Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 11

[MominTN]

Another Mom without a mom

I'm so glad you have this group... I just read a bunch of your posts and am so sad for all of you, particularly those with recent losses. I lost my mom about 3-1/2 years ago when I was 32 and she was only 48. She had a quick battle with an aggressive cancer and died only 5-1/2 weeks after diagnosis. I have felt pretty good about how I've coped over time, feeling like I have been able to continue some kind of connection with her that has been very reassuring. But now that I am pregnant for the first time, it is very hard to think about how she will miss everything, how I can't talk to her about all the related issues. My younger sister has two children, who were about 4 and 1 when our mom died, so she had a very close "mother-to-mother" relationship with my mom. Now I am beginning to understand all the value of that relationship and am mourning the absence of that relationship. Fortunately, I have a terrific mother-in-law, but it will never be the same.

Wishing you all healing and peace.

Crystal

[papschmitty]

Welcome MominTN. I'm so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on your pg! I'm pg too, due in January and not having my mom around has been really hard on me. I had to warn the midwife and doula that I might be a blubbering, sobbing mess during and after my labor and delivery. I'm glad you have a great MIL, but believe me, I understand that it's just not the same.

[prairiebird]

I thought I would introduce myself into this thread even though I'll probably lurk for a while so I can go back and read it all. I am 32 and a mother of 5m and I lost my mother to breast cancer the day after I turned 14. She'd been sick for 5 or 6 years by then trying to fight it.

I'm finding as I grow older and as I've had my children, I keep going through these periods where I miss her like crazy. I keep thinking I'm weird to have these bouts of fresh grief so many years later, but I guess it's more common than I thought.

So hugs to everyone, and I'll be around reading things here to see what sorts of things have been discussed.

[papschmitty]

Thanks for joining us prairiebird. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Last week, my mom's mom passed away. She's had Alzheimer's for almost 10 years now so it wasn't particularly unexpected but losing her so soon after losing my own mom has been rough. My grandma was an amazing woman, just like my mom. I just happened to be visiting her the day before she died. She was in a long term care facility a few hours away so I never get there as often as I like. She had taken a turn for the worst but seemed to be doing better the day I saw her. She died the following day. I know she and my mom are having a grand old time in heaven together, but it's so hard losing some of the most influential women of my lifetime. The memorial service is next Monday. My grandpa wants all the family to have some time together in the days leading up to it (we're a huge family and really close) so DH, DD, and I are headed over there this Saturday. This will be the first time that everyone has been together since my mom died. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again but I know it's going to be really, really hard. To complicate things, I'll be 37 weeks pregnant then and I hear it's supposed to snow! I'm praying that I don't go into labor early while I'm out of town. I wouldn't miss this for the world though...

[Theoretica]

Can I be here?

My mom died when I was 12 from non hodgkins lymphoma. It was brutal to watch her die and I still can't even type that without crying. My 31st bday was last week. I miss her so much still. I can't believe how much it still hurts, and how hard I work to not think about it. I would give anything for her to see my babies, to meet my husband, to see the life I have and the people I love. I grew up without her, after she died I bounced around to different placements and ended up w/my biofather, who didn't want me then anymore than he did when I was born. He's a nutcase anyways, I actually have legal guardianship of him now.

I hate having to learn how to be a mother without remembering my own.

I hate the ache that is always there in the back of my soul.

I hate the feeling I have of dread wondering if I will live to see my own children grow up. My mom was 31 when she had me, I just turned 31 so it's this weird. I was in therapy for a long time, my therp said once I pass the age she was when she died (43) I'll relax more.

We shall see.

Thanks for this thread. I've always felt alone in this situation, seeing other mamas going through it really helps.

Bellevuemama

[Pookietooth]

to you, Bellevuemama and Prairiebird. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your mom at 12. It was hard enough at 30! I do identify with the whole wanting your mom to meet your kids -- mine didn't get a chance to meet ds.

I was just reading an article about family traditions, and realizing how different ours is, with no close relatives near and only one, flakey grandparent left. DS will probably receive no gifts or cards from MIL, as usual. We have to be both parents and grandparents for him, which I don't like. Sigh.

s to everyone. The holidays can be hard when you have lost your moms.

[HrCreuzi]

I am so happy to have found all of you (well, ok- that sounds wrong. I hope you know what I mean!). I lost my mom 9 years ago. She had a lot of mental health issues, got drunk, hit her head and died from the concussion.

The holidays are very hard in that they were her favorite and (usually) most sober times. And trying to parent without her is VERY hard. My dad remembers almost nothing, my step-mom is nice but not a lot of help and my MIL is WAY different and doesn't understand "our ways".

It's been so hard as I meet other moms and on some of my other groups because they don't understand why it's so hard. They think that it's been so long or that since I'm a mom now I should be ok. They don't get how when I say that it's important for me to do something or that it's in honor of or from my mom just how important it is.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I'm not used to getting to talk about it.

I'll try to go back and read all the other posts too. But big hugs to all who have become mom-less. (and if you haven't- I really suggest you read "Motherless Daughter's" when you are ready. It helped me a lot!)

[RubyOrganique]

prairiebird - were you in the July dd club? If so, I think I remember you. I didn't realize our stories were so similar. I lost my mom just before I turned 10. I am mother to my first who is 5 months old.

I, too, go through certain periods of time when I miss her terribly, even though I hardly knew life with her. It seems cyclical. But there have been some surprising times when I feel she walks with me. During my pregnancy and labor, I felt like she was right there. Her 24th anniversary happened a month before I gave birth and I was shocked at how good I felt that day. We call her "Angel Grandma" (as my dad is married and it is important to me to differentiate her from Dad's wife and from dh's mom)

During my long labor, I kept thinking about how my mom had done this 4 times. I hung a photo of her at the hospital after her first baby on the wall in the baby's room where I labored. A friend of mine from a motherless daughters group I belong to suggested that and I'm so glad she did.

I would second the suggestion to pick up Motherless Daughters when you're ready. It took me almost 10 years from the time I got it to when I was ready to read it. Even better, I think, is Edelman's newer book Motherless Mothers. It was integral to the process I went through before deciding I wanted to be and was capable of being a mother.

Hrcreuzi - look at meetup.com They might have a motherless daughters or motherless mothers group you might be interested in joining. I have found my experience with a group so transforming.

Know you're not alone.

[trinity6232000]

I could really use some advice, like I'm desperate to find anybody who has been in the situation I have found myself in.

Basically my Dad's new wife can't stand me. I have tried for two years (while they were dating) to bridge the gap, to get along, and it really got bad over Christmas.

If anybody could read my post in Personal Growth, and give any advice you have.

It's times like these when I miss my Mom the most. She always had my back, was always able to help me find my self worth in bad situations. I feel so broken right now. I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I feel so alone in this situation, and could use advice. Thanks.

[KJoslyn78]

It's been awhile.. how's everyone doing?

Ther eis so much drama in my family life right now - i wish my mom was here to help deflect some of it (she was good at that)

[Pookietooth]

to all. It's rough living without mama.

[socialworkmamma]

My sister-in-law just became a mother without a mother. I would love to hear from some women who have been there some special ways I can help and let her know I'm there when she needs me.
TIA
Pamela

[FelixMom]

Pamela,
How long ago did your SIL's mother pass away? Try and see whether there were any beloved traditions, baby articles from her own childhood or stories that your SIL wants the children to experience, that she wants to pass along to her children as a way to honour the grandmother they'll know in spirit only.

[RubyOrganique]

Hi all,

As Mother's Day is approaching, I've been trying to come up with a charitable way to honor my mom. I started doing this last year when I was pregnant - I donated books on mothering, pregnancy and natural childbirth to the library in her hometown.

I found it an excellent way to connect with my mom. She's been gone for almost 25 years. This year, I'm thinking about donating to a birth center or a nonprofit that helps women during pregnancy and birth.

Does anyone else have a tradition they do around mother's day? For a long time, I acted as if the holiday didn't exist. Now, even though it's tough to watch other families taking their moms to brunch, being honored at church, etc. I embrace it as a special day to think about her.

[katmann]

Just found this thread.

My mom died at 61 in 2005. She had breast cancer that spread to her bones. She had had it for years and been in and out of treatment and remission. I was 16 when she was diagnosed and 25 when she died.

I just had my first baby in January. Throughout the whole pregnancy and since he's been born, it's been really hard not having her to talk to. I can't believe how many questions I have and how many things I didn't think to ask when she was alive. Was I born naturally? How long did she breastfeed me? Did she use cloth diapers? Also, she was a feminist writer and didn't tackle maternity care as one of her issues, but I would have love to discuss with her all the things I learned while deciding to have a homebirth. And above all else, she would be absolutely wild about my son. He would have been so loved and spoiled by her. It just sucks that he's missing out on this amazing person.

My husband was very close to her as well and I'm so happy that they got along as well as they did. This time of year she used to call us and say "You've got to come visit, the red bud's out," since that was one of her favorite trees. Now we live in the house where she used to live and we think of that as we drive around the area in April and May. It's a pleasant reminder of her. But if I think about her too much the sadness and the void is almost overwhelming. I'm comforted to know that other mamas are going through this and I hope to be able to read every post soon.

[mkarntz]

Hi everyone,

My mom commited suicide on October 10,2003...I was 38 weeks pg with my 2nd child. We were very close, she was very close with my son and it was really hard on me. Now my 2nd son has autism, and I wonder if its due to the stress of her death during my pregnancy. I miss my mom soooo much

[RubyOrganique]

Hi Katmann. You must have been blessed with a similar talent as your mom - your writing is eloquent.

I lost my mom when I was 10, so I didn't ask any of the things I'd like to know about. My dad is amazing at remembering obscure details from long ago, but it's just not the same. I interviewed him about Mom's pregnancy with me, not expecting him to remember much and was blown away at how moved I was with the information he gave me.

It is really challenging sometimes to be a motherless mother. I just had my first babe last summer and I was very concerned as to how my labor would go and how I would manage not having her there to usher me into motherhood. It felt like a right of passage had been denied me somehow. We birthed at home as well and I had a photo of her at the hospital when she gave birth to her first baby hanging on the wall where I could see it from my birth tub. Needless to say, I called upon her during labor.

I was surprised during pregnancy how strongly I felt her walking with me. Her anniversary happened about a month before my DD came and I was shocked at how it was probably the easiest anniversary for me. So while I get angry that she's not here to show me how to nurture and protect my baby, I know she's with me every moment and somehow I'm empowered by that.

My missing her lives much more at the surface than it used to. Maybe you're feeling that way to. I've lived without her for almost 25 years and it is a constantly changing experience. With each major milestone, I miss her in new ways and know her in new ways.

You're lucky that your spouse knew (and loved) your mother. I wish I had that. My husband is incredibly supportive of me, but he never knew her.

You said it - it just sucks. But know that you're among women who can relate. We can't know everything about each other's experience, but we certainly can relate.

If you haven't picked it up, you might take a read of Motherless Mothers. It helped me see some of the things I struggled with in a clearer way.

I hope you have a peaceful Mother's Day.

[katmann]

Originally Posted by RubyOrganique

Hi Katmann. You must have been blessed with a similar talent as your mom - your writing is eloquent.

*blush*

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out.

[Nourishing Bodies]

A community to call family

I'm so grateful I've found this thread and all of you. My mom died 9 years ago, just 5 days after the birth of my first son. It has been a crazy ride since then, but the first 5 years were certainly the hardest. I am finally at a place where I believe I can offer support and advice instead of always receiving it. How wonderful to be able to give back.

I am in the very early stages of writing an article for Mothering Mag. about my experience of giving birth at home and then, in the same week, supporting my mother as she died at home. The "labor" of both was uncannily similar. I would love to share my story with you and get all the feedback possible. It has been a goal of mine to write about this, and it hasn't been until fairly recently that it has proved to be therapeutic rather than difficult. My experience has shaped my spiritual beliefs and given me explanations of life and death that calm and comfort me. I'd love to be able to share that.:

[AuntG]

Hi mamas. Has anyone got any stories to share about what they did today, on Mother's Day? I added a short bit to my blog about my mom (in my sig).

I'd like to hear about how you all remembered your moms today.