Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 9

[Pookietooth]

My DH doesn't think it's a big deal -- he minimizes most of my concerns in general, and tells me that I should stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I have. Easy for him to say, he's got a mom. Not that he's at all close to her or anything.

[mamasgroovin]

Originally Posted by Pookietooth

My DH doesn't think it's a big deal -- he minimizes most of my concerns in general, and tells me that I should stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I have. Easy for him to say, he's got a mom. Not that he's at all close to her or anything.

It is a big deal...but he's right. You SHOULD focus on what you have...YOUR family. I have spent YEARS resenting that my children do not have my mom as a grandmother...of all the grandparents she would have been the most involved and most loving. My dad is cold and pretty much hates kids. So even though geographically he is close, he is not grandparently at all. And dh's mother has never really done much with the kids at all b/c she is very old and has had health issues. Dh's grandfather passed away before I met him. The only thing that will drive a wedge between your children and you ILs is you. Even if you don't say anything negative about the lack of involvement from the ILs, kids will still pick up on your negative energy. I speak this from experience and my heart. Sometimes you just need to take one for the team. What your heart is probably longing for is your mother with your children, not you children with the IL's. So no matter what they do, there will always be resentment there. In one way, you might even be better off that they ARE so far away b/c they could never live up to your expectation anyways, YK? Now a lot of this is my experience which could be WAY off what you are experiencing...just a thought. And I am not trying to tell you to just forget about it, either. Just that if you provide a loving home for you kids, they will do well. Not a day goes by that I didn't wish my kids knew Mom and what an amazing grandmother she would have been. No one else can take that place.

[papschmitty]

Originally Posted by mamasgroovin

It is a big deal...but he's right. You SHOULD focus on what you have...YOUR family. I have spent YEARS resenting that my children do not have my mom as a grandmother...of all the grandparents she would have been the most involved and most loving. My dad is cold and pretty much hates kids. So even though geographically he is close, he is not grandparently at all. And dh's mother has never really done much with the kids at all b/c she is very old and has had health issues. Dh's grandfather passed away before I met him. The only thing that will drive a wedge between your children and you ILs is you. Even if you don't say anything negative about the lack of involvement from the ILs, kids will still pick up on your negative energy. I speak this from experience and my heart. Sometimes you just need to take one for the team. What your heart is probably longing for is your mother with your children, not you children with the IL's. So no matter what they do, there will always be resentment there. In one way, you might even be better off that they ARE so far away b/c they could never live up to your expectation anyways, YK? Now a lot of this is my experience which could be WAY off what you are experiencing...just a thought. And I am not trying to tell you to just forget about it, either. Just that if you provide a loving home for you kids, they will do well. Not a day goes by that I didn't wish my kids knew Mom and what an amazing grandmother she would have been. No one else can take that place.

My mom was the most amazing grandma a kid could ever ask for. DH's mom and step-mom are good, but nothing compared to my mom. After my mom died, I think more of my grief was for my children than myself. My dad was a great grandpa too but he's gone off the deep end since my mom died and is barely around. His idea of being a grandpa now is slipping DD a piece of candy, giving her a quick tickle, and then going about his business. We used to spend at least 3 days a week with my parents before my mom died. My dad hasn't come to my house is over a month. In a lot of ways I hate my dad right now but I don't want DD to lose him too so I just try to make the best of what our relationship is now. I guess it's a good thing I have kids because I don't think I'd be speaking to him otherwise. The IL grandmas have tried really hard to fill some of the void. While DD is closer with them now than she used to be, it's still not my mom. Again, I'm trying to appreciate what I do have. It's definitely not easy though.

[jwoodbri]

I'm new here to MDC and just found this thread. I lost my mom to cancer nine years ago when I was 21. She missed me graduating from college, getting my master's, becoming a teacher, getting married, having my two boys and so much of the little daily stuff in between. I felt like I lost my family when she died. (My parents were divorced and my older brother I am not close to.)

My MIL died of cancer not quite four months ago. She did at least get to meet both of our boys but DS#2 won't remember her and we are really hoping that DS#1 will as he loved her very much.

Now our boys are down two grandmothers. And we are out both of our mothers. It just doesn't seem fair. But the boys keep us going and I hope that we can share with them memories of their grandmothers. I find it harder each day to remember my mom. I wish that I had written more down after she died. I of course remember lots of things but it's more the what was her favorite ice cream? book? It's just sad to feel the memories slipping away.

Anyway I'll have to come back to this thread when I have a bit more time to read. It seems like a supportive place.

[mamasgroovin]

Originally Posted by jwoodbri

I find it harder each day to remember my mom. I wish that I had written more down after she died. I of course remember lots of things but it's more the what was her favorite ice cream? book? It's just sad to feel the memories slipping away.

Wow...so true. There are so many little things that you forget. Oh, and welcome to the tribe.

It's funny that you mentioned that. 2 weekends ago I finally went through the trunk that had my mom's stuff in it, like her art work, letters, favorite t-shirt, things like that. I've looked though it before, but never in depth. So we were cleaning out the basement and I found something that the movers had taken out of the trunk (because it was glass) and I needed to put it back in. The trunk was a mess and I was thinking I should straighten it out before it was too late and some of the newspapers and her childhood artwork were ruined.

I found a card she had given her dp and it was simply signed with her butterfly. She had this cartoon-y looking butterfly that she ALWAYS doodled and when she divorced my dad she had it tattooed on to her . For YEARS now I have been trying to remember what that thing looked liked, I was so sad thinking it was just another lost memory.

But I have it now!! : And I have even made a batik t-shirt with it. I'll try to post up a pic of it. :

[mamasgroovin]

Here's the t-shirt I made with my mom's butterfly.

[papschmitty]

jwoodbri, welcome to our tribe. I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

mamasgroovin, I love the T-shirt. What a cool idea!

We saved a trunk of my mom's stuff that was just too painful to even look through. At her memorial service, we asked people to bring a written story about my mom: a silly story, how she touched their lives, etc. I have yet to read any of them but am hoping I can muster up the courage to do it soon. My mom was such an amazing person; she touched so many lives in such a special way.

[Pookietooth]

Originally Posted by jwoodbri

I find it harder each day to remember my mom. I wish that I had written more down after she died. I of course remember lots of things but it's more the what was her favorite ice cream? book? It's just sad to feel the memories slipping away.

I know what you mean. I didn't keep any of my mom's writings (she was an amateur writer) which I now regret.

[LadyAlathia]

Hey everyone.

This is my first post on MDC. Yay for me!

I've read most of the posts in this thread, and it seems that most if not all of you had beloved mothers that you've lost... but I was wondering if there was room in this tribe for someone whose mother is still alive, but was quite frankly never much of a mother at all, and due to circumstances will never be allowed in her daughter's (or grandson's) life again.

The story goes thus:

My mother never wanted children. She was 24 but hardly grown herself when she fell PG with me (still living with her mom... had no job...). My father, trying to be a good Catholic, married her and tried to make us a family. After 9 years and three kids, my mom left my father, taking away the one thing that he cared about the most - his kids. I haven't seen him since - my mother didn't allow contact.

My mom, and later my stepfather, were emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. From a VERY young age (we're talking six or seven years old here) I had to care for my siblings, entertain them, put band-aids on their boo-boos, fix breakfast and lunch for them and myself, even babysit when my mother decided she had somewhere she needed to go. When I was older (uh, ten?) it became my responsibility to manage the household cleaning, laundry, and dinner, as well as take care of my always-angry stepfather, who was disabled and on morphine and xanax. Yeah. He was fun to be around. Not. These responsibilities came BEFORE my schoolwork. I still made honour roll every year. They didn't care. They didn't even want to attend my high school graduation. It took a personal phone call from a (personal favourite) teacher to convince them to go.

It's amazing how a set of "parents" can make you believe nothing you do matters, that you've never accomplished anything and you are completely incapable of survival on your own. I finally got the courage to move out at 20 years old (it suddenly dawned on me that I was the only person in the house with a full time job, and I was STILL doing all the domestic tasks). They actually told me "There's no way you'll be able to afford to live by yourself." Three DAYS after I moved out, they called me asking to borrow money. I've never felt so empowered in my life.

I met my husband, we married, and just this past October I picked my little sister up and took her out for her 16th birthday. We had a good time, and we were nearly back to her house when my mother TEXTED her, demanding she pass on orders that I was to stop and buy her (my mother) a candy bar or something stupid like that on the way back to the house. We were no where NEAR a store, we wouldn't be passing another one before we got back to the house, and the woman didn't even ask nicely... so I said no. Mom's response to Mary was "You just remember that for next time". Oh no, you did NOT just threaten my baby sister over a candy bar. (this whole living independently thing gives you guts, srsly. ^_^) I confronted her about it when we got to the house... told her I thought it was pathetic to hold something like that over a 15 year old girl's head and a 45 year old woman should be fully capable of buying her own d@mn candy bar, thank you very much. That started a huge argument that ended with my mom holding me against a wall and beating me repeatedly in the face.

My stepfather (who had recently been sucking up to me, since he and mom were having marital problems) told me it was my own fault, and I shouldn't have reported her because what would people say about the girl who had her own mother sent to jail, and he bailed her out.

There were still scratches on my arms when the restraining order was processed.

I still had tender spots on my face (though you couldn't see the bruises anymore) when I found out I was pregnant with my son.

My sister is not allowed to have contact with me any more because of them... though we manage to sneak text messages once in a while, and email through Myspace from time to time. I haven't seen her in almost a year.

My mother is NEVER allowed to see my son. Period. He has no grandmother, no stepgrandfather, and no uncle (that's another story entirely). Unfortunately, he also has no grandpa, since all of my efforts to find my dad have turned up blank. Twelve years is a LONG time to be separated.

It's been really hard, going through a pregnancy without any support. There were a LOT of nights I cried myself to sleep, apologizing to the baby inside me for not bringing him into a big, loving family... that all he would have is Daddy and me to care for him. Then I would promise him that the bad people would never come close to him, and he would never have the childhood I had. Mommy and Daddy would always love him, and (equally importantly) always love each other.

Sometimes, I have to admit... I really wish I had a mommy of my own. Just once... just to know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.


*sorry for the novel. If you made it through that, you're a braver person than I*

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by LadyAlathia

Sometimes, I have to admit... I really wish I had a mommy of my own. Just once... just to know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.

My story really does not compare to yours, but I wanted to share something with you.

My Mom was a brilliant and lovely woman. I truly owe who I am in and out to her. She also was plagued by serious depression issues that she #1 never would admit to, and #2 never received any help for. The majority of my memories of my Mom are of her laying on the couch.

I spent a lot of time alone as a child, and in many ways I was plainly forgotten about. My Mom seemed to like me more as an adult, and that I'm blessed with, but those years as a child are still very painful to think about.

Then I had my beautiful daughter. I know all children are special, but this little one has healed so much hurt in me, just from her sheer presence in my life.

There have been times in her life where I'm caught in a Mommy moment. Reading a book, cuddling, running around in the yard, and it's like time stands still for a second. It's this moment of real sadness, and pure joy all wrapped into one. It's really hard for me to describe. But in this moment I'm sad for the child still in me, who never had these moments with a loving parent. Yet I'm so happy seeing the joy it brings my daughter. Over the past 8 years these moments have actually healed a large part of resentment I was holding onto regarding my childhood. It's almost like I'm mothering myself. Making these memories with my daughter, is filling that empty spot in my heart that wished for those memories of my own.

You can make these memories with your child. May they be magical and heal your heart as well.

[trinity6232000]

I came tonight to say hello, but needed to first respond in my previous post.

The two year anniversary of my Mom's passing is coming up soon (September 10th) and my Dad is getting remarried this coming October. This week I'm moving out of the house I shared with my Dad while I helped him care for my Mom, and although I'm happy for him, I am very sad over all the changes in my world.

It seems like I don't really have a family anymore. I do like my Dad's soon to be wife, but my Dad has changed. He is far more self centered than he once was. I'm not included in anything in his life.

I gave up a lot when I moved back home to help him. I never wanted a pay back, I never even wanted a thank you. I knew I was being helpful, and I couldn't allow my Dad to go threw it alone. I also cherish all the memories I got to create with my Mom in her day to day life, even if she was sick. Plus those memories my daughter got to create with my Mom.

But since he started to date N, I feel like I'm always in the way. The way I'm treated sometimes is as if I moved in with my Dad cause I didn't have anywhere to go or that he never needed my help. I thought at first I was being paranoid, then others picked up on it to.

I had a really productive talk with my Dad today. I hope he heard me, I think he did, but I feel like we've been having the same talk for sometime now. He and his new gal seem to think that I don't except her, that I'm bitter, and I don't want them together. I told him I don't feel that way, that I hold no resentment toward her, but I feel like I've been lied to by my Dad, and I feel actively left out.

He agreed, even if that wasn't his intentions. As I talked he couldn't look at me. He tried to explain it away, and I told him I understood he wasn't excluding his child on purpose, but that he was excluding his children from his life.


I am excited to start this new life for myself and my daughter. Her whole life we've lived here, so a lot of my day to day has been shaped by first taking care of my Mom, and then my Dad. I'm still sad. I miss my Mom a lot. I feel lost.

I guess I'm mourning the life I thought I would have. One where my Mom stayed healthy, and where somebody wasn't taking her place. One where my childhood home wasn't being sold. One where I had a place to go for holidays.

I'm really trying to stay positive, but with the anniversary coming up I just really miss my Mom, and the life we led with her in it.

[KJoslyn78]

Originally Posted by LadyAlathia

Sometimes, I have to admit... I really wish I had a mommy of my own. Just once... just to know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.


*sorry for the novel. If you made it through that, you're a braver person than I*

No need to apologize, really. : My mother was a real... "winner" herself, though not so much as badly as your mother. I am grateful and lucky i had a father who fought tooth and nail for 3 years in court to win custody of my brothers and I. So, i do understand some. My mom got a tad better after i had kids, my dad died... but she still drank herself to death last year. Her alcohol was always, ALWAYS, more important then my brothers and I. And liek you, i was the one baby sitting (at like age 8), cooking, cleaning, when we were not shuffled between baby sitters. I wish my mom would have cleaned up her act so she could have still been here today i always wanted the mother-daughter relationship i always hear/read about too. But i digress and am rambling... mostly i wanted to say i understand where you are coming from :

Originally Posted by trinity6232000

I'm really trying to stay positive, but with the anniversary coming up I just really miss my Mom, and the life we led with her in it.

: sorry you are feeling left out by your dad.. i hope he really heard what you said and he trys to start including you more. Have you talked to his soon-to-be wife at all as well? Or maybe both of them together?

I hope that the anniversary passes swifty and without incident for you :

[TexasSuz]

I really have been missing my mom this weekend. She has only been gone since the end of July. Dh had military drill this weekend and before she had to move in with us my mom would always come and stay with me when Dh had drill. I loved our weekends together. We went shopping with the kids, went out to dinner, watched her favorite HGTV shows, etc. I loved being around her. I loved her friendship. I miss her so much and feel the hugeness of what I have lost. Life is just not as sweet without her to share it with. I am so lonely without her...

Thanks for letting me vent...

[papschmitty]

LadyAlathia, I'm so sorry for your trials. I can't imagine growing up like that. I'm glad you're able to stay connected to your sister even if it's limited.

TexasSuz, I hope you were able to survive the weekend OK. I used to spend every Sunday with my mom and it took me at least 6 months to even being to enjoy spending a Sunday without her. My DH is gone almost every Sunday so it was a huge void not having my mom around.

trinity6232000, I know how you feel - except I truly hate the woman my dad has chosen to be with. My dad is such a different person now. VERY self-centered. It's like he forgot who he was when my mom died. He's still seeing this woman despite the fact that 1.) she's married and has a young child and 2.) she treats him like garbage. She has broken up with him at least 6 times in the last 10 months which devastates him every time. He is spending all sorts of money that he doesn't have trying to impress this evil, disgusting woman. I used to spend at least 3 days a week with my parents and now I'm lucky if I spend one evening a month with my dad. I shouldn't be too upset though, I don't even really like being around him anymore. He's being a terrible father, a terrible grandfather, and not a very good person in general considering that he's trying to break up someone else's family for his own personal gain. He's such a mess; he's destroying his life and eventually it's going to leave me and my sister picking up the pieces. My mom would be horrified if she could see him now. I'm so sad for the life I used to have.

I'm pg w/#2 and the thought of doing it without my mom just kills me. My sister has been hugely supportive but she has her own family to worry about. When I had DD, my entire family was there (mom, dad, sister, and DH). When i told my dad I was planning a homebirth this time, he asked if he could be there and I told him no. It's amazing how much things can change in the blink of an eye.

[Olives]

Hugs to all of you out there, so much of what has been said from many of the the posts here are like words coming from my own heart.

Originally Posted by trinity6232000

It seems like I don't really have a family anymore.

I guess I'm mourning the life I thought I would have.

I just really miss my Mom, and the life we led with her in it.

Trinity, I feel very much the same way a lot of the time. It is so hard for me to reconcile this life that I have when it looks nothing like what I thought it would be. It's as if I took a very wrong turn and there is no way to ever go back. I feel this void that will never go away.

[the_juniper_tree]

intro

Hello.

My mother passed away unexpectedly on Thanksgiving last year...... I miss her so much.

If you have time then please watch her memorial video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIXjppE_Xm4

I am sorry for all of your losses.

[Pookietooth]

LadyAlathia, that sounds horrible. I am so sorry for what your mom did to you, and continues to do to your sister. You are most definitely welcome here. There are lots of ways to lose a mom -- sounds like you never even had one, which is the biggest loss of all. to you. As far as your sister, have you reported your mom's treatment of her? Do you think you could get custody of her? I have heard of people doing that in cases like yours. Or maybe she can escape on her own? Will she be 18 soon?

[welsh]

I just wanted to say that I've shed a few tears reading all of your posts! My Mum died on 7/18/07 and just over a year later I had DS, my first. My heart aches everyday for the Grandma he'll never know and the Mum and Best Friend I lost, the center of our family. As she slipped away I said, "If I can be half the Mother you were...."
My Dad is so lonely without her and drinks way too much. He is a good man and great Dad/Grandad in many ways but can be difficult. I live overseas and my Sister is back home, near Dad. I know she feels alot of responsibility towards including him in weekend activities etc and I feel guilty about that. Her DD was 9 months old when my Mum died and I think my Sis put a block on her own grief to care for her baby. She can be brittle at times and I feel bad for her that she couldn't wallow like I did.
Anyway...here I am!

[papschmitty]

So my relationship with my dad has hit an all time low and it's killing me inside. He's still having an affair with the married woman. He rarely spends time with me, my sister, or our families. He didn't even want to spend his birthday with us until his girlfriend cancelled on him at the last minute. I'd like to think that I'm coming to terms with the fact that my relationship with him will never be what it was. It's hard but I'm trying.

I work full time as a nurse but work an additional day at his office managing the finances. I make less half what I do as a nurse but I've done this work for the past 8 years as a favor to him and because I loved working with my family. My sister is the office manager.

When our relationship starting going south, my sister and I convinced him to go to counseling. He had no interest in stopping his affair but we set some ground rules that we could all live with. Mainly, he's to keep his relationship with her separate from his relationship with us (no texting around us, no talking about her, etc at home and at work). To his credit, he stuck with this for a while.

My sister and I have several major objections to this woman. First of all she's married with a 5 year old son, so that alone makes this relationship immoral and wrong beyond words. Second of all, my dad had an affair with this woman when I was young. It nearly tore my family apart but we moved on to have many amazing, wonderful years together. Third, from my outsider's perspective, she's emtionally abusive to my dad. Fourth, she started persuing my dad the minute she found out my died which I view as predatory. Yes my dad is a grown an with free will but a man who lost his wife of 35 years is in no position to be started a new relationship. Shame on her for preying on his vulnerability. Fourth, this woman is evil and a horrible person anyway and NEVER someone I would want to be around. I will NEVER allow her anywhere near my children.

About 2 months ago, my dad went to a continuing education conference for work and notified me at the last minute that he would be staying in a hotel so he wouldn't have to drive the 45 minute commute each way. First of all, he gave me no notice so I didn't budget the office to pay for it. Second of all, I got stuck staying at his house dog sitting while my husband who just had surgery had to stay at home and take care of our DD. I got the bill for his 3 night stay about 3 wks later and it was amost $2,000! I looked at the meal receipts and he very clearly had his girlfriend there with him and the office paid for all their meals and drinks. I was beyond livid. He lied to me, broke our ground rules, took advantage of me, and spent money the office didn't have to play house with this disgusting woman. (We took a huge hit financially while my mom was dying because my dad was away from the office so much).

He recently informed me that he IS going to a continuing education seminar in Hawaii in January depsite the fact that the office can't afford it. We got in a fight when I told him there was no money to pay for it. He stormed out but apologized later saying "we could try to work something out". Mind you, this conference is right around the time that I'm due to have a baby. He'd rather play tropical playboy than support his daughter birthing his LAST grandchild. Last week, he brought it up again. He basically said that if there wasn't money to pay for the trip that meant that there was something wrong with the office finances. Except for catching up after my mom's death, we're in the best financial shape we've ever been in. I do a very good job with the finances. The argument got ugly pretty quickly and we parted ways without resolving it. I haven't spoken to him since other than being professional at work on Friday in front of patients.

I am so angry that he thinks the office can bankroll his affair with a married woman. First of all, we can't afford it. Even if we could, it's a stupid way to be spending money. He doesn't even need the continuing education credits! He admitted to my sister that "if she's going it's none of our business" which means she's going. So much for keeping their relationship separate from the office. I looked at his personal bank account (I helped him get his finances in order after my mom died) and he recently cashed out some of my mom's retirement because his personal finances are so bad. He's trying so hard to pretend that he's rich to impress this woman. It makes me so angry and breaks my heart all at the same time.

I was so angry last week that I had decided his personal relationship with me and my family was over until his relationship with this woman ends and he (hopefully) comes to his senses someday. I felt some obligation to keep him in my life for the sake of DD but his relationship with her is a joke. I've settled down a little but still am so torn about what to do. I've decided I'm not going to quit working at his office. My dad is a great doctor but a terrible business owner. His office would fall apart without me and my sister. If I quit, it will all fall on my sister's shoulders and she has enough on her plate as it is. Once the baby comes, I will be doing my work after hours anyway so I wouldn't have to see him nearly as often. Though I would get stuck dealing with him trying to use the office to play rich doctor.

He stopped by my sister's house last night and got choked up when I came up so he is bothered by the fact that we're not speaking. They couldn't really talk about things though as my niece was there. I'll probably go over to his house Thursday night (when DH can watch DD) to hash things out. I just don't know what to do. All this drama and watching him self destruct is killing me. It's bringing such negativity into my life and I just can't handle it. If he weren't my dad, I would have cut him out of my life a long time ago. This affair has been going on a year now. Sometimes I feel like I need to cut him out of our lives - he's so selfish and not even the same person anymore. Then the thought of life without my mom and my dad pains me beyond words. I promised my mom over and over again on her death bed that I would take care of the family. I'm not doing a very good job.

I really hope that my mom is in a place where she doesn't even know this is happening. It would break her heart. Our family meant everything to her.

Sorry for the novel, I needed to vent.

[papschmitty]

welsh, you must have posted while I was writing my previous post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Welcome to our tribe.