or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Welcome to Mothering! › Connect With Other Moms › Mom's without Mom's part 5
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 15

post #281 of 298

reliving replaying *death details*

Sad to be joining this tribe. I apologize in advance for the length. I wont be insulted if you dont read it all ;-)
I didnt know when I started writing this how badly I needed to write it.

Mom was my very best friend. We finished each others sentances, laughed at the same things, have the same voice.. She is the only person I've ever know who honestly knew how to love unconditionally. She was wise, gentle, silly, playful, beautiful, skilled at every homemaking skill imaginable, selfless and always saw in me what I couldnt. She was everything I want to be.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer just as complications in my pregnancy started.
We sat together at the high risk pregnancy wing,staring at the u/s, showing us the girl we both had been waiting for for years.
We cried together when they told me to abort, cried again when they told us she'd be born deformed, and at the labor and delivery room we held hands as I birthed the little girl the drs said wouldnt, couldnt breathe. We sat and waited for silence..
We rejoiced and praised in my girl shocking the medical community, laid together in my bed and marveled over her.

Chemo began and the spiral downwards was excruciating.

She'd sit at my table and cry. She was too weak to dance with my daughter, too weak to hug the boys or play and be silly.
My heart ached to hug her hard, squeeze her to me, feel her heart against mine. And couldnt. She hurt. All over, all the time.

When the phone rang, I considered not answering. That feeling in the pit of my stomach.. "you'd better get here. Moms got pnuemonia"

Hubby hadnt gotten the car stopped when I jumped out in the hospital parking lot.
Distant images of family members grabbing me, crying against me, Aunt telling me my dad had a shrink nearby for me just in case..
Just in case? In case I snapped, right? I know what they've been saying.
Mom and my relationships never been natural. Too close, too intimate, they said.
"They shouldve been able to cut those apron strings long before now."
I knew what they thought and said. I knew they didnt understand.
Nothing ever even the slightest bit improper about mom and I..we just felt like each others half, like our souls were linked.

I marched in, head high but blinded by tears and speechless from this ball of pain in my throat.
Moms 7 siblings, various nieces and nephews, cousins lined the corridor, my grammie at the end, near moms door. Her grief is palatable and she cups my face. "favorite child of my favorite child," and she encloses me in her softness.
My body is convulsing, an unfathomable ache rocking me.
The corridor is longer than it really is..its like the green mile.

Im at the doorway and look in. She got so small. This woman who spanked my butt all the way up the stairs when I said a swear, who'd put her hands on her hips and asked just what I thought I was doing..
It felt just like a scene from a movie. Her lungs were full so her breaths were shallow and gaspy. The oxygen mask kept creeping up her face.

I was so strong and brave. I told her it was ok, to just relax and let go. Heaven had a place prepared just for her.
And then I wasnt. It was like flicking a switch inside me and I was 5 yrs old begging her not to leave me. Im half draped over her, stroking my face with her hand. Dont go mom.please. oh God please I'll die if youleave me. you said you'd fight this and win. you said you would never leave me. Dont you want to dance with Bitsy? (dd nickname)
and then again back to telling her to go.

She was exhausted. Opening her eyes for a second meant she had to sleep for a few minutes.
The nurse comes and is looking at something attached to the bed.
Im cool and detached and the information junky Im known to be.
Its urine, she says. When the output goes down, we know its almost time.
I stare at her and I know. Next to nothing in that bag. I cover it with the blanket b/c mom would be mortified having people see her pee..

I lay across her again and grab her hand. Stroking my face I start singing our songs. The songs she sang to me as a baby, the ones we sang when we did dishes, or went shopping or just needed a break and we'd sit in the car and sing our hearts out.
My brother touches me and it feels like Im waking up. He's so scared and Im so selfish. I hug him and cry and all his says is, "Angel, thats our mom. thats mom. Thats mom"
We're all quiet again. My crying is silent. My shoulders shake and Im so tired.
I hyperventilate, matching my breathing to hers and I realize, less than 1 yr ago her and I were at the hospital, waiting for silence. Waiting for no breathing.
Awaiting death.

She is looking at me and I just know. She's hurting for me, for us, so badly.
She knows and cant do a thing. Her mama heart is breaking for ours breaking.
She closes her eyes and says very simply, "Im sorry."
My dad babbles on, he feels so helpless, no idea what to say to make her not feel bad.
But I know. I place her hand on my check, my head on her belly and start telling her everything good I can remember. All the indoor picnics and tea parties, baking and camping, the late nights we spent walking. remember whens..
I got this feeling..I dont know what it was or even how it felt now but I grabbed my baby brothers hand and brought him into the corridor.
When I looked in the room, mydad was sitting on one side of her and my grammie on the other, kissing her face, rubbing her head and then it was silent.

I ran outside and just screamed and screamed and screamed. I laid on the sidewalk and let my hubby gather me up into his arms and rock me.
Im going to go crazy. I cant live thru this much hurt. I cant feel all this and stay inside me. I want to run and I struggle, hubby holds me firm and cries with me.

Im calm and rather detached. I accept hugs from the family, politely say thank you for the "if you need anything at all.." and walk stiffly back to her.

I decided Id kiss her goodbye and then leave. hubby said he'd make sure I did.
I kissed her and went to put her hand on me one more time and she was cold.
Suddenly I understood the true meaning of temporary insanity.
I went banshee. I screamed at the nurses, called them horrible names, accusing them of negligence and neglect. Moms in the hospital and you cant even make sure she's warm?! How the hell can you do this job and be so careless and incompetant?!
Oh..it wasnt pretty. Hubby dragged me away and finally got me to look in his eyes and it was over.
Gwendolyn Mae williams 3/14/55-9/2/08

The first few months I leaked tears nonstop. I heard her voice everywhere. (my good God Angel! dont you ever dust? lookit those cobwebs!) and saw her in my house, sitting at the kitchen table waiting to play yatzee. I called her by accident/out of habit twice. I bought her a christmas present w/out even thinking.
By 6 months I still couldnt say her name without crying, had short term memory issues and woke up thinking of her.
Just went by her 2nd yr of being gone. I sing her songs, use her cookbooks and tell the kids her stories and about her.
I still ache as if something inside me was literally cut away. Theres an empty place inside that gnaws.
If I let myself think about it enough I get ragefull.
I talk to her as Im going to sleep, telling her what new thing each child has done.
From the day I got home from the hospital, I held my daughter tight to me and danced with her, sending as much of my mom to my babygirl as I could.

Im mad. mad that the older kids miss her and think of all the plans she had with them. mad that the little ones wont remember her. Mad that Bitsy is missing out on a woman who waited 13yrs for her to be born.
Mad that I didnt soak up all the knowledge mom had. Mad that I cant call her and cry to her About missing her. Mad that her shirts lost her smell and her perfume doesnt smell in the bottle like they did on her.
Mad that she left me and I'll go the rest of my life missing her.

*big deep breath*
Thank you all the opportunity and place for me to let go of some of it.
post #282 of 298
I just read the last post by Just_Angel, and many of the previous posts and my heart goes out to all of you. I have never seen this thread on here. My mother died when I was 15 and while I felt like the wound was healed when I had my first daughter 5 years ago, this time after birthing my second daughter I felt the wound ripped open again. You never get over losing your mom, just more used to it I guess. So that is what I have been dealing with for the past 3 months since my daughter's birth.
I wanted to recommend a book to everyone by Hope Edelman called "Motherless Daughters." It has a great section about becoming a mother yourself in there.
Live well and love well
post #283 of 298
just_angel, I just read your post and teared up. So much of what you wrote resonated deeply with me. I've shared my story on here somewhere before, but I'm sure it's buried. Anyway, I was raised by my mom after my parents divorced. My dad had major substance abuse problems so he has not really ever been a part of my life. My mom and I were very close and often people would comment on how special our relationship seemed to be. When I was 21 (she was 44), she got diagnosed with brain and lung cancer. After being diagnosed, she lived for exactly 65 days. It was such a rapid progression. Like you, I did not think I could live through the hurt. And I wish I could say that it does not still hurt, but of course it does. It has been almost 15 years and there are still days where I just get kind of shocked that she's gone. And I still sometimes struggle with the anger and the unfairness of it all. I just constantly miss her, but for the most part I have moved into a place of acceptance, hard as that is at times.

I know you are not necessarily seeking advice, but I want to tell you that however you're feeling at any given moment is OK. Maybe that's obvious to you, but I remember in those first few years thinking that I should be feeling a certain way based on how much time had passed. I know now that these feelings are completely cyclical and I will almost always be faced with the emotions her loss brings about it me. It's not always unpleasant, either. Sometimes I am overjoyed by the things I learned from my mother and the dynamic person she was in this world. I am often able to feel really grateful for what we shared. That's bittersweet, of course, but it's nice to be able to sometimes reflect upon those things that I don't know if I would think about were she still here.

Please be gentle and kind with yourself. And please don't be afraid to seek out help wherever you can find it. Being motherless is a whole different kind of loneliness so don't hesitate to reach out to any of us.
post #284 of 298
Thanks for those kind words Earthgirl. <3
post #285 of 298
Hello, Have not read through the thread, just came across the title. My mother passed away of alcoholism when I was 17yo. I did not grow up with her (divorce). I do wonder at times what it would have been like to have her in my life as I became a parent. She herself was an awful parent, hence father getting full custody and move to next state over. I do still wonder....
post #286 of 298

Hi All,

 I'm sad to be joining, but Ive known for years that I would be here eventually.  My mom passed away on November 20th. She had some unknown illness that attacked  her cerebellum. She moved in with her mother in 2003, and by 2005 it was never really the same with her. A part of me has been grieving her ever since. She had been completely immobile and living in a nursing home for over a year. We lived 4 hours apart, so I only got to visit her a few times a year. Phone conversations were difficult because her speech was so garbled.  Then she got an UTI, C-Diss, and finally pneumonia, all within a week of each other. Her muscles were so constricted as well.  I made it down to be with her for the last hour of her life. I held her hand. Stroked her hair. Told her I loved her and thanked her for being the most amazing mother. I held her hand as she went to be with the Lord. She was only 80lbs by that time, and it didn't even look like her. She couldn't talk, but I know she was telling me she loved me, too.

 

  I've always felt robbed of being a mother with a mother. My older sister got many years as a mother when our mom was relatively healthy and still herself. Her 3 older kids actually got to know my mom, eat her "poop cookies" (chocolate no-bakes that are purposely not cooked long enough to harden, so you have to eat them in a bowl with a spoon.) got to get Christmas presents from her, birthday cards from her, hugs and kisses from her. My daughter is 4.5 and never got to experience any of that. My mom did hold her and hug and kiss her as a baby, but she won't have any memories of that. All she will remember, if anything, is my mom in a nursing home. Her being sick. I grieve that a lot.

 

  Doing the dishes is a huge trigger for me. That's probably my most vivid memory of her.. standing in the kitchen doing dishes.  That and Karen Carpenter Christmas songs.

post #287 of 298

Smalls,

 

So sorry for your loss.

 

This seems to be the season for me to lose it. I had lunch with a friend whose mom died 10 years ago, and we both fought back tears in the restaurant. We had never really talked about our moms before. The next day, I went to lunch with another friend whose mom died earlier in the month. I was trying to be supportive and helpful, and of course as soon as she started talking about her mom, I broke down. Some helpful friend I am, huh, basically crying like a baby over five years after mom is gone. I guess the message to her is it is always there, the loss, whether your 20 or 50, whether it's been a month or 10 years. Or maybe it's just sleep-deprived me ...

 

But definitely gearing up for the crying season at our house. DH lost his father in February, so this is the first Christmas without his (token) presence. I just realized some Christmas decorations of my mom's, that I thought I'd find at some point, are gone for good and even thought I made a conscious decision NOT to want any more of her stuff, I desperately want them now!

 

Ugh. Not a good week.

post #288 of 298

((hugs))) Beth. Wow, Christmas decorations. I wonder whatever happened to my mom's? My brother got rid of most of her stuff by throwing it out, and although she was a bit of a hoarder, it would have been nice to have been asked. Anyway, it's totally understandable to cry even years later. Don't feel too bad.

post #289 of 298

Quote:

Originally Posted by just__angel View Post

Mom was my very best friend. We finished each others sentances, laughed at the same things, have the same voice.. She is the only person I've ever know who honestly knew how to love unconditionally. She was wise, gentle, silly, playful, beautiful, skilled at every homemaking skill imaginable, selfless and always saw in me what I couldnt. She was everything I want to be.
She was diagnosed with cancer.

My heart ached to hug her hard, squeeze her to me, feel her heart against mine. And couldnt. She hurt. All over, all the time.

mom and I..we just felt like each others half, like our souls were linked.

It felt just like a scene from a movie. Her lungs were full so her breaths were shallow and gaspy. 

I was so strong and brave. I told her it was ok

She is looking at me and I just know. She's hurting for me, for us, so badly.
She knows and cant do a thing. Her mama heart is breaking for ours breaking.

Im going to go crazy. I cant live thru this much hurt. 

I accept hugs from the family, politely say thank you for the "if you need anything at all.." 

I understood the true meaning of temporary insanity.


I'll go the rest of my life missing her.
 


I am so so sorry.  This is me too, it is shocking to read how closely our experiences are, we were so blessed to have such deep love and someone on our side with unconditional and unfailing love yet so cursed to have our favorite woman in the whole world taken from us way too young.  


Edited by Sol_y_Paz - 10/12/11 at 12:39am
post #290 of 298

Hows your week been Ladies?

Im 30 weeks pregant and in full hormonal glory ;-)

 Was miserable last night. Sat at my brand-spankin new sewing machine wishing mom could show me how to use it.  Decided it was a good night to loosen that cap and let some of the shaken-bottle-of-soda feeling to escape so..I put on the "MOM CD."  lol. The kids know this cd well enough to know that if its playing to just give me til its over.

 Do you have a mom cd? Or just certain songs that engulf you in memories? 

post #291 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by just__angel View Post

Hows your week been Ladies?

Im 30 weeks pregant and in full hormonal glory ;-)

 Was miserable last night. Sat at my brand-spankin new sewing machine wishing mom could show me how to use it.  Decided it was a good night to loosen that cap and let some of the shaken-bottle-of-soda feeling to escape so..I put on the "MOM CD."  lol. The kids know this cd well enough to know that if its playing to just give me til its over.

 Do you have a mom cd? Or just certain songs that engulf you in memories? 



I have certain songs that can set me off. I try to avoid them. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant :) Gotta love the hormones.

post #292 of 298

I am so joining this!  My mom died in June of 2010, but she completely cut me out of her life when I was about 20.  I don't have time to write more or read everyone's posts right now, but I feel relieved to be a part of this.  I feel the same as a PP in that my relationship with my MIL is not great and pretty annoying...and sad because I wish our DS had a grandma that I truly loved.  I do get really jealous of other women who have wonderful relationships with their MILs or moms.  I have found my sadness about this (and my lack of a relationship with my mom when she was alive) to have really increased since I had my second child and hit 40.  Will look forward to being around this tribe.  My dad and younger brother are both dead, too, so I have a lot of feelings of emptiness and the like.  Thanks to whoever started it and to all who are participating and sharing their stories. 

post #293 of 298

I'm glad to have found this thread on here. I lost my mom when I was 7. It was really sudden, so I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. We went to bed one night, and when I woke up the next morning, I went into her bedroom to wake her up, and I couldn't. I kept shaking her and calling her, and I was confused as to why she wasn't waking up, but I just FELT that something wasn't right. I went to my grandmother's room and told her I couldn't wake up my mom. After waking up my grandpa, older brother, and twin sister, my grandma tells us that she was "gone to a better place." I don't remember much of the next few weeks, or even the next few years. i know they were tough for me, and I've repressed most of those years until my grandma passed away when I was 11. That opened up the wound from my mom's passing again, and I was inconsolable. Again, I've repressed most of the next few years, up until the time I turned 17 or so. My dad was never really a part of my life. And I didn't meet him for the first time until right before I turned 18. Of course THAT in and of itself brought forth so many questions that I wished my mom was there to answer. I'm 19 now, and there are memories and feelings rushing back to me, sometimes so painful that they leave me curled in a ball gasping for breath. Knowing that I'm going to be a mom myself soon, I want more than anything to have my mom here to talk to. I want to ask her how she felt when she was pregnant with my siblings and me. My mom was my best friend when I was little. I was her shadow. Wherever she went, you could be sure that I was right there beside her. Growing up has been so hard without her, and I wish more than anything that she were here to witness this wonderful experience with me and to hold her grandbaby and spoil it rotten like I know she would. My heart aches because I know that my children will never know their maternal grandmother and will never get to experience firsthand how much of a wonderful person that she was. I can only hope that I am able to tell them everything I can about her and have them know that she would have loved them very much.

post #294 of 298
Is there a more recent thread for us without mamas?
post #295 of 298

Start one!
 

post #296 of 298

Has a new thread been started on this topic?  I haven't been on Mothering for some time now, but I got an alert that this thread was commented on in my email.  If a new one was started let me know.  If nobody starts one, I guess I will.  :)  I used to start them every other month so they didn't get too long. 

post #297 of 298
I started one I thought but cant find the tread on my iPod which is being glitchy tonight. I probably should have come back and linked to redirect. Sorry.
post #298 of 298
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Connect With Other Moms
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Welcome to Mothering! › Connect With Other Moms › Mom's without Mom's part 5