counseling session. I'm glad he agreed to counseling. I have so much I want to get off my chest; I won't feel any better until I have a chance to say my peace. I feel like my dad is turning into Britney Spears. He's self destructing before my eyes and all I can do is sit back and watch this train wreck. When my mom was dying, I promised her over and over again that I would take care of everyone, that she didn't have to worry. I don't think I'm doing a very good job.
post #6 of 298
Mind if I join?

My mom died when I was 14, so it will be 14 years ago this May.

I'm an only child, and I'm fairly certain my dad didn't want me (I recall asking my mom when I was about 7 whether I was an accident. She said no, but the fact that I asked indicates to me that she was probably lying. Kids are pretty perceptive. Plus, she took bc and they used condoms, so I kinda think she got pg "on accident" i.e. SHE wanted me, dad didn't). After my mom died, it was a rough 4 years as my father proceeded to date starting 2 months after my mom died, and I moved out on my 18th birthday.

My dad and I are not in contact today, but I still occasionally "talk" to mom. I know she would have LOVED ds SOOOO much (which makes me sad, to think that I could have had some help with this handful, and also that he would have had an AWESOME grandma, since dh's mom is the least maternal woman you will ever meet who is still a decent human being (i.e. she's not horrible or mean, but would generally prefer to read a book than to talk to you, and is happy seeing ds for about 30 min every 2 years. Poor ds!)).

It still hurts sometimes, but I haven't had a mom for half my life now, so it's my norm. Which doesn't mean I'm not jealous of women with great relationships (or even crappy ones!) with their moms, but it's just that it's a fact of life that just IS, rather than hurting. If that makes any sense. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's hanging out with me sometimes, especially since I am an only.

And to Papschmitty: I feel you. From your sig, I'm guessing that your mom died not too long ago? And now your dad is acting crazy?
Yeah, my dad actually LIED to the women he dated and increased the time my mom had been dead by a year and he told me not to say anything. Since I didn't really give a crap what he did, I simply said nothing. I didn't lie for him, but I never corrected their assumptions. You can let your dad know that if he continues down this road, estrangement may occur, as I haven't spoken to my father in about 5 years. And don't ever plan to speak to him again, if I can help it.
post #7 of 298
Hi, Sara! Of course you can join! My mom has been gone a long time, too. She died when I was 24, which was 15 years ago (in April). Most of the mom's here have had more recent losses than ours, but we can still have challenging times as well. I am mostly over Mom's death, at least as over as one can be. She was my best friend. Actually besides my dh, she was my only friend for a long time. You never really get over that completely, YK. I have mostly good days now. Occasionally a bad one sneaks in though, generally related to me needing comfort or advice. Or to brag about my kids to her. OK, well that makes it sound like everyday...but it's not. Finally.



Papschmitty, as hard as it is, you need to stop beating yourself up!! You cannot control him OR be responsible for his actions. You have done what you can...told him how you feel and encourage him to make better choices. The rest is up to him. I am sorry you are going through this. Sending you some :.
post #8 of 298
Petersmamma, I think we are living parallel lives. I lost my mom almost 12 years ago, and my dad has not been in my life since, well, really never. I am also an only and my MIL is less than stellar (putting it nicely) as a grandmother. I could go on and on w/ the ways she has completely disregarded and ignored DD, but I won't. Anyway, I find that so much of what hurts now is the realization that my DD is not going to have the kind of grandmother she deserves. My mom would have been doting, overly involved, nurturing and fun. MIL is not even one of these things. It breaks my heart and it also makes me angry.
post #9 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by papschmitty View Post
I just found our new thread!

Heidi, I'm so sorry your pain is so intense right now. I'm somewhat local; if there's anything I can do for you, please just let me know.

Thank you. I have no idea what to even do. It just hurts so much. The only thing that makes it a little easier is I keep telling myself I got to say goodbye.

I am glad your dad agreed to go to family counseling. I hope he wakes up and smells the coffee.
post #10 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petersmamma View Post
Mind if I join?

My mom died when I was 14, so it will be 14 years ago this May.

I'm an only child, and I'm fairly certain my dad didn't want me (I recall asking my mom when I was about 7 whether I was an accident. She said no, but the fact that I asked indicates to me that she was probably lying. Kids are pretty perceptive. Plus, she took bc and they used condoms, so I kinda think she got pg "on accident" i.e. SHE wanted me, dad didn't). After my mom died, it was a rough 4 years as my father proceeded to date starting 2 months after my mom died, and I moved out on my 18th birthday.
HUGS and welcome
post #11 of 298
i've been reading the old thread and the new one for awhile. Like a lot of you (from the sounds of it), i'm not doing well either. I'm having a terrible hard time with the realization that my kids will not have great grandparents (only my dh's step-mom is pretty decent and we currently live with her - so that is pretty strained at the moment).

I agree with you Heidi, it's harder now that it was back in July when she died (if i remember right, our moms died only days apart?). And yes - i am greatful i got to say "goodbye" (where as i didn't get that chance with my dad). Add in that i am still upset daily over what my mom's (ex)BF did to the house and all her belongings (which my odd reminds me of daily, when she asks if we can get this or that from grandma's house, and i have to tell ehr no ).

I turn 30 in just over 3 weeks time... and it's hitting me HARD that i don't have a family to celebrate this with (yes, i realize i have MY family, DH and the kids, but i mean my mom, dad, brothers (who i never see now that mom is gone), etc).

It hurts when i see other posts (like in TAO), about wanting to cut family out of their lives, for petty reasons (in my opinion i realize, and i do realize that sometimes people need to cause they are abusive, toxic, dangerous, etc)... cause i would all but kill to have my family back...

This sucks. *sighs*
post #12 of 298
Welcome Petersmamma! I'm so sorry for your loss but am glad you found us.

My mom just died 6 months ago. My dad has been having an affair with this woman for the last 4 of those. He didn't have to lie about how long my mom has been gone, this woman wrapped her tentacles around him the minute she heard my mom was dead.

Thanks to everyone for the support. I hate having no respect for my dad. My parents used to walk on water to me before my mom died. Now it's hard for me to see my dad as anything more than weak and immoral. I had to call him after our little intervention last night. I had been paying for him to see a counselor to help with his grief. When I found out about the affair, I insisted that he tell his counselor. He did, and then promptly stopped going because supposedly he's doing great and over my mom's passing. Her bill didn't reflect one of my payments and didn't list her phone number so I had to call my dad to get it. He was extra nice to me but told me he couldn't find her phone number anywhere. I found it online and asked him if he wanted it. He asked why he would need it. BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SCHEDULE US ALL TO GO TO FAMILY COUNSELING WITH HER YOU IDIOT!!! Ok, I said it nicer than that but give me a break! My dad is living in a fantasy world. I'm so glad I don't have to work with him everyday like my sister does! His married girlfriend bought him some new cologne and it is horrific. It makes my head pound to even be in the room with him. It seems rather fitting, doesn't it? :Puke

Heidi, have you thought about some grief counseling? I didn't adore the counselor I saw but I do think it helped.

Hugs to everyone!
post #13 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
i've been reading the old thread and the new one for awhile. Like a lot of you (from the sounds of it), i'm not doing well either. I'm having a terrible hard time with the realization that my kids will not have great grandparents (only my dh's step-mom is pretty decent and we currently live with her - so that is pretty strained at the moment).

I agree with you Heidi, it's harder now that it was back in July when she died (if i remember right, our moms died only days apart?). And yes - i am greatful i got to say "goodbye" (where as i didn't get that chance with my dad). Add in that i am still upset daily over what my mom's (ex)BF did to the house and all her belongings (which my odd reminds me of daily, when she asks if we can get this or that from grandma's house, and i have to tell ehr no :cry.

I turn 30 in just over 3 weeks time... and it's hitting me HARD that i don't have a family to celebrate this with (yes, i realize i have MY family, DH and the kids, but i mean my mom, dad, brothers (who i never see now that mom is gone), etc).

It hurts when i see other posts (like in TAO), about wanting to cut family out of their lives, for petty reasons (in my opinion i realize, and i do realize that sometimes people need to cause they are abusive, toxic, dangerous, etc)... cause i would all but kill to have my family back...

This sucks. *sighs*
Now I am bawling reading this post. I hate not having mom here for all of our traditions. I hate that my kids are growing and she is missing out on it all. I am so I am even sure of the word when people say oh I do not want this person in my life. Well why couldn't that person die rather then my mom. Why my mom. It is shocking to me that I feel this way. I am not normally such a mean spirited person.
post #14 of 298
i'm sorry if my post bothered you Heidi
post #15 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by mum4boys View Post
Now I am bawling reading this post. I hate not having mom here for all of our traditions. I hate that my kids are growing and she is missing out on it all. I am so I am even sure of the word when people say oh I do not want this person in my life. Well why couldn't that person die rather then my mom. Why my mom. It is shocking to me that I feel this way. I am not normally such a mean spirited person.
I don't think this is the case. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ not understanding why your mom had to die, while watching others intentionally cut their own mothers out of their lives. I used to get really hung up on this. My best friend has a terrible mother. They fight constantly and actually haven't spoken for months. It's not that I ever wanted for her mother to die, but it has always felt unfair. At some point, I just learned to make peace w/ it. It's not always easy, some days I'm really not OK w/ this bit of irony. There's just nothing I can do about it, which is equally sad and liberating, if that makes any sense.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Feel whatever you need to feel.
post #16 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
i'm sorry if my post bothered you Heidi
No no Your post did not bother me. It the nail right on the head what you are feeling is how I feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by earthgirl View Post
I don't think this is the case. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ not understanding why your mom had to die, while watching others intentionally cut their own mothers out of their lives. I used to get really hung up on this. My best friend has a terrible mother. They fight constantly and actually haven't spoken for months. It's not that I ever wanted for her mother to die, but it has always felt unfair. At some point, I just learned to make peace w/ it. It's not always easy, some days I'm really not OK w/ this bit of irony. There's just nothing I can do about it, which is equally sad and liberating, if that makes any sense.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Feel whatever you need to feel.
I am really am a rational person but that has gone all out the window. I hate feeling out of control. My husband had a horrible childhood. He went 16 years without talking to his mom, so I get horrible moms and good moms. I just get hung up on why couldn't the horrible ones go.

I have kind of toyed with grief couseling but right now I do not want to share my mom with a complete stranger. Does that make sense?
post #17 of 298
I had to go into counseling. It literally saved my life. I will elaborate, but I need to get my daughter to bed. I will say, though, that talking to a total stranger about her was actually kind of comforting, because I could paint the picture for her about how wonderful she was. So it helped me to focus on some of the positive memories, and not the horrible sick and dying memories or the memories that were never going to happen. Does that even make any sense? Anyway...off for bedtime rituals.

Big to all the sad mamas out there. Wishing you peace and healing. :
post #18 of 298
I just realized we both had does that make any sense comments.
post #19 of 298

Yesterday My Mom would have been 61

I'd like to join here, although I have to say I'm a big ole chicken, because this stirrs up so much in me. But sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who "gets" it. My mom died of cancer when I was just 18, in 1991. Old or new loss... you don't "get over it", but living day to day does get easier. I miss her and wonder what our adult relationship would have been like. We were just starting to be more than just mother and daughter, we were starting to be friends and then she couldn't fight anymore and gave up life as we know it on Feb. 19th, 1991. So it was weird that her birthday and deathday were so close together (for me) and I still remember buying her a hat brooch, because I wanted her to have something that was pretty and decorative, and there were so few things at the end of her life that were pretty. It made her cry anyway, because she didn't have hair, and I guess that giving her a decorative pin for her hat that was covering her baldness was maybe not very sensitive.... or maybe she just cried because she knew it was the last birthday, or because she would miss me. I don't know.

I do know that I really don't like February.
THanks for listening to me vent.
- Jen

post #20 of 298
Awww, Jen....
Thanks for coming and venting.
Welcome to the tribe.
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