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Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 2

post #21 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by fairydoula View Post
I miss her and wonder what our adult relationship would have been like. We were just starting to be more than just mother and daughter, we were starting to be friends
I have said this exact thing so many times over the last few years.

Hi all. Hope i can join I lost my Mom to cancer when i was 19, just shy of 20. It was 6 years this past August. My now husband and i got engaged the day before she found out she was terminal. She had really wanted to come shopping with me for my wedding dress, but she was too weak, so i ordered it in the mail and she got to see me in it the last time she was really coherent, four days before she died. Then she went to sleep and never really woke up. She died surrounded by my father, my sisters and brothers-in-law in her own home. Her death was so sad, but also so beautiful and spiritual. Her hospice care was handled so beautifully... i am no longer afraid of death.

We got married nine months after she died, and those were easily the nine hardest months of my life. I think the first year was the worst... the first holidays, birthdays, get togethers, and each time feeling that acute sense of loss. She was there in spirit when dh and i got married. And when i had my first daughter nine months later (who was named after my mother, Isabelle) i looked at my baby and i understood my mother. I finally understood that fierce, protective love that a mama has for her child. And she made sense.

s to all those of you who are struggling with fresh grief. It is work. You don't have to shove it down, you don't have to "get over it". Feel the hurt as much as you loved. It is an honor.
post #22 of 298
My we are an active tribe of late! Welcome, milkydoula! And thanks for coming and sharing your story.

Hearing all theses stories of our new tribeswomen makes me think more and more of my own mother's death. That IS the problem with being a part of this group, YK. Since we have a new thread going and lots of new mamas, does anyone want to re-share their stories from the previous threads?

February has historically been hard on me since my mom's passing as well, but I had kind of related that to my move back to the midwest from San Francisco. Her birthday was 1-24, and then her diagnosis in March, death in April, blah, blah, blah...so maybe it's just all my penned up anxiety about all the upcoming oh-so-important dates.

Anyway, I think I'd like to reshare my story, at some point...maybe closer to her deathday.
post #23 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by fairydoula View Post
I'd like to join here, although I have to say I'm a big ole chicken, because this stirrs up so much in me.
I do know that I really don't like February.
THanks for listening to me vent.
- Jen

Welcome to our sad sad little tribe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamasgroovin View Post
Since we have a new thread going and lots of new mamas, does anyone want to re-share their stories from the previous threads?
Sometimes it is so hard to share what my mom meant to me. I know a lot of people struggle with their mom and their relationship. I was not one. I had an awesome mom. We talked 15 times a day. I am at a loss without her. I do not even know how to feel the void. I have great friends none of them are my mom. I have a great husband he sure aint my mom. My dad is awesome too but again he makes a lousy mother. It is funny...we were blessed with a daughter this past year. We thought 8 years ago we are done having children. I never want to pin my hopes and wants on my children. Make them into something they are not. But Boy, I pray that Maggie and I have a great relationship. I know it is something not to force. I pray she likes me when she is a teen (my mom and i had no problems during my teen age years). I have so much hope with Maggie's future that I hope it is not putting too much on our relationship. does that makes sense? You know what is funny...people have stopped us to go WOW Maggie looks like your mom. A few people did not even know my mom had passed. No buddy has ever said that before with any of our kids.
post #24 of 298
Thanks for the warm welcomes!

Quote:
Originally Posted by earthgirl View Post
Petersmamma, I think we are living parallel lives. I lost my mom almost 12 years ago, and my dad has not been in my life since, well, really never. I am also an only and my MIL is less than stellar (putting it nicely) as a grandmother. I could go on and on w/ the ways she has completely disregarded and ignored DD, but I won't. Anyway, I find that so much of what hurts now is the realization that my DD is not going to have the kind of grandmother she deserves. My mom would have been doting, overly involved, nurturing and fun. MIL is not even one of these things. It breaks my heart and it also makes me angry.
It's such a bummer to know that your dc won't have the family relationships you wish they could have.

It makes me excited to become a grandma just to be able to do the things my mom wasn't able to do!

Quote:
Originally Posted by fairydoula View Post
I'd like to join here, although I have to say I'm a big ole chicken, because this stirrs up so much in me. But sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who "gets" it. My mom died of cancer when I was just 18, in 1991. Old or new loss... you don't "get over it", but living day to day does get easier. I miss her and wonder what our adult relationship would have been like. We were just starting to be more than just mother and daughter, we were starting to be friends and then she couldn't fight anymore and gave up life as we know it on Feb. 19th, 1991. So it was weird that her birthday and deathday were so close together (for me) and I still remember buying her a hat brooch, because I wanted her to have something that was pretty and decorative, and there were so few things at the end of her life that were pretty. It made her cry anyway, because she didn't have hair, and I guess that giving her a decorative pin for her hat that was covering her baldness was maybe not very sensitive.... or maybe she just cried because she knew it was the last birthday, or because she would miss me. I don't know.

I do know that I really don't like February.
THanks for listening to me vent.
- Jen



I often wonder about how my relationship with my mom would be now.

She died when I was 14, and in the middle of that tumultuous teenage turmoil. However, we were starting to understand each other more, and I think we would have had a nice relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by milkydoula View Post
I have said this exact thing so many times over the last few years.

Hi all. Hope i can join I lost my Mom to cancer when i was 19, just shy of 20. It was 6 years this past August. My now husband and i got engaged the day before she found out she was terminal. She had really wanted to come shopping with me for my wedding dress, but she was too weak, so i ordered it in the mail and she got to see me in it the last time she was really coherent, four days before she died. Then she went to sleep and never really woke up. She died surrounded by my father, my sisters and brothers-in-law in her own home. Her death was so sad, but also so beautiful and spiritual. Her hospice care was handled so beautifully... i am no longer afraid of death.

We got married nine months after she died, and those were easily the nine hardest months of my life. I think the first year was the worst... the first holidays, birthdays, get togethers, and each time feeling that acute sense of loss. She was there in spirit when dh and i got married. And when i had my first daughter nine months later (who was named after my mother, Isabelle) i looked at my baby and i understood my mother. I finally understood that fierce, protective love that a mama has for her child. And she made sense.

s to all those of you who are struggling with fresh grief. It is work. You don't have to shove it down, you don't have to "get over it". Feel the hurt as much as you loved. It is an honor.


I'm glad that your mother had such a beautiful passing.
post #25 of 298
Hi
I lost my mom to ovarian cancer may 2006. I can not believe it is almost 2 years now. I had lost my dad in 1991 to lung cancer. I am an only child - An orphan at 34! I got pregnant with my sweet dd during my mom's illness. And felt her move for the first time lying with my mom while she was dying.
My mom was my best friend & I miss her terribly every. single. day.
I wanted her to be with me when I delivered (& she was in spirit) I wanted her to hold my hand & tell me to stop crying & suck it up.
I have so much grief. And anger.
post #26 of 298
Welcome windorabug, and .
post #27 of 298
I hope it's okay if I join.

My story is a bit different, as my mom passed when I was four. I think this was both a blessing and a curse to be so young. A curse because I feel like I never really got to "know" her - and a blessing for that same reason. I didn't have a dad.... I was an "oops" baby born twelve and fourteen years after my siblings, respectively. Apparently he was married when he and my mom had an affair. She went in for an abortion and as they began prepping her for the procedure, she freaked out and left. Whew!

I was raised by my grandparents, who were nuts, to say the least. After they passed by the time I was 13, I felt. So. Alone. My 23 year old sister, who had a 1year old by a man who had just committed suicide, got custody of me. She was bipolar, an alcoholic, just in a really terrible place back then. I became a very angry teen.

But I guess that's neither here nor there. I, too, have many, many moments where all I want to do is call up my mama and cry. Drive over to "her house" and have her hold me and drink some tea and just have her in my life. When I'm really down, thinking about that makes me feel sorry for myself and really pushes me over the edge. Because I had no real maternal influence growing up, having my first at twenty left me utterly baffled. In a way, it was freeing - I homebirthed, coslept, extended nursed, etc. I was free to create my *own* definition of motherhood. OTOH, I didn't know what being maternal *was*, if that makes any sense. Every day, with my two kids, I'm a bit scared and overwhelmed and never quite sure if I'm being a proper "mommy".

Oh, jeez, I think I just wrote another novel, lol. I'll stop now before I hijack your entire thread.
post #28 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by candiland View Post
Every day, with my two kids, I'm a bit scared and overwhelmed and never quite sure if I'm being a proper "mommy".
Of course you are welcome here!

I pulled that line out because everyone feels that way! It sounds like you have made your own path to suit you and your family. Right on! Coming from such a difficult upbringing, it seems like you've done a fine job choosing a proper path.
post #29 of 298
Welcome Candiland and windorabug; I'm glad you decided to join us.

We had a beautiful day here in Seattle today. My sister and I rounded up our kids and met some of my mom's family for a trip to the zoo. It was so nice spending time with them but it definitely felt a little empty without my mom. She would have loved it!

Since our little intervention with my dad, he's been going out of his way to be nice to us. We actually went to the zoo on after church on Sunday too. We didn't tell him we were going; his phone was vibrating with her incoming call during church so I was too upset to want to spend time with him. I felt bad not inviting him but there was just something about getting a call from his married girlfriend during church that was too much for me to handle.

He actually followed through and scheduled us for our first family counseling session this Friday. I'm sure it's not going to be pretty but I'm glad we're moving forward with it. My sister and I are both tired of harboring so much anger. I'm spending way too much of my precious energy being angry and devastated about something that I no control to change. I really hope I can let go soon. It's hard enough grieving for my mom.
post #30 of 298
OMG!! That all sounds wonderful, Papschmitty!!
Sending healing : for Friday!
post #31 of 298
Thanks! We need all the good vibes we can get!

I had kind of a bummer day today. About two months ago, my sister had a suspicious mole removed from one of her breasts that came back pretty bad on the biopsy. They had to go back and dig a bunch more tissue out to make sure it was completely gone. This was her second one so now she has to get body-wide photographs taken of all her moles every 6 months. Given my sister's experience and the fact that I just lost my mom to cancer 6 months ago, I decided to be a little more proactive. I saw my sister's dermatologist for a routine skin check today. She took one look at me and said that I had two moles that had to come of "RIGHT NOW". She shaved them off and they're being sent off for biopsy. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing, but we haven't really had the best track record lately. When my mom's hip started hurting, we all though nothing of it. Three months later she was diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and two months after that she was gone. : I usually don't over react like this but it's just bringing back a lot of painful memories. On the bright side, my two year old DD loves putting bandages on my "owies".
post #32 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by papschmitty View Post
Welcome Candiland and windorabug; I'm glad you decided to join us.

We had a beautiful day here in Seattle today. My sister and I rounded up our kids and met some of my mom's family for a trip to the zoo. It was so nice spending time with them but it definitely felt a little empty without my mom. She would have loved it!

Since our little intervention with my dad, he's been going out of his way to be nice to us. We actually went to the zoo on after church on Sunday too. We didn't tell him we were going; his phone was vibrating with her incoming call during church so I was too upset to want to spend time with him. I felt bad not inviting him but there was just something about getting a call from his married girlfriend during church that was too much for me to handle.

He actually followed through and scheduled us for our first family counseling session this Friday. I'm sure it's not going to be pretty but I'm glad we're moving forward with it. My sister and I are both tired of harboring so much anger. I'm spending way too much of my precious energy being angry and devastated about something that I no control to change. I really hope I can let go soon. It's hard enough grieving for my mom.

We were at the zoo on the 18th too and the 14th also.

I hope counseling helps.
post #33 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by papschmitty View Post
Thanks! We need all the good vibes we can get!

I had kind of a bummer day today. About two months ago, my sister had a suspicious mole removed from one of her breasts that came back pretty bad on the biopsy. They had to go back and dig a bunch more tissue out to make sure it was completely gone. This was her second one so now she has to get body-wide photographs taken of all her moles every 6 months. Given my sister's experience and the fact that I just lost my mom to cancer 6 months ago, I decided to be a little more proactive. I saw my sister's dermatologist for a routine skin check today. She took one look at me and said that I had two moles that had to come of "RIGHT NOW". She shaved them off and they're being sent off for biopsy. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing, but we haven't really had the best track record lately. When my mom's hip started hurting, we all though nothing of it. Three months later she was diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and two months after that she was gone. : I usually don't over react like this but it's just bringing back a lot of painful memories. On the bright side, my two year old DD loves putting bandages on my "owies".
HUGS and prayers your way. I hope it is nothing.
post #34 of 298
Quote:
HUGS and prayers your way. I hope it is nothing.
: Good for you in your proactiveness...reminds me that I still haven't had my mammogram. :
post #35 of 298
I just heard back from the doctor today. One of the moles she removed is a melanoma. : Lucky for me, it's in a very early stage. It is most likely in situ, meaning it hasn't spread to any other place. They determine prognosis based entirely on how deep the melanoma goes. Mine is very shallow, which is great news for me. The biopsy did not show clean margins which means there's still some melanoma left in my leg. I go back in two weeks to have more flesh dug out. They have to have a full 5 mm margin of clean, cancer-free tissue around the original site to give me the all clear.

Usually I'm pretty laid back about things related to my health but this really threw me for a loop. I've been crying on and off all day. I'm not worried that I'm going to die - I know that I'm going to be just fine. It just brought up a lot of difficult feelings and memories after losing my mom. It just seems way too soon to even have to say the word cancer again, let alone experience it myself. It's especially hard not to have her to call and share my bad news with. It was pretty rough telling my family. Again, not because anyone is worried about my wellbeing but because it's just a cruel reminder of what we've lost.

The dermatologist was apologetic about how much more tissue they were going to have to remove. I told her that they could take my entire calf if they wanted; I just want it OUT. I'm going to be pretty antsy for the next two weeks while I wait for my next appointment. It's a pretty creepy feeling knowing that there's cancer hanging out in my leg right this very second.
post #36 of 298
Wow, papschmitty. I'm glad it's so treatable, but that it still quite a blow. I'm so sorry.
post #37 of 298
Thread Starter 
HUGS papschmitty I am so sorry.


This has been a tough week for me. I lost a cousin to cancer. It has brought all those feelings to the surface again and I keep on trying to call my mom to discuss funeral plans etc. for my cousin.
post #38 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by mum4boys View Post
This has been a tough week for me. I lost a cousin to cancer. It has brought all those feelings to the surface again and I keep on trying to call my mom to discuss funeral plans etc. for my cousin.
I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with loss all over again.
post #39 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by papschmitty View Post
I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with loss all over again.

I can so much relate when you said it is having to deal with the cancer and all the feelings all over again.
My family does not do cancer, lol. I have a huge huge family 49 first cousins on one side, not counting their spouses or kids. No one has ever died of cancer until my mom so loosing my cousin to cancer well come on.
I hate that out of control feeling. I cannot tell you how many times in the last few days I have tried to call my mom or thought got to tell mom this or that. I can feel my mom with me but you know I really need her feedback. I know she would give it if she could.
post #40 of 298
I totally hear you on the family thing. My family isn't quite as big but, especially on my mom's side, we're super close. We're a pretty healthy bunch, all living rather healthy lifestyles but we seem to be plagued with cancer. My 26 year old cousin has had leukemia and colon cancer. My grandfather has had colon and bladder cancer. His sister had breast cancer, his brother had lung cancer. His wife has advanced Alzheimer's (not cancer but still very bad). My uncle had bladder cancer. My grandfather's siblings both lost their battles with cancer, but the rest of the family has always beat it. When my cousin was diagnosed with leukemia, she was given a 30% chance of survival. She beat it and then went on to be colon cancer many years later. We all assumed that my mom would be her cancer too. I'm very grateful that my cancer is so minor. I just really wish I had my mom to talk to about all this. She was such a good listener. I agree with you that I feel her presence but really miss her feedback.

When my mom was diagnosed, I bought her a T-shirt that was plain white with black letter that just said F**K CANCER (censored to comply with MDC UA). It's a short statement but seems rather fitting.
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