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Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 12

post #221 of 298
I have never posted here before, so...
My mom committed suicide 6 years ago. I finally felt that the time was right to spread my mom's ashes so I went down to the pretty little river by our home on her birthday (the day after mothers day this year) and spread them. It is such a relief to not feel that I am keeping her spirit boxed up anymore. :
post #222 of 298
I've been a bit AWOL here. A sad welcome to all the new posters.
I haven't read up on all the stories, I will try to do that later.

ee_lime...very touching what a nice feeling to unbox, eh? My brother, her dp, myself, dh, and 1st child (who was 11 months old at the time) took my mom's ashes to the Red River Gorge to release them on Mother's Day just a month after her passing. It's a long and difficult trail to get to her, but worth the hike. It was one of her favorite places in the world. Last year I made the trek on Mother's Day to visit her on my 1st solo journey. Very healing.

Nourishing Bodies, I'd love to read that.

We did nothing special for Mother's Day this year. I do believe everyone finally got around to wishing me a good one at least. Normally I would garden in honor of my mother on Mother's Day, at the old house I had an entire garden devoted to the day and each year I would expand it and add new plants. After 11(?) years it was really flourishing and so sad to leave it behind. I should really think about doing that here because it brought me great joy.

I've been in a major funk lately. I hadn't even realized Mother's Day was so near. My mother has been gone now for 16 Mother's Days. So hard to believe. I decided it was finally time to get my mammogram. Results next week. I am not worried about them, it was more just the whole addressing the issue, seeing the other women there, knowing most of them had breast cancer, wondering about their stories, wondering if I'd be sitting in that waiting room for treatment one day as well.

Love and healing vibes to you all! : :
post #223 of 298
Howdy ladies...

I came into FYT to look for a Law Enforcement/Correction Officers tribe and instead I found you lovely ladies.

My mom past away this past January after a 2 year battle with cancer. I have my good days and my bad days. At first i thought I was doing fine, but then I started getting anger and bitter towards my kids and DH so I sought out a counselor which helped. Then I started having panic attacks at innocuous times (like while watching a movie or reading a book) so the counselor referred me to the my PCP who put me on Celexa and Xanax. The panic attacks have stopped now and I'm much happier and have even finally been able to get some grief out. Up until I got on the meds I hadn't even cried. Not at her funeral and not after.

I'm still processing everything and trying to keep my life going. My relationship with my dad is strained at best. I had issues with him before my mom died and now that she's no longer there to buffer them I tend to avoid him as often as possible.

I'll be back a little later on to read some more of your stories...
post #224 of 298
Hi, folks. Sadly, I now qualify for this tribe. My mom died 10 days ago. I posted a response in the Grief forum, but thought I'd come here as well. I'm having a bad day today. I just feel really alone, and I don't really care about anything. I'm angry with the kids, the house is falling apart, and well, I don't care. I know I'm depressed, and I'm only taking half my meds because whenever I think about venturing out to get the others, I get anxious. I'm just a mess right now.
post #225 of 298
I'm sorry about your mom, xenomama. Is there someone who can go with you to get your meds? Or is there a pharmacy near you that delivers? It would probably help you to be taking the full dose right now.
post #226 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by xenomama View Post
Hi, folks. Sadly, I now qualify for this tribe. My mom died 10 days ago. I posted a response in the Grief forum, but thought I'd come here as well. I'm having a bad day today. I just feel really alone, and I don't really care about anything. I'm angry with the kids, the house is falling apart, and well, I don't care. I know I'm depressed, and I'm only taking half my meds because whenever I think about venturing out to get the others, I get anxious. I'm just a mess right now.
WOW. I could have written your post just after my Mom passed. I'm so sorry your going through this. You have to get out there and get your meds, or ask somebody to pick them up. This will help you cope. I tried to adjust my meds after my Mom's passing, and I was just kicking myself for making my body cope with more, when I wasn't ready. Plus, no guilt okay. Screw the house, and anything that can wait. Just do what you can that makes you feel okay. Give yourself some time in bed, but then get out of bed and do something.

I'll be praying for you, vent here when ever need be.
post #227 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by xenomama View Post
Hi, folks. Sadly, I now qualify for this tribe. My mom died 10 days ago. I posted a response in the Grief forum, but thought I'd come here as well. I'm having a bad day today. I just feel really alone, and I don't really care about anything. I'm angry with the kids, the house is falling apart, and well, I don't care. I know I'm depressed, and I'm only taking half my meds because whenever I think about venturing out to get the others, I get anxious. I'm just a mess right now.
s:

I'm so sorry about your recently loss of your mom... those first days are surely the roughest ones to go through, when emotions are still so raw. Post about it as much as you need to - i think it does help to get it out and not bottle it up

I agree with the other poster in finding out if your pharmacy delivers (most stand alone ones do i've found), or if a friend/family member can pick up your medication for you.

Going to go find your post in G&L too... s:
post #228 of 298
I'm still feeling really off, not that that's surprising. I'm giving myself permission to leave my girls at the daycare this afternoon, and I'm going to go pick up my meds. Then I'm going to go to get my tires rotated and spend some time with a magazine. Even that seems exhausting, but I'm just going to have to suck it up.
post #229 of 298
Hi everyone. I have not posted here either. I am so sad for the loss of everyone's mother here, but - at least I know I am not going crazy with the way I feel. I lost both parents 3 years ago......and I do not feel any better mentally then the day that it happened. But, I put on a great front to all of my friends (I mean, lets face it - who wants to be around a miserable person or someone who always talks about the loss?? right???) but, secretly inside - I am so lonely I sometimes want to crawl away...secretly I am so jealous of my friends who get to talk about how their moms/dads love their kids, etc. Secretly I want to beat them up! LOL! But, mostly, I just feel bad for my kids. My husbands father also died young, so we are a small family unit. I feel bad that they don't have a grandparent who adores them like they deserve.

But, anyway, I know I still have alot to be thankful for, and I try to focus on that to get me thru the days! I big ol' hug to all the motherless moms. BTW - that is the name of a book I read recently "the motherless Mom" (or something like that)...thought it had alot of insight.

I am working on child no. 4. But, I am awaiting an operation so I can conceive again! Wish me luck!!
post #230 of 298
Good evening, ladies. We interred my mom's cremains today. Rather than purchasing an urn, I created wrapping paper from my daughters' drawings and wrapped the box in that.

I performed the graveside service, my dad placed her cremains in the ground, and my daughters helped "decorate" by putting in potpurri, drawings, and tissue paper.

All in all, it was a peaceful time, and I think I really got some closure from it.
post #231 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by xenomama View Post
Good evening, ladies. We interred my mom's cremains today. Rather than purchasing an urn, I created wrapping paper from my daughters' drawings and wrapped the box in that.

I performed the graveside service, my dad placed her cremains in the ground, and my daughters helped "decorate" by putting in potpurri, drawings, and tissue paper.

All in all, it was a peaceful time, and I think I really got some closure from it.
I'm glad you felt some closure.
post #232 of 298
I found out I'm pregnant again and due within days of the 1-year anniversary of my Mom's passing. Very bittersweet, but I'm trying to keep my head up and look on the bright side of things. I just keep picturing her and God up there plotting twins on me
post #233 of 298
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I imagine anniversaries will always be tough, but you seem to have a good attitude about it.
post #234 of 298
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am pregnant as well, and am finding that my pregnancy is bringing up a lot around my mom's death. I miss her and wish I could ask her things like "what was your pregnancy with me like?" and "how long did you breast feed me?" and "what was my birth like?" but she is gone and I don't know anyone who knew her then (and anyway, I don't think she talked to many people about it).
post #235 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by xenomama View Post
Good evening, ladies. We interred my mom's cremains today. Rather than purchasing an urn, I created wrapping paper from my daughters' drawings and wrapped the box in that.

I performed the graveside service, my dad placed her cremains in the ground, and my daughters helped "decorate" by putting in potpurri, drawings, and tissue paper.

All in all, it was a peaceful time, and I think I really got some closure from it.
Very sweet. What a nice way to have your own ceremony and make it yours.
post #236 of 298
Mom2Austin: congratulations on your pregnancy. I, too had a lot of things come up during my pregnancy. It will be 25 years next week for me, and I've learned over time that feelings pop up unexpectedly. But they are almost always associated with big life changes.

I was concerned that my pregnancy and birth would be really difficult given the circumstances. And I discussed it with both my doula and midwife as they would be involved should it play into my birthing time. But I found it to be an amazing experience. I felt like she walked with me every step of the way. I really felt closer to her than I ever have since she passed.

I had a home birth and hung some pictures of her (one of when she was in the hospital having her first baby) in the room where I spent most of my birthing time. Even at the most challenging moments, I could see her, smiling. And I would think to myself, "she did this 4 times. She's with me. I can do this too." Another motherless mother friend of mine gave me the idea of having a photo of her with me during delivery. At first I thought that might make it harder, but it really brought her into focus for me and gave me strength.

Your pregnancy is going to be calm and beautiful, as will your birth. I wish you peace during this special time.
post #237 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyOrganique View Post
Mom2Austin: congratulations on your pregnancy. I, too had a lot of things come up during my pregnancy. It will be 25 years next week for me, and I've learned over time that feelings pop up unexpectedly. But they are almost always associated with big life changes.

I was concerned that my pregnancy and birth would be really difficult given the circumstances. And I discussed it with both my doula and midwife as they would be involved should it play into my birthing time. But I found it to be an amazing experience. I felt like she walked with me every step of the way. I really felt closer to her than I ever have since she passed.

I had a home birth and hung some pictures of her (one of when she was in the hospital having her first baby) in the room where I spent most of my birthing time. Even at the most challenging moments, I could see her, smiling. And I would think to myself, "she did this 4 times. She's with me. I can do this too." Another motherless mother friend of mine gave me the idea of having a photo of her with me during delivery. At first I thought that might make it harder, but it really brought her into focus for me and gave me strength.

Your pregnancy is going to be calm and beautiful, as will your birth. I wish you peace during this special time.
Thank you for that I do hope that I'll be able to focus on her in a happy way. I'm planning on bringing this up in my counseling session tomorrow because I feel like it could come up in a negative way during labor and I need to work through my feelings to make sure it doesn't happen.
post #238 of 298

What a thread!

I'm so glad I found this!

This is my first pregnancy and I'm having a really tough time missing my 'mommy'. I knew that being pregnant without her would be hard, but somedays I still feel blindsided with everything that I feel without her. It's nice to think that I'm not the only one!

My background:
My father was/is a violent alcoholic and my mother pretty much checked out. I was an accidental child, and I walked in on a phone conversation once and overheard my father complaining about how upset they were that they had to stop smoking pot and doing drugs when they found out my mother was pregnant with me. These people should probably never have been parents. My mother is still alive, but she currently refuses to speak to me, and when I've been able to get her to speak she's pretty mean. My personal theory is that she's upset I no longer have to deal with my dad they way she does every day. She spent most of my childhood trying to ignore her home life so I and my little brother were raised by our Godmother, Mimi.

Mimi was wonderful. She is exactly the mother that everyone wishes they had, and she is exactly the mother I hope I can be. She was our source of love and support from the day we met her to the day she died. She was my babysitter, my Godmother, and my absolute best friend. I continued to hang out at her daycare through my first 2 years of college. She died shortly after I left home for AmeriCorps of a crazy staph infection. She was fine on Wednesday, I talked to her and told her I was coming home that weekend, Thursday she thought she was having a bad reaction to a spider bite (she was allergic), she started slurring her words and appearing REALLY ill on Friday so her (adult) children took her to the hospital, she died Saturday. I considered her my 'mommy' (and called her that) from a very early age, and feel as orphaned and lonely as I can imagine without her.

I suppose this may not really be the group for me, because my mother is actually alive, but I hope no one minds if I join anyway.
post #239 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by dislocator3972 View Post
I'm so glad I found this!

This is my first pregnancy and I'm having a really tough time missing my 'mommy'. I knew that being pregnant without her would be hard, but somedays I still feel blindsided with everything that I feel without her. It's nice to think that I'm not the only one!

My background:
My father was/is a violent alcoholic and my mother pretty much checked out. I was an accidental child, and I walked in on a phone conversation once and overheard my father complaining about how upset they were that they had to stop smoking pot and doing drugs when they found out my mother was pregnant with me. These people should probably never have been parents. My mother is still alive, but she currently refuses to speak to me, and when I've been able to get her to speak she's pretty mean. My personal theory is that she's upset I no longer have to deal with my dad they way she does every day. She spent most of my childhood trying to ignore her home life so I and my little brother were raised by our Godmother, Mimi.

Mimi was wonderful. She is exactly the mother that everyone wishes they had, and she is exactly the mother I hope I can be. She was our source of love and support from the day we met her to the day she died. She was my babysitter, my Godmother, and my absolute best friend. I continued to hang out at her daycare through my first 2 years of college. She died shortly after I left home for AmeriCorps of a crazy staph infection. She was fine on Wednesday, I talked to her and told her I was coming home that weekend, Thursday she thought she was having a bad reaction to a spider bite (she was allergic), she started slurring her words and appearing REALLY ill on Friday so her (adult) children took her to the hospital, she died Saturday. I considered her my 'mommy' (and called her that) from a very early age, and feel as orphaned and lonely as I can imagine without her.

I suppose this may not really be the group for me, because my mother is actually alive, but I hope no one minds if I join anyway.
Mom's come in many forms. They aren't just the people who birth us I say welcome to you
post #240 of 298
Sarah, you are very welcome here. Like Sarah Lynne said, moms come in many forms. I am so sorry for your loss. Your Godmother sounds like she was a wonderful woman with a huge heart. Staph is nasty -- my mom died from it too, although she was already quite ill at the time. She never really had a chance once the staph took hold.
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